It's official, I have just one month left until my due date. I'm starting to get nervous which is an absolute first for me, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that this is my first planned freebirth and I'm all too aware of the complications that could arise, even though I also know the likelihood of them actually happening are minimal.
I worry about severe tearing, not that I've had severe tearing with either of my kids, I was lucky I only had a 2nd degree tear with my second, a precipitous birth. I'm not entirely sure why it plays on my mind, I think mostly it's because bub is staying posterior most of the time and I know that increases the risk of tearing. I am having a waterbirth (assuming there's time and I feel like being in the water at the time) so tearing badly is not really that likely. I really want to avoid the hospital, it's not an environment I want to bring my newborn into if I can help it.
I worry about excessive bleeding, with precispitous births there's a higher chance of post partum haemorrhage, I barely bled after DS's birth which was a precipitous birth but I guess I'm going to be wondering if it will happen this time just becuse I know know it can happen. I have Shepherd's Purse tea on hand which will be made up and put in the fridge, if I begin to bleed a bit much there's no fussing around, it's already there ready to drink, I will also of course consume some placenta... as much as taking it raw really gives me the heebee jeebees. I do wonder if the increased risk includes induced birth or not, I'm guessing truly natural precipitous births don't happen often enough to get enough data to say for sure, including a physiological 3rd stage and baby being placed on the mother immediately.
I have dreams where he doesn't breathe like he should and I see myself sucking out the fluid and helping him breathe, he always pinks up and cries heartily but it scares me to dream it. I think my subconscious is reminding me that I do know what to do in certain situations, that I need not worry. I often dream he has a nuchal cord and I have to slip it over his head, always with ease. Other times he is born in the caul. Most often though, I dream his birth is very, very quick, I'll be out somewhere and suddenly labour starts and then all of a sudden I'm pushing with a whole lot of people around me.
I guess what I fear most, is having my privacy taken away from me.
We have a few things to prepare for before I feel comfortable giving birth, at the moment we're waiting for the go ahead to move. Where we are now is sending us broke and it is putting me under a lot of stress. Last time we moved when I was pregnant it was extremely stressful, I had hoped to avoid that but nope.. not going to happen it seems. I fear that stress is going to send me into labour and not the completion of my unborn son's lung development.
I have to still get something to weigh him with and I have to find something to tie off the cord with. I have to get the capsules for my encapsulated placenta but we have everything else.
Symptom-wise for this week, he's been moving a lot and hiccuping several times a day which is soooo cute. I'm still feeling rather tired and insomnia has kicked in big time. My hips are hurting a fair bit now, when I get out of bed I hear them crunch. Breastfeeding has become really uncomfortable, getting into a position that works is harder these days and my breasts have become sensitive again. It's on and off so I hope it goes away again. I'm so glad I stuck with it though, there have been times where only boobie is going to help him sleep or calm down. Also, there are some really sweet moments where I melt into a puddle of mum-goo, I wish I had this with my DD...Or that I remember them but because I had severe PND and PTSD I don't remember all that much of my daughter's first 2 years, and it breaks my heart.
I'm hungry a lot of the time, I eat to the point I feel like I'm going to explode even though it's not a huge amount of food and unfortunately due to pregnancy it takes longer to digest that food so I have to wait, making me ravenous by the time I feel comfortable to stuff my face again. I'm finding it difficult to drink enough water, I don't know how to explain it but it really takes some effort to drink what is needed. I'm never thirsty, which makes it more difficult to work out how much I need, I have always drank to thirst but it seems that's not enough because I don't pee enough and it's the wrong colour when I do...
I'm currently reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, I seriously love that woman! The more things I read where birth is spoken of as a normal thing, the less anxiety I have, when I make the mistake of watching a youtube video of a highly medicalised birth.. I stress just a bit, because that's how birth is seen for the rest of the population.. lying on a bed with monitors strapped to them , IV in the arm usually with Pit flowing, legs in stirrups while a doctor or nurse counts to ten as they purple push...it's seen as totally normal, but it's not.. it's actually really frightening to someone like me who has only ever experienced a normal physiological birth and the only time I was on the bed during my DD's birth was when my waters were broken and I discovered I was 9cm with a lip and then when I pushed on my hands and knees where the only noises were of me grunting and my mum, midiwfe and partner telling me I'm doing a great job.
