31 weeks 3 days

So it's been a bit longer than I planned, but I finally have the time to update :)

This week has been interesting so far, bub dropped yesterday causing me a bit of discomfort, especially in my back. It was a rather stressful day and we did a bit of walking so when I started to feel achy I decided to check my cervix to make sure nothing was changing. I preferred to make sure things myself before heading to the hospital because I know they would have done exactly the same thing besides they would have checked for contractions which I am certain I was not having (no tightness at any stage and no pain, I was just a bit achy). I had my partner double check as he's just as aware of what happens to my body during pregnancy and just prior to birth. My cervix was high, posterior soft but not thinning and it was maybe 1cm dilated - which I know to be normal, more for mothers who have had more than one baby. I lose bits of my mucous plug over the last few months of my pregnancies, starting earlier each time but it regenerates so I'm not bothered by it, besides feeling a bit yuck ;) What surprised me was that I could feel bub's head in front of my cervix, which explained the aching ligaments and heavy feeling. I looked at my belly and then compared it to a photo taken the previous week and the change was obvious. I'm glad because I can take deeper breaths than I have been able to but I'm not sure how long it (easier breathing) will last, DS1 was 3/5ths engaged at 36 weeks then bobbed back up and down until the morning I gave birth at 39 weeks. At the moment I have no concerns about premature labour but am keeping an eye on things a bit more than I was, only because it's my reponsibility to be aware and get help if things change.

My fundus is measuring 31 weeks even with bub's head low, he's going through his growth spurt I'm sure. There's been a lot of growth around, at 28+5 my belly was 102cm around, now it's 106cm, at 26+6 it was 101cm.

Here's a pic taken 30+4:

 and yesterday:

At the moment he's clearly posterior, I can easily feel his legs at the front and little hands like to scrape at my pubic bone and hips. Sometimes he moves and I'll get a foot sticking out near my navel, it's so weird because I have never had a bub in a posterior position this late in pregnancy before, I always wanted to experience a leg coming out the front... now I have. I'm quite sure the position of the placenta is the reason he's chilling out where he is and not LOA like my other 2, that and there's plenty of room and no tight muscles so he's floating around doing whatever.

I've started having dreams of his birth, mostly strange ones. Some nightmares because I'm treated badly, there's a huge amount of people watching and trying to intervene when it's dangerous to do so, not because of the birth itself. The moment I meet my baby boy is always joyful, and he's always the chubbiest baby I've ever seen! I can't wait to see if my baby the chubby baby in my dreams and not just a figment of my imagination.

I'm still breastfeeding, I'm certain DS will not wean willingly before bub is born so I'm getting myself used to the idea of tandem. It doesn't bother me anymore, before it just filled me with worry... would DS even let his brother nurse, will he fight or will it be a bonding thing for them....

Only time will tell..

Well that's it for the time being. I'll do my absolute best not to leave it so long between updates, in 8 weeks or so I'll have a birth story to share! I'm so excited :D

Peace, Love & Light xo

29 weeks 1 day

So here I am, in my 30th week of pregnancy. I could have anywhere from 8 weeks left if bub comes as early as his big sister but I hope he stays put closer to 40 weeks.

I'm getting on and off nervous about pushing out a baby again. I don't know if he'll be in a good postition yet as it feels like he's posterior a lot of the time right now. I almost permanently have a leg across my belly just above my belly button which stretches up into my ribs, and I can feel a heck of a lot of movement at my left hip, I can't palpate his back so it's either under the placenta or he's back to back with me, he moves a lot so it is very likely to be any at any given time. I've had feet or hands poking out and it is actually really uncomfortable! I never experienced this with either of my previous pregnancies. I do know the reason why, I have spent a fair bit of time reclining with a toddler (19 months now) nursing he just moves out the way of DS1.

I am getting no hip pain at all, just a bit of crunching as I walk but no pain. Very different to my last pregnancy where I was in constant pain from 25 weeks.

I get a lot of ligament pain now though, baby is sitting low probably due to the fact that this is my 3rd pregnancy and I've had no longer than 15 months between them, it is bothersome at the moment because we are in between gas bottles for the hot water so no warm baths for me.

I have started knitting a blanket for bub, I hope I get it finished within the next few weeks, even though we're quite busy and I don't get much time to sit and knit. We're in the process of organising a move. Our lease ends late Jan so we have to break lease or we'll be moving when I could go into labour at any time. Not safe in my opinion, I need somewhere I feel 100% comfortable and settled. It does bother me a lot, I moved when I was 36 weeks with DS1 and that was too much, I have birth at 39 weeks to the day so I had 3 weeks to unpack and get settled. I only barely did feel settled.

I've decided to book into the hospital and just go in within 24 hours after the birth so they can get all the paperwork for me and do the PKU heel prick, I decided it's not worth the stress doing it on my own just in case I do it wrong (the government website is just not clear enough for me to be 100% on what actually needs to be done, some parts say the birth has to be notified within 2 working days then another section says it has to be registered within 60 days, no telling the actual difference between notification and registration sometimes it is written as though they are the same thing) that and the PKU is something I will not decline, I know that it is nothing more than a heel prick that can tell us a lot. I will not be getting admitted, there's nothing that will make me stay in that hospital if the birth and postpartum are the same as my previous births - complication free.

My belly is growing fast now, in one week my bump filled out so that side on my belly looks a little square... just like DS1's pregnancy. My fundus was measuring at 30cm at 28+5 and my belly measures 102cm around (started off 93 cm, I've grown 9cm!). My blood pressure has stayed well within my normal, last check was 100/60. I'm feeling better now, less tired and practically no nausea :) I haven't been sick in about a week (but literally, as I wrote this a wave of nausea took over and I ended up sick...great fun..).

I've started reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, I am in love with this book! Half the time I find myself daydreaming and reminiscing about my births while I read the birth stories that have similarities or something that is mentioned makes me wish I knew before now. I am desperate to get my hands on Spiritual Midwifery now, it's the next thing on my list to get.

Not much else has been going on really. I'm under a bit of stress but the pregnancy is going great. I'm hoping life settles down a bit more over the next few weeks..

Until next time
Peace Love & Light xo

25 weeks 3 days

I am feeling very pregnant now, my fundus is clearly above my navel and when I sit my belly looks like a basket ball stuffed under my shirt. It's quite cute. I love having a round belly, it's the only time in my life I feel completely at ease with my body, and can see beauty. I normally don't, I'm not the kind of person who looks in the mirror and is satisfied with what I see.

I can feel my baby roll and kick, now I can feel movement everywhere. Most of the kicks are low or to my side, occasionally at the very top. Most of the movement tells me DS2 is hanging out transverse, but it is still quite difficult to feel him. My partner tells me it's the placenta getting in the way at the moment, because he can't feel defined shapes and DS2 likes to wriggle around a lot. It's seriously never ending! My partner and I were feeling him kick this week and DD comes up and wanted to have a feel. Her face lit up like it was the best thing in the world, since then she's been telling everyone 'There's a baby in there and the baby's kicking!!'

I bought my BP cuff and stethoscope, I am impressed by the quality for a cheap ebay purchase. The steth is better than the one I had when I was studying nursing and that one wasn't cheap. Mine was attacked by mould because the box was damaged in the move, so I'm pretty happy I have a better replacement. I checked my BP and as I thought, my BP is low normal but totally normal for me, it was at 110/60.

I measured my belly this week, fundus is 24.5cm, and my waist is now 101.5cm or 39.5 inches around. at 22 weeks it was 98cm so I've grown a bit. My poor belly button is stretched so bad it stings an itches often, especially when I've been sitting a while. It's kind of popped out, but I don't think there's much more there to stick out, it's nearly completely flat ;)  I've got stretch marks popping up too, but my old ones remain silver unlike my last pregnancy they all went red again but DS was MUCH bigger than DD, by the time I hit 35 weeks with him I was bigger than I was the day I gave birth to DD. I don't mind, my stretch marks aren't ugly, instead they are a mark of what I have done and it's something I am proud of. They're my mama stripes, and I earned them.

My hip has stopped giving me grief at the moment, I get back aches and such still but I can walk with only a little waddle and haven't had a sciatica flare up. It's getting really uncomfortable to sleep though, everything is beginning to hurt. Co-sleeping isn't working anymore, if DS is near he will nurse what feels like ALLLLL night... I was running on just a few hours sleep for 2 days, it was getting to me. I started to feel very depressed, and cried a lot those few days, my partner is working a lot at the moment so I was beginning to get desperate for a nap or just 5 minutes to myself. I'm a bit short tempered too, I admit I'm not the perfect mum, I do yell but I always apologise to the kids. I feel pretty guilty taking out my own frustrations on them, it's not their fault. I sat on the floor while my kids watched a Peppa Pig dvd and just cried after I said sorry. I do remember I get emotional at this stage in my pregnancies, fortunately I know it won't last.

DS is beginning to wean, I can see the end, sort of. He nursed once yesterday (not including when he woke for a nurse in the night) and it was at night to go to sleep for the first time that night. He woke just before we were about to head to bed and he made no effort to nurse when I cuddled him. I did out of habit offer it but he was too sleepy, good thing too, I need to get out of the habit of offering all the time.. so much for don't offer don't refuse, I really did try but if he's grizzy the boob will sort him out, so I just do it. I felt odd not nursing that day until that night, so much of my last 18 months have involved a heck of a lot of breastfeeding. I am not sure what he's doing with his latch though, it looked and felt wrong at one point (and some other times recently) where he seems to be chewing rather than nursing. I shouldn't get upset if he's losing the desire to properly nurse because I WANT him to wean on his own, preferably soon. However, I am feeling overwhelmed with so many changes all of a sudden, deep down I wonder if I will ever be 100% ready, I don't miss nursing my DD but I sure wasn't ready for her to wean when she did either so I know eventually I'll get over it. I am gratetful I have had the chance to give my babies breastmilk into their second year, and grateful for the bond it created.

