Baby A.N.C 2/7/18-7/2/18

My baby was born. He is no longer here, he passed away at 5 days old.
I will write everything as it happened, there will be things you may not want to read, especially the death of my baby boy.
It was not the journey I anticipated.
The birth was as good as it could get, but my baby was not well from the very beginning.

The last weeks of pregnancy I was asked a few times about induction, and I listened to my gut instinct to say no. At 39 weeks the consultant ran though the reasons but respected my decision to wait for labour and wait I did.

From 38 weeks I started experiencing prodromal labour, it was frustrating and uncomfortable, I kept worrying that I would not get signs of early labour and accidentally birth at home. My body knew what it needed to do though. I need to remember that.

At 40 weeks and 1 day, I noticed a couple of small, very small gushes. I assumed it was either a small leak or just usual end of pregnancy discharge so I ignored it and kept on with my day. We went for a long drive that night and I was once again dealing with prodromal labour, but I had a feeling that it was going to become something. Just something instinctual.
When we got home, I lied in bed and noticed a few more small leaks, but once again ignored them. I watched the movie Sunshine, every few nights I would watch a movie or a show to distract myself from the prodromal labour and eventually fall asleep. I was up and down what felt a million times to pee, more so than usual, which was really often anyway. At 1030pm that night, after the movie had finished I went to the toilet and noticed the leak was pink tinged. I smelled it and knew it was my waters. I knew my baby was going to be born very soon.

My partner went to bed around this time, I hesitated saying anything because I was in a bit of denial, but said 'heads up, I think my waters are leaking so I will just wait for some proper contractions' and we went to bed.

At 2am I noticed I was getting some waves, with a bit more kick to them than I had been having. They were similar enough to my last baby, where the pressure was down low instead of sharp pains across the lower part of my belly. I focused on these waves and noticed they were not regular but coming and seeming to get a little stronger at times. I got out of bed and peed again, noticing more pink fluid. I was uncomfortable enough that I went to lie down on the lounge for a bit. With more back and forth to the toilet. My bowels cleared, and then I knew, I was in early labour.
I noticed the contractions were getting stronger and at around 420am I decided to download a contraction app and time my contractions. I don't usually do that when in labour but I knew it would be helpful information for the midwife when I called.

I timed them from 0421 to 0437 and they were between 5 and 3 minutes apart, lasting between 30 and 50 seconds. So I decided to snuggle into bed next to my partner and wake him, I told him I was in labour but I didn't know when to call his mum who would come watch the kids. He decided to call straight away and it was a good thing he did.
He made a comment about getting what I mean about my waters, he said I smelled like kittens. That birthy smell.

While we waited for his mum, I got my bags ready and texted my student midwife and then called the women's assessment. I said to the midwife I was coming in, I was having contractions and felt they became proper labour around 2am when I woke up but I had suspected I was leaking fluid from about 10pm, and that baby had a cardiac condition so I wasn't going to wait for them to get stronger. She said since this was my 5th baby I knew what I was doing and that she would see me when I arrived.

My MIL arrived and we left almost straight away, the contractions were getting stronger, although not by much or any closer.
I didn't have many in the car on the way, being almost 5am it wasn't a long drive, we were there quite quickly. When we got to the hospital I had one contraction as I was getting out the car, and two more on the walk to women's assessment where I was taken in and put on the monitor. The contractions fizzled, I started to doubt it was labour until I got one good one every now and then.
I was on the monitor maybe 20 minutes before I was moved to my room. It was huge not the claustrophobic room I had been shown during my pregnancy, I felt pretty comfortable and my student was there waiting.
The midwife introduced herself and we found out she had the same name as my daughter, and that she was fine with me having bubs heartbeat checked every 15 minutes instead of constant monitoring, but she got the wireless ones anyway just in case there was a sign that meant CFM was a good idea, I was fine with that. We discussed what would happen when I needed to pus, I was surprised with the fact that there would not be just one or two extras, but 4, a paed, two other drs and a NICU nurse. I asked if they would wait behind the curtain until we needed them and that was fine. I would definitely let them know when I was feeling an urge to push so they would be ready and waiting.

We just chatted for a bit, I went through what early labour was like and that I was pretty sure I was leaking. I stood for a while and eventually got on the birth ball. Things were just so easy, I kept thinking how odd this labour was and that it just wasn't picking up like I expected.
Shift change happened an hour in, and I met my new midwife, she was just as lovely and used to work with the MGP and did homebirths so she was definitely the right kind of midwife for me. She was reassuring and kept telling me my body knew what it was doing for my baby's condition. Things I wasn't thinking myself, and it was definitely the kind of support I needed.

I watched the sun rise, and the OB came in and introduced himself, he basically said he was happy with my birth plan and wanted to know if I would be open to changing things if something happened and I just said of course I was, I was in hospital for my baby, and I would do what it took to make sure he arrived safely. I was still having such random contractions, I swear every 10 minutes I would get a good one and then they would go weaker again.
I lied in bed for a little while and then decided to get out and have a shower, I was having the occasional strong contraction that made me make a lot of noise.
I was crying at this point and cried harder when I was in the shower. I was starting to get very emotional and ended up bawling in the shower. I just had this overwhelming sense that something was not right. Baby was doing fine but I felt so strongly that he wouldn't be. I was in the shower for a while and the irregularity and lack of intensity of the contractions were bothering me a lot. They seemed to stop altogether for a while. I checked myself and when the midwife heard me say I had, she asked what I thought I was, my guess was about 8. The drs came in and were waiting, getting everything set up knowing I would surprise them with the speed of how fast I birth my babies. In hindsight I was complete. It was a few contractions where I started to doubt myself and checked again, I felt what I thought was a 2cm cervix and lost control, I said I didn't think I was 8 and that it was gong to be a long time. We sent the drs out. Little did I know at the time, I was actually poking my baby's mouth.
I had enough of the shower, thinking birth was a long way off I got back into bed, my back hurting s lot. My student midwife got me a heat pack and held it to my back while I lied there and tried to nap. I was so exhausted, I kept crying about how tired I was, the contractions never really got to a point where I felt things were moving along. I started to worry that I would end with a cesarean because bub would get distressed.
Then my waters went pop, very loudly and I didn't feel a gush but pushed ever so slightly and felt the water come out a little. The next contraction hurt a lot, I started to panic. The pressure was intense and between contractions I looked at my partner and said, I think I am pushing. he immediately sprung into action and started putting the blankets on the floor, surprising everyone in the room. I got down and immediately needed to push hard. I couldn't control it. I held onto my partner and panicked even more and it wasn't until I heard the midwife coach me into breathing that I managed to calm down. I pushed hard again and tried so hard to fight it, I felt bubs head move down. next push babys head came out, the urge didn't go so I kept pushing and he just slipped out into my hands. I heard a collective woah and then someone said he was tangled, but I said no, his cord was very short. He was also very small, it didn't seem real.