I do get all teary when mum and dad meet their baby, regardless of whether it is a cesarean or not, whether it was a medicalised birth or not. Because those moments are always beautiful.
I can't wait to meet my son, the final addition to our family. I'm excited for the birth even though I feel some anxiety. I know it will hurt, but it is so, so worth it.
Until next time,
Peace, Love and Light, and thank you for following my journey :)
Showing posts with label pregnancy - dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy - dreams. Show all posts
Friday, 11 January 2013
Thursday, 3 January 2013
34 weeks 4 days
So here we are, about 6 weeks left assuming like my last 2 pregnancies, baby is ready before his due date. I know I say this all the time but gosh it has gone so fast!
So recent symptoms...
Sleep has become near impossible to achieve, when I lie on my side bub kicks and stretches and it is quite painful. His little limbs go everywhere like I've got a little octopus in there. My partner and I have joked about the ultrasound being wrong and that there's 2 in there but I'm definitely not big enough for twins ;) As much as I love being able to feel him move so much more than I remember with my other 2, it is getting more painful the bigger he gets and I want him to rotate from posterior to anterior. So I've been crawling around the house and rocking on my gym ball, my partner thinks it is hilarious of course, me big and pregnant crawling around after the kids.
I'm waddling big time, I swear I give new meaning to waddling right now. I can feel my entire body rock left to right and there's not a thing I can do to stop it, I can't help but laugh at myself.
I'm feeling the dreaded 3rd trimester exhaustion, I want to sleep ALL THE TIME, but obviously I can't with 2 little ones running around.
My belly is stretching but no sign of new stretch marks yet, if my last 2 pregnancies are anything to go by I shall be seeing them pop up in the next 2 weeks, I'm not bothered by stretch marks in the slightest, I like having new ones each time, a mark on my body to remember the pregnancy. I have a tattoo (and plan more when I'm done breastfeeding) but I admit, there's nothing more beautiful to me than one nature gives me. My skin is looking a little red and under my belly button I have a strip where it's lighter than the rest, not unlike the linea nigra, just white instead, it's something I've never come across before. My skin itches like crazy after I've eaten, and I always seem to eat too much for the tiny space left for my stomach to expand. My ribs on my right side are spreading out more than the left, it's incredibly painful.
I've started to feel nauseated and have thrown up a couple of times in the last 2 days, I hope it doesn't continue. I've noticed it is much worse when I haven't had enough sleep, or a good enough sleep. DS is nursing still but once he's nursed to sleep he generally stays asleep until about 5am when my partner gets up and plays with him so I get to stay in bed and sleep (isn't he such a sweetheart :))
We have been discussing what is going to happen when bub gets here, I've pretty much told my DF that I will not be refusing to nurse DS. He was never totally ok with DS nursing past 2 (because unless it's happening it's hard to imagine, when DD weaned at 16 months I couldn't imagine nursing a 20 month old.. now I am and it's just as normal as it was to nurse a newborn), or tandem but has realised it's just out of our control if we don't want to resort to Cry-It-Out. I think he is still secretly hoping DS will wean but I know it won't be happening, he nurses to sleep most times and whenever he's hurt or upset.
We will be moving in the next week or so, so I'll finally be able to start nesting. I'm in love with the new place, there's a bath so I don't have to worry too much about needing a pool to labour and birth in. Also, it's not so close to any of the neighbours, we'll be on 1/2 an acre so I won't be worrying about the neighbours calling the cops thinking I'm being murdered or something horrible like that if I happen to roar my baby out this time.