I bought a new bra because my old nursing bras have deteriorated to the point of no longer holding up the girls. So, I checked out K-mart and found THE most comfortable nursing bra I have ever, ever, ever worn. It's seamless and feels like a sports bra, no hooks at the back but it has the clips :) The padding is fantastic too, gives me some shape back unlike any past nursing bra so no more feeling like my boobs are sitting on my belly, they are on my chest again ;) I'm not the smallest when it comes to my bra size, I've been a 10E for as long as I've been breastfeeding so it's expensive and difficult to find a nursing bra. The K-mart one came with 2, for only $20, can't be disappointed in that! Normally I have no choice but to pay $50 upwards for just the one. I'm practically living in it because it's that comfy ;) So, if you are interested, look out for the K-mart brand seamless maternity bra that looks like a sports bra :)
Before I go, I want to say that my heart goes out to all those affected by hurricane Sandy. I hope everyone stays safe. And if you celebrate halloween, have fun!

Peace, Love & Light xo

23 weeks 5 days pregnancy update

I'm 23 weeks and 5 days.

I'm thinking a lot more about the birth. My fiance and I have been discussing it a lot the last 2 days. We're starting to get things organised, I've started researching different herbals to use for the postpartum period and we're about to start buying some things we think we may need - when I revise my list.
Mostly I'm interested in something to ease the afterpains. The afterpains I had with my DS were surprisingly strong. I had none following my first so to have really painful ones second time has me a little nervous about what's in store for after #3. I'm very interested in one suggestion from a doula and mama to 5, magnesium phosphate homeopathic remedy. So I'll be adding that to my list of things to get.

Today and yesterday we have been talking about DS's birth from my his point of view. I love to talk about my births, I also love hearing it from different points of view. It's incredible the things you don't notice! My fiance was telling me how he watched DS's head crown and start to come out as I pushed on my hands and knees and then how DS stopped, turned slightly and as I stood his head came out the rest of the way. He said we waited for about 30 seconds supporting DS's head as his shoulders slowly turned and for the final contraction to come, he said it was very slow to watch, yet for me it felt like it happened so fast.

Bubba seems to have had a growth spurt, I feel like I'm suddenly huge. I have some more stretch marks starting but I don't mind. They fade to silver pretty fast, and they're my mama stripes, I earned them so I'm actually a bit proud of them :) He's kicking a lot more now, I feel him mostly quite low just above my pubic bone and under my belly button and to my sides, not very often right out the front though unless it's a really strong kick. I'm a bit disappointed I won't feel the movements at the front like I do at the sides, so I'll feel bubba a lot less than otherwise until he's much bigger when I can easily feel and see a distinct baby shape roll and move around. That's my favourite point in pregnancy, my last 2 pregnancies I was no longer suffering morning sickness by the time I was 30 weeks and with a belly full of baby. I feel my most energetic, beautiful and strongest when I am early in the 3rd trimester.

DS is nursing often still, I am beginning to suspect I should prepare myself for either more focibly encouraging weaning or get used to the idea of tandem nursing. I secretly wish I could have a break before baby is here, but I want to also soak up every second of my son's nursing stage... he won't be a little nursling forever. It is a bit uncomfortable with a belly, if I don't get the positioning just right it feels like I'm being crushed. Lying down is how I nurse him when I can, otherwise I'll make myself a nest of pillows.

Nursing at 18 months, I love his sweet little face <3

I've started to get some heartburn this week, and for some reason I've been craving cows milk. Since we don't have any apples at the moment I have been relying on the milk to neutralise the acid, as well as the craving. It is next to impossible to sleep when your chest feels like it's on fire. It does work, but apples are my favourite heartburn remedy.
The pain I've been getting in my pelvis/hip has been on and off good and bad. For 4 days I was limping and in a fair bit of pain. I rolled over in bed one morning and my hips cracked and I've only had occasional aches since. I suspect what was going on was my hips were just a bit out and it was putting pressure on the sciatic nerve, when it popped back into place the pressure wasn't there but it still feels a little bit bruised. I can walk fine now, which means I don't have to worry that it won't go away next time if it happens again. I was starting to wonder by day 4, even thinking of seeing a physiotherapist through the local public hospital (it would cost me an arm and a leg to go about it privately).  I'm looking into alternatives, because to be honest, the physiotherapy I had when I was pregnant with DS was a waste of time.

Here's a belly pic taken earlier this week (23+1) I'm absolutely in love with my dress (it's new) and apparently it really shows off my bump :)

Well that's it for now, until next time :)

Peace, Love & Light xo

Week 22

I've had a really hard week this week. This week is week 22, Monday marks 23 weeks of this pregnancy gone, just another 17ish more weeks to go.

Morning sickness has made a comeback... not that it ever went, but it is bad again. At least this time I'm not nauseated the whole day. Mornings are a horrible time for me. My fiance just knows every morning where to find me if I'm not in bed... I admit, there have been plenty of times this pregnancy where I've cried over the toilet bowl.

Sleep is becoming more difficult, I can't find a position that doesn't hurt or make me feel dizzy. Up until last week I was happily sleeping on my right side. I know, you're *supposed* to sleep on the left  because baby could compress a major artery but I could not sleep on my left without feeling sick and being in pain, now I feel, for lack of a better word, weird while I sleep on that side. A clear signal to me, telling me to stop sleeping that way.  Unfortunately, now that I'm sleeping on my other side and can't really move, because I can't roll, my hips have decided now is the time to start hurting big time.

I am waddling around the house now, I had sacroiliac pain last pregnancy, I thought that was bad... clearly I just needed to get pregnant again.. I find it difficult to put weight on one leg (usually my left) because of the pain in my hip sometimes, thankfully I can avoid triggering the pain so I'm not always hurting. At night is when it is at its worst, and picking up my heavy toddler doesn't help.
I went to the local Healthy Living store for my birthday in September and bought a bath soak, I got a Byron Bay Healthy Salt Co. Magnesium bath soak. Website is here: Byron Bay Healthy Salt Co. I'm buying the whole collection when I get the money ;) I really did feel so much better after my bath, and the smell is so relaxing. My muscles stopped aching for that day and the next, and for a few days my skin was super soft as well. I got the de-stress one, the essential oils added are: Rosewood, Bergamot, Patchouli, Frankincence, Geranium, Lavender and Ylang Ylang. I have the empty packet at my desk just to keep smelling it, it's that good. 

DS is still nursing as much as ever. For a while breastfeeding was painful and felt like a chore. I was starting to hate it. I was starting to want DS to wean, just to have my boobs back. I still have really sensitive breasts, nursing is just like nursing a newborn except he's bigger and has teeth. The sensitivity is sometimes enough to scare me into not wanting to nurse, but when I do it does go away after a moment or so and nursing is pleasant again. Nursing through pregnancy is way more up and down than I could have ever guessed. I'm glad I am doing it, mainly because I know I would have missed out on so much (the cuddles and being able to get him to sleep easily..also my baby kicking his brother while he nurses... I doubt DS feels it yet but I do) if I weaned my son when he was 13 months, when we first started TTC. I have no mature milk now, it's all colostrum again. Thick and yellowish white, liquid gold. It seems to not bother DS in the slightest, not even runny bowel movements which happens because colostrum has a laxative effect to clear out the meconium from a newborn's bowel. I'm enjoying each snuggly nursing session while I can still, last month I was not sure if we would get to 18 months of breastfeeding. My milk was transitioning and my nipples hurt and DS was teething. As I write this, he has a cold, so he's back to nursing like a newborn. I've counted 5 times so far today and it's not even 1:30pm.

I'm not sure what's going to happen when the baby is here.... DS gets extremely jealous when his sister has a cuddle from me, he'll have a tantrum! It's distressing at times when I NEED to be reassuring my DD and he comes up and has a fit because I'm cuddling his sister not him. I'm not sure if this is a phase or if I need to start doing something to help him cope with seeing another baby getting loves from mummy.

I've got more to write about but I have to get going, our little family is off to the festival at the beach this afternoon so we've got to start getting ready now :)

Apologies if there are grammatical and spelling errors, I'll edit later on if need be.. I'm not overly picky if there's one or 2 mistakes ;)

Peace, Love & Light xo

Ultrasound + 21 week update

On Thursday the 27th we went in for a routine morphology/anatomy ultrasounsd. I wanted to mainly rule out growth issues since I have Crohn's and do have difficulties absorbing nutrients due to the inflammation in my bowel. My DD was born small, my gastroenterologist told me after being diagnosed that my Crohn's had affected the amount of nutrients she was getting, hence a small baby. I want to avoid that if I can. As it was, everything was perfect.
And, if you haven't already found out, we're having another boy! We we offered a couple of 3D shots, I think it was the sonographer's way to double check he has a left hand without overly worrying us, clicking onto the fact that I was watching the screen very closely frowning a bit from concern. It was hard to see, the hand, it took a fair while to get the shot. For a minute there, we thought he was missing an arm or hand. He's not though, the 3D shots she got clearly showed a well formed hand, and a beautiful little face.

 

 

He's measuring spot on with my dates, the overall EDD they gave me was just 2 days off.  Everything seemed perfect. I have the ultrasound pics all on a disc, I'm so happy because I saw the 3D ones in colour for the first time after we got home. I could see his perfect little self well as it was, with the colour, it's even clearer. I NEVER thought we would have the chance to get 3D shots. I'm glad it was only a minute she took to get the pics so I wasn't overly concerned about the sound waves. That, and I needed to be sure he had 2 hands, I didn't want another ultrasound.


