I haven't written anything for quite a while because so much has been going on...
Firstly, I am now 32+4 and baby is growing beautifully, my pregnancy has gone quite smoothly considering.
So what has been happening since my last update at something like 15 weeks? I'll be writing as things come to me.. after all this is just a public diary of sorts... this will get long....
I have already mentioned I have Crohn's disease, and had a major flare not long after the birth of baby R. As a result of that flare I ended up in and out of hospital. I lost an extreme amount of weight (I was around 70kg and was 50kg by the end) I lost muscle and I was severely depressed and traumatised from the complete lack of control over what was going on with my body and medical interventions. I was officially 'in remission' as of December but I still had some ulceration in June, then one of my medications dosage was increased.
I was on remicade/infliximab infusions bi-monthly and that was what kept me well. For a while.
A few months after starting the infusions I started getting some pain in some joints, beginning with my hands and wrists. I conceived some time in early June (according to my ultrasound), and I was terrified of being pregnant so soon after being unwell...
Slowly over a few months the joint pain got worse and included not only my hands but my knees, elbows, feet, jaw... literally every joint in my body. At 10 weeks I started getting inflammation elsewhere, pleurisy of all things even though I had not had any kind of respiratory illness but nobody could tell me what was going on.... my GI said it could be just another 'wonderful' part of my disease...
At 12 weeks I had enough, I was unable to move so I begged my doctor for a referral to someone could help me and he referred me to the rheumatologists. He did and also prescribed sulfasalazine which he thought may help with the joint pain.
I finally got to see the rheumatologists when I was 15 weeks, they weren't sure what was going on but suspected either rheumatoid arthritis or drug induced lupus... I had so many blood tests it was ridiculous. I was seeing my GI every month and my appointments with the rheumatologists were 2 weeks apart. We needed to know what was going on because as my pregnancy progressed, my joints were loosening and the pain was unbearable.
I was then referred to the immunologists, thinking it was most likely to be drug induced lupus since the symptoms started not too long after I began the infusions. I was also getting a rash every time I was exposed to sunlight and my fingers would turn purple at the tips when I got cold. Common lupus symptoms. I was prescribed a lupus/anti-malarial drug called Plaquenil... I was wary of going on yet another drug especially when this one was not usually recommended for pregnancy (but not unsafe) but I had no other choice... I was losing my mind and suffering greatly. Steroids weren't yet an option because we needed to see what my bloods were doing.
When my bloods came back it was confirmed I had drug induced lupus and needed to stop the remicade infusions, I had very high levels of antibodies and it was destroying my joints and the pleurisy was so bad that sometimes I couldn't breathe properly. I, then, had to discuss with my GI what to do next... We decided the next option was another biologic/anti-TNF blocker, Humira injections. This drug isn't made with mouse and human proteins like remicade, only human so it's possible I won't have a reaction to that.
I had my morphology ultrasound at 20 weeks where we found out we are expecting another boy, much to my surprise because I was absolutely convinced I was having a girl. I did grieve for a bit, knowing that my daughter badly wanted a baby sister... however he was perfect! I had worried so much that I wouldn't be able to grow a healthy baby. My darling daughter is now ok with not getting a sister, i will probably go a little overboard with the girly things she likes because of it... she loves glitter, fairies and ponies as well as trucks, dirt and the stereotypical 'boy things'... we are a gender neutral house, they like what they like and we do not stop them from being kids.
At 22 weeks I saw the rheumatologist again and FINALLY I was given a steroid shot (depo-medrol, it is a slow release version so I wouldn't have to take the pills which do not agree with me) to stop the inflammation and give me some desperately needed relief. It was becoming obvious that 2 weeks after my infusions I would flare up, worse each time, and a few days before I was due for the infusion the symptoms would ease. The shot made a huge difference to the joint pain I was experiencing at the time, I could walk at night and use my hands again
So the infusion I would have had early December, I didn't have. I also, did not have the lupus flare up badly again! On Christmas day I was out in the sun for a little while earlier in the day and before lunch time my joints mildly flared but the worst was the pleurisy.. I spent the entire day and that night struggling to breathe... it got to the point where S was worried.. I got a bit pale from breathing so shallowly... but I was getting just enough oxygen... only just... lying on the painful side was the only thing to give relief because my lung wouldn't scape so much against the inflammation.
At 29 weeks I had another ultrasound to monitor baby's growth, I had a low PAPP-A result early in my pregnancy and with Crohn's we wanted to make sure his growth was not being restricted. He certainly was not suffering in the slightest! 60th percentile and some parts were measuring around 35 weeks (his tubby little tummy) I know measurements are off/inaccurate but this was very reassuring. It also shut the OB up about growth restriction because my previous fundal height measurement was 2 weeks small... I didn't get worried because I had actually measured myself the same day and got a completely different measurement.. to me, he was spot on. In fact, the numbers (both around and fundus) were the same as baby R at exactly the same gestation. Part of me wonders if the Dr wasn't feeling properly or if he was trying to get a small measurement on purpose.. I never met him before and he said a few times how 'strong and healthy' I looked for someone with crohn's although he had only seen a few people over the years with it... he really lacked any knowledge on Crohn's...
At this point the doctors wanted to see me every fortnight. Much to my displeasure. I was really sick of seeing doctors all the time... I was feeling like a sick person and not a pregnant mother... my mental health really started to suffer... I started losing myself and wanted to sleep every moment my partner was home from work.
I saw the OB (yet another one, but he was much younger and had a better bedside manner) when I was 30 weeks, I told him it was certain I was going on Humira, I gave him the letter my GI wrote for them and then he started going on about needing to start going to the big hospital because the small local one I was at didn't have the technology to deal with complications very well and we would be immediately transferred if I was already at the local one... he spoke to the head OB which was the one saw at my first OB visit and I really didn't like him.. he agreed a transfer of my care was necessary they were afraid of the unknown...I said how on earth am I going to get all the way to the city in time because I labour fast, and once again induction at 39 weeks came up... I told him I don't like the idea of induction due to the very small but unacceptable risk of infection, especially when it's not fair that the reason is because the hospital is ill-equipped to deal with such issues (I'm calling BS because they do caesareans and ALL hospitals have to have something to deal with such issues.. otherwise why on earth are they having women go there to give birth??!?)... surprisingly his answer was 'then it would be better off if baby was born before going to the hospital'... I couldn't believe it, was he really saying to me to have baby at home???? He was aware I have had 2 unassisted births and knew what I was doing...
He said he would organise the transfer of my care, saying 'I hope to see you there' because he was transferring to that same hospital in February... but now that I am 32+4 and STILL haven't heard from the hospital (and honestly I haven't wanted to chase them when there is no need) Ireally don't feel it is necessary to travel over an hour for a 5-10 minute appointment where I can do all the same things myself at home... it has already been well established that my pregnancy and I are doing fine, my baby is growing beautifully...
So, where am I at now... I discussed with my GI last week what risks are there really with my Humira (which I started on the 2nd and I self inject every fortnight) and he said my baby is NOT at risk of complications (like breathing difficulties) as a result. I will be skipping the last shot prior to my due date so baby has less of the drug in his system but that's so we aren't quite as immune compromised. I do not have to worry like the OBs are, in fact he said they are acting on information that is 50 years old!! He couldn't believe it when I told him they were transferring my care to another hospital....
Humira is fine, and I am even encouraged to breastfeed as long as I want to while on it. My GI said if baby was born at home it is unlikely he would have issues, it is only really if we get an infection or if I tear badly I am at risk of developing fistulas/ abscesses...I am not expecting a severe tear...and if I tear I will obviously expect to be stitched up adequately.
So, with that information and listening to my instincts, I am not going to continue antenatal care at the city hospital, I'll probably go once or twice more at my local one (I will be calling them to let them know of my plan) or just go it unassisted again and call them if anything unusual pops up. I will be having baby at home with my mum and S present. I am so done with it all and it has severely affected my mental health, I have never been so depressed during pregnancy before... So far all the fear they have put on me has been without any actual evidence but due to their own ignorance... too bad for me if I was to go through with an induction when he's not ready and end up with a caesarean for failure to progress/infection... the potential complications are huge! Definitely not something I feel is acceptable to risk.
So that's is all my musings and an update for now.. I am hoping this pregnancy is more enjoyable now that I am backing away a bit... I have hated being pregnant so far as much as I despise saying that.. this is definitely my last baby (planning a tubal ligation) and I want it to be a positive experience... IF the universe decides I'm not to have a perfect pregnancy and birth from this point on, I am ok with that...I will do what I need to so that my baby is born healthy and thriving...
Namaste xo
Showing posts with label Freebirth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Freebirth. Show all posts
Wednesday, 21 January 2015
Friday, 11 January 2013
35 weeks 5 days
It's official, I have just one month left until my due date. I'm starting to get nervous which is an absolute first for me, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that this is my first planned freebirth and I'm all too aware of the complications that could arise, even though I also know the likelihood of them actually happening are minimal.
I worry about severe tearing, not that I've had severe tearing with either of my kids, I was lucky I only had a 2nd degree tear with my second, a precipitous birth. I'm not entirely sure why it plays on my mind, I think mostly it's because bub is staying posterior most of the time and I know that increases the risk of tearing. I am having a waterbirth (assuming there's time and I feel like being in the water at the time) so tearing badly is not really that likely. I really want to avoid the hospital, it's not an environment I want to bring my newborn into if I can help it.
I worry about excessive bleeding, with precispitous births there's a higher chance of post partum haemorrhage, I barely bled after DS's birth which was a precipitous birth but I guess I'm going to be wondering if it will happen this time just becuse I know know it can happen. I have Shepherd's Purse tea on hand which will be made up and put in the fridge, if I begin to bleed a bit much there's no fussing around, it's already there ready to drink, I will also of course consume some placenta... as much as taking it raw really gives me the heebee jeebees. I do wonder if the increased risk includes induced birth or not, I'm guessing truly natural precipitous births don't happen often enough to get enough data to say for sure, including a physiological 3rd stage and baby being placed on the mother immediately.
I have dreams where he doesn't breathe like he should and I see myself sucking out the fluid and helping him breathe, he always pinks up and cries heartily but it scares me to dream it. I think my subconscious is reminding me that I do know what to do in certain situations, that I need not worry. I often dream he has a nuchal cord and I have to slip it over his head, always with ease. Other times he is born in the caul. Most often though, I dream his birth is very, very quick, I'll be out somewhere and suddenly labour starts and then all of a sudden I'm pushing with a whole lot of people around me.
I guess what I fear most, is having my privacy taken away from me.
We have a few things to prepare for before I feel comfortable giving birth, at the moment we're waiting for the go ahead to move. Where we are now is sending us broke and it is putting me under a lot of stress. Last time we moved when I was pregnant it was extremely stressful, I had hoped to avoid that but nope.. not going to happen it seems. I fear that stress is going to send me into labour and not the completion of my unborn son's lung development.
I have to still get something to weigh him with and I have to find something to tie off the cord with. I have to get the capsules for my encapsulated placenta but we have everything else.
Symptom-wise for this week, he's been moving a lot and hiccuping several times a day which is soooo cute. I'm still feeling rather tired and insomnia has kicked in big time. My hips are hurting a fair bit now, when I get out of bed I hear them crunch. Breastfeeding has become really uncomfortable, getting into a position that works is harder these days and my breasts have become sensitive again. It's on and off so I hope it goes away again. I'm so glad I stuck with it though, there have been times where only boobie is going to help him sleep or calm down. Also, there are some really sweet moments where I melt into a puddle of mum-goo, I wish I had this with my DD...Or that I remember them but because I had severe PND and PTSD I don't remember all that much of my daughter's first 2 years, and it breaks my heart.
I'm hungry a lot of the time, I eat to the point I feel like I'm going to explode even though it's not a huge amount of food and unfortunately due to pregnancy it takes longer to digest that food so I have to wait, making me ravenous by the time I feel comfortable to stuff my face again. I'm finding it difficult to drink enough water, I don't know how to explain it but it really takes some effort to drink what is needed. I'm never thirsty, which makes it more difficult to work out how much I need, I have always drank to thirst but it seems that's not enough because I don't pee enough and it's the wrong colour when I do...
I'm currently reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, I seriously love that woman! The more things I read where birth is spoken of as a normal thing, the less anxiety I have, when I make the mistake of watching a youtube video of a highly medicalised birth.. I stress just a bit, because that's how birth is seen for the rest of the population.. lying on a bed with monitors strapped to them , IV in the arm usually with Pit flowing, legs in stirrups while a doctor or nurse counts to ten as they purple push...it's seen as totally normal, but it's not.. it's actually really frightening to someone like me who has only ever experienced a normal physiological birth and the only time I was on the bed during my DD's birth was when my waters were broken and I discovered I was 9cm with a lip and then when I pushed on my hands and knees where the only noises were of me grunting and my mum, midiwfe and partner telling me I'm doing a great job.