I keep dreaming about the birth. Very strange dreams where my back is aching and all of a sudden I get the urge to push and pop, out comes baby. I can keep dreaming about a painless labour even though I know it's unlikely to happen. I catch myself thinking about what he will look like, whether he will cry or not (DS didn't cry, he just cooed and made those sweet little baby sounds newborns do), will he be an easy labour or will be be more difficult, will he be born in the caul or not, will my son and daughter be there or will they be asleep, will one be up and not the other, will labour begin at night or during the day... I try very hard not to focus on the negatives, like what if he needs help after being born, if I need help during labour, what if I need a c-section or something. I'm reading about complications constantly, reading out what I'm reading while my partner sits beside me and listens. We discuss what could happen, what we would do, what would need to happen if ____ was to happen. Necessary of course, we have a backup plan but I hope very much that we never need to resort to that.
My mother in law is coming up to visit, she's planning to come up a couple of days before my due date. I'm not entirely sure if I'll be asking her to attend the birth or not, assuming bub isn't born by then. She's fully aware we're planning to freebirth, she even knows I'm doing my own prenatal care, and you know what's cool about that?? She's totally fine with it!! She says she trusts us and trusts our baby will be born safely, whether or not it includes hospital transfer. My parents are ambulance officers so I have not and will not be telling them, I know they will only worry.
I am planning to record the birth, I may or may not edit to share on youtube but I want people to see physiological birth.
And that's all for now, DS is nursing to sleep but it's difficult to type and nurse a toddler while pregnant ;)
So recent symptoms...
Sleep has become near impossible to achieve, when I lie on my side bub kicks and stretches and it is quite painful. His little limbs go everywhere like I've got a little octopus in there. My partner and I have joked about the ultrasound being wrong and that there's 2 in there but I'm definitely not big enough for twins ;) As much as I love being able to feel him move so much more than I remember with my other 2, it is getting more painful the bigger he gets and I want him to rotate from posterior to anterior. So I've been crawling around the house and rocking on my gym ball, my partner thinks it is hilarious of course, me big and pregnant crawling around after the kids.
I'm waddling big time, I swear I give new meaning to waddling right now. I can feel my entire body rock left to right and there's not a thing I can do to stop it, I can't help but laugh at myself.
I'm feeling the dreaded 3rd trimester exhaustion, I want to sleep ALL THE TIME, but obviously I can't with 2 little ones running around.
My belly is stretching but no sign of new stretch marks yet, if my last 2 pregnancies are anything to go by I shall be seeing them pop up in the next 2 weeks, I'm not bothered by stretch marks in the slightest, I like having new ones each time, a mark on my body to remember the pregnancy. I have a tattoo (and plan more when I'm done breastfeeding) but I admit, there's nothing more beautiful to me than one nature gives me. My skin is looking a little red and under my belly button I have a strip where it's lighter than the rest, not unlike the linea nigra, just white instead, it's something I've never come across before. My skin itches like crazy after I've eaten, and I always seem to eat too much for the tiny space left for my stomach to expand. My ribs on my right side are spreading out more than the left, it's incredibly painful.
I've started to feel nauseated and have thrown up a couple of times in the last 2 days, I hope it doesn't continue. I've noticed it is much worse when I haven't had enough sleep, or a good enough sleep. DS is nursing still but once he's nursed to sleep he generally stays asleep until about 5am when my partner gets up and plays with him so I get to stay in bed and sleep (isn't he such a sweetheart :))
We have been discussing what is going to happen when bub gets here, I've pretty much told my DF that I will not be refusing to nurse DS. He was never totally ok with DS nursing past 2 (because unless it's happening it's hard to imagine, when DD weaned at 16 months I couldn't imagine nursing a 20 month old.. now I am and it's just as normal as it was to nurse a newborn), or tandem but has realised it's just out of our control if we don't want to resort to Cry-It-Out. I think he is still secretly hoping DS will wean but I know it won't be happening, he nurses to sleep most times and whenever he's hurt or upset.
We will be moving in the next week or so, so I'll finally be able to start nesting. I'm in love with the new place, there's a bath so I don't have to worry too much about needing a pool to labour and birth in. Also, it's not so close to any of the neighbours, we'll be on 1/2 an acre so I won't be worrying about the neighbours calling the cops thinking I'm being murdered or something horrible like that if I happen to roar my baby out this time.