We were talking with the lady who did the scan how we think we're having a girl but daddy was hoping for another boy, when she knew she turned to us and said, 'So, who said what again?' We answered and she laughed and said 'Daddy was right' and we all just laughed for a minute there, me mainly out of shock. I was so sure I was having another girl, but didn't hope for either. Good thing too or I would have been majorly disappointed. I teared up a little, it was the first proper surprise we've had at an ultrasound so we were overjoyed. With the other two it was more like, 'See, I was right' rather than 'OMGGGGG WE'RE HAVING ANOTHER BOYYYY!!!!!!!!!!' like this time around.

A tradition we have is the day we know the sex, we go out and buy their first outfit. With DD we bought a pink bonds jumpsuit, with DS we bought a little hoodie jumpsuit but he ended up wearing a white bonds jumpsuit because it was too cold for the one we bought, it had no legs and we didn't pack leggings. This time, it was strange to think, this baby we grew ourselves, is going to someday wear this. Someday, in our near future, we plan to welcome him to our world our way. Reality hit a bit. Of course, I am now so excited for labour that I'm dreaming about it. My partner can't wait either, he thinks it is the coolest thing ever that we're following our hearts and freebirthing. I also, like to call it Family Birth. There's nothing unsupported or lonely about this birth, because I will not be on my own, I'll be surrounded by people I trust and love with all my heart. We discussed today, what happens if I'm too alert after the birth, I am a little afraid I will not enter deeply enough into the right state of mind for labour or that I will and something goes wrong and my partner isn't fast enough to notice. As it is, he's more familiar with the birth process, and the emotional stages of labour than I usually give him credit for. He could totally be a doula ;)
I 100% trust that if there is something wrong, he will notice, since he knows me better than anyone else in the world. Even better than I know myself sometimes. He's not stupid, he's got incredible intuition, he seems to have some sort of 6th sense when things aren't 100%. I still have a lot more to go through with him, I swear eventually he will get sick of me showing him birthy stuff.

We're getting things sorted now, we'll have our birth kit complete by 35 weeks. That's our aim, anyway. We have discovered most of what we thought we might need, we won't. I recently discovered this: http://www.homebirth.net.au/2008/04/resuscitation-of-newborn.html well written blog entry regarding newborn resus. Which led me to: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1175935/ 'Air or 100% oxygen for asphyxiated babies? Time to decide'.

So, initially we were looking to have oxygen on hand but now feel it's unecessary. Since room air is better for the baby, we're NOT going to have oxygen. Knowing 100% O2 could even be toxic, we're not taking a chance with it if something were to happen. If room air is better, then room air it is.

My morning sickness is easing, but still not gone completely. I am ravenously hungry all the time it seems, I'm always full because I'm always eating. I woke from a nap today, one that didn't even last an hour mind you, and was starving to the point of nausea when I got up.
Nothing much else has been happening. DS is still happily nursing, we have less than 2 weeks until he turns 18 months. He is beginning to wean, it's not going to happen suddenly, I know that now - initially I worried because my milk did suddenly decrease and start to thicken when I was 18 weeks. I can hardly express any now, and I am 22 weeks on Monday. I'm not quite ready for him to wean, I'm so glad he's taking his time because I need that time too. He's started sleeping through the night in his own bed this last week, and today fell asleep on his own watching a dvd. His teeth seem to be done coming through at the moment, thank goodness, I don't think I could deal with teething again while I'm pregnant.
That's all for now. I'll update with a belly shot soon, I've got to find the cable for our camera ;)

Peace, Love & Light xo

Congrats!

I just wanted to say, just quickly, that I am unable to view some comments on my blog. I get the email but when I go to reply, it's not there.
Because I can't reply, I decided to write this post.

It has come to my attention that a mama who reads my blog is expecting her second baby. I wanted to say congrats!! :D *big virtual hugs* All the best for your pregnancy mama :D

Peace, Love and Light xo

19 weeks 6 days, Update, Pregnancy dreams, thoughts on birth.

Just one more day and I'm halfway! Also, I have my ultrasound this coming Thursday.
I have a strong feeling baby is a girl, I'm going to be surprised it it isn't.

I had a dream on the 25th, where I was 'told' the sex of the baby. In my dream, my fiance was going to bake a cake to reveal the sex following the ultrasound. I was in the kitchen where he was going to make it, and he had written the sex on a blackboard and then covered it with paper so I couldn't see. When I walked past the blackboard, as I was leaving, the paper fell revealing the sex. Girl, it said. Plain as day.
I have since found it difficult to refer to baby as anything but a little girl, but until the ultrasound I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment. If baby is a boy, yes, I will be thrilled, but I can't say I won't feel a little disappointed.. only because I am so 'sure'.

I had dreams with my other 2, my first was the most vivid, and memorable.  I was in a forest, talking to a little girl, around 7 or 8 years old. She had long, straight dark blonde hair and she had blue eyes. I was telling her about the trees, and how when the tree is cut you count the rings to see how old it was. I was between 9 and 15 weeks pregnant at the time, if I had to guess I would have said girl.

Fast forward to 37 weeks and 5 days, I give birth. My baby girl, a little blonde, blue eyed beauty. Fast forward again, she's 3.5, her hair, eyes are exactly the same as the girl in my dream.

I do believe dreams can tell us things, I do not know if it is my own inner knowledge or baby connecting with me to tell me though. 

I didn't have quite as vivid dreams with DS. I just knew he was a boy, even well before conception. Almost like he chose me, and my heart knew to look forward to him joining me in this life. The night before the ultrasound that told us without a doubt, baby was a boy, I was second guessing my own intuituion. That night, I dreamed of my baby boy. I couldn't see his face, unlike with my DD, but I had no doubt he was a boy after that.

Now, I think you can understand why I have faith in my dreams. They aren't always wrong, especially when it comes to baby's sex.
We'll just have to wait until Thursday so see if once again, I was right.


And now onto my pregnancy update!
As I mentioned, I'm nearly halfway. I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going!
I am still suffering from morning sickness (or hypermesis...) today, I have been sick all morning. It is draining beyond belief. I hope I get some relief soon.

I am gaining weight, slowly, and my belly is big and round. It is very obvious now that I am pregnant. We were out shopping and one of my partner's friends who we haven't seen in a while spotted us, the first thing out his mouth was 'You're pregnant!' hahaha ;) I thought it was awesome, since I can't see what others can, it's nice not to worry if I just look fat.

DS and I are still nursing, I have next to no milk left, I think it is mostly colostrum now, but it changes throughout the day so I can't be certain. After DS nurses to sleep, I will have thin white milk but after a while it will thicken and go a more yellow colour. He's happy to keep nursing, but I hope he weans before I get too much further along. DS turned 17 months on the 17th, this the longest I have nursed, as DD weaned shortly before she turned 17 months. When we get to 18 months, I will have reached the goal I had so hoped to reach with DD, then, I think I won't feel guilty if he weans.


Emotionally, I feel all over the place.

A few of my friends have had babies in the past couple of weeks. I couldn't help but feel heartbroken for one who went in for an induction at 41 weeks, which turned into a cesarean. I don't know how she feels about it, and I don't think she is ready to speak about it. I hope she never feels like she failed.

Another friend had a baby this week, she had a difficult labour with her first, second time around active labour was 2.5 hours. She is thrilled to say the least, because she went drug-free, like she wanted.

I look to other people's birthing experiences, to learn to support them. I can't know the right things to say when I haven't been there and experienced it myself. I worry, all the time, that I will say the wrong thing. When a friend has a great experience, I share their joy, because I have felt it. When a friend shares their difficult/painful/traumatic experience, all I can do is give them a hug, and validate their feelings. I tell them, it's ok to feel like this, it's your experience and nobody has the right to tell you it didn't matter, as long as baby was healthy. It's ok to grieve for that birth you dreamed of, it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel it.

One of my best friends had a very traumatic birth, enough that she is not having any more babies because of it. I was lost, I didn't know what to say to her, so I just let her talk. Afterwards, we had a stronger friendship, and I could see a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. I can see, how important it is, to let a woman grieve for the birth she wanted, and to feel whatever she feels about the birth she did have, and be allowed to share her feelings without any judgement. Because of that friend, I felt it was my mission in life to help, in any way I could, to either be there to prevent it from becoming traumatic or to be there when she needs an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.

I realised, more than ever, Birth Matters.

Speaking with my fiance, about my feelings about our upcoming freebirth, it got me thinking. I am doing something that is far from accepted, and far from what is normal. It makes people uncomfortable, but why? Why does it frighten people who don't even know me, enough to tell me I'm doing something dangerous, stupid and selfish. Is it their own experiences or is it just because society has been led to believe birth is dangerous. What is it exactly, that scares people about birth the most? And why is it, when you aren't afraid, they think there is something wrong with you.
I have never felt more secure with my decision to freebirth, as you know from reading my blog, we planned to freebirth even before conception. Now that I'm pregnant, it's real, not something we're just discussing. The knowledge that we're doing it alone, is exciting, it's empowering. The only thing I feel we need a professional for, is to do the newborn health check in the days after the birth... something I am not trained in doing, I'd rather leave that to a midwife.

I had no idea my mother in law knew about our freebirth plans, DF told me last night she knows and she has complete faith in us. I'm completely blown away. It's one thing to be totally cool with us not vaccinating, but to be totally supportive of a freebirth is amazing. I know if she could be there, she would be, holding my hand as I ride the waves. She is coming up, after the birth, I get the feeling she knows we need our space before the birth. Also, she's not worried about us, so she feels there is no need to be there. She does not see birth as an emergency, and I am greatful.

Hmm... I've run out of things to write about right now. I tend to write what I am thinking. I will eventually get to part 2 of my breastfeeding experience with my DD. It was a traumatic event that happened which I plan to write about, but as of yet, I'm not quite ready. I am still trying to organise my thoughts on that. I still hold a lot of anger. I will update on thursday after the ultrasound, and if I manage, I hope to attend the Freedom for Birth screening which is happening locally that same night. If I do go, I will write a review :) I will also start sharing belly photos, I've learned how to use our new camera with the tripod so I can take decent ones haha.

