8 weeks 5 days

I'm already starting to show, it's insane. I know I'm probably the only one besides my partner who can tell though. Yesterday I had to buy new maternity clothes because my jeans felt like they were going to cut my legs off from the waist. I got a hot pink top for good measure, and I love bright bold coloured maternity tops. The maternity pants I'm currently planning to live in are way too big (the tag says size 10, but I am REALLY doubting it's right, I'm swimming in them), I'm pinning them so they stay on my butt, and rolling down the belly band in the hopes that they stay on - I'm sure you can see in the pic :P I think I'll have to get more (and make sure they're the right size before purchasing, ha) if I want to be comfortable for the next 7-ish months, normal clothes just don't cut it anymore. I am going to get lots of dresses, here in Queensland, it feels like Spring in the middle of Winter, and once again, I'll be very big right in the middle of Summer. Even though while I was pregnant in Summer with my DD, just after a heatwave of over 35 degrees for 11 days, I swore I'll NEVER be big and pregnant in Summer again. I have since been heavily pregnant in Summer again and will be again. I think I will just stop making promises I know I can't keep, I actually prefer to have a newborn in Autumn, no stressing about them getting too cold or too hot, no worry about sunburn while I go for a walk. In Autumn I can babywear and not get ridiculously hot and not need a jumper.  I make my own moby-style wraps, the last one I had I passed onto my best friend when she gave birth to her second, she always admired it and I wanted to leave her with something special because we were planning to move a few weeks later. I'm looking forward to making my next one, just because I love making things ;)

Morning sickness is beginning to drain me, the first thing I experience when I wake is nausea, if I manage to fight the urge to empty my stomach and eat or drink, I end up losing the fight. During the day I'm generally ok, waves of nausea hit me every now and again but I don't feel the need to throw up. I'm struggling to get enough water down, if I drink too fast I get sick, if I drink too slow I don't feel any relief from the dryness in my mouth. Eating hardly helps, I'm just getting by each minute as it comes, emotionally I've been a mess.

Breastfeeding is becoming uncomfortable, I'm still making plenty of milk and DS is still very attatched to his boobie but I find myself wishing he would wean. He still wakes during the night to nurse, sometimes he doesn't want to sleep afterwards, I'm at the point where I want to night wean, just to get a decent sleep to get through the next day. I never thought I would say that.....I'm all for waiting for him to wean naturally, but I think being pregnant and having super sensitive and sore nipples, and the pain during let down - with all that new breast tissue that seems to be growing (seriously boobs, stop growing, E is big enough) is a good enough reason to want to wean. DS may still need the breast, I'm not going to deny him at all, but I can wish he didn't, right? Right now, I'm gently 'weaning' by the 'Don't offer, don't refuse' method. Mother led weaning is not something I am against, so I feel no guilt, as much as I did want to go to at least 2 years, I'm just not sure I'll get there. Unless he decides he needs it, I'm not going out of my way to nurse. I still find myself nursing throughout the day and night so I don't see him weaning yet, but like I said, night times would be nice if I could sleep so night weaning is something that is becoming enticing. I'm not the sort of person that NEEDS her body back, after all, I have been pregnant or breastfeeding non stop since july '08, but I do get the 'touched out' feeling and just want to be left alone, lately it's happening more often. Until recently, I had never heard of nursing aversion, something that happens during pregnancy for some women. I think it's something I may or am experiencing. I really hope this does pass.

I'm just taking each day, each moment as it comes, trying to enjoy every moment. Waiting for the right time to announce the pregnancy to our families and announce it publicly. I don't want to leave it much longer, I haven't spoken to my parents much since I moved, there was a bit of drama so I'm very nervous about calling (for the first time since the fight, I might add) and telling them I am having another baby. OH is going to tell his mother, he knows she's going to freak out, she's never been one to not say what she thinks, she has already told me not to have another baby, that 2 is enough. I'm glad he's going to bite that bullet, I'm scared enough about telling my own parents....

Mostly, though, I can hardly wait to share my news to the world (besides to this blog) a new life is something to celebrate, not hide. I want this to be a happy experience, rather than one filled with worry over what someone else will say or think.

We're still UPing currently, besides eat as best as I can and drink as much water as I need, there's very little I need to do. I'm yet to purchase the doppler, when I do, I'll be keeping checks to a mimimum since there's actually no studies done on the safety of sound waves on a growing fetus - there is something I have read about sound waves popping bubbles of fluid in the growing embryo so I want to minimise the risk of something happening. I'm not one to want to mess with nature. Once a month unless I'm worried should be more than enough. Both OH and I have agreed there's no need to have an ultrasound/blood test to at 13 weeks, we are sticking with just 1, the morphology scan which may give us information as to whether to seek assistance for the birth or coninue with our plans to freebirth. There is no test in the world that can tell us for certain if our baby is going to be healthy or not prior to birth, it's our faith in nature that is telling is our baby will grow fine and be a healthy baby. I have complete faith, so I do this without fear.

Peace, Love and Light xo

Oops, I made a mistake.

Yesterday I started looking at my charts again, seems I made a mistake. Oops. I don't know why but I was assuming my cycle average was shorter than it actually was.
A few days off means I have been testing WAY too early. Disappointing myself for no reason.

It's quite depressing thinking it's the time when you 'should' get a positive but don't, I kept telling myself, maybe tomorrow I'll get a positive

I still have a week before I might know.

I'm feeling a bit odd still, pregnant feelings. This morning my coffee smelled like dirt and mouldy food, still tasted like coffee but not the same. I have a stuffy nose which may be contributing to inhibited smelling ability. I have achy breasts and am EXHAUSTED, but I have been waking almost exactly 5:30am every morning for the past week or so, and DS is nursing more very early morning due to a cold and teething, so it's hard to tell with broken sleep. 