I keep dreaming about the birth. Very strange dreams where my back is aching and all of a sudden I get the urge to push and pop, out comes baby. I can keep dreaming about a painless labour even though I know it's unlikely to happen. I catch myself thinking about what he will look like, whether he will cry or not (DS didn't cry, he just cooed and made those sweet little baby sounds newborns do), will he be an easy labour or will be be more difficult, will he be born in the caul or not, will my son and daughter be there or will they be asleep, will one be up and not the other, will labour begin at night or during the day... I try very hard not to focus on the negatives, like what if he needs help after being born, if I need help during labour, what if I need a c-section or something. I'm reading about complications constantly, reading out what I'm reading while my partner sits beside me and listens. We discuss what could happen, what we would do, what would need to happen if ____ was to happen. Necessary of course, we have a backup plan but I hope very much that we never need to resort to that.
My mother in law is coming up to visit, she's planning to come up a couple of days before my due date. I'm not entirely sure if I'll be asking her to attend the birth or not, assuming bub isn't born by then. She's fully aware we're planning to freebirth, she even knows I'm doing my own prenatal care, and you know what's cool about that?? She's totally fine with it!! She says she trusts us and trusts our baby will be born safely, whether or not it includes hospital transfer. My parents are ambulance officers so I have not and will not be telling them, I know they will only worry.
I am planning to record the birth, I may or may not edit to share on youtube but I want people to see physiological birth.
And that's all for now, DS is nursing to sleep but it's difficult to type and nurse a toddler while pregnant ;)
Thursday, 13 December 2012
31 weeks 3 days
So it's been a bit longer than I planned, but I finally have the time to update :)
This week has been interesting so far, bub dropped yesterday causing me a bit of discomfort, especially in my back. It was a rather stressful day and we did a bit of walking so when I started to feel achy I decided to check my cervix to make sure nothing was changing. I preferred to make sure things myself before heading to the hospital because I know they would have done exactly the same thing besides they would have checked for contractions which I am certain I was not having (no tightness at any stage and no pain, I was just a bit achy). I had my partner double check as he's just as aware of what happens to my body during pregnancy and just prior to birth. My cervix was high, posterior soft but not thinning and it was maybe 1cm dilated - which I know to be normal, more for mothers who have had more than one baby. I lose bits of my mucous plug over the last few months of my pregnancies, starting earlier each time but it regenerates so I'm not bothered by it, besides feeling a bit yuck ;) What surprised me was that I could feel bub's head in front of my cervix, which explained the aching ligaments and heavy feeling. I looked at my belly and then compared it to a photo taken the previous week and the change was obvious. I'm glad because I can take deeper breaths than I have been able to but I'm not sure how long it (easier breathing) will last, DS1 was 3/5ths engaged at 36 weeks then bobbed back up and down until the morning I gave birth at 39 weeks. At the moment I have no concerns about premature labour but am keeping an eye on things a bit more than I was, only because it's my reponsibility to be aware and get help if things change.
My fundus is measuring 31 weeks even with bub's head low, he's going through his growth spurt I'm sure. There's been a lot of growth around, at 28+5 my belly was 102cm around, now it's 106cm, at 26+6 it was 101cm.
Here's a pic taken 30+4:
and yesterday:
At the moment he's clearly posterior, I can easily feel his legs at the front and little hands like to scrape at my pubic bone and hips. Sometimes he moves and I'll get a foot sticking out near my navel, it's so weird because I have never had a bub in a posterior position this late in pregnancy before, I always wanted to experience a leg coming out the front... now I have. I'm quite sure the position of the placenta is the reason he's chilling out where he is and not LOA like my other 2, that and there's plenty of room and no tight muscles so he's floating around doing whatever.
I've started having dreams of his birth, mostly strange ones. Some nightmares because I'm treated badly, there's a huge amount of people watching and trying to intervene when it's dangerous to do so, not because of the birth itself. The moment I meet my baby boy is always joyful, and he's always the chubbiest baby I've ever seen! I can't wait to see if my baby the chubby baby in my dreams and not just a figment of my imagination.