Until next time. Peace, Love and Light xo

17 weeks 5 days update

17 weeks 5 days.
It's time for another update already!
My oh my, has this pregnancy gone so fast. I know, I say that almost every time.

So, breastfeeding has become a subject of my focus again. My milk seems to be drying up, but DS is not ready to give up it seems. I'm glad, I'm far from ready for him to wean, but I do think our breastfeeding adventure is nearing its end. I'm nursing as I type, DS is singing, he's ready for a nap, but lately he seems to fight it, or, nursing isn't doing what it used to. I wasn't going to let him be a twiddler, when he started around 13 months just prior to me getting pregnant I noticed how much comfort it gave him, so I didn't really make too much effort stopping him. Now, I'm glad I didn't, because boob itself isn't enough to fall asleep, twiddling AND boobie is... but only just. I'm not sure what will happen when he weans, when he gets upset, all I can do is nurse him.

I remember when DD weaned, my fears were realised. When she cried, I could do nothing but cuddle her. It was harder than what I was prepared for. I admit, I was counting on DS to wean when he was ready.. you know, able to settle without boob... so far, not happening.

I feel devistatingly sad at the thought of DS weaning. I've cried a lot over the past week, trying to come to terms with it. I'm really dreading it.

I've been trying to tell myself, well at least your nipples will get a break. At least he's older than 1. I've given him the absolute best start in life, I've done a great job getting through 18 weeks of pregnancy while nursing a toddler. No more accidental bites as DS drifts off into a deep sleep, just before he unlatches. No more all night nursing sessions. No more toddler nursing acrobatics, no more squished belly. But all I can think is:
I didn't have to get pregnant when I did, I could have waited we could still have our nursies the way they were. I am taking something away from him, I'm selfish to want another baby before DS was weaned. DS is not ready and it is all my fault that he is frustrated at the lack of milk. It's not his fault he likes to dance on the boobie, it's not his fault my boobs hurt. He's only 17 months.. still so young.

Someone tell me my feelings are valid? I feel like I'm being unreasonable...I guess I just want someone to tell me it is ok to feel confused and to be sad at the prospect of DS weaning...

So about the rest of the week. I'm not feeling as sick, quite frankly I'm thrilled about that. I'm carrying a bottle of water wherever I go now, I got dehydrated even when I was trying to drink more, I decided I should have no excuse if I have water with me all the time, and if I get through 2 in a day, I'm getting what I need.

I'm finding it hard to sleep, it's uncomfortable and I pee constantly. I'm trying to stay positive, at least I get naps.

I am still yet to book an appointment to get the referral for the ultrasound. I need to know my partner's work schedule so he can take us to the appointment (we have only one car). I'm running out of time to book in with the midwives at the local hospital - in case of transfer. I don't want to have to deal with OBs before I need them.

I'm starving all the time it seems, I'm gaining weight (over 60kgs now yay! 2 kgs in 3 weeks is pretty good considering my weight has stayed stable until now) I have a massive apetite so I'm eating non stop. I'm trying to keep it healthy, but I admit I have snacked on sweets. My belly is growing, slowly but surely. Suspicions of twins are out the window now, if there are 2 babies we'll be extremely surprised.

I have not used the doppler this week, there is no need. I can't feel any consistent movement yet but I have no reason to continue to blast sound waves at bebe.

Other than not much has been going on. So that's it for this update :)

Peace, Love & Light
xo

16 weeks 5 days

I'm 16 weeks and 5 days today. It's going pretty fast, maybe too fast. Soon I'll be halfway, or over half way if I birth before my 'EDD'.

I've started taking iron supplements, I'm not feeling quite as exhausted now. I actually feel pretty good. I've still got morning sickness, but it is getting so much better.

My belly is growing fast, I can feel a lot of stretching going on. It can get pretty painful, my skin is feeling quite tight too so I got some coconut oil and so far it's helping a lot. In fact, my skin has never felt so good. I usually have really dry skin, even though I live in the tropics. Now, my skin feels healthy, it's so weird! I love it. Now that my belly is getting bigger it is getting harder to do some things. My uterus is reaching my navel now, I can't wait until I can feel the kicks stronger. At the moment, I hardly feel a thing, a flutter here and there but nothing I notice too much.

I am still yet to book the ultrasound. I really need to get my butt into gear, I know I have no reason to believe there is a problem, but just in case. It's the only intervention I do agree with really, but I don't know what the statistics say about improving outcomes.

I'm still nursing, some days it's hard, some days it's easy. I'm taking each day as it comes. If DS nurses less during a day I feel sad at the though of him weaning already. Lucky for me he's not ready. I won't force him. I'm opening my mind up to tandem nursing, but I'll only do it with support from my partner, and he's not comfortable with it enough to support me, he's desperate for DS to wean as it is. He's not going to make me feel bad for not though, he is encouraging me to offer other things instead of a nurse though, at the moment DS nurses mainly to have a nap and during the night for comfort, so he's realised at the moment it's better to just let me nurse DS.

I watched a birth video the other day that had me a bit freaked out, honestly. It was one of the British TV shows called Home Birth Diaries. In one of the episodes,This on where the baby went into distress, baby was was born floppy and needed resuscitation. It was eye opening seeing it happen, and see the midwives work. It was good to see the skills used and to see how it is supposed to work. We're still doing a refresher course for our Senior First Aid though.

I am excited about the birth, I can't wait to see what my little baby looks like. Both my kids looked totally different, DD was blonde and had fuzzy straight hair and tiny, DS was chunky (he had fat rolls everywhere) and had black curly hair. It's impossible to imagine what my baby will look like. I'm expecting a chunky baby though, I know that at least, I am quite healthy like I was when I was pregnant with DS. I don't think too much about what labour will be like, mainly because I know it will probably be nothing like it. There's no point trying to guess what labour will be like, it works in mysterious ways ;)
DD is excited about having a new baby brother or sister, she likes to touch my belly and talk to baby. I wonder what is going through her mind when she does that... DS has no idea or ability to comprehend me being pregnant, he just knows mummy's milk is starting to change, and there isn't as much but he still gets boobie when he's tired and wants to sleep. He gets jealous when DD and I cuddle, sometimes I worry about how he will be with the new baby. He will still be relatively young, only 22 months... but I do remember DD was very different to how she was at 16 months as to 22 months. He's still got a lot of developing to do in a short time. I keep forgetting sometimes how much kids learn in such short spaces of time.

Well, that's it for now. Hopefully I'll be able to update more often. It's quite relaxing to write, I really only get the time when the kids are asleep and my partner is at work though, this is alone time for me :)
Peace, Love & Light xo

15 weeks 1 day update.

 

Fifteen weeks one day update!!

I'm beginning to feel better, I'm only throwing up once or twice a day now. It's still horrible and my body aches for quite some time afterwards so I feel weak often but I'm getting through it. I got to weigh myself for the first time since before we concieved (we finally found batteries for our electric scales) where I was between 57kg -60kg I now weigh about 58.8kg, it's too difficult at this point in time to work out if I lost or gained... probably both.

14 weeks 6 day belly shot :)

I have been sleeping a fair bit lately, whenever my partner is off work he tells me to go sleep while he entertains the kids. I'm so grateful for him. I haven't felt so tired in a long time. There have been times where I can't really move around much. I suspect my iron levels are low. I look forward to when I don't feel so tired anymore...
I have literally NO appetite, yet I get hunger pains often. I'm trying so hard to eat well. I'm literally force feeding myself at the moment.
I've been playing with my doppler, I know I said I wouldn't use it much, but I haven't been using it much each time, just long enough to hear the heart beat. I find it reassuring when I have been feeling rather crampy, which is happening more often this pregnancy. The heart rate still jumps around a lot, anywhere from 130 to 170.  My womb feels incredibly heavy, we've tried to feel for the fundus and it seems to be up near my navel.. it's hard to tell though, I can't feel it too well right now because it's still pretty early and I can't do it the same as midwives on myself, and DF can't feel things too subtle (he's a chef, he's injured his hands a lot over the years...) but both of us think it's about 2-3cm below my navel. I knew a third pregnancy is supposed to be entirely unpredictable but seriously?Everything is so different this time.

I'm due to have the morphology scan some time in September, I've got to book it eventually. I'm so curious as to what the sex of the baby is... I don't really have any strong feelings anymore.. earlier it was girl, now I don't know...

Not much else is happening at the moment. So until next time.
Peace, Love & Light.

Before and After. Attatchment Parenting in my life.

I've been inspired by the latest post by Living Through Learning, Learning To Live, I've gone through many changes since having my kids. I've had to learn the hard way for many things. I wish I could say I've been an AP mum since the birth of my daughter. I haven't, I began parenting very much the 'mainstream' way.

I do not expect anyone to agree with everything I say, you are entitled to your own opinion too, which is why I ask that you remain respectful. I have tried to write this in the least offensive way possible, but I'm sure someone will still be offended somewhere, somehow. The links I provided are not intended to make you change your mind about anything, I only want to open your minds if my parenting 'style' seems wrong or odd to you.

BEFORE I discovered Attatchment Parenting.

I was/did:

Detatched.
I didn't hold her much, she spent a fair bit of time in her bouncer, part of this was the PPD I was too scared to hold her, part of it was because I didn't want to spoil her, everyone told me not to go to her the moment she would make a noise. And I listened. When I breastfed her to sleep, I wouldn't look at her, it would be dark, I wouldn't talk to her. It was just silence and darkness. That was when I breastfed her to sleep, other times she would get the dummy and be swaddled and put in the basinette. She spent a fair bit of time in her rocker, or on the floor playing with her toys while I sat and watched or wriggle a new toy in her face when she seemed bored, I didn't even think to cuddle her. I had no instinct, or so it felt like.