I do get all teary when mum and dad meet their baby, regardless of whether it is a cesarean or not, whether it was a medicalised birth or not. Because those moments are always beautiful.
I can't wait to meet my son, the final addition to our family. I'm excited for the birth even though I feel some anxiety. I know it will hurt, but it is so, so worth it.
Until next time,
Peace, Love and Light, and thank you for following my journey :)
I worry about severe tearing, not that I've had severe tearing with either of my kids, I was lucky I only had a 2nd degree tear with my second, a precipitous birth. I'm not entirely sure why it plays on my mind, I think mostly it's because bub is staying posterior most of the time and I know that increases the risk of tearing. I am having a waterbirth (assuming there's time and I feel like being in the water at the time) so tearing badly is not really that likely. I really want to avoid the hospital, it's not an environment I want to bring my newborn into if I can help it.
I worry about excessive bleeding, with precispitous births there's a higher chance of post partum haemorrhage, I barely bled after DS's birth which was a precipitous birth but I guess I'm going to be wondering if it will happen this time just becuse I know know it can happen. I have Shepherd's Purse tea on hand which will be made up and put in the fridge, if I begin to bleed a bit much there's no fussing around, it's already there ready to drink, I will also of course consume some placenta... as much as taking it raw really gives me the heebee jeebees. I do wonder if the increased risk includes induced birth or not, I'm guessing truly natural precipitous births don't happen often enough to get enough data to say for sure, including a physiological 3rd stage and baby being placed on the mother immediately.
I have dreams where he doesn't breathe like he should and I see myself sucking out the fluid and helping him breathe, he always pinks up and cries heartily but it scares me to dream it. I think my subconscious is reminding me that I do know what to do in certain situations, that I need not worry. I often dream he has a nuchal cord and I have to slip it over his head, always with ease. Other times he is born in the caul. Most often though, I dream his birth is very, very quick, I'll be out somewhere and suddenly labour starts and then all of a sudden I'm pushing with a whole lot of people around me.
I guess what I fear most, is having my privacy taken away from me.
We have a few things to prepare for before I feel comfortable giving birth, at the moment we're waiting for the go ahead to move. Where we are now is sending us broke and it is putting me under a lot of stress. Last time we moved when I was pregnant it was extremely stressful, I had hoped to avoid that but nope.. not going to happen it seems. I fear that stress is going to send me into labour and not the completion of my unborn son's lung development.
I have to still get something to weigh him with and I have to find something to tie off the cord with. I have to get the capsules for my encapsulated placenta but we have everything else.
Symptom-wise for this week, he's been moving a lot and hiccuping several times a day which is soooo cute. I'm still feeling rather tired and insomnia has kicked in big time. My hips are hurting a fair bit now, when I get out of bed I hear them crunch. Breastfeeding has become really uncomfortable, getting into a position that works is harder these days and my breasts have become sensitive again. It's on and off so I hope it goes away again. I'm so glad I stuck with it though, there have been times where only boobie is going to help him sleep or calm down. Also, there are some really sweet moments where I melt into a puddle of mum-goo, I wish I had this with my DD...Or that I remember them but because I had severe PND and PTSD I don't remember all that much of my daughter's first 2 years, and it breaks my heart.
I'm hungry a lot of the time, I eat to the point I feel like I'm going to explode even though it's not a huge amount of food and unfortunately due to pregnancy it takes longer to digest that food so I have to wait, making me ravenous by the time I feel comfortable to stuff my face again. I'm finding it difficult to drink enough water, I don't know how to explain it but it really takes some effort to drink what is needed. I'm never thirsty, which makes it more difficult to work out how much I need, I have always drank to thirst but it seems that's not enough because I don't pee enough and it's the wrong colour when I do...
I'm currently reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, I seriously love that woman! The more things I read where birth is spoken of as a normal thing, the less anxiety I have, when I make the mistake of watching a youtube video of a highly medicalised birth.. I stress just a bit, because that's how birth is seen for the rest of the population.. lying on a bed with monitors strapped to them , IV in the arm usually with Pit flowing, legs in stirrups while a doctor or nurse counts to ten as they purple push...it's seen as totally normal, but it's not.. it's actually really frightening to someone like me who has only ever experienced a normal physiological birth and the only time I was on the bed during my DD's birth was when my waters were broken and I discovered I was 9cm with a lip and then when I pushed on my hands and knees where the only noises were of me grunting and my mum, midiwfe and partner telling me I'm doing a great job.
I do get all teary when mum and dad meet their baby, regardless of whether it is a cesarean or not, whether it was a medicalised birth or not. Because those moments are always beautiful.
I can't wait to meet my son, the final addition to our family. I'm excited for the birth even though I feel some anxiety. I know it will hurt, but it is so, so worth it.
Until next time,
Peace, Love and Light, and thank you for following my journey :)
Saturday, 22 September 2012
19 weeks 6 days, Update, Pregnancy dreams, thoughts on birth.
Just one more day and I'm halfway! Also, I have my ultrasound this coming Thursday.
I have a strong feeling baby is a girl, I'm going to be surprised it it isn't.
I had a dream on the 25th, where I was 'told' the sex of the baby. In my dream, my fiance was going to bake a cake to reveal the sex following the ultrasound. I was in the kitchen where he was going to make it, and he had written the sex on a blackboard and then covered it with paper so I couldn't see. When I walked past the blackboard, as I was leaving, the paper fell revealing the sex. Girl, it said. Plain as day.
I have since found it difficult to refer to baby as anything but a little girl, but until the ultrasound I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment. If baby is a boy, yes, I will be thrilled, but I can't say I won't feel a little disappointed.. only because I am so 'sure'.
I had dreams with my other 2, my first was the most vivid, and memorable. I was in a forest, talking to a little girl, around 7 or 8 years old. She had long, straight dark blonde hair and she had blue eyes. I was telling her about the trees, and how when the tree is cut you count the rings to see how old it was. I was between 9 and 15 weeks pregnant at the time, if I had to guess I would have said girl.
Fast forward to 37 weeks and 5 days, I give birth. My baby girl, a little blonde, blue eyed beauty. Fast forward again, she's 3.5, her hair, eyes are exactly the same as the girl in my dream.
I do believe dreams can tell us things, I do not know if it is my own inner knowledge or baby connecting with me to tell me though.
I didn't have quite as vivid dreams with DS. I just knew he was a boy, even well before conception. Almost like he chose me, and my heart knew to look forward to him joining me in this life. The night before the ultrasound that told us without a doubt, baby was a boy, I was second guessing my own intuituion. That night, I dreamed of my baby boy. I couldn't see his face, unlike with my DD, but I had no doubt he was a boy after that.
Now, I think you can understand why I have faith in my dreams. They aren't always wrong, especially when it comes to baby's sex.
We'll just have to wait until Thursday so see if once again, I was right.
And now onto my pregnancy update!
As I mentioned, I'm nearly halfway. I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going!
I am still suffering from morning sickness (or hypermesis...) today, I have been sick all morning. It is draining beyond belief. I hope I get some relief soon.
I am gaining weight, slowly, and my belly is big and round. It is very obvious now that I am pregnant. We were out shopping and one of my partner's friends who we haven't seen in a while spotted us, the first thing out his mouth was 'You're pregnant!' hahaha ;) I thought it was awesome, since I can't see what others can, it's nice not to worry if I just look fat.
DS and I are still nursing, I have next to no milk left, I think it is mostly colostrum now, but it changes throughout the day so I can't be certain. After DS nurses to sleep, I will have thin white milk but after a while it will thicken and go a more yellow colour. He's happy to keep nursing, but I hope he weans before I get too much further along. DS turned 17 months on the 17th, this the longest I have nursed, as DD weaned shortly before she turned 17 months. When we get to 18 months, I will have reached the goal I had so hoped to reach with DD, then, I think I won't feel guilty if he weans.
Emotionally, I feel all over the place.
A few of my friends have had babies in the past couple of weeks. I couldn't help but feel heartbroken for one who went in for an induction at 41 weeks, which turned into a cesarean. I don't know how she feels about it, and I don't think she is ready to speak about it. I hope she never feels like she failed.
Another friend had a baby this week, she had a difficult labour with her first, second time around active labour was 2.5 hours. She is thrilled to say the least, because she went drug-free, like she wanted.
I look to other people's birthing experiences, to learn to support them. I can't know the right things to say when I haven't been there and experienced it myself. I worry, all the time, that I will say the wrong thing. When a friend has a great experience, I share their joy, because I have felt it. When a friend shares their difficult/painful/traumatic experience, all I can do is give them a hug, and validate their feelings. I tell them, it's ok to feel like this, it's your experience and nobody has the right to tell you it didn't matter, as long as baby was healthy. It's ok to grieve for that birth you dreamed of, it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel it.
One of my best friends had a very traumatic birth, enough that she is not having any more babies because of it. I was lost, I didn't know what to say to her, so I just let her talk. Afterwards, we had a stronger friendship, and I could see a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. I can see, how important it is, to let a woman grieve for the birth she wanted, and to feel whatever she feels about the birth she did have, and be allowed to share her feelings without any judgement. Because of that friend, I felt it was my mission in life to help, in any way I could, to either be there to prevent it from becoming traumatic or to be there when she needs an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.
I realised, more than ever, Birth Matters.
Speaking with my fiance, about my feelings about our upcoming freebirth, it got me thinking. I am doing something that is far from accepted, and far from what is normal. It makes people uncomfortable, but why? Why does it frighten people who don't even know me, enough to tell me I'm doing something dangerous, stupid and selfish. Is it their own experiences or is it just because society has been led to believe birth is dangerous. What is it exactly, that scares people about birth the most? And why is it, when you aren't afraid, they think there is something wrong with you.
I have never felt more secure with my decision to freebirth, as you know from reading my blog, we planned to freebirth even before conception. Now that I'm pregnant, it's real, not something we're just discussing. The knowledge that we're doing it alone, is exciting, it's empowering. The only thing I feel we need a professional for, is to do the newborn health check in the days after the birth... something I am not trained in doing, I'd rather leave that to a midwife.
I had no idea my mother in law knew about our freebirth plans, DF told me last night she knows and she has complete faith in us. I'm completely blown away. It's one thing to be totally cool with us not vaccinating, but to be totally supportive of a freebirth is amazing. I know if she could be there, she would be, holding my hand as I ride the waves. She is coming up, after the birth, I get the feeling she knows we need our space before the birth. Also, she's not worried about us, so she feels there is no need to be there. She does not see birth as an emergency, and I am greatful.
Hmm... I've run out of things to write about right now. I tend to write what I am thinking. I will eventually get to part 2 of my breastfeeding experience with my DD. It was a traumatic event that happened which I plan to write about, but as of yet, I'm not quite ready. I am still trying to organise my thoughts on that. I still hold a lot of anger. I will update on thursday after the ultrasound, and if I manage, I hope to attend the Freedom for Birth screening which is happening locally that same night. If I do go, I will write a review :) I will also start sharing belly photos, I've learned how to use our new camera with the tripod so I can take decent ones haha.
Until next time. Peace, Love and Light xo
I have a strong feeling baby is a girl, I'm going to be surprised it it isn't.
I had a dream on the 25th, where I was 'told' the sex of the baby. In my dream, my fiance was going to bake a cake to reveal the sex following the ultrasound. I was in the kitchen where he was going to make it, and he had written the sex on a blackboard and then covered it with paper so I couldn't see. When I walked past the blackboard, as I was leaving, the paper fell revealing the sex. Girl, it said. Plain as day.
I have since found it difficult to refer to baby as anything but a little girl, but until the ultrasound I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment. If baby is a boy, yes, I will be thrilled, but I can't say I won't feel a little disappointed.. only because I am so 'sure'.
I had dreams with my other 2, my first was the most vivid, and memorable. I was in a forest, talking to a little girl, around 7 or 8 years old. She had long, straight dark blonde hair and she had blue eyes. I was telling her about the trees, and how when the tree is cut you count the rings to see how old it was. I was between 9 and 15 weeks pregnant at the time, if I had to guess I would have said girl.
Fast forward to 37 weeks and 5 days, I give birth. My baby girl, a little blonde, blue eyed beauty. Fast forward again, she's 3.5, her hair, eyes are exactly the same as the girl in my dream.
I do believe dreams can tell us things, I do not know if it is my own inner knowledge or baby connecting with me to tell me though.
I didn't have quite as vivid dreams with DS. I just knew he was a boy, even well before conception. Almost like he chose me, and my heart knew to look forward to him joining me in this life. The night before the ultrasound that told us without a doubt, baby was a boy, I was second guessing my own intuituion. That night, I dreamed of my baby boy. I couldn't see his face, unlike with my DD, but I had no doubt he was a boy after that.
Now, I think you can understand why I have faith in my dreams. They aren't always wrong, especially when it comes to baby's sex.
We'll just have to wait until Thursday so see if once again, I was right.