I'm still breastfeeding, I'm certain DS will not wean willingly before bub is born so I'm getting myself used to the idea of tandem. It doesn't bother me anymore, before it just filled me with worry... would DS even let his brother nurse, will he fight or will it be a bonding thing for them....
Only time will tell..
Well that's it for the time being. I'll do my absolute best not to leave it so long between updates, in 8 weeks or so I'll have a birth story to share! I'm so excited :D
Peace, Love & Light xo
This week has been interesting so far, bub dropped yesterday causing me a bit of discomfort, especially in my back. It was a rather stressful day and we did a bit of walking so when I started to feel achy I decided to check my cervix to make sure nothing was changing. I preferred to make sure things myself before heading to the hospital because I know they would have done exactly the same thing besides they would have checked for contractions which I am certain I was not having (no tightness at any stage and no pain, I was just a bit achy). I had my partner double check as he's just as aware of what happens to my body during pregnancy and just prior to birth. My cervix was high, posterior soft but not thinning and it was maybe 1cm dilated - which I know to be normal, more for mothers who have had more than one baby. I lose bits of my mucous plug over the last few months of my pregnancies, starting earlier each time but it regenerates so I'm not bothered by it, besides feeling a bit yuck ;) What surprised me was that I could feel bub's head in front of my cervix, which explained the aching ligaments and heavy feeling. I looked at my belly and then compared it to a photo taken the previous week and the change was obvious. I'm glad because I can take deeper breaths than I have been able to but I'm not sure how long it (easier breathing) will last, DS1 was 3/5ths engaged at 36 weeks then bobbed back up and down until the morning I gave birth at 39 weeks. At the moment I have no concerns about premature labour but am keeping an eye on things a bit more than I was, only because it's my reponsibility to be aware and get help if things change.
My fundus is measuring 31 weeks even with bub's head low, he's going through his growth spurt I'm sure. There's been a lot of growth around, at 28+5 my belly was 102cm around, now it's 106cm, at 26+6 it was 101cm.
Here's a pic taken 30+4:
At the moment he's clearly posterior, I can easily feel his legs at the front and little hands like to scrape at my pubic bone and hips. Sometimes he moves and I'll get a foot sticking out near my navel, it's so weird because I have never had a bub in a posterior position this late in pregnancy before, I always wanted to experience a leg coming out the front... now I have. I'm quite sure the position of the placenta is the reason he's chilling out where he is and not LOA like my other 2, that and there's plenty of room and no tight muscles so he's floating around doing whatever.
I've started having dreams of his birth, mostly strange ones. Some nightmares because I'm treated badly, there's a huge amount of people watching and trying to intervene when it's dangerous to do so, not because of the birth itself. The moment I meet my baby boy is always joyful, and he's always the chubbiest baby I've ever seen! I can't wait to see if my baby the chubby baby in my dreams and not just a figment of my imagination.
I'm still breastfeeding, I'm certain DS will not wean willingly before bub is born so I'm getting myself used to the idea of tandem. It doesn't bother me anymore, before it just filled me with worry... would DS even let his brother nurse, will he fight or will it be a bonding thing for them....
Only time will tell..
Well that's it for the time being. I'll do my absolute best not to leave it so long between updates, in 8 weeks or so I'll have a birth story to share! I'm so excited :D
Peace, Love & Light xo
Saturday, 22 September 2012
19 weeks 6 days, Update, Pregnancy dreams, thoughts on birth.
Just one more day and I'm halfway! Also, I have my ultrasound this coming Thursday.
I have a strong feeling baby is a girl, I'm going to be surprised it it isn't.
I had a dream on the 25th, where I was 'told' the sex of the baby. In my dream, my fiance was going to bake a cake to reveal the sex following the ultrasound. I was in the kitchen where he was going to make it, and he had written the sex on a blackboard and then covered it with paper so I couldn't see. When I walked past the blackboard, as I was leaving, the paper fell revealing the sex. Girl, it said. Plain as day.