Scheduled feeds.
My daughter was put on a schedule for her feeds, it was our second day home and I remember turning to my partner as she cried 'But it's not time yet, she can't possibly be hungry!' Insert dummy
I gave my daughter formula, I didn't hold want her near my breasts. I think it was our 4th week, we gave her one or 2 bottles at night when engorgement made is absolutely impossibe to get her to latch. My breasts were like over inflated balloons, with flat nipples with deep cracks and a tongue tied baby, I was determined to keep going but I was losing the fight. I HATED breastfeeding. I don't know what kept me going. Even my partner was saying, 'We can always get formula' and it crushed me, I felt like such a failure. If I didn't scedule feeds it would have been much easier... but I only know that in hindsight. I did breastfeed for 16ish months, most of it was joyful and I was sad when she weaned.
Disposeable Nappies.
I used disposeables, and I didn't care much for the benefits of cloth. I was 11 weeks pregnant with DD when my mother in law suggested cloth, and I laughed and said there was only one way I would EVER use cloth, and that's if I didn't have to deal with poo (meaning not have to wash them haha) I was incredibly unaware how awesome cloth nappies were now, I was imagining the type you fold yourself and use pins.

Vaccines.
I vaccinated on schedule, and felt incredibly guilty when she was just one week late. I even was the person who thought those who didn't vaccinate must be selfish and were putting their babies and everyone around them at risk, I was THAT person. I blindly trusted my doctor, from 3 weeks my DD started to get the most awful eczema, even the steriod cream wasn't enough sometimes, it has continued to stay bad into early childhood. I didn't know there are MANY side effects of vaccines, I didn't know what was in them or even how they worked. I believed once my daughter had the shot she would be immune, she would be 100% protected and if she didn't suffer an instant and severe reaction she wouldn't have any problems later on. I understand there are people out there who may believe the risks to the vaccine is worth the risk, that is absolutely their decision but if you don't know the facts how can you make the right decision. I didn't have the facts, I wasn't making an informed decision to vaccinate but when I did become informed, I stopped vaccinating immediately.

What changed?

Things changed once I started reading about different parenting styles. They, Attatchment Parenting and Evolutionary Parenting mainly, were mentioned in a breastfeeding support group I was a part of. I was very interested in their philosophy, it went against what I had been told by my family, but it sounded so right for my family. I love the idea of nurturing babies, it went against my instinct to do what I did with my DD but cultural norms drowned it out. I don't even listen to the cultural norms now, my instinct is loud and clear.

When I finally got past my breastfeeding struggles, by nursing as often as I could (this happened mainly AFTER my surgery as an attempt to relactate, I was sucessful and was nursing exclusively after a week or so), I started to understand the imprtance in responding to baby's needs. When I saw that if I nursed my DD as soon as she started to rub her mouth, and make the little squeaks if I fed her straight away she would be so much more settled. She nursed often but she stopped crying in between, we didn't need the dummy as often athough we couldn't get her to get rid of it until she was 2, well after weaning, a few months after my second was born. I started to enjoy breastfeeding, and the cuddles that came with it. We nursed into toddlerhood, something I NEVER imagined myself doing, I thought 12 months was normal for them to wean... how uneducated I was haha

We started to bond, but there was damage to her trust in me, because of the detatched beginning. She didn't need me like babies should. This still breaks my heart, and I try hard every day to fix that. It's working, AP is the parenting style she suits best, I regret listening to everyone else...

When my son was born I was very much AP, I breastfed every hour or less for however long it took, and I never got as engorged as I did last time. As passionate as I am about breastfeeding, I don't think much of it now. It has become something so every day and normal to me, like driving a car, at first it's awesome and you're excited about it, after a while it's just how you do things, nothing that special. Except breastfeeding is always about the nurturing, the milky goodness, the snuggles and of course, knowing it's the best food you can provide, you can't do any better. I snuggled him ALL the time, I was addicted to my son. I wanted to spend every moment I could with him. I did love breastfeeding this time, from the beginning even when it was hard. It was easier because I knew HOW to. I'm happy to keep going through this pregnancy, as close to 2 as I can, we are at 16 months in a few days, almost the longest I have breastfed, and I am proud of that. If I can get to 18 months, just 2 months more and I will have reached my first goal, I was disappointed I didn't get that far with DD, even when even when I tried to keep going, I offered the breast often but over time, she lost all interest. I was glad she was the one who decided to wean in the end, even if we didn't make it to 18 months or 2 years. The whole point was for her to self wean.

DS less than 1 week old. I carried him like this everywhere I could.

I bought a baby sling after reading something about baby wearing when she was 3.5 months, it was one of those Australian Bubzilla slings. I LOVED it, I wore her everywhere, well into toddlerhood until I was pretty far along in my pregnancy and it was too uncomfortable. Babywearing was what I needed, it reminded me of being pregnant, but I could kiss their little head.

When my DS was little I made a moby-like wrap (see below) and we used it all the time, I even did housework with him sleeping in it. I would go out for the day and only take a stroller for my DD rather than a double pram. I loved it and will make a new one for #3, I gave the one in the picture to my best friend a few days before moving interstate, she had just had her baby boy and I couldn't think of a better gift (she always admired it and borrowed it a few times). She adores it, and uses it 6 months later :)

Having fun outside 5-6 months old.

As part of my growth, I began to develop my own parenting philosophy.

Babies are born with needs, these needs must be met for optimal emotional growth. Babies deserve more than to survive, they deserve to thrive. A baby's cry is precicely as urgent as it sounds, it's only logical, it's unnatural to be able to ignore it. I react when my kids cry, all I want to do is stop it immediately, I can't stand hearing crying and not do something to make it better. I did try cry it out/controlled crying/sleep training at one point when DD was 7 months. I detest that method now, it's a blatant disregard for their need to be near people when they sleep, it's uneccesarily putting mum and baby through incredible stress, NOT the magic fix all for a baby who won't sleep. It is also quite damaging to their brain. When they cry, they get stressed. When they get stressed the cortisol levels skyrocket and these high levels damage the brain. We all knew this, for a long time, remember the phrase 'Stress less, you'll live longer'? You can do your own research, but you can see here what I mean if you want http://www.livestrong.com/article/18695-effects-cortisol-brain/ I decided to NEVER EVER EVER EVER, do Cry It Out again, I even go as far as tell people NOT to do it, from my own experience, and from the research. What mother willingly puts her baby through that when she knows it isn't good for her baby at all? They're told it's the best thing to do, they're told it's important to teach baby to sleep on their own, they are told CIO won't hurt their babies.... they deserve to know the whole truth.

If you want to know what it's like for the baby? Read this, I found this when I was looking into CIO and it was what confirmed my deicision NOT to pracice CIO any more with my DD (we did it for a few weeks, right down to completely ignoring her scream until she fell asleep, the harshest way to do CIO.. I am forever guilty about not doing my research and putting my daughter through that). http://parentingredefined.blogspot.com.au/2010/12/letters-from-baby-please-dont-let-me.html

This isn't to say I let my kids walk all over me, absolutely not! I tell them NO quite easily, but I also tell others, no, too, so I'm not treating my kids with any less respect than any other person. They have boundaries but they also know I am ALWAYS there when they need me, they are ALWAYS safe, and they can always come to me no matter their emotional state. We all love a cuddle from someone we love when we're upset, it's no different for kids. My job as a mum is to raise emotionally secure, confident, compassionate people. To do that, I have to show them, otherwise they'll never learn.

I am 100% against any infant circumcision, for one it's a violation of their Human Right to Genital Integrity, and 2, it's completely unecessary and actually harmful. Don't believe me? Check out The Whole Network for more information, I highly suggest you inform yourself. My son is intact, mostly because it's just not really done here in Australia but because my father was very much a vocal intactivist, so I grew up knowing why it's unecessary and why it's wrong. I fought hard aganst my partner who is circumcised, and wanted his son cut too. He was quite pro-cutting, but, even he understood why not to do it and supported me. Now, when there is someone that mentions it (usually during a nappy change) he tells them quite simply 'It's not up to us to decide, his body his choice'. He didn't want to violate his son's Human Right, although even if he didn't agree with me, I would have refused consent anyway. My son was not going to be cut, I had a say, I had to protect my son so I wasn't giving in.

Another way things have changed?
About vaccines. I am extremely p*ssed off that I was told they were safe, I get p*ssed off when doctors even now tell me they're safe even after I state the facts from the government sites. When I know better, they AREN'T safe, if your child has any reaction then the risk is 100%, you only know after the damage is done.
The latest doctor to insist they are safe didn't like being told/reminded (assuming he ever knew a thing about them) that only between 1-10% of ALL reactions to vaccines are even reported. That there has never been a long term double blind study with a control done on vaccines and the long term effectiveness and safety so it is absolutely untrue to say they are 100% safe and it unethical to suggest/demand I vaccinate when they really don't know anything about them, or what could happen to my child. Why should I inject my child when something worse than the illness they are vaccinating against could happen? Why risk death or neural damage? Pertussus has come into the media a lot lately, so many people insist its important to get it. Yet more than 80% of the people who were infected were fully or partially vaccinated. The vaccine is useless, Australia no longer offers free pertussus vaccines because of its ineffectiveness. States ending free parent whooping vaccine.

I did research into vaccines from the time my DD was 12 months, I got suspicious when I noticed they vaccinate for chicken pox at 18 months. I had chicken pox twice, older than the average (13 years old) and it didn't bother me at all, I remember it clearly. Why the heck should I vaccinate my child against something so mild as chicken pox? To protect the adults who might get sick? Well, um, hate to break it but it's like trying to eradicate the common cold. Nearly every kid will get it, someone will get worse off, why should I risk a reaction or autoimmune disease in my child for someone else they will most likely never come across. It's not that hard to keep sick kids away from immune compromised persons, especially if the symptoms arent masked like with the pertussus vaccine. People use the argument 'It will be less severe if I get it", yes, true, it also makes it harder to diagnose, meaning you could be walking around with a persistent cough sprading pertussus for ages before realising you have it, if you realise it.