He didn't cry immediately, he made some noises but I wasn't happy with them so I rubbed his back and talked to him like I would normally do regardless of where I was. I remember looking up and seeing the paed in front of me and after a little while she asked to check his oxygen, I said yes and she jumped up and got the little monitor and stuck it on him and sat by me. I saw the levels were in the 60s and so I asked what she was looking for, she said 80s and asked if she could take him to NICU. I started to cry, because I felt like the moment I handed him over it was it. I said yes, my partner got the cord tie, I handed bub as best as I could with his short cord in my partners hands and I tied it on and then cut the cord, my midwife took photos for us.
As soon as he was free, I gave him a kiss and then handed him to the paed, and watched them all almost rush out of the room with my partner. It felt so sudden. It was just 20 minutes after birth that he was gone out of the room.
I focused next on the placenta, I waited nearly an hour but after talking with my midwife and sitting on the birth stool when the paed came back in, she asked me some questions and told me baby wasn't well so I decided to have the shot. My midwife was gentle, she talked the whole process with me and gently applied some traction while I pushed, it was surprising how much I needed to push! the placenta was absolutely tiny, I found out it weighed about 200g. I lost about 100ml of blood, which is next to nothing. As soon as I inspected the placenta and both my midwife and I were happy with it being intact she said she didn't see any tearing, just small grazing, I had no idea she was able to see tearing when the placenta came out, so I never needed to be touched. It was rather healing after my last experience. I got up, grabbed my clothes and had a very quick wash before walking to NICU where bubba was having an echo.
I don't remember how things went from here on, I just remember that bub was on CPAP and his colouring wasn't great. I got to have a hold and I remember my partner saying it wont be long and bub will be snuggled up in bed with me. I knew he was wrong. I knew bub wasn't ok. They did so many tests, I don't remember what. I did ask how big he was and he was a teeny 2.6kg, 47cm long. Very small for a 40+2 weeker. Definitely IUGR, I remember being angry they stopped the scans at 34 weeks and that would have been picked up. But I also felt very strongly that he was better off being born when he was.
After a while they swapped his CPAP to a tube under his nose, and I asked about feeding. The dr wasn't sure and wanted to observe his noises, he was convinced enough that feeding should be ok so I breastfed him. After a while my partner went home to the kids.
About 5pm the cardiologist came to tell me bub needed surgery, very soon and that they would transfer to Melbourne within the next 24 hours as soon as a bed was available. I had the nurse talk to my partner, i was in shock. Then i called my mum, I hadn't told her bub was born yet, and one of the first things i had to say was he wasn't well and we're going to Melbourne, and get her stuff organised because she would be coming with me.

The cardiologist or another dr, I don't remember said they would call at 6am to see if there was a bed. I stayed with him and had as many cuddles as I could. It felt like an eternity but it was only one night. I was back and forth feeding bub and bringing colostrum for the next 10 hours, unfortunately his blood gasses weren't good so when I came back for a feed after next to no sleep to find him back on CPAP. I still got a cuddle but I never got to feed him again.
I stayed with him from about 4am onwards, fighting sleep deprivation waiting for them to call and hear about the bed. they called at 6 and there was no bed, so I decided to go for a nap. I didn't get much so I was back again not long after. I got another cuddle, still fighting the desire to sleep, and my student came to visit before her shift began. my partner was on his way. he arrived around 8 I think.
When he arrived, I was cuddling bub, and then we decided to go get a coffee and have a toilet break. We went back to my room for a little while, around 10-10:30  I don't remember, only to get the cardio nurse come and say Melbourne rang and that they have a bed, they were flying him out at 12 and MedStar were there and they were about to intubate him. She was telling me they could get me a flight at 1, and gave me paperwork. It happened so fast. I went down and wanted a cuddle before they intubated him, I didn't want to see that. There was a rush of people, MedStar in their red uniforms and the isolette type cot they would transfer him in. It was then that it set in how sick my baby was. Everyone was telling me things and I barely remember what they said. I cuddled my baby, ever so quickly hovering over his bed before I had to leave for them to intubate.
We went back to my room and I called mum. I just cried with my partner and we waited for the nurse to come with the paperwork I needed to fly and the discharge papers.
As soon as I got them, we left for the airport, mum on her way and planning to meet us there. It was 1130 when I left the hospital.
We drove to the airport, and on the ramp going in mum pulled up beside us, perfect timing.
We went to check in, and then we waited at the gate for the flight which would leave just after 1. we didn't think to watch for the royal flying doctors who would fly bub out, we could have seen them through the window but we were trying to distract ourselves.
Saying goodbye to my partner when it was time to go was the hardest thing I have ever done.
The flight was fairly quick, only an hour and 20 minutes. When we landed we got a taxi and went straight to the royal Melbourne childrens hospital and when we got to the Butterfly ward we found bub had literally just arrived 5 minutes before we did, and the first thing I did was go over to him. it felt so surreal, I didn't like seeing the intubation tube but it was in his nose not his mouth like I was worried it would be.
Things are kind of a blur from here on, I stayed with him as much as I could and pumped as often as I was able. I started to get an awesome supply despite worrying about pumping antenatally.
We stayed in the new mothers room, I hardly ever left my baby. when he was 3 days old I broke down and cried behind the curtain and complained about not being able to do anything for my baby. it want long after that they let me have a cuddle, it was so scary with all the wires and tubes. but it felt so good to finally hold him.
Every time I held him I had an overwhelming sense of exhaustion wash over me, I tried so hard to stay awake. I held him for hours, only ever leaving to pump, toilet or eat, and sleep for about 2-3 hours.
I almost never left his side.
on Wednesday they did a CT, to see how his heart was. I was to find out what was going on after they had a good look and would talk to me the next day about what surgery will need to happen.