I have since found it difficult to refer to baby as anything but a little girl, but until the ultrasound I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment. If baby is a boy, yes, I will be thrilled, but I can't say I won't feel a little disappointed.. only because I am so 'sure'.
I had dreams with my other 2, my first was the most vivid, and memorable. I was in a forest, talking to a little girl, around 7 or 8 years old. She had long, straight dark blonde hair and she had blue eyes. I was telling her about the trees, and how when the tree is cut you count the rings to see how old it was. I was between 9 and 15 weeks pregnant at the time, if I had to guess I would have said girl.
Fast forward to 37 weeks and 5 days, I give birth. My baby girl, a little blonde, blue eyed beauty. Fast forward again, she's 3.5, her hair, eyes are exactly the same as the girl in my dream.
I do believe dreams can tell us things, I do not know if it is my own inner knowledge or baby connecting with me to tell me though.
I didn't have quite as vivid dreams with DS. I just knew he was a boy, even well before conception. Almost like he chose me, and my heart knew to look forward to him joining me in this life. The night before the ultrasound that told us without a doubt, baby was a boy, I was second guessing my own intuituion. That night, I dreamed of my baby boy. I couldn't see his face, unlike with my DD, but I had no doubt he was a boy after that.
Now, I think you can understand why I have faith in my dreams. They aren't always wrong, especially when it comes to baby's sex.
We'll just have to wait until Thursday so see if once again, I was right.
And now onto my pregnancy update!
As I mentioned, I'm nearly halfway. I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going!
I am still suffering from morning sickness (or hypermesis...) today, I have been sick all morning. It is draining beyond belief. I hope I get some relief soon.
I am gaining weight, slowly, and my belly is big and round. It is very obvious now that I am pregnant. We were out shopping and one of my partner's friends who we haven't seen in a while spotted us, the first thing out his mouth was 'You're pregnant!' hahaha ;) I thought it was awesome, since I can't see what others can, it's nice not to worry if I just look fat.
DS and I are still nursing, I have next to no milk left, I think it is mostly colostrum now, but it changes throughout the day so I can't be certain. After DS nurses to sleep, I will have thin white milk but after a while it will thicken and go a more yellow colour. He's happy to keep nursing, but I hope he weans before I get too much further along. DS turned 17 months on the 17th, this the longest I have nursed, as DD weaned shortly before she turned 17 months. When we get to 18 months, I will have reached the goal I had so hoped to reach with DD, then, I think I won't feel guilty if he weans.
Emotionally, I feel all over the place.
A few of my friends have had babies in the past couple of weeks. I couldn't help but feel heartbroken for one who went in for an induction at 41 weeks, which turned into a cesarean. I don't know how she feels about it, and I don't think she is ready to speak about it. I hope she never feels like she failed.
Another friend had a baby this week, she had a difficult labour with her first, second time around active labour was 2.5 hours. She is thrilled to say the least, because she went drug-free, like she wanted.
I look to other people's birthing experiences, to learn to support them. I can't know the right things to say when I haven't been there and experienced it myself. I worry, all the time, that I will say the wrong thing. When a friend has a great experience, I share their joy, because I have felt it. When a friend shares their difficult/painful/traumatic experience, all I can do is give them a hug, and validate their feelings. I tell them, it's ok to feel like this, it's your experience and nobody has the right to tell you it didn't matter, as long as baby was healthy. It's ok to grieve for that birth you dreamed of, it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel it.
One of my best friends had a very traumatic birth, enough that she is not having any more babies because of it. I was lost, I didn't know what to say to her, so I just let her talk. Afterwards, we had a stronger friendship, and I could see a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. I can see, how important it is, to let a woman grieve for the birth she wanted, and to feel whatever she feels about the birth she did have, and be allowed to share her feelings without any judgement. Because of that friend, I felt it was my mission in life to help, in any way I could, to either be there to prevent it from becoming traumatic or to be there when she needs an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.
I realised, more than ever, Birth Matters.