Herd immunity, absolute myth. I can't help but laugh when someone tries that on me.

If you want something quick to read that you can start your research from, read this: If you are in support of vaccinations

I have legitimate concerns over the safety of vaccines. More and more research is indicating chronic illnesses are being caused my vaccines. As someone with a chronic illness (Crohn's Disease), I have to wonder if it was a result of being vaccinated. My daughter is, different to 'normal' kids, she's starting school next year and we don't think she's even close to being ready. She is having another asessment soon, at 18 months she was only slightly delayed but enough to recommend another asessment in the future. I have wondered if she is on the Autism scale, but she was too young to really tell until, well, now. I'm hoping it's normal developent, albeit slow, and she can cope well with school. I will not homeschool.

Currently, I am deeply researching vaccines, although I don't intend to vaccinate, I want as much information so that if people ask why, I can send them to a reliable source. I admit, I have not used medical journals for the links I have used in this entry, because mostly, this is my opinion and I'm not educating you, it's up to you to educate yourself. Mostly, they are places to start, you will find most if not all have references.

Most of my parenting journey has invoved extensive research, I can't ever change the past, I do regret how I started off parenting. I wish I prepared myself more. BUT I am here, doing my absoute best, there was no way I could have known any better. But now I do, I do better. Hopefully, by sharing my experiences, people will understand WHY I do what I do, so they're not so quick to judge.

We started using cloth nappies when DS was 5 months, I had enough of the smell of the bin, I was sick of wasting enormous amounts of money. One day I found out about modern cloth nappies, MCN's, besides saving thousands of dollars, it was only barely more expensive to buy cloth than it was to buy big boxes of disposeables. We spend $108 and within 2 weeks we had 30 pocket nappies with inserts, in a few months, I could afford to add to my Fluff. I have an addiction, and honestly, poop isn't that bad. It's nice to never run out too.

Cloth nappies make the best summerwear, and it looks cute ;)

Thank you, if you took the time to read this.

Peace Love & Light.

Facebook!

I've decided to start up a facebook page for anyone who reads this blog. I'll share bits of info I find interesting, from Freebirthing to Placenta encapsulation, if 'likers' want to know something I'll find out for them if I can. It's something I love doing, unfortunately my personal facebook is not the place to share certain things... not everyone wants to see a picture of a placenta ;).
I hope to have a big enough community where like minded people have a safe space to learn and share. I use facebook daily, so it will hopefully become a sort of, extra to the blog.

If there are enough 'likers' I will be looking into adding another admin, I want no trolling or harassment or bullying to take place, which is rare to come across but some of my favourites such as Birth Without Fear and Mama Birth manage to do it, so I know it can be done.

I hope my idea goes somewhere, I have time to dedicate to it, I just hope it's worth it.

So, please 'like' Diary of a Birth Greek :) Diary of a Birth Geek Facebook

Peace, Love & Light.

Fetal tones at 13+4

I played with my doppler today, and I got a lovely strong sound. For fun, I recorded it ;)
I am 13+4, bub likes to chill out on my right side. I am 100% sure I have another anterior placenta, it's sitting near the top, a little to the right, it's so easy to find when you can hear it, it's a slower whooshing sound, similar to the maternal pulse. Nowhere near as fast as baby.

So here it is, the fetal tones at 13 weeks and 4 days, with an anterior placenta. The first time I've EVER heart a heart beat at this gestation, because most midwives don't start checking until later in the pregnancy, I think with my first it was 14 weeks when the OB tried, she ended up getting the ultrasound so we only saw it, we heard it at 18 weeks, and about 18 weeks with DS. I'd be waiting another month if I was not doing it myself.

DF is THRILLED we can do it ourselves, he loves the idea of checking the heart himself. Since catching his son, he's become more interested in birthy stuff, he understands things more (I've never had a C-section but he's very familiar with the terms VBAC and VBa2C, HBAC etc...I think he's aware I have a soft spot for VBACs) , and honestly, I LOVE teaching him this stuff, I get to talk birth as much as I want... except I'm not allowed to watch One Born Every Minute with him in the room, I yell at the tv a lot, as much as I cry like a baby when the baby is born. They treat birth like a xenomorph is going to explode out of the vagina... (if you have ever seen the Alien movies, you'll know what I mean) and as much as I am addicted to that first moment when mum meets baby it really does bother me, and I probably would be happier not watching it...

So anyway, there it is, my baby's heart beat at 13 weeks 4 days gestation. Something I thought I would share with the world :)

Peace, Love & light.

12 weeks 5 days

I am 13 weeks in 2 days, and I think I've pulled a muscle from throwing up.
I feel bruised and it's uncomfortable to move and breathe, it hurts worse after being sick, which is at least 4 times a day. Ginger isn't working so I'm focusing on getting food in and drinking plenty,  I feel great when the nausea goes so I know I'm getting enough in. I'm gaining weight and I've got a little round belly. 
DS is cutting down his nursing, he nurses about 4 times a day and sleeps almost through the night without waking to nurse. He's cutting his inscisors, all 4 currently, so I suspect he may cut down more, part of me is glad, another part of me desperately wants him to nurse as long as he wants not because I'm pregnant and milk supply is going. I love breastfeeding him, it settles him 99% of the time, not that he's an unsettled one, for the most part he's pretty chilled ;)

I'm taking each day as it comes, I hope to at least nurse DS until he is 18 months, I'd really be happy if he weans later rather than sooner. I won't mnd tandem if that means only nursing DS before he sleeps, but there's no way I can cope with a newborn and nursing DS as often as he does now. Because I'm running out of milk, I give him drinks of water rather than nurse, as much as I really didn't want to, I'm leading weaning. Hoping it happens slowly but not too slowly. We'll just have to see how things are going.

I'm waiting for my doppler to arrive, I can't wait to finally hear the heart tones. We only plan 1, at 20 weeks to check out how bub's growing and rule out things that may complicate birth and rule out things that would require immediate high care, something we cannot provide. We're not having the genetic testing, or any blood tests at all.

We are getting blood typing cards, because we should be able to use whatever cord blood there is (after the 3rd stage is over) to determine blood tupe. The ones we're looking at will tells us if he/she is rh neg or rh pos, it will be easy to call my gp or head to the hospital for the rh shot within 72 hours of birth, I'm considering having the shot at 35 weeks or maybe a little sooner, since it lasts for about 12 weeks but I'm looking more into it at the moment before I make my decision. I have plenty of time.

I'm going to get vit k supplements for myself, DS had the vit k shot after birth because he was very bruised, he looked red in pictures for a while, his eyes were very red they were too dark to see what colour his eyes were (see pic) at the time the red concerned me so I gave permission for the shot, the only one my son has had in his life (he is vax free).




DS less than 24 hours old

I am not sure of my family's history, but I am aware my father had an issue with bruising as a child (he would roll around and the floor and be covered) which was why I agreed to the shot and not asked for the oral vit k, I was concerned he was already bleeding. I need to find out exactly what the issue was with my dad, so I know if I should have the oral one on hand or if me taking extra will be ok. I don't intend to not have the vit k altogether.
I am currently saving to get  The Healing Passage, a book for midwives on tearing, I tore nearly 3rd degree, and although I know exactly why I tore that badly (I ignored my body telling me to pant while he was crowning) I want to know more. I tore internally, very unlike an episiotomy so I don't have scarring that I can feel/ massage prior to birth, I hope this means if I control the pushing stage, I can avoid tearing altogether like with my first (I only had grazes). I'm not afraid of tearing anymore though, it's way less painful than a broken coccyx ;)

That's it for now. DS has nursed to sleep so it's time to move him to bed.
Peace, Love & Light

List of birth supplies.

I've begun to write out a list of everything I can think of any everything I find out about and think might be useful for the birth and afterwards.

Here's the start of my list:
Bath - to birth in
Warmed recieving blankets (wrap in foil and put in oven to warm just prior to the birth, a tip I learned from Peggy Vincent's book Baby Catcher)
Towels (obvious reasons)
Shepherd's purse tincture if I haemmorage (growing and making this myself)
List of emergency numbers, probably on speed dial too.
Doppler
Emergency Childbirth manual
Possibly suction bulb
CAMERA, I will not miss out on getting this birth on camera lol
herbal sitz bath + peri bottle
skin glue + herbal remedies for small tears, larger tears I'm yet to read up on, havent got the book I need yet.
Scales and tape measure to measure and weigh baby
Maternity pads
Hot wash cloths for PP swelling (Ice was useless for me, only caused pain from the cold and it's just so messy)
Bowl for placenta
sterile scissors to cut cord
cord clamps or tie, i'm not keen on putting  plastic clamp when I don't really need to though so it will probably be a piece of pretty material :P
rubbish bags (for all the bloody towels, not sure if i will try to remove the blood with peroxide or just throw out)
smelling salts (I felt faint after my last birth but i felt better when sitting)
Blood typing card, I am RH negative and if I can get some of the remaining cord blood to type bub's blood I will know if I need to immediately make an appointment to recieve the Anti-D (even though I currently have no plans for any more children)

Papers to write down APGAR and the usual newborn test results (They have it all written down in my other kid's baby's health records what they check, so I won't have to have it prior to the birth to know what to look for)
Birth registration papers
Conscious objector form..


I'm sure I'll be adding and removing things as times goes on and I learn more things.

I am 12 weeks pregnant now, I've just started looking for a doula. It's quite difficult, hopefully I find one....I purchased my doppler, just waiting for it to arrive. I'm getting lots of headaches, so I'm finding it hard to sit at the computer often now... like now, oh my it's starting to hurt, so I'm taking a break.

Peace Love & Light.