And now onto my pregnancy update!
As I mentioned, I'm nearly halfway. I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going!
I am still suffering from morning sickness (or hypermesis...) today, I have been sick all morning. It is draining beyond belief. I hope I get some relief soon.
I am gaining weight, slowly, and my belly is big and round. It is very obvious now that I am pregnant. We were out shopping and one of my partner's friends who we haven't seen in a while spotted us, the first thing out his mouth was 'You're pregnant!' hahaha ;) I thought it was awesome, since I can't see what others can, it's nice not to worry if I just look fat.
DS and I are still nursing, I have next to no milk left, I think it is mostly colostrum now, but it changes throughout the day so I can't be certain. After DS nurses to sleep, I will have thin white milk but after a while it will thicken and go a more yellow colour. He's happy to keep nursing, but I hope he weans before I get too much further along. DS turned 17 months on the 17th, this the longest I have nursed, as DD weaned shortly before she turned 17 months. When we get to 18 months, I will have reached the goal I had so hoped to reach with DD, then, I think I won't feel guilty if he weans.
Emotionally, I feel all over the place.
A few of my friends have had babies in the past couple of weeks. I couldn't help but feel heartbroken for one who went in for an induction at 41 weeks, which turned into a cesarean. I don't know how she feels about it, and I don't think she is ready to speak about it. I hope she never feels like she failed.
Another friend had a baby this week, she had a difficult labour with her first, second time around active labour was 2.5 hours. She is thrilled to say the least, because she went drug-free, like she wanted.
I look to other people's birthing experiences, to learn to support them. I can't know the right things to say when I haven't been there and experienced it myself. I worry, all the time, that I will say the wrong thing. When a friend has a great experience, I share their joy, because I have felt it. When a friend shares their difficult/painful/traumatic experience, all I can do is give them a hug, and validate their feelings. I tell them, it's ok to feel like this, it's your experience and nobody has the right to tell you it didn't matter, as long as baby was healthy. It's ok to grieve for that birth you dreamed of, it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel it.
One of my best friends had a very traumatic birth, enough that she is not having any more babies because of it. I was lost, I didn't know what to say to her, so I just let her talk. Afterwards, we had a stronger friendship, and I could see a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. I can see, how important it is, to let a woman grieve for the birth she wanted, and to feel whatever she feels about the birth she did have, and be allowed to share her feelings without any judgement. Because of that friend, I felt it was my mission in life to help, in any way I could, to either be there to prevent it from becoming traumatic or to be there when she needs an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.
I realised, more than ever, Birth Matters.
Speaking with my fiance, about my feelings about our upcoming freebirth, it got me thinking. I am doing something that is far from accepted, and far from what is normal. It makes people uncomfortable, but why? Why does it frighten people who don't even know me, enough to tell me I'm doing something dangerous, stupid and selfish. Is it their own experiences or is it just because society has been led to believe birth is dangerous. What is it exactly, that scares people about birth the most? And why is it, when you aren't afraid, they think there is something wrong with you.
I have never felt more secure with my decision to freebirth, as you know from reading my blog, we planned to freebirth even before conception. Now that I'm pregnant, it's real, not something we're just discussing. The knowledge that we're doing it alone, is exciting, it's empowering. The only thing I feel we need a professional for, is to do the newborn health check in the days after the birth... something I am not trained in doing, I'd rather leave that to a midwife.
I had no idea my mother in law knew about our freebirth plans, DF told me last night she knows and she has complete faith in us. I'm completely blown away. It's one thing to be totally cool with us not vaccinating, but to be totally supportive of a freebirth is amazing. I know if she could be there, she would be, holding my hand as I ride the waves. She is coming up, after the birth, I get the feeling she knows we need our space before the birth. Also, she's not worried about us, so she feels there is no need to be there. She does not see birth as an emergency, and I am greatful.
Hmm... I've run out of things to write about right now. I tend to write what I am thinking. I will eventually get to part 2 of my breastfeeding experience with my DD. It was a traumatic event that happened which I plan to write about, but as of yet, I'm not quite ready. I am still trying to organise my thoughts on that. I still hold a lot of anger. I will update on thursday after the ultrasound, and if I manage, I hope to attend the Freedom for Birth screening which is happening locally that same night. If I do go, I will write a review :) I will also start sharing belly photos, I've learned how to use our new camera with the tripod so I can take decent ones haha.
Until next time. Peace, Love and Light xo
Saturday, 1 September 2012
16 weeks 5 days
I'm 16 weeks and 5 days today. It's going pretty fast, maybe too fast. Soon I'll be halfway, or over half way if I birth before my 'EDD'.
I've started taking iron supplements, I'm not feeling quite as exhausted now. I actually feel pretty good. I've still got morning sickness, but it is getting so much better.
My belly is growing fast, I can feel a lot of stretching going on. It can get pretty painful, my skin is feeling quite tight too so I got some coconut oil and so far it's helping a lot. In fact, my skin has never felt so good. I usually have really dry skin, even though I live in the tropics. Now, my skin feels healthy, it's so weird! I love it. Now that my belly is getting bigger it is getting harder to do some things. My uterus is reaching my navel now, I can't wait until I can feel the kicks stronger. At the moment, I hardly feel a thing, a flutter here and there but nothing I notice too much.
I am still yet to book the ultrasound. I really need to get my butt into gear, I know I have no reason to believe there is a problem, but just in case. It's the only intervention I do agree with really, but I don't know what the statistics say about improving outcomes.
I'm still nursing, some days it's hard, some days it's easy. I'm taking each day as it comes. If DS nurses less during a day I feel sad at the though of him weaning already. Lucky for me he's not ready. I won't force him. I'm opening my mind up to tandem nursing, but I'll only do it with support from my partner, and he's not comfortable with it enough to support me, he's desperate for DS to wean as it is. He's not going to make me feel bad for not though, he is encouraging me to offer other things instead of a nurse though, at the moment DS nurses mainly to have a nap and during the night for comfort, so he's realised at the moment it's better to just let me nurse DS.
I watched a birth video the other day that had me a bit freaked out, honestly. It was one of the British TV shows called Home Birth Diaries. In one of the episodes,This on where the baby went into distress, baby was was born floppy and needed resuscitation. It was eye opening seeing it happen, and see the midwives work. It was good to see the skills used and to see how it is supposed to work. We're still doing a refresher course for our Senior First Aid though.
I am excited about the birth, I can't wait to see what my little baby looks like. Both my kids looked totally different, DD was blonde and had fuzzy straight hair and tiny, DS was chunky (he had fat rolls everywhere) and had black curly hair. It's impossible to imagine what my baby will look like. I'm expecting a chunky baby though, I know that at least, I am quite healthy like I was when I was pregnant with DS. I don't think too much about what labour will be like, mainly because I know it will probably be nothing like it. There's no point trying to guess what labour will be like, it works in mysterious ways ;)
DD is excited about having a new baby brother or sister, she likes to touch my belly and talk to baby. I wonder what is going through her mind when she does that... DS has no idea or ability to comprehend me being pregnant, he just knows mummy's milk is starting to change, and there isn't as much but he still gets boobie when he's tired and wants to sleep. He gets jealous when DD and I cuddle, sometimes I worry about how he will be with the new baby. He will still be relatively young, only 22 months... but I do remember DD was very different to how she was at 16 months as to 22 months. He's still got a lot of developing to do in a short time. I keep forgetting sometimes how much kids learn in such short spaces of time.
Well, that's it for now. Hopefully I'll be able to update more often. It's quite relaxing to write, I really only get the time when the kids are asleep and my partner is at work though, this is alone time for me :)
Peace, Love & Light xo
I've started taking iron supplements, I'm not feeling quite as exhausted now. I actually feel pretty good. I've still got morning sickness, but it is getting so much better.
My belly is growing fast, I can feel a lot of stretching going on. It can get pretty painful, my skin is feeling quite tight too so I got some coconut oil and so far it's helping a lot. In fact, my skin has never felt so good. I usually have really dry skin, even though I live in the tropics. Now, my skin feels healthy, it's so weird! I love it. Now that my belly is getting bigger it is getting harder to do some things. My uterus is reaching my navel now, I can't wait until I can feel the kicks stronger. At the moment, I hardly feel a thing, a flutter here and there but nothing I notice too much.
I am still yet to book the ultrasound. I really need to get my butt into gear, I know I have no reason to believe there is a problem, but just in case. It's the only intervention I do agree with really, but I don't know what the statistics say about improving outcomes.
I'm still nursing, some days it's hard, some days it's easy. I'm taking each day as it comes. If DS nurses less during a day I feel sad at the though of him weaning already. Lucky for me he's not ready. I won't force him. I'm opening my mind up to tandem nursing, but I'll only do it with support from my partner, and he's not comfortable with it enough to support me, he's desperate for DS to wean as it is. He's not going to make me feel bad for not though, he is encouraging me to offer other things instead of a nurse though, at the moment DS nurses mainly to have a nap and during the night for comfort, so he's realised at the moment it's better to just let me nurse DS.
I watched a birth video the other day that had me a bit freaked out, honestly. It was one of the British TV shows called Home Birth Diaries. In one of the episodes,This on where the baby went into distress, baby was was born floppy and needed resuscitation. It was eye opening seeing it happen, and see the midwives work. It was good to see the skills used and to see how it is supposed to work. We're still doing a refresher course for our Senior First Aid though.
I am excited about the birth, I can't wait to see what my little baby looks like. Both my kids looked totally different, DD was blonde and had fuzzy straight hair and tiny, DS was chunky (he had fat rolls everywhere) and had black curly hair. It's impossible to imagine what my baby will look like. I'm expecting a chunky baby though, I know that at least, I am quite healthy like I was when I was pregnant with DS. I don't think too much about what labour will be like, mainly because I know it will probably be nothing like it. There's no point trying to guess what labour will be like, it works in mysterious ways ;)
DD is excited about having a new baby brother or sister, she likes to touch my belly and talk to baby. I wonder what is going through her mind when she does that... DS has no idea or ability to comprehend me being pregnant, he just knows mummy's milk is starting to change, and there isn't as much but he still gets boobie when he's tired and wants to sleep. He gets jealous when DD and I cuddle, sometimes I worry about how he will be with the new baby. He will still be relatively young, only 22 months... but I do remember DD was very different to how she was at 16 months as to 22 months. He's still got a lot of developing to do in a short time. I keep forgetting sometimes how much kids learn in such short spaces of time.
Well, that's it for now. Hopefully I'll be able to update more often. It's quite relaxing to write, I really only get the time when the kids are asleep and my partner is at work though, this is alone time for me :)
Peace, Love & Light xo
Friday, 3 August 2012
12 weeks 5 days
I am 13 weeks in 2 days, and I think I've pulled a muscle from throwing up.
I feel bruised and it's uncomfortable to move and breathe, it hurts worse after being sick, which is at least 4 times a day. Ginger isn't working so I'm focusing on getting food in and drinking plenty, I feel great when the nausea goes so I know I'm getting enough in. I'm gaining weight and I've got a little round belly.
DS is cutting down his nursing, he nurses about 4 times a day and sleeps almost through the night without waking to nurse. He's cutting his inscisors, all 4 currently, so I suspect he may cut down more, part of me is glad, another part of me desperately wants him to nurse as long as he wants not because I'm pregnant and milk supply is going. I love breastfeeding him, it settles him 99% of the time, not that he's an unsettled one, for the most part he's pretty chilled ;)
I'm taking each day as it comes, I hope to at least nurse DS until he is 18 months, I'd really be happy if he weans later rather than sooner. I won't mnd tandem if that means only nursing DS before he sleeps, but there's no way I can cope with a newborn and nursing DS as often as he does now. Because I'm running out of milk, I give him drinks of water rather than nurse, as much as I really didn't want to, I'm leading weaning. Hoping it happens slowly but not too slowly. We'll just have to see how things are going.
I'm waiting for my doppler to arrive, I can't wait to finally hear the heart tones. We only plan 1, at 20 weeks to check out how bub's growing and rule out things that may complicate birth and rule out things that would require immediate high care, something we cannot provide. We're not having the genetic testing, or any blood tests at all.
We are getting blood typing cards, because we should be able to use whatever cord blood there is (after the 3rd stage is over) to determine blood tupe. The ones we're looking at will tells us if he/she is rh neg or rh pos, it will be easy to call my gp or head to the hospital for the rh shot within 72 hours of birth, I'm considering having the shot at 35 weeks or maybe a little sooner, since it lasts for about 12 weeks but I'm looking more into it at the moment before I make my decision. I have plenty of time.
I'm going to get vit k supplements for myself, DS had the vit k shot after birth because he was very bruised, he looked red in pictures for a while, his eyes were very red they were too dark to see what colour his eyes were (see pic) at the time the red concerned me so I gave permission for the shot, the only one my son has had in his life (he is vax free).