On Thursday I had the specialists all come and have a chat with me, mum by my side. And they told me everything. My baby didn't have a very good prognosis, and that I had the option to redirect his care to palliative care. I couldn't handle it. I wanted to give him a chance and i wanted him to have surgery. The surgeon told me of the statistics, out of 19 they were able to study, 4 survived. It was not looking good for my baby. I called my partner in the parents room and tried to remain positive, I refused to give up hope. He was driving over the next morning, I needed him to be there and bring the kids.
I remember sitting with my mum, and saying to her I felt it within my soul my baby wasn't going to make it. I just knew. It was so painful to admit it but I just knew.
My dad and sister arrived that night but due to visiting hours they picked mum up while I was holding bub, mum stayed with them that night so I had a night on my own, I didn't leave bub until after 1130 after cuddling him for several hours fighting sleep. I went back to my room, started writing in a diary mum bought specifically to write out his journey, I stopped for a moment and when I put my hand near my face and smelled him and lost it. I cried for hours, and went back to him after a couple of hours sleep.
The next day I cuddled bub for a while again, and then my parents and sister arrived. I brought them in and they met him.
I spent much of the day with my bub, I almost never left his side. The only time I did was to organise my room at Ronald Mc Donald house for when my kids and partner arrived, so we could all stay together and to hire the breast pump.
That afternoon, my partner arrived and I decided to not bring in the kids yet, I was going to do that the next day. My kids stayed with my parents for a little while and while my partner and I were with bub the surgeon came and we signed the consent forms for surgery that Monday. My partner took the kids to the room and I stayed with bub and had more cuddles, after a bit I needed to put him down nd the cardiologist came for a chat, and bub had a sudden, very quick episode of tachycardia and his rhythm changed momentarily. it happened so fast that neither the nurse or dr reacted in time to freeze the recording to take a look. I felt nothing but panic, they seemed so relaxed that I thought maybe it was nothing but I felt something wasn't right. I started to worry more.
That night, around 6 I think, I went back to the room and spent time with my family, I pumped and cried because double pumping was HARD, my back hurt and I cried because I had this gut feeling my baby was never going to get that milk. I spilled some and cried even more, eventually I fell asleep.
I woke up fairly early that Saturday, we took our time to go see bub, we had a coffee at the cafeteria and then I left to go see him. After a bit my partner brought the kids up and I came to get them 2 at a time to meet their little brother, I got photos, I took a video of him being given a little milk through his NG tube and then they left for a small break and I stayed with bub for a little bit (I think I pumped) before I went to get my lunch as they provide meals for breastfeeding mothers, and it was a sandwich with avocado and a kiwi fruit, neither or which I eat (kiwi allergy) so I came back to the room where I left my bag to get my wallet so I could go buy some McDonalds.
While I was there he had a sudden episode again of his sats dropping and the drs came to do an xray and we saw that he had fluid in his lungs. They gave him midazolam and a diuretic and he stabilised, with his oxygen in the 70s, not perfect but the nurse suggested I go get food so I did.
I sat in the food court and started eating the chips with my cheeseburger meal, my partner and kids came to join me not long after and then we walked to subway to get them lunch. I was sitting down about to start m burger when the doctor called me, she said something about an echo and they need a parent bedside. I immediately jumped up, said I had to go and RAN. 5 days postpartum and I ran most of the length of the hospital and was out of breath when it got to the elevator.
As soon as I arrived at his room I knew it wasn't good. It was full of people, they were pumping oxygen into him at a very high rate and his colour wasn't good. The cardiologist I hadn't met yet shook my hand and gently suggested I wait outside the room while they work out what was going on.
I walked out and I felt my heart break.
The surgeon came to talk with me, I asked to call my partner and walked out of the ward and called him, then I sent a message to mum to come asap to wait with the kids.
The surgeon met me and my partner at the door of nicu and said he didn't think bub had a very good chance, but if he stabilised he would operate the next day, but that what was happening wasn't a good sign at all. I saw his face, he was far from hopeful. I knew from his face that my baby was dying.
We sat in a room with the drs and they basically told us they felt it was hopeless operating. It was then that it hit me and my partner hard. He nearly vomited and I just cried.
We went back to our baby's room and watched the team continue to try to stabilise him.I kept begging him to give me better o2 levels, please give me 60, please. Then it was give me 65 please. They were all over the place, his ventilator going crazy. I knew there was nothing to be done, what they were doing wasn't working. he was literally dying in front of me. I kept talking to bub and kissing him, but at one point I said to him, if you cant fight anymore, goodbye.
They started talking amongst themselves about heartfelt, they were trying to get in contact with someone.
My partner refused to accept what was happening, at least at first. He didn't listen to the dr when she said what they were doing wasn't working, and eventually I just said, even if he makes it, he will be brain damaged from lack of oxygen. It was that point when I just broke down and begged them to let him die in my arms. They said of course, and eventually they heard about heartfelt, he would only be able to come for half an hour, from 4:15pm, and I remember thinking does this mean my baby will be dead within that time, but so relieved that we would get nice photos of our baby to hold onto.
Then we started to get things moving, they started unhooking things and got his bed ready to wheel down the hall where we would say our goodbye.
The photographer was there and waiting, he introduced himself and I don't think I reacted, all I could do was hold my baby's hand and I didn't want to let go.
I sat down on the chair after ripping off the belly wrap I had been wearing, they started to get things ready so I could have skin to skin with him before they took him off the oxygen. They got me a gown and I stripped off, not really caring about being seen, but they held up a sheet anyway. As soon as they placed him on my chest I felt some peace. We cried, we talked to him, we kissed him and loved on him so much. I played him a song which I had played a lot throughout my pregnancy, I wanted it to be the last thing he heard. It was 21 pilots cover, I cant help falling in love. I tried to sing along, breaking into tears too much to sing. After it finished, they asked if we were ready to take his tube out. And they did, I couldn't look, neither could my partner. As soon as that tube was gone I got to see his face without anything on it for the first time since birth. I pressed my nose against his, and gave him a kiss as I cried. My heart has never known so much love and heartbreak.
We didn't know how long it would take so we kept talking, kissing him. The photographer took some beautiful pictures, giving some suggestions like having both out hands on his head. One of those is one of my favourites. I passed him to dad, I wanted him to hold him.
The photographer eventually left, so all the photos he took were when he was still alive.
They left alone with bub, at one point we kept listening to his heart, beating slower and slower. I was never able to see him take a breath so I suspect they were very small. The doctor came in and had a listen, and said he still had his heart beating. We were getting quite distressed, waiting for him to die was so painful. It was dragging out, but we were also so grateful for each moment. He was heavily sedated, on a muscle relaxant so he was already floppy. It wasn't nice, it was like he was already gone.
Then we heard a breath, one I know well from my aged care training. His last breath. We knew at that moment, he was gone. We both tried to listen for his heart beating, and didn't hear anything. My partner got up and got a stethoscope and tried to listen, then I tried. we heard nothing. The doctor must have been watching because she came in and asked if we wanted her to have a listen. It felt like an eternity. She turned to us and said softly, 'He's sleeping' and we broke down.
We sat together for a while, I decided to get his little jumpsuit that flew with him and put him in it and then the social worker came in and asked if we wanted the kids to come in. I said no, I don't want them to remember their brother like this. She asked about fineral arrangements and i knew i wanted him cremated, I wouldn't want to be buried myself, I wanted to keep his ashes and have jewellery made so he never leaves me. I said to get my parents so they could say goodbye.
This was hard, as soon as mum came through that door she was in tears. Dad broke down. They both had a cuddle and said their goodbyes. I have never seen them so broken.
Then my partner couldn't handle seeing our son like that, he was cold, the colour was going. The social worker said to me, if I have any doubt about leaving then stay, and stay I did.
My partner went back to our room and stayed with the kids, he needed to be with them and I understood.
The nurses came to do footprints, in clay, ink and some stuff they had to heat up. They were so compassionate, it was surreal but the nicest way for things to have gone. He was starting to get stiff, the calcium was leaking into his muscles so when they did his prints his little fingers had curled a bit and weren't easy to get straight. I didn't know it would happen that fast. She talked to him, and held him when I had to pump, the compassion was overwhelming, I am so grateful for her. I wish I remembered her name.
I stayed with my baby all night, I had a fold out bed where I took him to bed with me and cuddled him as I fell asleep. When I woke a couple of hours later it hit me, and I cried and asked why my baby. I had a moment where I felt like I was watching myself and thought, this cry is one I have never heard before, this is a cry of grief, the cry I imagine all mothers would cry. I have never cried like that before.
His colour was changing, where his face was resting on my chest he went white, he was very cold so there was no doubt that he was gone. It wasn't easy, but I kept kissing him and hugging him. I got the little jacket, booties and mittens I made him and put them on, rigor mortis was kicking in more and I found that very hard to deal with. I got my phone and played him the song again, and was able to sing more of it to him. Still occasionally breaking down.
I never let him go except for the toilet, the nurse held him while I pumped. That was so hard to do, pumping now knowing for sure he was never going to have it.
I promised him I would watch the sunrise with him, like I did while I laboured with him. I told him how much I loved him. I made the decision to let him go when it was the time of his birth, so he came to me the same time he left me. I had been thinking about it for a while, I had started to notice the smell of death, it is a smell I have come across before and didn't want to remember my baby in that way. Unfortunately, I always will remember, but I do not regret a moment.
Morning came, and my partner came to see us, I shielded his face not knowing what his reaction would be, it was hard for me and I watched the change. He told me his mum was flying in, and would arrive soon. He hadn't told the kids, we would tell them together that morning, after I hand my baby over. It wasn't too long and then he had a cuddle, he even took some photos with him. I hesitated commenting on the smell, but I did, my partner did notice but like me, hesitated saying anything.