Overcoming breastfeeding obstacles, my breastfeeding jouney with my first child.

So nursing moms.. how long have you been going? How many babies have you nursed? How many "obstacles" have you overcome?


This question popped up on my facebook feed this morning, and it got me thinking about my first breastfeeding experience with my DD. It was pretty rough in the first few months, I'm not sure why I kept breastfeeding, I didn't actually know if I would EVER breastfeed without pain. Before giving birth, I never gave breastfeeding much thought I just assumed I didn't need to/couldn't prepare myself until our first try. I knew I was going to try it, I knew how important it was to breastfeed for at least 6 months. I wish I at least watched a youtube video before giving birth, I could have avoided so much pain.


I'll start from the beginning.
Straight after giving birth, once I was lying down and comfortable my midwife latched on my DD, I was not really focused on much, everything was a blur around me. I remember talking to my dad on the phone and then looking down at my daughter nursing. This was the part that had frightened me during pregnancy, and while I was pushing. She was born, it was time to take care of her. Because I had never spent much more than an hour with a newborn in my life, I had no idea what I was doing, I was extremely vulnerable to advice, I listened to EVERYONE. 

My mother in law had told me what it was like for her to nurse my partner, and I am so greatful she didn't sugar coat it, I would not have breastfed past a few days if not. I am sure of that. She told me how his latch was bad for the first few weeks it was agony and how she was nursing him and he was drinking blood from her cracked nippes. She told me this was ok, and that it's something that can be fixed, the blood won't make the baby sick. I held onto that information, close to my heart. It didn't help me gain the corouge to ask for help when I was experiencing the same thing, I had to get everything perfect because I was a teen mum, I didn't want to look like it was hard. My logic astounds me now.

The first night my nurse told me because my daughter was very small (2580g, just 80g less and she would be classed as low birth weight), I was not to let her sleep for more than 4 hours without a feed. In my sleep deprived state (it was 11 at night when I was moved to the postpartum ward - DD was born at 8:21pm) I heard 'Feed her every 4 hours' it stuck in my head, so that's what I did, even after we went home, I never let her comfort nurse I didn't know what it was. Every 4 hours she would come in to check our vitals and I'd wake my DD and the nurse would get her out (with my tailbone any movement was excruciating, even with pain meds) and she would help me nurse. By help, I mean pinching my nipple and shoving it into my DD's not quite wide open mouth. It hurt so much, I cried every time.

This continued through to the shift change the next morning, this new nurse did very much the same thing as the previous nurse, I would buzz and she would get my DD out of the cot and help latch her on. I had my family visit, I didn't really talk much, I really only wanted to sleep while they had a cuddle. My partner came first thing that morning, he had to leave at 12 the night of the birth  which was one of the reasons I planned a homebirth next time around, he took a video of me attempting to breastfeed, struggling to get her to wake up. This make me sad when I see it, I was drowning and only I know I was. I did everything I could to get my DD to latch on my own, but I kept failing. I was getting blood blisters and my milk was coming in. I had to get it right before engorgement set in, I told myself. I broke down on the night of my day 1 when my partner left. That night I co-slept, I had a great nurse she helped me co-sleep safely so I didn't have to hurt myself getting out of bed and she was a bit more helpful with breastfeeding, she guided me rather than latched her on for me, I could see what I needed to do but still didn't quite get it.

The next day, I tried our nursing on my own, it still hurt like crazy but it looked better, my nipples went numb after a few minutes so I thought 'Great, I got this!' because it didn't 'hurt' exactly. I wanted to go home. I had enough of the hospital and demanded they discharge me. We gave DD a bath then we were discharged. (A paediatrician saw DD twice while we in hospital, the day after the birth and the day we left)
I was so glad to be home, I thought I was starting to 'get' breastfeeding, I knew to try to get her to open her mouth wide. I was engorged the next morning and I had deep bleeding cracks by the afternoon. In the first week I almost got by without a dummy, but gave in, week 2 was hell but I had some sanity back from the dummy, I could calm her down better before I nursed her. I was a mess every single time she would wake, which we end up having to calm DD down because I'm stressing out so much. The moment she would sound like she was hungry I cried and started to shake. I was dileriously sleep deprived, at one point I was terrified of her. Then my midwife visited. She saw the cracks told me to try the football hold and to use paw paw ointment to help the cracks heal and to express milk and put that on the cracks then air dry. She helped me with the football hold and it was much much better. I didn't have gums chew me anymore. She said because my breasts are big and DD was so tiny, the clutch hold I was doing won't really work yet. She encouraged me and assured me DD was gaining well. I had strength to keep going. I don't regret giving her a dummy, even though I refused to use one with my DS, I do wish I had experienced comfort nursing with her because they can be such sweet moments, especially when they drift off to asleep.

Near the end of week 2 I was nursing her in the football hold every single feed and because I had broken my tailbone during the birth I spent most of those times perched on the end of the bed with a towel underneath my bottom hunched over holding her to my breast. Possibly the worst position to try breastfeeding in. I would do it the whole half hour or so it took for her to get full and I would be shaking from the pain before the end. I was learning by trial and error. I joined a Livejournal breastfeeding comminity - back in the day before there were the facebook groups we have today - and begged for advice. I was sent links, videos and lots of engouragement and advice. I wasn't alone anymore, some of these women have had gone through so much, I felt confident again.

I watched a youtube video (I can't find it anymore but if I do I'll link it) and I finally understood what breastfeeding was all about, it's more than just food, I CAN enjoy it. I started to get it but it still was so painful, I began to suspect tongue tie but didn't mention it until her first lot of vaccinations, my doc assumed all was well with breastfeeding (remember I was pretending it was easy) he said it wasn't necessary and we didn't discuss it further. By week 3 I was ready to throw in the towel, it was in the middle of the night and I just couldn't do it anymore. DF was doing everything he could to support me, he would be up all hours sterilzing my breastpump because DD wouldn't latch when I was too full. When I gave up, he supported me too, knowing how much I needed it as much as it killed me. We drove to the all-night service station and grabbed a tin of formula, secretly screaming at myself 'NO, DON'T!'. I was relieved when we tried to pay and the card was declined, we didn't have enough money, no cash, so we left quite embarassed to be honest. The assistant offered to give us a discount but we declined because I had I told my partner it must be a sign, I'm supposed to breastfeed. We got home and feeling better, I continued to breastfeed.

My first week alone was difficult, I'd get stuck on the couch with my DD sleeping on my chest because of my tailbone, it was still very painful, by now I had worked out it was broken. I was also very uncomfortable holding her and moving her. I was scared I would hurt her. If it was time for DF to get home from work I would wait for help but if not, I'd hurt myself getting up. I learnt not to lie down with her. The cracks were beginning to heal and now I was better at breastfeeding. I hadn't mastered lying down yet, I found I couldn't get her to latch right that way. Then I started getting pains in my upper abdomen, it was a slow start to what was leading up to a traumatic and painful time of my life.

To be continued in part 2.

8 weeks 5 days

I'm already starting to show, it's insane. I know I'm probably the only one besides my partner who can tell though. Yesterday I had to buy new maternity clothes because my jeans felt like they were going to cut my legs off from the waist. I got a hot pink top for good measure, and I love bright bold coloured maternity tops. The maternity pants I'm currently planning to live in are way too big (the tag says size 10, but I am REALLY doubting it's right, I'm swimming in them), I'm pinning them so they stay on my butt, and rolling down the belly band in the hopes that they stay on - I'm sure you can see in the pic :P I think I'll have to get more (and make sure they're the right size before purchasing, ha) if I want to be comfortable for the next 7-ish months, normal clothes just don't cut it anymore. I am going to get lots of dresses, here in Queensland, it feels like Spring in the middle of Winter, and once again, I'll be very big right in the middle of Summer. Even though while I was pregnant in Summer with my DD, just after a heatwave of over 35 degrees for 11 days, I swore I'll NEVER be big and pregnant in Summer again. I have since been heavily pregnant in Summer again and will be again. I think I will just stop making promises I know I can't keep, I actually prefer to have a newborn in Autumn, no stressing about them getting too cold or too hot, no worry about sunburn while I go for a walk. In Autumn I can babywear and not get ridiculously hot and not need a jumper.  I make my own moby-style wraps, the last one I had I passed onto my best friend when she gave birth to her second, she always admired it and I wanted to leave her with something special because we were planning to move a few weeks later. I'm looking forward to making my next one, just because I love making things ;)

Morning sickness is beginning to drain me, the first thing I experience when I wake is nausea, if I manage to fight the urge to empty my stomach and eat or drink, I end up losing the fight. During the day I'm generally ok, waves of nausea hit me every now and again but I don't feel the need to throw up. I'm struggling to get enough water down, if I drink too fast I get sick, if I drink too slow I don't feel any relief from the dryness in my mouth. Eating hardly helps, I'm just getting by each minute as it comes, emotionally I've been a mess.

Breastfeeding is becoming uncomfortable, I'm still making plenty of milk and DS is still very attatched to his boobie but I find myself wishing he would wean. He still wakes during the night to nurse, sometimes he doesn't want to sleep afterwards, I'm at the point where I want to night wean, just to get a decent sleep to get through the next day. I never thought I would say that.....I'm all for waiting for him to wean naturally, but I think being pregnant and having super sensitive and sore nipples, and the pain during let down - with all that new breast tissue that seems to be growing (seriously boobs, stop growing, E is big enough) is a good enough reason to want to wean. DS may still need the breast, I'm not going to deny him at all, but I can wish he didn't, right? Right now, I'm gently 'weaning' by the 'Don't offer, don't refuse' method. Mother led weaning is not something I am against, so I feel no guilt, as much as I did want to go to at least 2 years, I'm just not sure I'll get there. Unless he decides he needs it, I'm not going out of my way to nurse. I still find myself nursing throughout the day and night so I don't see him weaning yet, but like I said, night times would be nice if I could sleep so night weaning is something that is becoming enticing. I'm not the sort of person that NEEDS her body back, after all, I have been pregnant or breastfeeding non stop since july '08, but I do get the 'touched out' feeling and just want to be left alone, lately it's happening more often. Until recently, I had never heard of nursing aversion, something that happens during pregnancy for some women. I think it's something I may or am experiencing. I really hope this does pass.