I am not sure of my family's history, but I am aware my father had an issue with bruising as a child (he would roll around and the floor and be covered) which was why I agreed to the shot and not asked for the oral vit k, I was concerned he was already bleeding. I need to find out exactly what the issue was with my dad, so I know if I should have the oral one on hand or if me taking extra will be ok. I don't intend to not have the vit k altogether.
I am currently saving to get The Healing Passage, a book for midwives on tearing, I tore nearly 3rd degree, and although I know exactly why I tore that badly (I ignored my body telling me to pant while he was crowning) I want to know more. I tore internally, very unlike an episiotomy so I don't have scarring that I can feel/ massage prior to birth, I hope this means if I control the pushing stage, I can avoid tearing altogether like with my first (I only had grazes). I'm not afraid of tearing anymore though, it's way less painful than a broken coccyx ;)
That's it for now. DS has nursed to sleep so it's time to move him to bed.
Peace, Love & Light
I feel bruised and it's uncomfortable to move and breathe, it hurts worse after being sick, which is at least 4 times a day. Ginger isn't working so I'm focusing on getting food in and drinking plenty, I feel great when the nausea goes so I know I'm getting enough in. I'm gaining weight and I've got a little round belly.
DS is cutting down his nursing, he nurses about 4 times a day and sleeps almost through the night without waking to nurse. He's cutting his inscisors, all 4 currently, so I suspect he may cut down more, part of me is glad, another part of me desperately wants him to nurse as long as he wants not because I'm pregnant and milk supply is going. I love breastfeeding him, it settles him 99% of the time, not that he's an unsettled one, for the most part he's pretty chilled ;)
I'm taking each day as it comes, I hope to at least nurse DS until he is 18 months, I'd really be happy if he weans later rather than sooner. I won't mnd tandem if that means only nursing DS before he sleeps, but there's no way I can cope with a newborn and nursing DS as often as he does now. Because I'm running out of milk, I give him drinks of water rather than nurse, as much as I really didn't want to, I'm leading weaning. Hoping it happens slowly but not too slowly. We'll just have to see how things are going.
I'm waiting for my doppler to arrive, I can't wait to finally hear the heart tones. We only plan 1, at 20 weeks to check out how bub's growing and rule out things that may complicate birth and rule out things that would require immediate high care, something we cannot provide. We're not having the genetic testing, or any blood tests at all.
We are getting blood typing cards, because we should be able to use whatever cord blood there is (after the 3rd stage is over) to determine blood tupe. The ones we're looking at will tells us if he/she is rh neg or rh pos, it will be easy to call my gp or head to the hospital for the rh shot within 72 hours of birth, I'm considering having the shot at 35 weeks or maybe a little sooner, since it lasts for about 12 weeks but I'm looking more into it at the moment before I make my decision. I have plenty of time.
I'm going to get vit k supplements for myself, DS had the vit k shot after birth because he was very bruised, he looked red in pictures for a while, his eyes were very red they were too dark to see what colour his eyes were (see pic) at the time the red concerned me so I gave permission for the shot, the only one my son has had in his life (he is vax free).
 |
| DS less than 24 hours old |
I am currently saving to get The Healing Passage, a book for midwives on tearing, I tore nearly 3rd degree, and although I know exactly why I tore that badly (I ignored my body telling me to pant while he was crowning) I want to know more. I tore internally, very unlike an episiotomy so I don't have scarring that I can feel/ massage prior to birth, I hope this means if I control the pushing stage, I can avoid tearing altogether like with my first (I only had grazes). I'm not afraid of tearing anymore though, it's way less painful than a broken coccyx ;)
That's it for now. DS has nursed to sleep so it's time to move him to bed.
Peace, Love & Light
Friday, 29 June 2012
7 weeks 5 days :)
Well, this is what everyone must be waiting for ;)
I got my BFP!!!!!!
Just when I was starting to REALLY doubt we were sucessful, since the odds are 25% chance each cycle for the average couple, as there's no garantee when the egg is released the fallopian tubes catch it. I was seriously preparing for AF to arrive, I started cramping a fair bit.
Just 2 days before AF was due I did another test, I had a feeling, it's rather difficult to explain, and so I did, this brand is particularly sensitive but I still waited a week after getting the false negatives. It was the middle of the day on the saturday when something in my head said, it's time, you'll get the positive today.
Lo and behold, I got my positive. BUT it's still a secret from family and most friends so if you are one of my friends reading this, please refrain from mentioning this on and social networking site. We're going to send a photo with a pregnancy announcement to our families interstate.
I am currently 7.5 weeks along, morning sickness kicked in on week 6, earlier than usual. It's awful, awful AWFUL! I don't remember being this sick with the other two. I hope this time my morning sickness goes away at least and not hang around the whole pregnancy. I am struggling to find something to eat that doesn't make my stomach churn, I'm going to buy ginger when we go shopping so I can make ginger tea, my life saver for morning sickness. I have horrible acne, I hope it clears up like it usually does once the first trimester is over, it's not just my face that's covered, my arms and back too, it's really depressing looking in the mirror or having a shower and seeing it...
I am still breastfeeding and am letting DS self wean, if he doesn't then I'll be tandem nursing. My OH isn't comfortable with the idea but I've become quite familliar with this so to me it's quite normal. He will not ask me to wean thankfully, he says it's my right to decide if I stop or keep going, so I said I'm going to keep it up. It's the best way to calm a distressed child :). I am sure if DS is still nursing when LO is born my OH will have become used to me nursing an older child and newborn, he will do what he always does when the boundaries placed by society fall away and he sees it for what it is, me feeding and comforting my children. He's a beautiful person, my undying support, I am so blessed to have him in my life.
I have a feeling this baby might be a girl, my partner keeps insisting twins - twin boys (haha he wishes). I'm a little afraid of twins, I don't think I have that much faith in birth that I'd freebirth twins, I'd have to really consider my options and learn more about twin births before even considering it to be quite honest, as much as I would love to, so I would have to go to the hospital. That, in itself, is terrifying to me. As I mentioned in a previous post the hospitals here are really awful for birthing women, I would bet they would insist on induction or a c-section simply because I have a history of fast births and there's twins... not that I would agree to either, spontanoues natural labour is how I roll ;) I don't fear actually birthing twins, just the care I would likely recieve. I don't think I have twins though, so I still am having a free pregnancy and freebirthing unless I discover my partner is actually right.
I have updated my due date to the 11th of Feburary, since there were 6 days between the 2 due dates (the first being LMP and the second being from the last day ovulation was probable) I stuck with one in the middle. 6 days isn't enough for me to feel the need to use the latest due date, since I have so far not made it to 40 weeks, and I know the earlier due date is wrong and I can't bring myself to use a due date I know is inaccurate. I wonder how doctors manage to give out EDDs without knowing the length of a woman's cycle then try and justify induction if they're 'late', they can't even know if the baby is actually term or not until it's over, it's too often babies are supposedly late but appear premmature at birth. So, instead of 40 weeks, the mother could have only actually been 38 weeks. This is why is is NOT a good idea to induce before 42 weeks without medical indication. I'm sure mothers would wait just a bit longer if they knew they were risking a NICU stay for their baby.
I'm so happy to be pregnant, even though I feel so sickly. I'm noticing slight changes in my belly already, in a few weeks my uterus will begin to poke above the pubic bone, a few more after that I might start feeling the baby move and then a few more after that I'm having the morphology scan to confirm everything is where is should and I won't need to be in hospital for immediate care for my baby.
I'm a little bit nervous about giving birth, only because I know I dilate with BH contractions and last time I was at least 4cm before labor started (I checked myself a day before out of curiosity, I couldn't feel my cervix but I did feel bub's head and the bag of waters) so I'm REALLY hoping, I have enough time to fill the bath and have the water birth I have dreamed of having since I was pregnant with my daughter. I'm hoping I don't get stuck somewhere I don't want to give birth but am comfortable, I've had nightmares of visiting someone in hospital only to start labour and not being allowed to leave. Subconsciously I am afraid someone will try and take my rights as a birthing woman away, as is so common these days. Legally I'm covered, legally it's my right to say no, but there are people who ignore that and I am afraid of them. Birthing women are having to fight for our right to have a normal birth instead of an intervention filled drugged out birth, likely to end in a section. Drugs have a place in birth but NOT when the doctor tells the mother she needs it. We have to fight to say no to VOLUNTARY testing (emphasise voluntary because they aren't necessary for your baby's health or your own), we have a right to say no to IV's cervical exams and staying in bed. We are allowed to demand food for energy during labour, we're allowed to move around and help the baby out using gravity, we're ALLOWED to give birth at home with the caregiver we choose. It's the awesome thing about having rights to our sexual and reproductive health (which includes childbirth), and nobody has the right to take that away :)
I'm feeling a bit better, not quite so nauseated so I'm now going outside to play with the kids :)
Peace Love and Light.
I got my BFP!!!!!!
Just when I was starting to REALLY doubt we were sucessful, since the odds are 25% chance each cycle for the average couple, as there's no garantee when the egg is released the fallopian tubes catch it. I was seriously preparing for AF to arrive, I started cramping a fair bit.
Just 2 days before AF was due I did another test, I had a feeling, it's rather difficult to explain, and so I did, this brand is particularly sensitive but I still waited a week after getting the false negatives. It was the middle of the day on the saturday when something in my head said, it's time, you'll get the positive today.
Lo and behold, I got my positive. BUT it's still a secret from family and most friends so if you are one of my friends reading this, please refrain from mentioning this on and social networking site. We're going to send a photo with a pregnancy announcement to our families interstate.
I am currently 7.5 weeks along, morning sickness kicked in on week 6, earlier than usual. It's awful, awful AWFUL! I don't remember being this sick with the other two. I hope this time my morning sickness goes away at least and not hang around the whole pregnancy. I am struggling to find something to eat that doesn't make my stomach churn, I'm going to buy ginger when we go shopping so I can make ginger tea, my life saver for morning sickness. I have horrible acne, I hope it clears up like it usually does once the first trimester is over, it's not just my face that's covered, my arms and back too, it's really depressing looking in the mirror or having a shower and seeing it...
I am still breastfeeding and am letting DS self wean, if he doesn't then I'll be tandem nursing. My OH isn't comfortable with the idea but I've become quite familliar with this so to me it's quite normal. He will not ask me to wean thankfully, he says it's my right to decide if I stop or keep going, so I said I'm going to keep it up. It's the best way to calm a distressed child :). I am sure if DS is still nursing when LO is born my OH will have become used to me nursing an older child and newborn, he will do what he always does when the boundaries placed by society fall away and he sees it for what it is, me feeding and comforting my children. He's a beautiful person, my undying support, I am so blessed to have him in my life.
I have a feeling this baby might be a girl, my partner keeps insisting twins - twin boys (haha he wishes). I'm a little afraid of twins, I don't think I have that much faith in birth that I'd freebirth twins, I'd have to really consider my options and learn more about twin births before even considering it to be quite honest, as much as I would love to, so I would have to go to the hospital. That, in itself, is terrifying to me. As I mentioned in a previous post the hospitals here are really awful for birthing women, I would bet they would insist on induction or a c-section simply because I have a history of fast births and there's twins... not that I would agree to either, spontanoues natural labour is how I roll ;) I don't fear actually birthing twins, just the care I would likely recieve. I don't think I have twins though, so I still am having a free pregnancy and freebirthing unless I discover my partner is actually right.
I have updated my due date to the 11th of Feburary, since there were 6 days between the 2 due dates (the first being LMP and the second being from the last day ovulation was probable) I stuck with one in the middle. 6 days isn't enough for me to feel the need to use the latest due date, since I have so far not made it to 40 weeks, and I know the earlier due date is wrong and I can't bring myself to use a due date I know is inaccurate. I wonder how doctors manage to give out EDDs without knowing the length of a woman's cycle then try and justify induction if they're 'late', they can't even know if the baby is actually term or not until it's over, it's too often babies are supposedly late but appear premmature at birth. So, instead of 40 weeks, the mother could have only actually been 38 weeks. This is why is is NOT a good idea to induce before 42 weeks without medical indication. I'm sure mothers would wait just a bit longer if they knew they were risking a NICU stay for their baby.
I'm so happy to be pregnant, even though I feel so sickly. I'm noticing slight changes in my belly already, in a few weeks my uterus will begin to poke above the pubic bone, a few more after that I might start feeling the baby move and then a few more after that I'm having the morphology scan to confirm everything is where is should and I won't need to be in hospital for immediate care for my baby.