Then my mother in law arrived, right about the time I wanted to hand him over, but I waited and let her say her goodbye. Coincidentally, the time that I handed him to the paediatrician after his birth.
The nurses came back when I was ready, I wrapped him up and tucked him into my gown and then we walked out of the room. We had to go down the hallway, the only one in and out, I got scared because I would have to walk past the kids, but they didn't see us pass. We got the elevator, went downstairs and I carried my baby all the way down to the mortuary door. We passed a few big doors on the way and just outside the locked door and I gave him more kisses and then I handed him to the nurse and walked away. I couldn't bear to watch her walk him in that room, knowing exactly what that room was. When the door shut behind me I collapsed, I fell to the ground and cried. It hurt so much to have to walk away, my MIL and partner had to pick me up off the floor. It was so hard to walk away.
We packed out stuff in the room we said goodbye as fast as we could, we got the kids in and I had to tell them their brother died. My daughter and eldest son broke down, my heart, already broken, broke even more. My younger two didn't quite understand, death isn't something they know much about, they're a bit young.
I spent the rest of the day incredibly numb. I vaguely remember walking away from the hospital, sitting in our room with our family around us and wanting nothing more than to be alone. I couldn't stand being touched, or spoken to. My mum dad and sister decided to leave, I think they drove home that day.
My MIL stayed with us, we went out for lunch because we couldn't stand to cook. We needed a distraction. I cried almost the whole time.
That night we were alone, just the 6 of us. I felt so empty, I cried all night. Pumping was difficult. I hated every second.

Monday we went to the funeral home, the lady was so compassionate and we found out the hospital is paying for his cremation. They said don't give us the invoice, we only knew they were going to pay part, not all. It was a fair surprise, we would have had no problem paying, cremation isn't expensive, but it was a really nice gesture.
Tuesday I took back the breast pump I had hired and picked up the frozen milk stored. I got the last of the paperwork and got a call saying bubs ashes were ready to be picked up the next morning. The social worker I met earlier in the week met up with us, she told me HeartKids wants to put some money towards memorial jewellery which blew me away. It's amazing the kind of support you get, I'd only sent a message to the HeartKids representative that morning telling her our baby didn't make it.
Later that day I called MFM and spoke to my favourite midwife, she didn't know and it was so hard to tell her. Fortunately they kept my placenta so I picked it up on the Thursday.
Thursday was a blur, and Friday my partner went back to work. I had to let my GI know my baby didn't make it, I sent a message to his nurse and he called me straight away, he asked if I had the baby yet and I said yes, and then his next question was how are we... I had to say he passed away at 5 days old. That was hard. I haven't been well with my Crohn's since birth, so I am being seen on the following Thursday.
Today is Saturday. A week since my baby died. It's 4pm, so in 2 hours it will be exactly a week. I don't know how I am managing. I go between absolute rage and then devastation, much of the time I am numb. I don't know how I am feeling to be honest. I had 20 weeks to prepare for this, even though I never truly believed it would happen. I thought I would have 3-6 months with him, not 5 days. I am angry it was my baby but after reading his report, he had no real chance, the odds were against him, I was very lucky to get 5 days with him, let alone him survive to birth.

His diagnoses were:
#Complex Congenital Cardiac Disease
- Right atrial isomerism, ASVD common atrium large VSD
- balanced ventricles
- double outlet right ventricle (DORV) side by side great vessels with aorta to right of PA
- subpulmanory stenosis, small PV annulus (4.5mm) with good sized branch PAs
- TAPVD, supracardiac, partially obstructed, 3x connections to systematic circulation
# Heterotaxy with congenital asplenia
# IUGR
# Rib anomaly - 12 ribs left, 11 ribs right.

Birth of baby E

Once again, it has been a long time between posts. I apologise for that.
It has been a long journey since I last wrote. I had my baby boy, a perfect healthy little boy who has stolen my heart.

In all honesty, I don't know where to start. His birth was amazing but postpartum as very difficult... 

I had an uneventful end of my pregnancy. The drug induced lupus went away once I discontinued the culprit drug and I started on Humira. I did fine with that, no side effects. I was surprised I was able to inject myself because I have always hated needles.