Just a few more days....

Hopefully.

Peace, Love and Light.

Jumped the gun a bit.. make it a 3 week wait.

4th June. I think I jumped the gun and tested way too soon.

I have done yet another test, again it was negative. I'm thinking I was supposed to have another long cycle, I having many early pregnancy signs (as previously mentioned) so I am guessing I've tested WAY too soon. DF thinks so too, he says I'm more emotionally like I was in early pregnancy with both kids. He says he has this 'feeling' I am pregnant and expects to see a positive test instead of AF.

Assuming I concieved between the 21st and 23rd, implantiation might not (probaby didn't) have occured not 8 days like I assumed but later than that. I am currently approximately (at most) 15 DPO, if implantation occured even 10 or 12 days after conception I still have a few days at least before HCG levels would be high enough to read on a test. I remember doing an early test with my DD when I had long cycles (up to 45 days, after giving birth they went to 31 days and stayed that way until last month) and I got faint lines a few days before AF was due. AF, assuming a 35 day cycle, I still have a week before AF is due.

So, highly possible I am indeed pregnant, and just a bit early to tell. I am waiting until Wednesday to do another test. Then another Friday if negative. Rather than the 2 week wait, it's a 3 week wait. Curse these long cycles :P This would drag on so much less if I didn't occasionally get a long cycle, I would know by now...

Having early pregnancy symptoms, to be honest, makes me wonder if it's all in my head or it's tied to my cycles rather than pregnancy, and when I do get pregnant it'll be completely different. My nipples are still sensitive, my cervix is very high, closed and softer than usual, I'm getting sligh nausea and I am completely and utterly exhausted. Emotionally I'm all over the place, crying one minute, angry the next and then dileriously happy another.

Crazy emotions are certainly not unusual, I did suffer severe PND after my first, not quite so bad second time aorund, so having moods all over the place is something I am very familliar with. I found out I was pregnant with DS when I was 7.5 weeks along, I was 10 days late and because PND was really bad at the time I thought I was losing my mind when suddenly I felt worse. Turned out the extra emotional-ness (I'm creating a word, I know) was due to being pregnant. I'm not depressed anymore, it took several years, many different medications and then deciding to stop the meds and move interstate to finally find peace. I'm not completely 'normal' I still have bad days, just now I can look back and say 'Oh wow, I was in a really dark place back then, I feel like I'm awake now" Anybody who suffers depression, I want you to know that recovery DOES happen, just not fast or usually the way you would expect it to. I thought the medication was going to help, it didn't, moving away and having a new lifestyle has made a huge difference. People living with those with depression, be there for them, wait patiently for recovery, they NEED you right now, to be their undying support.

Now that I am 'better', I am noticing my emotions more now, part of me fears I'm going back to that place, another part of me is certain I am pregnant and I'm not going crazy.


So, now I wait, while I feel these crazy emotions slowly take over me, while I hope I have succeeded in creating a new life.



Peace, Love and Light.

Choosing an unassisted pregnancy.

The more and more I think about going unassisted for my birth, I think about also going unassisted for my pregnancy.

I am so very strongly drawn to it, it's like a burning desire I can't ignore.

So, when I get pregnant, I'm not seeking out a prenatal carer. Previously, I believed I would need prenatal care through a midwife and desperately searched for hours for a midwife. Alas, there are none within a 3 hour radius of here. Since I already decided to freebirth, I felt it was unecesssary to hire a midwife to do things I can do myself.

I can check fundal height and accurately determine the position of my baby - my last midwife taught me how during my last pregnancy. Each prenatal appointment felt more like I was being taught the tools of the trade rather than being tested or checked. I am buying a doppler not only to use in labour but in pregnancy, I am aware of my blood type and when it is neccessary for me to get the Anti-D shot. I am O negative, where my blood is incompatible with a positive blood and can cause serious issues for future pregnancies (not that I plan any more, but there is always the possibility I'll want another) if my blood were to mix with positive blood. The Anti-D injection is supposed to last 12 weeks and must be given within 72 hours of birth where blood may have mixed. I know it doesn't have to be given immediately, my baby's blood type can be checked because, like my last birth, my child may be negative also making the needle unecessary.

Having been pregnant twice already, I already have an idea of what is normal for me, anything abnormal will of course be checked out.My birth geekiness has helped me learn how to get in tune with my body and learn what is normal.

Getting my pregnancy confirmed by a GP is the first step once I get that BFP (whenever that happens) and then I will begin my own prenatal care. Since making my decision, I feel more at peace, and am now looking forward to being pregnant more than I have in the past.

As a side note, since I used the Fertility Awareness Method to avoid pregnancy, and then to try and concieve. I've noticed a few changes.  I am waiting for the 4th to do another pregnancy test, I've done a few because I wasn't entirely sure when I might have concieved, and they were all negative. I guess between the 21st and the 23rd, implantation may have been from the 29th to the 31st. I have been having a few 'early pregnancy' symptoms, as of the 29th I began peeing more often, feeling crampy, had heartburn, slight nausea and tender breasts. My cervix is completely different to normal today, high, soft and closed, everything feels swollen and looks a bit darker than normal, where normally it would be low, medium, firmness and open, ready for menustration. The 4th will be day 32, on average I have 31 day cycles except for last cycle which was 44 days but stress and the supermoon played a role in the delay (my cycles seem to coincide with the full moon). I can't wait to finally know for certain.

I'm hoping my next entry will be a 'Yay, I'm pregnant', I'm trying not to get my hopes up, just in case.

Thanks for reading my blog :)

Peace, Love and Light