I'm a little bit nervous about giving birth, only because I know I dilate with BH contractions and last time I was at least 4cm before labor started (I checked myself a day before out of curiosity, I couldn't feel my cervix but I did feel bub's head and the bag of waters) so I'm REALLY hoping, I have enough time to fill the bath and have the water birth I have dreamed of having since I was pregnant with my daughter. I'm hoping I don't get stuck somewhere I don't want to give birth but am comfortable, I've had nightmares of visiting someone in hospital only to start labour and not being allowed to leave. Subconsciously I am afraid someone will try and take my rights as a birthing woman away, as is so common these days. Legally I'm covered, legally it's my right to say no, but there are people who ignore that and I am afraid of them. Birthing women are having to fight for our right to have a normal birth instead of an intervention filled drugged out birth, likely to end in a section. Drugs have a place in birth but NOT when the doctor tells the mother she needs it. We have to fight to say no to VOLUNTARY testing (emphasise voluntary because they aren't necessary for your baby's health or your own), we have a right to say no to IV's cervical exams and staying in bed. We are allowed to demand food for energy during labour, we're allowed to move around and help the baby out using gravity, we're ALLOWED to give birth at home with the caregiver we choose. It's the awesome thing about having rights to our sexual and reproductive health (which includes childbirth), and nobody has the right to take that away :)
I'm feeling a bit better, not quite so nauseated so I'm now going outside to play with the kids :)
Peace Love and Light.
Thursday, 24 May 2012
DS's birth story - A precipitous freebirth.
A little back story:
I always knew I was going to be a mother, not so young of course but had I not had my daughter so early in my life, I would still be unsure of what I am going to do with my life. My daughter was born when I was 19, she was a complete surprise for my boyfriend (now fiance) and I, but we embraced parenthood. After all, it's not like having a baby is something you can walk away from. I was studying my Bachelor of Nursing at university, but I was already starting to think about a different career option, I had dreamed of being a midwife but had no idea if I had enough passion, I hadn't had babies, I had no experience so I wouldn't really be able to empathise with the mothers. I thought I wouldn't be any good at it. I was excited about being pregnant, it was not only MY baby growing in my belly, but because I could learn from experience.
We loved almost everything about the pregnancy, neither of us enjoyed my morning sickness for the entire pregnancy but we were creating a new life together, we were becoming a family. Life was good. I had no doubt in my ability to give birth. Everyone thought I was lying when I said I was looking forward to giving birth - to me, it was just an adventure with a reward at the end, sure I thought it was going to be agonizing pain but not a medical emergency.
DD's birth was a smooth ride, I had a natural birth in the Women's and Children's Birth Centre with a lovely midwife whom was my midwife all through my pregnancy. I think I got lucky, to be quite honest. I got a midwife who was not only supportive of natural birth, but a midwife who asked me once when I arrived at the hospital if I wanted to go naturally (notice she didn't offer pain meds?) Of course I said yes, I knew I could do it on my own. And, I did. It didn't hurt nearly half as much as I imagined... thanks to the media. Her birth story will be posted another time.
When I found out we were expecting another baby when DD was 17.5 months, she had literally just self weaned off the breast (unknown at the time but due to me being pregnant, my milk started to change immediately) We were in complete shock. I was already nearly 8 weeks, I just thought my period was wonky from DD weaning. Neither of us expected it, we were avoiding pregnancy but planned to TTC after my birthday. Which was a month or so away. The timing was fine with me (Perfect actually, I badly wanted another baby), the kids will be 2 years apart.
At first, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle 2 kids I suffered PND and was undergoing treatment. I was in a bad place, but I felt positive for the first time in so long. I went through a lot in my first year as a mum, emotionally, and physically. When my daughter was 4.5 weeks old I had emergent surgery to removed my badly inflamed stone filled gallbladder. There was then an avoidable (someone messed up, badly, nearly costing my life) complication which meant my daughter and I were separated and she was formula fed for a few days while I was back in hospital. My milk supply dipped to almost nothing (not a great start as my supply hadn't established yet) I was left traumatised and extremely angry with the hospital (there is more to this story but now is not the time). I prefer to breastfeed, not only is it the biological norm for our species therefore the only food a human infant should have until they're ready for solids, it felt wrong to feed DD formula but there are times when artificial food is necessary for whatever length of time. That was one of those times. I nursed non stop for nearly 2 weeks without using a dummy as soon as I could, and I only gave formula if she cried too much to latch (which was once) before I once again, had an abundant supply. I feared I would have just as much of a hard time second time around, but I didn't expect it as I armed myself with information that would (and did) prevent that.
I knew having another baby was going to change things, I knew I would not be comfortable giving birth in hospital, where I had gone through so much trauma from the surgery. I knew I could give birth naturally with no help, I had proven it to myself already (even though I always believed I would). I started to look into giving birth at home, a totally new idea to me, but very enticing. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease when my daughter was 8 months old, and although I was in remission and feeling really healthy, the doctors at the Women's and Children's classed me as 'High Risk'. I, to this day, do not know why. The doctor LAUGHED at me when I mentioned a home birth and went on to tell me about severe tearing (which is rare) and Crohn's so I would HAVE to be in the hospital. This sounded wrong to me, very wrong. I was flaring from Crohn's for 2 years before having my daughter, she was fine, although perhaps a little small due to the restricted nutrients (could have also been caused by severe morning sickness), I was fine, barely a 1st degree tear no stitches necessary. I was in remission this pregnancy, so I was already better off than I was before.
The doctor dismissing the home birth idea so rudely encouraged me to start researching my options. I looked into having a hospital birth, home birth and even free birth (no midwife or doctor attending). I looked up statistics, birth stories, everything I could think of. I was still early in my pregnancy, not even 20 weeks, I had time to decide. I put my name down for the Midwifery Group Practice where you are allocated a midwife who will attend the birth, just like I had with DD but I got a letter telling me I had missed out but they would keep my name down if a midwife becomes available.
It seemed like my only option was to accidentally on purpose have a home birth then head to the hospital (I even dreamed of it happening, right through my pregnancy) or have a hospital birth with an unknown midwife or doctor who I could not guarantee was going to support me and do their best to avoid triggering the PTSD.
I seriously started to think about free birthing, and hoping to know enough to feel safe doing it. I was comfortable with it, DF was not, I didn't push the issue as I needed all his support.
Not even a month went by after getting the letter and I got a phone call from the MGP team leader telling me they had a midwife for me! I was beyond ecstatic, all the stress disappeared for a while. I told her I wanted a home birth but the doctors said I was HR, thankfully she said it didn't matter, Crohn's doesn't automatically make me high risk, my health at the time did and I was better than ever. The midwife I was allocated LOVES home births. I had the support I needed to have my baby at home!
So, I had planned a home birth with my midwife, getting excited more as time passed but when I was 36 weeks we had to move and the new house was out of the catchment area. A home birth was no longer allowed (hospital policy), we were just 2 suburbs too far from the hospital. I was devastated for weeks but was happy enough to have a water birth in the Birth Centre at the hospital with my midwife – whom I had looked forward to sharing my birth with, she is the kind of midwife I want to be one day. Caring, passionate and respects the natural course of childbirth. I wasn't happy with the idea of any other midwife attending my birth so it was easier to decide to have bub in the birth centre, I trusted she would respect me, she had proven herself during the home prenatal visits. I was allowed to go home as soon as 4 hours were up, providing things were fine of course. Still devastated about not having a home birth, I was still looking forward to having a water birth in the birth centre with my midwife.
The funny thing about birth though, you can't expect anything. No two births are the same.
I had been contracting since 36 weeks, painless Braxton Hicks Contractions, but strong. I kept waiting for it to turn into actual labour, I was in a lot of pain in my pelvis and back, and I was just done. I can completely understand why so many women so easily agree to induction, even ask for it! But I do not believe in inducing unless true medical need, and we were in perfect health. I tried to embrace what could be the last days of my pregnancy and the one-on-one with my daughter, soon to be big sister, no longer an only child.
38 weeks and 6 days along, still nothing more than strong BH occasionally coming and going. I thought I had lost all of the mucous plug so I was expecting to give birth any time, my fiance even cut his hours just in case, so he isn't working to complete exhaustion by the time I went into labour. We were expecting a baby boy, I didn't need the ultrasound to tell me, I knew as soon as I realised I was pregnant.
So there we were, every night I was bouncing on my gym ball, drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea as per the directions, waiting for my baby boy to start labour. I cried a lot, I was extremely emotional in the last 2 weeks. I even admit to crying just because I was still pregnant every morning. DD was born at 37+5 so I didn't expect to get to 40 weeks, even past 38 weeks.
I was invited to (and planned to attend) a friend's wedding that day, the 16thm but something felt odd, I felt the need to stay home. I felt bad but DF distracted me by taking us to the playhouse cafe near us for a little while so DD could play and we could enjoy our time together. My back was feeling achy all day, worse than normal and I was in a bad mood. But I tried to stay happy. Something was happening, I just hoped I wasn't getting my hopes up over nothing again. We went for a short drive on a bumpy road, not thinking about helping labour at that time, but I did realise the bumps may help we then set off home, watched a few movies and then went to bed pretty late. Me, still cursing the fact that I was wrong again, I was going to be 39 weeks pregnant the next day, I had been pregnant more than a week longer than I had been with DD. It felt odd, but it felt right at the same time, I felt comfortable knowing the longer I was pregnant the better off my son would be.
At around 1:50AM on the 17th I woke to some rather intense sharp pulling sensation above my pubic bone and a deep ache deep in my pelvis, contractions. They were strong enough to pull me out of sleep, which I had just barely drifted off, remember how we stupidly had a late night. I stayed in bed for 2 or 3 but they hurt too much to lie still, how on earth any woman is able to stay in bed during labour is a mystery to me. I had a very easy painless start to my labour with DD, by the time I began timing them they were 15 to 20 minutes apart and only just getting strong enough to stop what I was doing, very different to this time around. I wasn’t timing them at this point but they were already very close, surprisingly and confusingly close. No more than a couple of minutes apart. This confused me because labour wasn’t 'meant' to start like this. Did this mean this labour would be more painful? Would I give in and get narcotic pain relief even though I knew it was not the best option for me or my son? I didn't think it would just go faster.
The APGAR was then done in the back (I seriously think they were trying to find things to do, this was not even useful info for my midwife, it was done too late to count) and, bub scored a 10, of course. My mum then arrived, just moments after DF said he would wait for her at home with DD then head up to meet me at the hospital. I was relieved because I didn't want to go alone. I was afraid of going alone.
In the back of the ambulance I began to feel the after pains. I never felt them with DD. They were like contractions, but weaker. My MW later said they would be more painful than if I had a normal length labour because my uterus works in 'fast forward'. A heated wheat bag worked wonders in the birth centre, unfortunately I didn't have that in the ambulance, and so I cringed and squirmed through the pains, getting irritated at the officer in the back with me. DS then began the newborn breast crawl; he was a bit stuck to my chest so I gave him a hand and so we had our first nursing session in the back of the ambulance. It was a bit tricky helping him latch because of all the blankets weighing us down but we managed, more oxytocin flooded my body. I felt so much love inside me, it's hard to explain.
When we arrived at the hospital my midwife met us at the door, saying 'Well, you got your home birth!" I vaguely remember saying I wish she had been there but thinking the opposite, although I really loved my midwife. We went straight up to the BC to get checked over.
I delivered the placenta there in the birth centre after he finished nursing. I wanted to get off the stretcher but couldn't until the cord was cut so I took DS off but he didn't care, he was back on as soon as I was on the bed. DF cut the cord I got off the stretcher and got on the bed while my midwife dismissed the officers.
DF was then weighed after I had enough time with him, my arms were so tired. I was a bit shocked because my fundal height had been measuring 2 weeks behind but I had a perfectly healthy 3.5kg (7lbs 11oz) baby. DD was on the smaller side, weighing in at 2.58kg (around 5lbs 10oz) so with DS we were expecting a *maybe* 3kg baby.
I ended up with a second degree nearly 3rd degree tear (not bad considering the speed DS shot out) I got stitched up, which was terrifying, I hate needles, and tearing was a secret deep fear of mine. My midwife distracted me enough to easily numb the area. I was extremely grateful it was still a second degree, anything worse required a doctor and separation from my son. I then had a shower, I almost fainted from exhaustion so it was a very short one, but it was relaxing.
We were both in perfect health and were allowed home at 8am, just 4 hours after the placenta had been born. To pass the time we all slept in the birth room until we could go. DS was separated from me for a short time, he was taken (with super proud daddy following) to a little room in the midwives station (the office is in the entrance to the birth centre rooms so he was technically just outside the room) to do the newborn exam and lie on a warming bed. His temperature had dropped a bit much on the way to the hospital as he was wet and we were badly wrapped.
At 9am my mum arrived to pick us up. I realised at 7:30am that we hadn't organised a way to get home, thankfully one of my best friends was working night shift and finished not long before I called so she was able to get her son and watch DD until mum brought us home. Then, finally we went back home. Barely able to believe our son was here, after such an exciting birth.
Baby J (DS) was born on the 17th April 2011, 3:13am, weighing 7lbs 11oz, 48cm long and his head was 34cm round.