I knew baby would come sooner than my last one, I just had a feeling. I knew I would birth somewhere after 38.5 weeks but before my due date.
 37 weeks came and I became incredibly emotional, it was very much like severe depression, which I have gone through before. I could barely get myself out of bed and I cried a lot. I just knew I was at the end. I cried to my mum and she came over with plaster to do a belly cast since I had always wanted to do one.
I spent a lot of time trying to work out what music I wanted playing while I laboured. I fell in love with Merlin's Magic, I would dance to it and meditate in the bath while listening to it on my headphones.
For about a week before E was born, I had nightly contractions that fizzled after 2h, I never once thought I was going into labour but I hoped of course. To distract us from the prodromal labour we would watch a movie right before bed and just chill. Just 2 days before E was born I had a lot of discomfort, the prodromal labour felt like early labour with a badly positioned bub so I spent much of that in the bath trying to move him. I was never able to accurately pinpoint his position, I just knew he was head down and not anterior.
The day before, 6th March, it was my dad's birthday and a full moon. I knew there was something significant about that date. I was 38 weeks and 5 days on that day. I had what would be my last antenatal appointment after I picked my daughter up from school. The midwife said to come straight in once labour started and I said straight out I had no plans to do that. She didn't say anything. I was getting lots of tightenings and bub was 3/5ths engaged, no surprise to me because I was doing my own prenatal care at home (measuring belly and palpating position) I was really wasting my time going but I still went to prove we were both fine.
That night I sat on the bench outside and watched the full moon, talking to my baby and then walked around to my partner who was doing something with the car and mentioned the full moon and how my dad had sent me a message saying there was still time for him to share his birthday. I thought it was cute, my dad was very excited about his new grandson. My partner was off work because he had been sick but was going back the next morning, he was joking around how it would be cool if bub came so he didn't have to go to work the next morning.
I had yet another round of prodromal labour start around 8pm, I was almost convinced it was 'it' until 11pm and it suddenly stopped. I had a bath, went to bed rather grumpy and convinced I was going to be the first person to be pregnant forever. Hilarious considering I was only 38 weeks.
I slept soundly, even R slept well only waking once or twice in the night to nurse. When my partner left for work at 5am I woke as he kissed be goodbye, I fell back asleep and didn't wake until 8am.

Almost on the dot, 8am, I woke up needing to pee and I was having a tightening. Of course I ignored it and got brekky for the kids and made myself a coffee. A slow start, it was Saturday morning and we had no plans.
As I was making breakfast I felt more tightenings with a lot of pressure, I started to wonder because they were different. After about half an hour I was almost sure but it definitely wasn't active labour, I sent a message to my partner saying I thought it was the day but I would let him know when I wanted him to come home. He would normally finish around 10 and be home half an hour later. I sent a message to my mum, even though I wasn't certain I wanted her and my sister there for the birth.

A little while later the tightenings were getting more pushy, not as in baby coming out but baby pushing down and cervix opening. I checked myself but nothing was different and I started thinking I was getting ahead of myself but also saying to myself that dilation meant absolutely nothing. Very early labour I thought to myself.

I put a movie on for the kids and started some housework. I did the dishes and in the middle of that I was certain baby was coming that day and things were moving slower than last time. I called S and the first thing out of my mouth was 'I hope you're thinking of leaving soon' he was packing up and about to leave, he knew that for me to say something was up meant baby was on his way. He knew me better than myself in early labour.
I called my mum and said it was definitely the day, I ended the call saying I would get back to her when I wanted her to come. She was supposed to be there to watch the kids, and my sister was to come so she could see the awesomeness of birth.

I kept cleaning, this was me nesting. I started vacuuming just after 10. I had to hum and sway through some contractions because it was hard to ignore them but they were so irregular and lasted under 30 seconds. I'd be holding onto the vacuum as I swayed, once it stopped I kept going. I was peaceful but in disbelief I was actually in early labour.

Just as I put a sheet over the couch (they were old and stained, I hated them uncovered) S pulled up the driveway. I greeted him at the door and he gave me a kiss all excited. he touched my belly and then we just chatted while I had contractions. I was sitting on my gym ball and noticed that sitting made them quite strong.
Not too long after my parents turned up, it was 1130 and they were just checking in before hanging out in town nearby. Then my sister came and we all just chatted and laughed. it really didn't feel like I was labouring rather than they were there visiting. It was really nice.
I was getting pretty uncomfortable not too long after they came, I sat on my ball and stopped trying to relax and gritted my teeth as I had a contraction. it hurt but not like I had experienced before.

I started to get thirsty, I asked my partner to go to the shops (why I didn't ask or go get a drink I don't know). He and my dad went outside, I assumed they left.
It was just me, my mum and my sister sitting in the lounge bathed in sunlight. It was just before midday and it was a beautiful day.
My mum reminded me to breathe through contractions and then recorded me pacing around during one because sitting was too intense. I laughed at her because she said 'well you wanted a memento right?'... I did, but it felt so weird labouring in front of her, I'd had 2 babies without anyone watching me, it was surreal.

I was getting a bit annoyed and when I was told my dad and S were out the front talking about cars of all things I said they better get a move on or I won't get my drink (I wanted gatoraide or something hydrating, I didn't have any). Mum went out to tell them and then as I was standing taking to my sister after a contraction 'pop' went my waters. I thought it was hilarious and thought they'd gone early this time. I giggled as I waddled down the hallway, dripping amniotic fluid as I went. My sister followed me and wiped up my mess with a towel and then went outside to tell S and my dad to not go anywhere. They'd literally just pulled out of the driveway.
I took my pants off and saw my waters, the smell of birth washed over me. I peed standing because I felt a lot more pressure than before and S walked in. He knew birth was very close and started filling the bath for me. I told him to have the taps all the way on because it wasn't going to fill fast enough, I had a contraction and I yelled through it, I heard my dad call out that I was ok. He didn't know how close his grandson was to being born or that that was the most intense contraction I'd had. A proper labour contraction that I didn't want to do again. After that was over S walked out to check the kids or something, I don't actually know.

I stayed on my hands and knees feeling the pressure, it didn't go away even with contractions coming and going.
With my sister and mum standing in the doorway I ignored them and checked myself and felt bub's head. it didn't exactly click that he was coming but I knew it was close. My sister was clicking away with her camera and my mum got embarrassed because she realised what I was doing. S came back in and held my hand, the contraction didn't stop. I got in the bath (squatted) and took off my crop top. I was naked. I had a rather intense contraction and said I felt like pooping and didn't care if I did (I knew I was pushing but since R took a while I thought E would too). My sister and mum walked out and I had another contraction and it hurt a lot more than the rest, I made a pushy sound and I heard someone say I was pushing but I was off with the fairies at this point.

All of a sudden I felt his head right 'there' and felt it all bulging. I tried not to push but his head was coming and suddenly popped out, I said OMG his head's out and to keep it under the water. A few moments later I realised he wasn't coming out with me squatting in the bath and stuck a leg out and lied back and out came the rest of him in a whoosh. As we pulled him out the water my parents and sister came running in and fortunately someone got a picture of us pulling him out of the water before we got the nuchal cord off. I mentioned the cord and my dad gasped but I said it was fine.
We popped him on my chest and he just lied there on my chest looking around, my mum came over and rubbed his back a little and I insisted he was ok, it would take him a moment to cry because he came out so fast, his cord was providing what he needed.
My first thoughts were that he was so little, almost prem compared to R who was 8lbs. Then he let out a cute but hearty cry and I heard my dad say 'that's what we want to hear'. I imagine it felt like an eternity, considering I never prepared him for the realities of birth. He only had his ambo training and his own children's births to go by. I birth differently and my expectation are less medicalised.