Speaking with my fiance, about my feelings about our upcoming freebirth, it got me thinking. I am doing something that is far from accepted, and far from what is normal. It makes people uncomfortable, but why? Why does it frighten people who don't even know me, enough to tell me I'm doing something dangerous, stupid and selfish. Is it their own experiences or is it just because society has been led to believe birth is dangerous. What is it exactly, that scares people about birth the most? And why is it, when you aren't afraid, they think there is something wrong with you.
I have never felt more secure with my decision to freebirth, as you know from reading my blog, we planned to freebirth even before conception. Now that I'm pregnant, it's real, not something we're just discussing. The knowledge that we're doing it alone, is exciting, it's empowering. The only thing I feel we need a professional for, is to do the newborn health check in the days after the birth... something I am not trained in doing, I'd rather leave that to a midwife.
I had no idea my mother in law knew about our freebirth plans, DF told me last night she knows and she has complete faith in us. I'm completely blown away. It's one thing to be totally cool with us not vaccinating, but to be totally supportive of a freebirth is amazing. I know if she could be there, she would be, holding my hand as I ride the waves. She is coming up, after the birth, I get the feeling she knows we need our space before the birth. Also, she's not worried about us, so she feels there is no need to be there. She does not see birth as an emergency, and I am greatful.
Hmm... I've run out of things to write about right now. I tend to write what I am thinking. I will eventually get to part 2 of my breastfeeding experience with my DD. It was a traumatic event that happened which I plan to write about, but as of yet, I'm not quite ready. I am still trying to organise my thoughts on that. I still hold a lot of anger. I will update on thursday after the ultrasound, and if I manage, I hope to attend the Freedom for Birth screening which is happening locally that same night. If I do go, I will write a review :) I will also start sharing belly photos, I've learned how to use our new camera with the tripod so I can take decent ones haha.
Until next time. Peace, Love and Light xo
I have a strong feeling baby is a girl, I'm going to be surprised it it isn't.
I had a dream on the 25th, where I was 'told' the sex of the baby. In my dream, my fiance was going to bake a cake to reveal the sex following the ultrasound. I was in the kitchen where he was going to make it, and he had written the sex on a blackboard and then covered it with paper so I couldn't see. When I walked past the blackboard, as I was leaving, the paper fell revealing the sex. Girl, it said. Plain as day.
I have since found it difficult to refer to baby as anything but a little girl, but until the ultrasound I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment. If baby is a boy, yes, I will be thrilled, but I can't say I won't feel a little disappointed.. only because I am so 'sure'.
I had dreams with my other 2, my first was the most vivid, and memorable. I was in a forest, talking to a little girl, around 7 or 8 years old. She had long, straight dark blonde hair and she had blue eyes. I was telling her about the trees, and how when the tree is cut you count the rings to see how old it was. I was between 9 and 15 weeks pregnant at the time, if I had to guess I would have said girl.
Fast forward to 37 weeks and 5 days, I give birth. My baby girl, a little blonde, blue eyed beauty. Fast forward again, she's 3.5, her hair, eyes are exactly the same as the girl in my dream.
I do believe dreams can tell us things, I do not know if it is my own inner knowledge or baby connecting with me to tell me though.
I didn't have quite as vivid dreams with DS. I just knew he was a boy, even well before conception. Almost like he chose me, and my heart knew to look forward to him joining me in this life. The night before the ultrasound that told us without a doubt, baby was a boy, I was second guessing my own intuituion. That night, I dreamed of my baby boy. I couldn't see his face, unlike with my DD, but I had no doubt he was a boy after that.
Now, I think you can understand why I have faith in my dreams. They aren't always wrong, especially when it comes to baby's sex.
We'll just have to wait until Thursday so see if once again, I was right.
And now onto my pregnancy update!
As I mentioned, I'm nearly halfway. I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going!
I am still suffering from morning sickness (or hypermesis...) today, I have been sick all morning. It is draining beyond belief. I hope I get some relief soon.