I always knew I was going to be a mother, not so young of course but had I not had my daughter so early in my life, I would still be unsure of what I am going to do with my life. My daughter was born when I was 19, she was a complete surprise for my boyfriend (now fiance) and I, but we embraced parenthood. After all, it's not like having a baby is something you can walk away from. I was studying my Bachelor of Nursing at university, but I was already starting to think about a different career option, I had dreamed of being a midwife but had no idea if I had enough passion, I hadn't had babies, I had no experience so I wouldn't really be able to empathise with the mothers. I thought I wouldn't be any good at it. I was excited about being pregnant, it was not only MY baby growing in my belly, but because I could learn from experience.
We loved almost everything about the pregnancy, neither of us enjoyed my morning sickness for the entire pregnancy but we were creating a new life together, we were becoming a family. Life was good. I had no doubt in my ability to give birth. Everyone thought I was lying when I said I was looking forward to giving birth - to me, it was just an adventure with a reward at the end, sure I thought it was going to be agonizing pain but not a medical emergency.
DD's birth was a smooth ride, I had a natural birth in the Women's and Children's Birth Centre with a lovely midwife whom was my midwife all through my pregnancy. I think I got lucky, to be quite honest. I got a midwife who was not only supportive of natural birth, but a midwife who asked me once when I arrived at the hospital if I wanted to go naturally (notice she didn't offer pain meds?) Of course I said yes, I knew I could do it on my own. And, I did. It didn't hurt nearly half as much as I imagined... thanks to the media. Her birth story will be posted another time.
When I found out we were expecting another baby when DD was 17.5 months, she had literally just self weaned off the breast (unknown at the time but due to me being pregnant, my milk started to change immediately) We were in complete shock. I was already nearly 8 weeks, I just thought my period was wonky from DD weaning. Neither of us expected it, we were avoiding pregnancy but planned to TTC after my birthday. Which was a month or so away. The timing was fine with me (Perfect actually, I badly wanted another baby), the kids will be 2 years apart.
At first, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle 2 kids I suffered PND and was undergoing treatment. I was in a bad place, but I felt positive for the first time in so long. I went through a lot in my first year as a mum, emotionally, and physically. When my daughter was 4.5 weeks old I had emergent surgery to removed my badly inflamed stone filled gallbladder. There was then an avoidable (someone messed up, badly, nearly costing my life) complication which meant my daughter and I were separated and she was formula fed for a few days while I was back in hospital. My milk supply dipped to almost nothing (not a great start as my supply hadn't established yet) I was left traumatised and extremely angry with the hospital (there is more to this story but now is not the time). I prefer to breastfeed, not only is it the biological norm for our species therefore the only food a human infant should have until they're ready for solids, it felt wrong to feed DD formula but there are times when artificial food is necessary for whatever length of time. That was one of those times. I nursed non stop for nearly 2 weeks without using a dummy as soon as I could, and I only gave formula if she cried too much to latch (which was once) before I once again, had an abundant supply. I feared I would have just as much of a hard time second time around, but I didn't expect it as I armed myself with information that would (and did) prevent that.
I knew having another baby was going to change things, I knew I would not be comfortable giving birth in hospital, where I had gone through so much trauma from the surgery. I knew I could give birth naturally with no help, I had proven it to myself already (even though I always believed I would). I started to look into giving birth at home, a totally new idea to me, but very enticing. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease when my daughter was 8 months old, and although I was in remission and feeling really healthy, the doctors at the Women's and Children's classed me as 'High Risk'. I, to this day, do not know why. The doctor LAUGHED at me when I mentioned a home birth and went on to tell me about severe tearing (which is rare) and Crohn's so I would HAVE to be in the hospital. This sounded wrong to me, very wrong. I was flaring from Crohn's for 2 years before having my daughter, she was fine, although perhaps a little small due to the restricted nutrients (could have also been caused by severe morning sickness), I was fine, barely a 1st degree tear no stitches necessary. I was in remission this pregnancy, so I was already better off than I was before.
The doctor dismissing the home birth idea so rudely encouraged me to start researching my options. I looked into having a hospital birth, home birth and even free birth (no midwife or doctor attending). I looked up statistics, birth stories, everything I could think of. I was still early in my pregnancy, not even 20 weeks, I had time to decide. I put my name down for the Midwifery Group Practice where you are allocated a midwife who will attend the birth, just like I had with DD but I got a letter telling me I had missed out but they would keep my name down if a midwife becomes available.
It seemed like my only option was to accidentally on purpose have a home birth then head to the hospital (I even dreamed of it happening, right through my pregnancy) or have a hospital birth with an unknown midwife or doctor who I could not guarantee was going to support me and do their best to avoid triggering the PTSD.
I seriously started to think about free birthing, and hoping to know enough to feel safe doing it. I was comfortable with it, DF was not, I didn't push the issue as I needed all his support.
Not even a month went by after getting the letter and I got a phone call from the MGP team leader telling me they had a midwife for me! I was beyond ecstatic, all the stress disappeared for a while. I told her I wanted a home birth but the doctors said I was HR, thankfully she said it didn't matter, Crohn's doesn't automatically make me high risk, my health at the time did and I was better than ever. The midwife I was allocated LOVES home births. I had the support I needed to have my baby at home!
So, I had planned a home birth with my midwife, getting excited more as time passed but when I was 36 weeks we had to move and the new house was out of the catchment area. A home birth was no longer allowed (hospital policy), we were just 2 suburbs too far from the hospital. I was devastated for weeks but was happy enough to have a water birth in the Birth Centre at the hospital with my midwife – whom I had looked forward to sharing my birth with, she is the kind of midwife I want to be one day. Caring, passionate and respects the natural course of childbirth. I wasn't happy with the idea of any other midwife attending my birth so it was easier to decide to have bub in the birth centre, I trusted she would respect me, she had proven herself during the home prenatal visits. I was allowed to go home as soon as 4 hours were up, providing things were fine of course. Still devastated about not having a home birth, I was still looking forward to having a water birth in the birth centre with my midwife.
The funny thing about birth though, you can't expect anything. No two births are the same.
I had been contracting since 36 weeks, painless Braxton Hicks Contractions, but strong. I kept waiting for it to turn into actual labour, I was in a lot of pain in my pelvis and back, and I was just done. I can completely understand why so many women so easily agree to induction, even ask for it! But I do not believe in inducing unless true medical need, and we were in perfect health. I tried to embrace what could be the last days of my pregnancy and the one-on-one with my daughter, soon to be big sister, no longer an only child.
38 weeks and 6 days along, still nothing more than strong BH occasionally coming and going. I thought I had lost all of the mucous plug so I was expecting to give birth any time, my fiance even cut his hours just in case, so he isn't working to complete exhaustion by the time I went into labour. We were expecting a baby boy, I didn't need the ultrasound to tell me, I knew as soon as I realised I was pregnant.
So there we were, every night I was bouncing on my gym ball, drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea as per the directions, waiting for my baby boy to start labour. I cried a lot, I was extremely emotional in the last 2 weeks. I even admit to crying just because I was still pregnant every morning. DD was born at 37+5 so I didn't expect to get to 40 weeks, even past 38 weeks.
I was invited to (and planned to attend) a friend's wedding that day, the 16thm but something felt odd, I felt the need to stay home. I felt bad but DF distracted me by taking us to the playhouse cafe near us for a little while so DD could play and we could enjoy our time together. My back was feeling achy all day, worse than normal and I was in a bad mood. But I tried to stay happy. Something was happening, I just hoped I wasn't getting my hopes up over nothing again. We went for a short drive on a bumpy road, not thinking about helping labour at that time, but I did realise the bumps may help we then set off home, watched a few movies and then went to bed pretty late. Me, still cursing the fact that I was wrong again, I was going to be 39 weeks pregnant the next day, I had been pregnant more than a week longer than I had been with DD. It felt odd, but it felt right at the same time, I felt comfortable knowing the longer I was pregnant the better off my son would be.
At around 1:50AM on the 17th I woke to some rather intense sharp pulling sensation above my pubic bone and a deep ache deep in my pelvis, contractions. They were strong enough to pull me out of sleep, which I had just barely drifted off, remember how we stupidly had a late night. I stayed in bed for 2 or 3 but they hurt too much to lie still, how on earth any woman is able to stay in bed during labour is a mystery to me. I had a very easy painless start to my labour with DD, by the time I began timing them they were 15 to 20 minutes apart and only just getting strong enough to stop what I was doing, very different to this time around. I wasn’t timing them at this point but they were already very close, surprisingly and confusingly close. No more than a couple of minutes apart. This confused me because labour wasn’t 'meant' to start like this. Did this mean this labour would be more painful? Would I give in and get narcotic pain relief even though I knew it was not the best option for me or my son? I didn't think it would just go faster.
I
went to the bathroom, and noticed a little bit of blood although no
plug (I was looking for it because of the contractions trying to decide
what stage I was in) and concluded it was early although established
labour, I was certain I was past 4cm because of how things felt. I
guessed I had about 5 hours ahead of me, we planned to leave as late as
possible - the hospital is16 minutes away.
I left DF sleeping, he would need to be well rested. I posted a status on FaceBook about maybe having a baby later that day, I managed to reply to one comment and had a few more contractions before DF came out into the lounge finding me pacing in the lounge breathing through them. I wanted to relax as much as possible and not tense during the waves, I felt odd, and absolutely full of excitement. Although later on DF told me I reminded him of a wounded animal, pacing, searching for somewhere to birth. My baby was on his way earth-side. I told him I was in labour and the contractions were closer together than I expected, he walked up to me and said I should probably call my mum who was to watch DD for us while we were at the birth centre. I wanted to make sure she was ready to come when we were ready for her.
I gave my mum a call while still pacing in the lounge to let her know what was going on. The contractions were quickly becoming more painful. They were still tolerable though, I was finding it easy to hide them; or so I thought. I found myself spacing out a little while talking to her. I had several contractions and at one point mum asked how far apart they were, cottoning onto the fact that they were closer together than I was letting on. I was quite relaxed, and I admitted we hadn’t even thought of timing them yet. I remember telling her to take her time, things had only just started. She said she'll head over, obviously more aware of what was happening than I was. She had fast births, so I was 'at risk' of it too. I found this out later too.
I left DF sleeping, he would need to be well rested. I posted a status on FaceBook about maybe having a baby later that day, I managed to reply to one comment and had a few more contractions before DF came out into the lounge finding me pacing in the lounge breathing through them. I wanted to relax as much as possible and not tense during the waves, I felt odd, and absolutely full of excitement. Although later on DF told me I reminded him of a wounded animal, pacing, searching for somewhere to birth. My baby was on his way earth-side. I told him I was in labour and the contractions were closer together than I expected, he walked up to me and said I should probably call my mum who was to watch DD for us while we were at the birth centre. I wanted to make sure she was ready to come when we were ready for her.
I gave my mum a call while still pacing in the lounge to let her know what was going on. The contractions were quickly becoming more painful. They were still tolerable though, I was finding it easy to hide them; or so I thought. I found myself spacing out a little while talking to her. I had several contractions and at one point mum asked how far apart they were, cottoning onto the fact that they were closer together than I was letting on. I was quite relaxed, and I admitted we hadn’t even thought of timing them yet. I remember telling her to take her time, things had only just started. She said she'll head over, obviously more aware of what was happening than I was. She had fast births, so I was 'at risk' of it too. I found this out later too.
After
hanging up DF and I went to the kitchen because I wanted to have a cup
of tea. Before the kettle had finished boiling, the contractions began
to really hurt. I had to vocalise while having a contraction and I felt
like I needed to be walking around and squatting during them. I was was
feeling a lot of pressure, like I had a few bricks sitting on my pelvic
floor. I knew I wouldn’t get to drink my tea before it was even made. DF
tried to massage my back, knowing that last time I had wished for him
to play a more active role in supporting me rather than standing back,
but he only irritated me. I wanted to be left alone this time. I didn’t
want to be touched, especially when I just wanted to move around and DF
massaging me held me in place, or pushed me into a position that I found
made the contractions intolerable until I pulled away. I was in a sour
but excited mood. I wanted to be alone.
The
contractions were rather intense and unrelenting, so I began timing
them on my iPhone pregnancy app ‘Pregnancy Tracker’. They were around a
minute and a half apart and lasting 45 seconds. DF started to get on my
nerves, not fdor anything big either, he was just trying to help. I
yelled at him, walked into the lounge and told him to leave me alone. I
said I was going to give birth in the lounge and he wasn’t allowed to be
with me. I still laugh about that. What on earth I was thinking don't
know! I was very irrational, I felt stupid but I believe it’s pointless
fighting emotions while in labour, that it is best to just let go and
embrace it. I was starting to find it really hard to focus on anything
else besides the pressure and the contractions. I tried really hard to
forget the last and not think about the next one, and it helped me cope,
somehow I still thought I had hours to go even though I was suspecting
labour was closer to being over than starting. I lost track of time
completely, I kind of expected it to be light outside, but it was barely
past 2am.