I was overwhelmed with joy and cried as I held him. It was really cool to share that moment with them. My dad walked over to the bath, he thanked me for letting him be there and I saw tears in his eyes. It was a special moment I never in a million years could have guessed would happen.

I got out of the bath, I didn't want to be in there and felt a bit lightheaded because of it and E had his first boobie. They took pictures and we all had a good look at him. We went into the lounge, E still boobin' and after the cord was empty I cut it and we waited for the placenta.

I did it, I had a water birth (I didn't plan on it), my son was earthside safely and surrounded by the people who loved him most.

I did go to the hospital before the placenta came, the cord was cut in preparation, I was very lightheaded, my BP dropped and I made the call to go. I knew if I was at risk of bleeding due to the speed of birth and it wasn't the ideal quiet dark environment I needed and didn't feel like everything was 100%. I just needed to lie down but we were all a bit shocked because none of us expected E to pop out within 10 minutes of my water breaking. I was ok but the stranger midwife did pull on the placenta out of panic, it hurt very much. I said to stop multiple times and was ignored but I did report her for violating me in that way. No means no, stop means stop....

I knew the placenta wasn't ready, it was not even an hour after birth and my BP had stabilised so she was unnecessarily pulling. I grew terrified she would cause exactly what I was there to make sure didn't happen. It hurt a lot, I am certain she pulled it off too soon and I did bleed a lot but not too much (I was quite anaemic afterwards needing an infusion a couple of months after when I saw my specialist for my crohn's, I had very good iron levels at 36 weeks) The excuse for why it hurt was that I had a mild accretia (slightly imbedded into the uterine wall, deeper than it should but not enough for a manual extraction), which upon inspecting the placenta I know to be untrue. She just didn't wait. If she was worried I would have let her give syntocin but she never explained herself. I felt like I was being punished for having him at home.

The visit to the hospital was horrible, I will go into it more later but not in this post, it is long enough and I don't want to ruin an otherwise good birth story. I have postpartum depression and my PTSD was triggered. It took 6 months before I didn't cry at the memory but I've got a way to go before I'll be ok.

I don't regret anything, if anything I have been taught more than I hoped. I will one day be a midwife and I'll be more careful with how I treat my mothers and babies.

Baby E was born at 12:16, on Saturday the 7th March. Active labour was under half an hour, with a nice easy early labour. E was 7lbs and 49cm long and his head was 35cm (bigger than all of them but no big  tears  even though his big head came so fast, I had only a minor internal tear I chose to leave unsutured and it has healed well.

I do not plan to have another baby, but if I ever did I will be having a private midwife. I could have used a person I trusted to care for me when I wanted it.

So this the end of my story. I am considering writing a different blog, because I have a lot going on in my life which I want to write about. So if you're interested in learning more about me, I will share a link if I choose to start a new one.

Until then
Peace, love and light x

Baby R's freebirth

Baby R was born at 6:21am on Valentines Day (14th Feb) at home, at 40 weeks and 3 days gestation.

 

Here is his birth story <3

My 'due' date, came and went. I was thrilled though, I found it to be the most awesome thing to be able to say, 'Oh my due date was yesterday' haha the shock on people's faces amused me ceaselessly. My mother in law flew up on my due date, I paced around the airport while we waited smiling to myself because nobody else knew I was 40 weeks that day. From the day I worked out my due date, I kept saying how awesome it would be if I had him on Valentines Day, just 3 days after my due date. I didn't think it would actually happen since my previous pregnancies were 37+5 and 39+0, I kept hoping, just as I kept hoping I would get to 40 weeks.

I was feeling huge by 40+1, I had a sudden appearance of stretchmarks on my belly the week before which reminded me of whiskers, my belly button was in the middle like a nose of a kitty :P I felt womanly, beautiful and a bit nervous. R had been posterior the entire time I had been able to palpate his position. This did make me nervous, apparently posterior labours are longer - particularly pushing, more uncomfortable and tearing is much more likely, but I tried not to look too much into it.

I did tear with J's birth, significantly enough that a few millimetres saved me from a 3rd degree tear. Although recovery was pretty easy, my midwife was able to repair the tear so well that it didn't feel like anything had happened after a few weeks but I still didn't want to tear again, at least not as severely. I thought back on J's and D's births a lot, about what I would change, what I thought worked and what I thought would work again. I did know better than to make a plan in my head about how exactly things would go, but I am glad I prepared myself for another quick labour.

On the 12th, I got the shakes randomly. I had something to eat and drink and it didn't stop so I checked my blood pressure but it was fine, getting curious as to whether it was a possible sign of impending labour I googled it, sure enough some things said 12-48 hours after some mums got the shakes, they went into labour. I figured it could be hormonal and went on with my day as usual, hoping I'd be having my baby soon.

On the 13th, we went out shopping - S, J, D, mum-in-law and myself. I walked around and we bought a couple more outfits for R to wear, I had worried since it was still warm in QLD that some of the clothes we had aside for him would be too warm to wear (we kept a lot of J's baby clothes, but he was born in SA when and where it is much colder). I was getting braxton hicks fairly often, I would wiggle my hips and belly dance in the hopes I would get R to turn - he was still posterior. When we got home I had a nap, I hardly slept the night before and I was feeling a bit antsy.

On the 14th, around 2 am J woke up, still breastfed (mainly to go to sleep because by that time I had only colostrum) so I nursed him back to sleep, and as usual I started getting some braxton hicks contractions. I had been getting strong braxton hicks contractions since mid-38 weeks most often when nursing so I thought nothing of it. They were sporadic, no pattern and they didn't hurt at all. For me, my belly would grow tight and I'd feel a little breathless and then it would pass. Once J was asleep, he stayed in my bed with me, between S and I. After a while S got up and went to J's bed to get comfortable, as he had done so often the last couple of weeks (I took up enough room as it was let alone adding a toddler).

I don't remember still having braxton hicks at this point, I may have, I may not have. I tried to go back to sleep, using all the pillows on the bed to make myself a nest to get comfortable. I vaguely remember starting to notice the tightenings a while later. I was really uncomfortable and when the contractions didn't stop like they usually did I started to feel a little annoyed. I kept trying to sleep though.The contractions were still painless, but my pubic bone would start to ache, I checked the time, it was 2:22am.

I was still trying to see if I could sleep but ended up getting a drink and going to the loo in the hopes that they would stop. Still convinced I was just having BHC. Back in bed, lying on my side they started to feel stronger, the ache was more noticeable and impossible to stay still through. I gave up on sleeping, grateful I had a nap earlier and had a shower because usually a warm shower makes me sleepy and relaxed. The contractions slowed while I let the warm water run over my belly so I got out and attempted to sleep again, after just a couple of contractions I gave up, I started to feel almost a sting at the peak of the contraction.I went to the loo again, and had a thought to start timing these contractions. They weren't completely painless now, I thought something was happening but it was nothing like either of my previous labours. I decided to download an app, I figured if it was It, then I'd be able to time my contractions, if not; I'd just feel a little silly getting my hopes up and get on with my day as usual.