I am gaining weight, slowly, and my belly is big and round. It is very obvious now that I am pregnant. We were out shopping and one of my partner's friends who we haven't seen in a while spotted us, the first thing out his mouth was 'You're pregnant!' hahaha ;) I thought it was awesome, since I can't see what others can, it's nice not to worry if I just look fat.
DS and I are still nursing, I have next to no milk left, I think it is mostly colostrum now, but it changes throughout the day so I can't be certain. After DS nurses to sleep, I will have thin white milk but after a while it will thicken and go a more yellow colour. He's happy to keep nursing, but I hope he weans before I get too much further along. DS turned 17 months on the 17th, this the longest I have nursed, as DD weaned shortly before she turned 17 months. When we get to 18 months, I will have reached the goal I had so hoped to reach with DD, then, I think I won't feel guilty if he weans.
Emotionally, I feel all over the place.
A few of my friends have had babies in the past couple of weeks. I couldn't help but feel heartbroken for one who went in for an induction at 41 weeks, which turned into a cesarean. I don't know how she feels about it, and I don't think she is ready to speak about it. I hope she never feels like she failed.
Another friend had a baby this week, she had a difficult labour with her first, second time around active labour was 2.5 hours. She is thrilled to say the least, because she went drug-free, like she wanted.
I look to other people's birthing experiences, to learn to support them. I can't know the right things to say when I haven't been there and experienced it myself. I worry, all the time, that I will say the wrong thing. When a friend has a great experience, I share their joy, because I have felt it. When a friend shares their difficult/painful/traumatic experience, all I can do is give them a hug, and validate their feelings. I tell them, it's ok to feel like this, it's your experience and nobody has the right to tell you it didn't matter, as long as baby was healthy. It's ok to grieve for that birth you dreamed of, it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel it.
One of my best friends had a very traumatic birth, enough that she is not having any more babies because of it. I was lost, I didn't know what to say to her, so I just let her talk. Afterwards, we had a stronger friendship, and I could see a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. I can see, how important it is, to let a woman grieve for the birth she wanted, and to feel whatever she feels about the birth she did have, and be allowed to share her feelings without any judgement. Because of that friend, I felt it was my mission in life to help, in any way I could, to either be there to prevent it from becoming traumatic or to be there when she needs an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.
I realised, more than ever, Birth Matters.
Speaking with my fiance, about my feelings about our upcoming freebirth, it got me thinking. I am doing something that is far from accepted, and far from what is normal. It makes people uncomfortable, but why? Why does it frighten people who don't even know me, enough to tell me I'm doing something dangerous, stupid and selfish. Is it their own experiences or is it just because society has been led to believe birth is dangerous. What is it exactly, that scares people about birth the most? And why is it, when you aren't afraid, they think there is something wrong with you.
I have never felt more secure with my decision to freebirth, as you know from reading my blog, we planned to freebirth even before conception. Now that I'm pregnant, it's real, not something we're just discussing. The knowledge that we're doing it alone, is exciting, it's empowering. The only thing I feel we need a professional for, is to do the newborn health check in the days after the birth... something I am not trained in doing, I'd rather leave that to a midwife.
I had no idea my mother in law knew about our freebirth plans, DF told me last night she knows and she has complete faith in us. I'm completely blown away. It's one thing to be totally cool with us not vaccinating, but to be totally supportive of a freebirth is amazing. I know if she could be there, she would be, holding my hand as I ride the waves. She is coming up, after the birth, I get the feeling she knows we need our space before the birth. Also, she's not worried about us, so she feels there is no need to be there. She does not see birth as an emergency, and I am greatful.
Hmm... I've run out of things to write about right now. I tend to write what I am thinking. I will eventually get to part 2 of my breastfeeding experience with my DD. It was a traumatic event that happened which I plan to write about, but as of yet, I'm not quite ready. I am still trying to organise my thoughts on that. I still hold a lot of anger. I will update on thursday after the ultrasound, and if I manage, I hope to attend the Freedom for Birth screening which is happening locally that same night. If I do go, I will write a review :) I will also start sharing belly photos, I've learned how to use our new camera with the tripod so I can take decent ones haha.
Until next time. Peace, Love and Light xo
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