It
was then that he decided it was time to call my midwife and let her
know I was in labour. We called the hospital and asked them to page my
midwife; DF was on the phone for me because I was now at the point where
I could not carry a conversation. The midwife wanted to talk to me, it
was funny because it was then that I was beginning to push involuntarily
through the contractions which were very very close together, and she
still didn't get the fast that I was in the last stage of labour even
while I was attempting to talk. I expected better from a midwife (I'm
not even trained and I can pick the stage of labour by the sounds the
mother is making), but didn't give it much thought until later. She said
my midwife would call in 10 minutes so I asked her to hang up so we
could wait. The whole situation was confusing, I was waiting for my mum,
then we were heading to the hospital. What more needed to be said? If
we didn't make it, we didn't make it, my mum is a trained ambulance
officer so it's not like help wasn't going to be there. It wasn't like I
had been shot, I was just having a baby.
I started to feel even more pressure deep in my pelvis, I swore I needed to go to the toilet so I went to the bathroom and then I decided I could not handle the contractions without water and needed to be in the shower. I was amazed at the relief I felt when I first got in the bath while in labour with DD, so I knew the shower would help until I would have to get into the car – Which terified me, I was certain that ride would be hell. But, I was focused on that bath in the birth centre where I was planning to give birth, I wanted a water birth with my daughter so badly but due to miscommunication with my midwife, it didn't happen, but at least I birthed in a position comfortable for me (Hands and knees).
I decided I would wait for my mum while in the shower (we have one of those baths with the shower over it but to fill the bath would be a waste of time, so we thought) I couldn’t have cared less if she was to walk in and see me naked. I was detaching myself from reality and sinking to another consciousness completely. I let my conscious mind let go, I wasn't really thinking, just doing.
In the shower I remember telling DF as soon as we got to the birth centre, I wanted the drugs, epidural maybe, even though I had a drug free birth before, I absolutely believed could not do it anymore. I kept saying ‘I can’t do this’ over and over until the peak of the contraction took over and I just stood there moaning, grunting and crying in pain. DF reassured me, bringing me back down to my calm place before the next contraction. He kept telling me I CAN do it, this was what I wanted. And he was right.
I have felt worse pain than labour (my history includes gallstones, perforated bowel and a major bowel obstruction), but at the time I did NOT want to be in labour, I wanted it to end, or at least for the pain to go away.
Then a moment of clarity, I enjoyed it, I embraced the waves, they didn't hurt and then something made me loose focus again - most likely the bright lights and DF taking on the phone a few times. The contractions at this time are impossible to adequately describe, not totally unbearable but very hard to deal with without that focus. It felt like one long contraction that got more intense then slowly eased but before ending it started up and got more intense again. I was a little worried labour was going to be this intense and get worse for hours but I was starting to understand the situation better, DF was still trying to time the contractions for me but not knowing when they began exactly and when they ended, it was pointless.
My midwife called but I can’t remember what happened there, I do remember being told she would meet us at the BC but she didn't think I would make it in time by just listening to me in the background.
Still waiting for my mum, we just hung out in the bathroom; DD woke so DF had to settle her, I was alone for a bit, I was at ease but still not really wanting DF to be out of the room. I don’t remember hearing DD cry, she has never liked seeing me cry, it always upset her. I do remember being a little sad that she was going to miss the birth of her baby brother, but I believed I would upset her or scare her. Even though I had tried to prepare her for the birth, I had shown her birth videos because I had wanted her to be a part of the home birth. This was nothing like those videos, I was making a hell of a lot of noise and cursing a lot. My word of choice was the F word, the less clear DD hears that the better.
I started to feel even more pressure deep in my pelvis, I swore I needed to go to the toilet so I went to the bathroom and then I decided I could not handle the contractions without water and needed to be in the shower. I was amazed at the relief I felt when I first got in the bath while in labour with DD, so I knew the shower would help until I would have to get into the car – Which terified me, I was certain that ride would be hell. But, I was focused on that bath in the birth centre where I was planning to give birth, I wanted a water birth with my daughter so badly but due to miscommunication with my midwife, it didn't happen, but at least I birthed in a position comfortable for me (Hands and knees).
I decided I would wait for my mum while in the shower (we have one of those baths with the shower over it but to fill the bath would be a waste of time, so we thought) I couldn’t have cared less if she was to walk in and see me naked. I was detaching myself from reality and sinking to another consciousness completely. I let my conscious mind let go, I wasn't really thinking, just doing.
In the shower I remember telling DF as soon as we got to the birth centre, I wanted the drugs, epidural maybe, even though I had a drug free birth before, I absolutely believed could not do it anymore. I kept saying ‘I can’t do this’ over and over until the peak of the contraction took over and I just stood there moaning, grunting and crying in pain. DF reassured me, bringing me back down to my calm place before the next contraction. He kept telling me I CAN do it, this was what I wanted. And he was right.
I have felt worse pain than labour (my history includes gallstones, perforated bowel and a major bowel obstruction), but at the time I did NOT want to be in labour, I wanted it to end, or at least for the pain to go away.
Then a moment of clarity, I enjoyed it, I embraced the waves, they didn't hurt and then something made me loose focus again - most likely the bright lights and DF taking on the phone a few times. The contractions at this time are impossible to adequately describe, not totally unbearable but very hard to deal with without that focus. It felt like one long contraction that got more intense then slowly eased but before ending it started up and got more intense again. I was a little worried labour was going to be this intense and get worse for hours but I was starting to understand the situation better, DF was still trying to time the contractions for me but not knowing when they began exactly and when they ended, it was pointless.
My midwife called but I can’t remember what happened there, I do remember being told she would meet us at the BC but she didn't think I would make it in time by just listening to me in the background.
Still waiting for my mum, we just hung out in the bathroom; DD woke so DF had to settle her, I was alone for a bit, I was at ease but still not really wanting DF to be out of the room. I don’t remember hearing DD cry, she has never liked seeing me cry, it always upset her. I do remember being a little sad that she was going to miss the birth of her baby brother, but I believed I would upset her or scare her. Even though I had tried to prepare her for the birth, I had shown her birth videos because I had wanted her to be a part of the home birth. This was nothing like those videos, I was making a hell of a lot of noise and cursing a lot. My word of choice was the F word, the less clear DD hears that the better.
The
contractions were getting a little overwhelming and the pressure in my
pelvis was insane. I started to complain and turned the hot water up
because it wasn't hot enough to give relief. Still standing, every
contraction made my whole body shake, and at the very end of each
contraction I found myself squatting or leaning right over with my hands
on the edge of the bath.
Something in my mind clicked. I realised I was already pushing; although it felt different than last time, I wasn't pushing with the contractions. I could feel bub's head coming down, I could feel the bag of waters with my hand, it took me a moment for everything to sink in, and then told DF to check it out. DS was almost crowning already! I thought it was the coolest thing ever, he didn’t think so, I think it grossed him out more than anything. He went back on the phone to page my midwife again, a little freaked.
Something in my mind clicked. I realised I was already pushing; although it felt different than last time, I wasn't pushing with the contractions. I could feel bub's head coming down, I could feel the bag of waters with my hand, it took me a moment for everything to sink in, and then told DF to check it out. DS was almost crowning already! I thought it was the coolest thing ever, he didn’t think so, I think it grossed him out more than anything. He went back on the phone to page my midwife again, a little freaked.
I
felt a strong urge to push with the contractions. Realising DF had no
idea I was pushing, I told him and he told the woman on the other end of
the line – the midwife who pages the group practice midwives, and she
told him he legally had to call an ambulance. This is not true, she was
obligated to recommend calling them, but we did not legally have to do
anything.
Hearing
him say he had to call the ambulance, I panicked a little, I didn't
want anyone else there at this time and began pushing even harder ,
harder than I needed to – big mistake, it made my waters forcefully
break soon after. When my waters broke, it really stung!. It made me a
little afraid to push because it kept stinging but it was too late to
keep fighting the urge. My whole body took over and my conscious mind
disappeared once again. I was just following my instincts. It felt so
good.
I was quite happy being at home, and being with nobody but my partner was comforting. I was at the point where I didn't want to be anywhere else, I knew everything was going perfectly and because my waters were clear, I had no reason to worry if DS was in distress – which I read can often happen with precipitous births. I was more than happy to keep going as things were, I made the decision when I started to push that I was staying put, we were doing it on our own. I knew what to do and got DF to go get some towels and then turn on the heating light in the bathroom so it was warm when he was born. In my head, I was birthing, on the outside I was preparing. A strange place to be in. I never thought I would me making orders like that while pushing.
I was quite happy being at home, and being with nobody but my partner was comforting. I was at the point where I didn't want to be anywhere else, I knew everything was going perfectly and because my waters were clear, I had no reason to worry if DS was in distress – which I read can often happen with precipitous births. I was more than happy to keep going as things were, I made the decision when I started to push that I was staying put, we were doing it on our own. I knew what to do and got DF to go get some towels and then turn on the heating light in the bathroom so it was warm when he was born. In my head, I was birthing, on the outside I was preparing. A strange place to be in. I never thought I would me making orders like that while pushing.
Now
that I was pushing with the contractions I was feeling so much relief,
it would be over soon, and it also felt really good. Like a cold drink
on a hot day.
I was pushing on my hands and knees, and then stood up between pushes (There was no holding my breath and pushing to the count of 10, there was absolutely no need, if anyone had said that to me then I would have not hesitated to kick them in the face), I tried pushing once while standing but felt his head move down better when I was on my hands and knees. I don’t get why, after all, gravity is meant to help them move down; obviously not in this case.
I was pushing on my hands and knees, and then stood up between pushes (There was no holding my breath and pushing to the count of 10, there was absolutely no need, if anyone had said that to me then I would have not hesitated to kick them in the face), I tried pushing once while standing but felt his head move down better when I was on my hands and knees. I don’t get why, after all, gravity is meant to help them move down; obviously not in this case.
DF
was still on the phone to 000 - they told him not to hang up so they
could give instructions that he never listened to, when someone starts
interfere with the natural process, things can go very wrong (when
things are fine otherwise of course, there are rare circumstances that
make interference necessary), my midwife called back and then he was on
the phone to 2 people at once while I was pushing. I forgot he was there
until he spoke to me. I was getting jelly legs from standing so long
(as full of energy as I was, I was so tired) I was focused on getting
this baby out.
On
my hands and knees I felt DS start crowning, I was glad we have the
shower over the bath, immediately after his head was out I suddenly
needed to get my leg up; the edge of the bath was the perfect height. DF
dropped the phones and then got ready to catch his son. I knew the rest
of his body was born with the next push so we waited as long as needed,
which was only long enough to stand and take a few breaths. Gripping
onto the walls, leg up on the side of the bath; I got the final urge and
I pushed.
He came out in a rush, I felt him slide out and immediately I reached for him. It was such a relief, and I was in ecstasy, DS was finally here. With only a few pushes. DF took a moment to gaze at his son then handed him to me where I immediately placed him on my chest, stroking his back checking him over waiting to see if he would cry – knowing not all babies need to. I watched him quickly turn pink as he looked at me, with those eyes it was like he was looking into my soul, already knowing me, already knowing him. I didn’t want to move him too much but I did check his sex, having already had an ultrasound saying he was a boy and my intuition telling me he was a boy, I wanted to confirm it.
He came out in a rush, I felt him slide out and immediately I reached for him. It was such a relief, and I was in ecstasy, DS was finally here. With only a few pushes. DF took a moment to gaze at his son then handed him to me where I immediately placed him on my chest, stroking his back checking him over waiting to see if he would cry – knowing not all babies need to. I watched him quickly turn pink as he looked at me, with those eyes it was like he was looking into my soul, already knowing me, already knowing him. I didn’t want to move him too much but I did check his sex, having already had an ultrasound saying he was a boy and my intuition telling me he was a boy, I wanted to confirm it.
DS was born at 3:13am, about 90 minutes, no more, of labour.
He was finally here, and I was feeling on top of the world. I did it, and I got the home birth I thought I wasn't going to experience, and we did it on our own. DF said something about waiting for the ambulance outside, letting DD out of her room to meet her brother.
He was finally here, and I was feeling on top of the world. I did it, and I got the home birth I thought I wasn't going to experience, and we did it on our own. DF said something about waiting for the ambulance outside, letting DD out of her room to meet her brother.
DD
came into the bathroom, staring in wonder at this tiny little person in
my arms. She looked at the scene, maybe remembering the birth videos,
and acknowledged what had happened, “Baby” she says, pointing to DS.
Until then, baby meant my belly.