I timed a few, had a shower and had a few more before I jumped out and timed another one or 2. They were only 30 seconds long but 1 and a half minutes apart, they didn't seem long enough to be real labour but I did notice they were actually painful now, especially out of the water. I got back in the shower and the intensity started to peak, feeling a little alone and wanting S I got out and woke him up, saying "I'm getting pains and I can't sleep through them". I kneeled on the bed next to him and said he might want to get up soon, I hesitated telling him I felt lonely but did so anyway. S, knowing me better than myself sometimes, realised I was in labour, he watched me have a contraction and immediately got up. It was 4am.

Up until this point I remained unconvinced it was real labour, I thought false labour at the least because it felt so different. I breathed through every contraction, not making a sound and not feeling the need to.
I got back in the shower, and talked to S and breathed through contractions, they were getting painful now. It demanded all my focus, and I instinctively got on all fours and let the water fall over my back. I checked my cervix a few times since I first jumped in the shower that morning, I had been unable to feel it until now where I guessed I was at least 5 with a bulging bag of waters. The more labour progressed, I could feel my cervix melting away, it's quite cool :) It was only when I could feel the bag of water that I was convinced it was labour.

I had some towels at the edge of the shower and in between contractions I started to feel sleepy so I literally napped. I rested my head on the towels, still on my hands and knees and closed my eyes. Oxytocin had kicked in for sure.

I started making small sounds, in the back of my mind I coached myself 'low sounds, low sounds' the higher pitched the sounds are the more painful it is, low sounds (like the 'om' when people meditate) help you relax so it actually hurts less... I kept my mouth open, because open mouth = open cervix...well something like that, I highly recommend Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. J and D woke so S brought them into the bathroom where we chilled out and chatted inbetween contractions, they were the same length and had the same break between them but the intensity picked up. It wasn't long before I got loud.

J didn't like it when I had a contraction, these ones were really hurting and he got scared. In between the contractions I cuddled him and gave him a kiss to reassure him I'm fine, I kept telling them I was having the baby, and D thought it was the coolest thing ever. She kept excitedly dancing around :)
I knew I would not be able to have J and D with me much longer, labour was picking up so S called his mum.

My mother in law took 5 minutes to get to us (she was staying with a friend), later she told us she had just woken and just 'knew' something was up and then she got the call. This was a little after 5 I think.
I think I had just a couple contractions, these were not as strong, I was thinking about the kids and needed to be alone so labour stalled a little. As soon as my MIL got there and the kids were out of the room and entertained labour intensified.

I kept holding S's hands during contractions, I really needed his touch. As soon as a contraction built up, I grabbed for his hands and held tight and 'ommmm'ed' my way through the contraction.
I stopped thinking, I don't remember what was going through my head, I was in another world now.

 

I find it funy that each labour I have a word I say during contractions. With my first 2, I swore, sh*t for D and f*ck for J, with R, I just said 'ow' and 'ah'. I won't lie, this fricking hurt! I surrendered, I let each contraction consume me, I would focus on keeping my mouth relaxed as I 'oooowwwwwwww'ed' and 'aaaahhhhh'ed'. I kept expecting back pain, he was still posterior and I only ever hear of the dreaded back labour that happens often with a posterior baby. I didn't have any, all the pains were focused where my pubic bone is, it felt like a lot of pressure with a sting. With J and D's labours, it was a burning sting that spread between my hip bones, I never felt pressure until I pushed.

I got a little pushy really soon after my mother in law got there, I checked myself and I was nearly complete but R's head was still high up. The next contraction was definitely a pushy contraction, I couldn't fight it so I didn't. I was on my hands and knees still, rocking my hips side to side and pushing with the urge.

I felt like I was pushing forever, I pushed a few times and checked myself (something that I really didn't think about, I just did it) and during each push I could feel his head moulding and moving ever so slightly down, bag of waters still intact. I was secretly hoping I would give birth to him in the caul (still in his bag of waters) because it's considered good luck.

S was messing around with the camera a few times since I started feeling pushy, I never really noticed but when I was pushing hard the camera batteries went flat. I still needed to hold onto him so he had to be really quick and rushed back the moment a contraction started. He did get the new batteries in and came back to me. Then it went flat again so we left it for a little bit.

I was getting tired, after about 15-20 minutes of full-on pushes, 3 pushes per contraction and contractions a minute apart lasting what felt like forever. Each push, I would feel him move a tiny bit. I started to feel stuck. I stood up a few times and felt like I couldn't go on. I felt like R just wasn't moving down, like he was stuck. I was getting frustrated. I complained to S, and tried to walk away. I said I give up, I am not doing this anymore, I can't do this anymore. He told me I could do it, I was doing it and that soon I would have a little baby to cuddle, to breastfeed and to love, he reminded me that I had been waiting for this and it would be so worth it. I knew he was right, he gave me some excitement back.

I walked out of the shower and paced around, then a contraction started and I quickly got back into the shower, this time I was standing while pushing, and it felt better but I fell to my knees again after it was over.

The contractions were intense now, I would shake and a couple of times cried a little. I felt like I was sitting in the water at the beach being hit by waves. I tried to go with them, still trying to relax as much as possible. This labour was less painful than J's, purely because didn't feel my hips seperating.
I felt like I should stand while I pushed, when I regained focus I realised I felt I needed to be off all fours which the reason he was hardly moving (if at all, it was likely all I was feeling was his head moulding). It was a little awkward trying to figure out what worked, I held onto S for physical support this time and after only a few contractions my water broke.

I checked myself again and felt his head, no longer with the bag of water in the way, and I could feel the little line on his head where the plates were squished together. I was ecstatic, I was touching my baby and I was the first to touch him. I laughed and cried much like I did when he was actually born. This was the most awesome moment I had ever experienced in labour, and this gave me strength.

I was now pushing with S holding me up, a supported squat I believe it is called. I think a birthing chair would have been ideal but this worked great. Every push did something, I could feel R moving down. In between contractions, I was resting and leaning against the wall when I felt R's little foot poke out the front/left. I am 99% sure he was ROP, slowly turning to come out. Feeling his foot made me giggle, and slightly sad that I'd probably never feel it again.