I'm just taking each day, each moment as it comes, trying to enjoy every moment. Waiting for the right time to announce the pregnancy to our families and announce it publicly. I don't want to leave it much longer, I haven't spoken to my parents much since I moved, there was a bit of drama so I'm very nervous about calling (for the first time since the fight, I might add) and telling them I am having another baby. OH is going to tell his mother, he knows she's going to freak out, she's never been one to not say what she thinks, she has already told me not to have another baby, that 2 is enough. I'm glad he's going to bite that bullet, I'm scared enough about telling my own parents....

Mostly, though, I can hardly wait to share my news to the world (besides to this blog) a new life is something to celebrate, not hide. I want this to be a happy experience, rather than one filled with worry over what someone else will say or think.

We're still UPing currently, besides eat as best as I can and drink as much water as I need, there's very little I need to do. I'm yet to purchase the doppler, when I do, I'll be keeping checks to a mimimum since there's actually no studies done on the safety of sound waves on a growing fetus - there is something I have read about sound waves popping bubbles of fluid in the growing embryo so I want to minimise the risk of something happening. I'm not one to want to mess with nature. Once a month unless I'm worried should be more than enough. Both OH and I have agreed there's no need to have an ultrasound/blood test to at 13 weeks, we are sticking with just 1, the morphology scan which may give us information as to whether to seek assistance for the birth or coninue with our plans to freebirth. There is no test in the world that can tell us for certain if our baby is going to be healthy or not prior to birth, it's our faith in nature that is telling is our baby will grow fine and be a healthy baby. I have complete faith, so I do this without fear.

Peace, Love and Light xo

DD's birth story

Monday morning on the 23rd of March, somewhere between midnight and 3am I started to get crampy back pain, I dismissed it thinking it was nothing because I had some back pain due to my hips loosening, so I went to sleep.

After a restless sleep I woke up at 9 when my partner (OH) got up for work and still had the back pain, after an hour I went to the loo and noticed a show, still thinking it was nothing, because I believed a show isn't a definite 'you're in labour' sign, real labour could start a few days from now so I went and had a shower but told my partner, he didn't want to leave because he thought I was in labour but I reassured him and he went to work. He sent messages every half hour or less asking if I was ok and if it was time because when he left I was in a bit more pain and every time I peed I got a bad cramp in my belly (not once did I think it was a contraction)

I updated facebook status saying I might be in labour because the 'pain' was getting worse but I because the pain was bad in my back I didnt really notice any contractions...any I noticed were mistaken for BH.

Then it got to the point where I noticed the contractions-sharp pains in my lower belly (not my whole belly like BH which is what I expected) it was around 11am, so I texted mum saying I wasn't sure if it was it but I would soon know...she rang and asked me questions and said she'd come over (meanwhile I'm bawling my eyes out because I didnt know what to think) she said it sounded like I was in labour but I didnt want to believe it.

My partner texted me asking again if I thought it was it, I said I still didn't know. Mum arrived and then we chatted for a bit then went shopping for a few things (heat pack for my back) and in the hope that if I was in fact in labour, moving around would get things moving quicker.

We got home and my OH said he was coming home (he sent me a message while we were out and mum told me to tell him it was the early stages, oh I was so excited!!!)

OH got home and I told my best friend I was in labour, she asked if I wanted her to come over, and because I was so excited I said yes. After a while OH convinced me to call my midwife. I was having contractions about 5 minutes apart at this point I think, maybe a little further apart. I could still laugh through them so I wasn't too bothered by the pain, it really wasn't that painful. I expected OMG I AM DYING type pain, but this was like I'd just been running around and got a stitch. I was struggling to keep out of everyone's way while they packed my labour bag - I hadn't really bothered yet because I was only 37 weeks and 5 days along and it was my first birth because I was so full of energy. I called my midwife and I started crying, overwhelmed with how fast everything seemed to go, she was on her way soon after to come check if I was in labour so could labour at home.

When my midwife arrived she said she'd have to do an exam, I wanted to avoid them but I was desperate to know if I was in labour and we both knew an exam was going to give me that information.
I was 4cm dialated and my waters were bulging at bub's head and she was fully engaged (as you'd expect) and I was in the active stage of labour! I couldnt believe it, I was in labour and didn't even know it!! I expected it to be much worse. I came out of the bedroom with my midwife laughing because I couldn't believe it.

My midwife expected that in 4 hours I'd be at the hospital and ready to go but if the pain go too much, by all means head in earlier just call ahead and tell them to page her saying I'm on my way. She expected that bub would be here that night, she obviously knew my labour wasn't going to be a long labour. I had to time my contractions, they were coming every 2 minutes and lasting not quite a minute on average, when they were a minute or more I it would be the best time to head to the hospital.

I managed a few hours at home, I am not sure exactly how much but I think it was about 5:30-6 when I needed the bath in the birth centre and I wanted my midwife...even though I had mum, OH and my friend there with me, it wasn't the right support.

We called ahead and we left, by this stage I was having contractions every 2 minutes and now lasting about a minute and they were agony during the car trip, I spent the whole way crying, I needed to MOVE!. Every time I cried out OH panicked and asked if I was ok, all I said was there was nothing I could do about it and to keep driving. I thought it was pretty funny at the time.

We got to the hospital and I was dropped off out the front while OH went to find a park (mum and my friend followed in their cars) I was apparently told to go up while they went to find the park but I didn't hear so I paced out the front waiting having quite a few longer and closer contractions. Several people asked if I was ok, all I said was I'm in labour and I'm waiting for someone. I thought that was amusing too.

OH and mum finally came to me (after telling me I was told to go up already and me insisting they didn't) and then we headed up to the Womens Assessment Clinic where we met my midwife. She got me to sign some papers, not easy in the middle of a contraction but I got something that resembled a signature on it, then we headed up to the birth centre where my MW checked my BP and bub's heartrate which were good and then I hopped in the bath, without another exam...oh it was bliss on my backpain, but my contractions slowed down..I didn't mind though and it wasn't an issue.

Then pretty quickly the contractions started coming hard and fast with little or no break in between and I was starting to hyperventilate which wasn't helping. I called my midwife because I needed more reassurance that it would be over soon,  I wasn't coping too well and I asked for the gas (something I really regret now) and she said she'd do another exam to see where I was at, probably well aware I was in transition.  I got out of the bath, something I regretted instantly. I was almost fully dialated, there was just a tiny cervial lip to go so I allowed her to break my waters, I think this was about 7:45. I didn't feel entirely supported at this time, my midwife let my 'supports' do all the reassuring and they sat back and watched. I really felt alone at this point, and freaking out because everything was hurting and so intense.

When she broke my waters it was the weirdest feeling, in a way I regret allowing them to be broken because I wanted a natural birth and this wasnt natural but in hindsight it's what kept me going, I was young and although prepared for natural birth, had no idea what it was really like, I had never seen a birth before. She then sent me to the toilet telling me I needed to empty my bowels so off I went, after a while of pushing all of a sudden I could feel her head moving down. I freaked out and stood up and said 'I can feel the head!!' Sitting on the loo helped move her down  past the lip as it melted away, possibly speeding up the next stage, then the urge to push hit me.

I tried to run over to the bed and I can't remember exactly what happened but I ended up on my hands and knees pushing..I desperately needed someting to grab onto, like a bar but there was nothing at the head of the bed besides Apparently at one stage I was holding onto my OH and then had a contraction and almost snapped his neck. I was screaming while I pushed, I was pretty scared at this time. I remember thinking with absolute horror that I had to push that baby out now.

Pushing was intense, because I was not on my back or standing up, there wasn't much pressure in my bottom so it never felt like a big bowel movement as is so often described (I experienced that second time around haha) I don't remember too much of it to be quite honest, I remember crowning and screaming, then all of a sudden she plopped onto the bed and my midwife scooped her up and passed her between my legs.

I had a tiny little purplish baby in my arms crying ever so sweetly, I just kneeled there for a moment and took her all in, I held her out from my body, not sure what to do next. She was here, I was a mum, and I had no idea what to do. This was the part that scared me most, even while pregnant.

I handed her to my partner, much to his shock and lied down and took her back for a cuddle. The cord was cut by her dad when it was limp and I birthed the placenta then my midwife noticed DD attempt the newborn crawl so she helped me start breastfeeding. It was then that I knew I was going to breastfeed, no matter what it took. Good thing too, our breastfeeding relationship was rough for the first 9 weeks, I had to relactate after surgery, deal with tongue tie and bad latch which ended up leaving me with huge scars on my nipples. At my 6 week checkup, my midwife said she was so proud of me for sticking through it, most people would have given up by then dealing with that. The more I learnt about breastfeeding the more important it was for me to continue, my first goal was 6 weeks, then it was 6 months, then 9 months, then a year, then it became 18 months but DD weaned a few weeks before. My ultimate goal was 2 years but I wasn't sure if I could get there, I didn't but that's no big deal.

After an hour or so, my midwife took her to get weighed, measured and injected with the hep b vaccine (something I had no choice in, I was never asked) I'm not entirely sure if she recieved the vitamin k shot or not. I'll have to look at her birth record in her baby book..

She weighed 2580g and was 48 cm long with a 32 cm head circumference.

My life changed that day. So much. But I didn't yet feel like a woman, I still felt like a child due to how I was treated in the hospital by the staff, I will post about that another time, I still need to process it as I have never written about it before.


So there you have it, my daughter's birth story.

Peace, Love and Light