I knew I tore, I could feel it there. I was stinging with every slight movement of the cord, and so I stayed squatting under the shower holding my little boy, saying ‘Hello’ over and over for about 10 minutes, looking at his tiny perfect little self when the ambulance officers finally arrived. I was so relieved they were too late. The attending officer was a bit disappointed, after 15 years as an officer; he just missed out on his first delivery. They kinda messed with my high because of all the questions. I wanted to get cleaned up, get a blanket and snuggle with my little boy in bed and nurse him. But I knew I would probably need to be sutured and my midwife was waiting for us. We never thought to ask for the ambulance officers help to get me out of the shower, they just stood in the doorway, chatting to us deciding what to do. I was not pleased to be squatting in the shower under running water, naked in front of two strange men, shaking, and holding my son while waiting to see what was going to happen next. I didn’t know what I was expected to do. I knew what I wanted to do, get in bed and snuggle with my little boy.
I knew I tore, I could feel it there. I was stinging with every slight movement of the cord, and so I stayed squatting under the shower holding my little boy, saying ‘Hello’ over and over for about 10 minutes, looking at his tiny perfect little self when the ambulance officers finally arrived. I was so relieved they were too late. The attending officer was a bit disappointed, after 15 years as an officer; he just missed out on his first delivery. They kinda messed with my high because of all the questions. I wanted to get cleaned up, get a blanket and snuggle with my little boy in bed and nurse him. But I knew I would probably need to be sutured and my midwife was waiting for us. We never thought to ask for the ambulance officers help to get me out of the shower, they just stood in the doorway, chatting to us deciding what to do. I was not pleased to be squatting in the shower under running water, naked in front of two strange men, shaking, and holding my son while waiting to see what was going to happen next. I didn’t know what I was expected to do. I knew what I wanted to do, get in bed and snuggle with my little boy.
It
was decided we would get in the ambulance and they would take us to
hospital, we only had one car seat and felt we had to leave with them.
They started deciding what they were going to do first. Cutting the cord
was, for some reason, the first thing they thought of. Not getting us
dried off and warm like we needed to be. I was very tired and could
barely feel my legs anymore. I had to beg for help to get out of the
bath, DF was dealing with DD at the time.
I
didn’t want them to cut the cord, I wanted to wait until the placenta
had been born before cutting it, for a minute I thought they were going
to lie and tell me they had to but thankfully they didn't force the
issue. I planned to delay cord clamping regardless of where I gave
birth, my midwife was very supportive so I didn't want things to change
just because I accidentally gave birth at home. There are more benefits
than risks when it comes to delaying cord clamping/ cutting. DS was
never jaundiced and I honestly believe it is because of that – he got
all the blood he needed from the placenta before it was cut. 1/3rd of
your baby's blood is stored in the placenta during birth - when they're
being squeazed the blood can't stay in the baby's body but they need it
back once out
.
.
When
they (finally) helped me out of the bath there was a small gush of
blood as I stood, this let me know the placenta had detached but I was
not ready to deliver it, I was too sore, felt too vulnerable and we had
nothing to catch it in. I got wrapped up in blankets and towels, with
large gaps so I was very cold. I walked out to the drive way where I had
to try and get on the stretcher, they didn't really touch me to help (I
should have waited for my mum and drove to the hospital myself, the
most they did was drive us there, not worth the $900 bill)
The APGAR was then done in the back (I seriously think they were trying to find things to do, this was not even useful info for my midwife, it was done too late to count) and, bub scored a 10, of course. My mum then arrived, just moments after DF said he would wait for her at home with DD then head up to meet me at the hospital. I was relieved because I didn't want to go alone. I was afraid of going alone.
In the back of the ambulance I began to feel the after pains. I never felt them with DD. They were like contractions, but weaker. My MW later said they would be more painful than if I had a normal length labour because my uterus works in 'fast forward'. A heated wheat bag worked wonders in the birth centre, unfortunately I didn't have that in the ambulance, and so I cringed and squirmed through the pains, getting irritated at the officer in the back with me. DS then began the newborn breast crawl; he was a bit stuck to my chest so I gave him a hand and so we had our first nursing session in the back of the ambulance. It was a bit tricky helping him latch because of all the blankets weighing us down but we managed, more oxytocin flooded my body. I felt so much love inside me, it's hard to explain.
When we arrived at the hospital my midwife met us at the door, saying 'Well, you got your home birth!" I vaguely remember saying I wish she had been there but thinking the opposite, although I really loved my midwife. We went straight up to the BC to get checked over.
I delivered the placenta there in the birth centre after he finished nursing. I wanted to get off the stretcher but couldn't until the cord was cut so I took DS off but he didn't care, he was back on as soon as I was on the bed. DF cut the cord I got off the stretcher and got on the bed while my midwife dismissed the officers.
 |
| second breastfeed, just after delivering the placenta, still wrapped up in the ambulance blankets, about an hour after giving birth |
DF was then weighed after I had enough time with him, my arms were so tired. I was a bit shocked because my fundal height had been measuring 2 weeks behind but I had a perfectly healthy 3.5kg (7lbs 11oz) baby. DD was on the smaller side, weighing in at 2.58kg (around 5lbs 10oz) so with DS we were expecting a *maybe* 3kg baby.
I ended up with a second degree nearly 3rd degree tear (not bad considering the speed DS shot out) I got stitched up, which was terrifying, I hate needles, and tearing was a secret deep fear of mine. My midwife distracted me enough to easily numb the area. I was extremely grateful it was still a second degree, anything worse required a doctor and separation from my son. I then had a shower, I almost fainted from exhaustion so it was a very short one, but it was relaxing.
We were both in perfect health and were allowed home at 8am, just 4 hours after the placenta had been born. To pass the time we all slept in the birth room until we could go. DS was separated from me for a short time, he was taken (with super proud daddy following) to a little room in the midwives station (the office is in the entrance to the birth centre rooms so he was technically just outside the room) to do the newborn exam and lie on a warming bed. His temperature had dropped a bit much on the way to the hospital as he was wet and we were badly wrapped.
At 9am my mum arrived to pick us up. I realised at 7:30am that we hadn't organised a way to get home, thankfully one of my best friends was working night shift and finished not long before I called so she was able to get her son and watch DD until mum brought us home. Then, finally we went back home. Barely able to believe our son was here, after such an exciting birth.
Baby J (DS) was born on the 17th April 2011, 3:13am, weighing 7lbs 11oz, 48cm long and his head was 34cm round.
I
got my perfect birth, the first person to touch my son was his dad, my
daughter got to meet him before we left and we did it on our own at
home. It's been 13 months and I'm still on a high! I can't wait to do it again.
So there's my son's birth story. A precipitous, last minute free birth at home.
So there's my son's birth story. A precipitous, last minute free birth at home.
Monday, 21 May 2012
Choosing freebirth
DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT SAYING FREEBIRTH IS FOR EVERYONE, IT IS A DECISION ONLY THE MOTHER AND FATHER CAN MAKE. I AM NOT IN ANY WAY TELLING ANYBODY TO FREEBIRTH. I DO NOT ADVOCATE FREEBIRTH, ONLY WANT TO SPREAD AWARENESS SO PEOPLE CAN ACCEPT IT AS A LEGITIMATE CHOICE FOR THOSE WHO SEEK IT.
It's not an easy decision, to chose to freebirth. With that decision comes great responsibility, for my baby's health and wellbeing as well as my own. I have 2 children, neither of their births were traumatic or even complicated, yet I still choose to give birth without a midwife when I have my next baby. Of course, only if my baby and I are still low risk.
I choose freebirth because I completely trust birth, I accept all responsibility of the outcome, and I take on all responsibility for knowing when to seek help. I take complete responsibility for educating myself and my fiance on all aspects of birth. I don't feel I need a midwife there by my side, I trust my intuition, I trust my body works. I also, contrary to popular belief, will happily head to hospital and have a cesarean surgery if it was required. Obstetricians are there for a reason, I am very greatful they exist and will not hesitate to seek their expertise when it's needed. I'm not so selfish that I'd put my baby's life at risk just because I want the experience of a home birth.
I don't want to hand all responsibility to another person, who is not responsible for the life of the child, sometimes decisions can be made for the benefit or fear of the caregiver and not the child or mother in question. This has never happened to me, thankfully, but it does happen. Where I live now, the hospital where babies are born, is - anecdotally - notorious for that. Friends who have been labouring beautifully have been drugged without consent or knowledge, coerced into being induced for no medical reason and sectioned because labour took 'too long'. So the decision to freebirth, was a no brainer honestly. Although that wouldn't stop me going in an emergency, not at all.
DS was a freebirth but decided at the very last minute. We were preparing for a homebirth, so naturally I prepared for an accidental freebirth just in case my midwife didn't make it. We moved, home birth plans were cancelled and we had to either hire a private midwife (we were going through the hospital's midwifery group practice program and had an awesome midwife who worked both in and out of the hospital) , birth in the birth centre with my MGP midwife at the hospital or freebirth. Since I was 37 weeks, there was no time to get the funds to hire a midwife, freebirth was something my fiance wasn't 100% on so we decided on the hospital's birth centre where I was planning a water birth, attended by my lovely midwife.
The universe wanted my baby to be born at home, baby wanted to be born at home and I wanted him to be born at home. And he was, it was completely out of my control and I am so greatful for the opportunity, as it has changed the person I am for the better. I had a precipitous labour, I woke to contractions a minute apart from the very start of labour and it just got more intense. I gave birth to my son, standing in the bath with the shower running over my back, and my fiance caught him. I was in labour little over an hour. There really wasnt that much time to get ready and leave for the hospital, especially since we were also waiting on my mother to come babysit our eldest, and she lived 40 minutes away, so we decided it was best to stay where I was safe and things were going well. My midwife knew I'd never make it just by hearing me work through a conrtraction but she had faith in birth and didn't try and scare us into heading to the hospital. Another midwife did ask us to call an ambulace to be on the safe side, we knew it was unecessary but agreed, just in case.
It was an incredibly empowering event, and because it was not the least bit frightening, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I know, deep in my heart, that is how my babies are supposed to be born into this world. I very much look forward to giving birth again. I will post my children's birth stories when I have the chance, I tend to reflect a lot when I read them. Remembering those awesome times in my life.
Peace, Love and Light
It's not an easy decision, to chose to freebirth. With that decision comes great responsibility, for my baby's health and wellbeing as well as my own. I have 2 children, neither of their births were traumatic or even complicated, yet I still choose to give birth without a midwife when I have my next baby. Of course, only if my baby and I are still low risk.
I choose freebirth because I completely trust birth, I accept all responsibility of the outcome, and I take on all responsibility for knowing when to seek help. I take complete responsibility for educating myself and my fiance on all aspects of birth. I don't feel I need a midwife there by my side, I trust my intuition, I trust my body works. I also, contrary to popular belief, will happily head to hospital and have a cesarean surgery if it was required. Obstetricians are there for a reason, I am very greatful they exist and will not hesitate to seek their expertise when it's needed. I'm not so selfish that I'd put my baby's life at risk just because I want the experience of a home birth.
I don't want to hand all responsibility to another person, who is not responsible for the life of the child, sometimes decisions can be made for the benefit or fear of the caregiver and not the child or mother in question. This has never happened to me, thankfully, but it does happen. Where I live now, the hospital where babies are born, is - anecdotally - notorious for that. Friends who have been labouring beautifully have been drugged without consent or knowledge, coerced into being induced for no medical reason and sectioned because labour took 'too long'. So the decision to freebirth, was a no brainer honestly. Although that wouldn't stop me going in an emergency, not at all.
DS was a freebirth but decided at the very last minute. We were preparing for a homebirth, so naturally I prepared for an accidental freebirth just in case my midwife didn't make it. We moved, home birth plans were cancelled and we had to either hire a private midwife (we were going through the hospital's midwifery group practice program and had an awesome midwife who worked both in and out of the hospital) , birth in the birth centre with my MGP midwife at the hospital or freebirth. Since I was 37 weeks, there was no time to get the funds to hire a midwife, freebirth was something my fiance wasn't 100% on so we decided on the hospital's birth centre where I was planning a water birth, attended by my lovely midwife.
The universe wanted my baby to be born at home, baby wanted to be born at home and I wanted him to be born at home. And he was, it was completely out of my control and I am so greatful for the opportunity, as it has changed the person I am for the better. I had a precipitous labour, I woke to contractions a minute apart from the very start of labour and it just got more intense. I gave birth to my son, standing in the bath with the shower running over my back, and my fiance caught him. I was in labour little over an hour. There really wasnt that much time to get ready and leave for the hospital, especially since we were also waiting on my mother to come babysit our eldest, and she lived 40 minutes away, so we decided it was best to stay where I was safe and things were going well. My midwife knew I'd never make it just by hearing me work through a conrtraction but she had faith in birth and didn't try and scare us into heading to the hospital. Another midwife did ask us to call an ambulace to be on the safe side, we knew it was unecessary but agreed, just in case.
It was an incredibly empowering event, and because it was not the least bit frightening, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I know, deep in my heart, that is how my babies are supposed to be born into this world. I very much look forward to giving birth again. I will post my children's birth stories when I have the chance, I tend to reflect a lot when I read them. Remembering those awesome times in my life.
Peace, Love and Light
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