So nursing moms.. how long have you been going? How many babies have you nursed? How many "obstacles" have you overcome?
This question popped up on my facebook feed this morning, and it got me thinking about my first breastfeeding experience with my DD. It was pretty rough in the first few months, I'm not sure why I kept breastfeeding, I didn't actually know if I would EVER breastfeed without pain. Before giving birth, I never gave breastfeeding much thought I just assumed I didn't need to/couldn't prepare myself until our first try. I knew I was going to try it, I knew how important it was to breastfeed for at least 6 months. I wish I at least watched a youtube video before giving birth, I could have avoided so much pain.
I'll start from the beginning.
Straight after giving birth, once I was lying down and comfortable my midwife latched on my DD, I was not really focused on much, everything was a blur around me. I remember talking to my dad on the phone and then looking down at my daughter nursing. This was the part that had frightened me during pregnancy, and while I was pushing. She was born, it was time to take care of her. Because I had never spent much more than an hour with a newborn in my life, I had no idea what I was doing, I was extremely vulnerable to advice, I listened to EVERYONE.
My mother in law had told me what it was like for her to nurse my partner, and I am so greatful she didn't sugar coat it, I would not have breastfed past a few days if not. I am sure of that. She told me how his latch was bad for the first few weeks it was agony and how she was nursing him and he was drinking blood from her cracked nippes. She told me this was ok, and that it's something that can be fixed, the blood won't make the baby sick. I held onto that information, close to my heart. It didn't help me gain the corouge to ask for help when I was experiencing the same thing, I had to get everything perfect because I was a teen mum, I didn't want to look like it was hard. My logic astounds me now.
The first night my nurse told me because my daughter was very small (2580g, just 80g less and she would be classed as low birth weight), I was not to let her sleep for more than 4 hours without a feed. In my sleep deprived state (it was 11 at night when I was moved to the postpartum ward - DD was born at 8:21pm) I heard 'Feed her every 4 hours' it stuck in my head, so that's what I did, even after we went home, I never let her comfort nurse I didn't know what it was. Every 4 hours she would come in to check our vitals and I'd wake my DD and the nurse would get her out (with my tailbone any movement was excruciating, even with pain meds) and she would help me nurse. By help, I mean pinching my nipple and shoving it into my DD's not quite wide open mouth. It hurt so much, I cried every time.
This continued through to the shift change the next morning, this new nurse did very much the same thing as the previous nurse, I would buzz and she would get my DD out of the cot and help latch her on. I had my family visit, I didn't really talk much, I really only wanted to sleep while they had a cuddle. My partner came first thing that morning, he had to leave at 12 the night of the birth which was one of the reasons I planned a homebirth next time around, he took a video of me attempting to breastfeed, struggling to get her to wake up. This make me sad when I see it, I was drowning and only I know I was. I did everything I could to get my DD to latch on my own, but I kept failing. I was getting blood blisters and my milk was coming in. I had to get it right before engorgement set in, I told myself. I broke down on the night of my day 1 when my partner left. That night I co-slept, I had a great nurse she helped me co-sleep safely so I didn't have to hurt myself getting out of bed and she was a bit more helpful with breastfeeding, she guided me rather than latched her on for me, I could see what I needed to do but still didn't quite get it.
The next day, I tried our nursing on my own, it still hurt like crazy but it looked better, my nipples went numb after a few minutes so I thought 'Great, I got this!' because it didn't 'hurt' exactly. I wanted to go home. I had enough of the hospital and demanded they discharge me. We gave DD a bath then we were discharged. (A paediatrician saw DD twice while we in hospital, the day after the birth and the day we left)
I was so glad to be home, I thought I was starting to 'get' breastfeeding, I knew to try to get her to open her mouth wide. I was engorged the next morning and I had deep bleeding cracks by the afternoon. In the first week I almost got by without a dummy, but gave in, week 2 was hell but I had some sanity back from the dummy, I could calm her down better before I nursed her. I was a mess every single time she would wake, which we end up having to calm DD down because I'm stressing out so much. The moment she would sound like she was hungry I cried and started to shake. I was dileriously sleep deprived, at one point I was terrified of her. Then my midwife visited. She saw the cracks told me to try the football hold and to use paw paw ointment to help the cracks heal and to express milk and put that on the cracks then air dry. She helped me with the football hold and it was much much better. I didn't have gums chew me anymore. She said because my breasts are big and DD was so tiny, the clutch hold I was doing won't really work yet. She encouraged me and assured me DD was gaining well. I had strength to keep going. I don't regret giving her a dummy, even though I refused to use one with my DS, I do wish I had experienced comfort nursing with her because they can be such sweet moments, especially when they drift off to asleep.
Near the end of week 2 I was nursing her in the football hold every single feed and because I had broken my tailbone during the birth I spent most of those times perched on the end of the bed with a towel underneath my bottom hunched over holding her to my breast. Possibly the worst position to try breastfeeding in. I would do it the whole half hour or so it took for her to get full and I would be shaking from the pain before the end. I was learning by trial and error. I joined a Livejournal breastfeeding comminity - back in the day before there were the facebook groups we have today - and begged for advice. I was sent links, videos and lots of engouragement and advice. I wasn't alone anymore, some of these women have had gone through so much, I felt confident again.
I watched a youtube video (I can't find it anymore but if I do I'll link it) and I finally understood what breastfeeding was all about, it's more than just food, I CAN enjoy it. I started to get it but it still was so painful, I began to suspect tongue tie but didn't mention it until her first lot of vaccinations, my doc assumed all was well with breastfeeding (remember I was pretending it was easy) he said it wasn't necessary and we didn't discuss it further. By week 3 I was ready to throw in the towel, it was in the middle of the night and I just couldn't do it anymore. DF was doing everything he could to support me, he would be up all hours sterilzing my breastpump because DD wouldn't latch when I was too full. When I gave up, he supported me too, knowing how much I needed it as much as it killed me. We drove to the all-night service station and grabbed a tin of formula, secretly screaming at myself 'NO, DON'T!'. I was relieved when we tried to pay and the card was declined, we didn't have enough money, no cash, so we left quite embarassed to be honest. The assistant offered to give us a discount but we declined because I had I told my partner it must be a sign, I'm supposed to breastfeed. We got home and feeling better, I continued to breastfeed.
My first week alone was difficult, I'd get stuck on the couch with my DD sleeping on my chest because of my tailbone, it was still very painful, by now I had worked out it was broken. I was also very uncomfortable holding her and moving her. I was scared I would hurt her. If it was time for DF to get home from work I would wait for help but if not, I'd hurt myself getting up. I learnt not to lie down with her. The cracks were beginning to heal and now I was better at breastfeeding. I hadn't mastered lying down yet, I found I couldn't get her to latch right that way. Then I started getting pains in my upper abdomen, it was a slow start to what was leading up to a traumatic and painful time of my life.
To be continued in part 2.
No comments:
Post a Comment