I pushed a little while longer, this time I felt like things were actually moving and it wasn't long at all before I dropped to my knees and instead of being really loud while I pushed, I grunted a little. R had dropped into the birth canal and was almost crowning. I was at the point where I knew the birth would be very, very soon. I was at peace and hardly focused on anything around me, I could do it on my own. I don't even remember what S was doing. Watching the video later, I can see I was entirely focused on pushing just as I needed to, unlike J's birth where I just gave it my all regardless if I needed to (ending up in that tear...) S did remind me to go slow, as I had asked him to in case I pushed too hard. I didn't need him to though, I told him I'm just doing what my body tells me to.
R began to crown, I felt the warm stretching feeling as he did, not what I would call 'the ring of fire' which I had with the other two. I cupped my hand over his head, this was a very slow, very controlled stage, I was scared out of my mind that I would tear, if I took my hand away for just a second to readjust my position or wipe water out of my face I would immediately cup my hand over his head again. I kept waiting to feel myself tear but never did.

I kneeled now, and all of a sudden I gave a push and he came out really fast. I don't remember what way he was facing but his body was facing up, he had a nuchal cord so I just pulled it over his head and then turned him to the side where he coughed out fluid and gave a loud cry. With the way the cord was around his neck it confirmed a dream I had the day before. I had dreamed that he would come out with a nuchal cord and because the placenta was anterior and to the left, he was nice and comfy ROP, only turning as he came out.

I checked his cord, it was a beautiful blue colour, pumping his blood back to him. He was covered in a bit of vernix and he was so chubby! I looked at him all over, from his crumpled little ears to his little heels. He was entirely perfect and was beautiful and pink.

I cried, I said hello, I vaguely remember seeing the kids at the door so I showed them and said I 'look, it's your baby brother' I just kneeled there and enjoyed the peace, feeling estatic. I was in no rush to do anything, it was perfect.
S took a couple of pictures on my mobile, just as I had leaned back to get comfortable. We saw a small gush of blood, we watched it and I checked the cord which was still thick and full of blood, I didn't worry myself yet, I remembered the same thing happening after J.
I got S to get a blanket, just in case R got cold and snuggled him close, skin to skin. S went to get the couch ready for me because I wasn't comfortable and wanted to sit, this was about 7am now. I got up and took a picture of R in my arms. I adore this photo.

I had no urge to push the placenta out yet, I wasn't getting contractions so I just waited, paid close attention to how I was feeling. I felt weak but not dizzy, I was hardly losing any blood so I walked to the couch and with help, sat down.
I called my mum and told her he was born, announcing his name - we had kept it to ourselves and wanted to announce it when he was born. I told her that he was born at 6:21am. My mum was thrilled but had no idea we had had a planned unassisted birth, we felt it was best not to tell them because they are ambulance officers and I felt it would cause them unnecessary stress knowing. She asked about his weight and because we hadn't weighed or measured him I told her we were at home and hadn't done it, she asked about my midwife and I said we didn't have one. She just assumed it went fast just like J's birth and encouraged me to head to the hospital soon. I think she was a bit surprised how relaxed I was, especially considering I still hadn't birthed the placenta haha

For me, it felt like the most normal thing in the world, it felt weird to be considering a trip to the hospital. I saw a doctor once during my pregnancy, my GP, only to get a referral for an ultrasound, the rest I took care of. I was not having blood tests or the screening they generally do at antenatal visits. Anything I was going to consent to, I could do myself. So I did, I liked having complete responsibility over my body and my baby, I never once worried or stressed about being told to do something due to someone else's fears. If I ever have another baby, I would do it my way again.
I did say to my mum that we were extremely prepared in the event of an 'accidental' unassisted birth but I think she still worried. I regret calling her so soon, because the trip to hospital weighed heavily on my mind and I really didn't want to think about it just yet.

I was uncomfortable after a little while, I had a cup of tea, took some arnica and snuggled with R, enjoying every moment but I wanted to stand, I was sure the placenta would be coming soon, I started to get some pains.
I got to the bathroom and tried to see if the placenta was ready, I pushed a little but nothing happened so I kneeled/sat on the floor. I swear it was only a couple of minutes before I had the urge to push again so I called S over and demanded he bring the bowl. He wasn't quick enough, so he had to pick the placenta up off the floor, going 'eeww' lol I admit, it was a bit ikky.

I passed R to S and for the first time I had my arms free and empty belly. I wanted a shower and I wanted to watch the bleeding. I stood up and watched the blood come out, it was a bit scary, I'd never experienced a physiological 3rd stage on my own, let alone truly experienced it. I had my midwife help me with J, with D I did nothing as it was heavily managed. I waited, I watched the blood fall and paid close attention to how I felt, chatting to S as well. I was never left alone, when the bleeding slowed dramatically which convinced me I was NOT about to haemmorage. I had my shepherd's purse tea waiting, kettle boiled, ready to be made if needed. I felt pretty good so I went to have my shower. It felt strange because not long before, I was giving birth in that shower.

I was all cleaned up and went to lie in bed with R, who was still attatched to the cord, we wanted to delay cord clamping as long as possible. I snuggled with him and tried to nurse him, he wasn't overly interested but nursed for a little while.
I really enjoyed this time, it was the first time things were relaxed and I never got to really enjoy this time with the others. All I ever wanted was to relax with my baby, in MY bed and take our time with unecessary things like cutting the cord. My dad called, I told him the good news, he asked me about the placenta, bleeding, how R was and such (mum had told him what I said earlier) he seemed more relaxed about it than mum, maybe because I sounded fine and could easily answer his questions.

A while later, nearly 3 hours since the birth we tied a cord I had made (it was soaked in boiling water) around his cord and S cut it. A little bit of blood fell, making me wish we had waited but the placenta and cord were very cold also the cord was white and limp.

I dressed R, we started to get ready to go to the hospital, wanting it to be over and done with. I checked the placenta and it was all there, so I just bagged it and chucked it in the freezer. I plan to encapsulate it (to this day, 8 weeks later I still haven't done it because we had no oven until a few days ago...I'll be doing it next week once I get the capsules lol)
When we got to the hospital, we just walked through the doors and they all perked up at their desks. I said 'I just had a baby, can someone check us over?' They didn't know what to think lol A midwife came over to me and noticed how new R was, she had thought I just got out of Base Hospital (where the babies are born) until I said, no, I had him just a few hours ago. The surprise on her face was hilarious.

I'll spare the details, it was a tedious 4 hours but everyone was surprised how calm I was, surprised that we didn't rush in straight away, that I didn't call the ambulance and even more so, that we cut the cord and I had already showered :P
I didn't tear enough to need stitches (I never felt any tear afterwards either so it must have been really small), R was fine (but I knew that) he was measured and weighed and there was a lot of paperwork.... oh so much paperwork. Initially they wanted R and I to stay 48 hours but I refused, I knew there was no reason to and was desperate to go back home. I said I would only stay 4, and it was not up for discussion. They gave me some food and R chilled out/slept on the neonatal bed (never seen one before lol I don't know what it is called but it had an inbuilt heart monitor and O2) next to me, they put the heater on so he wouldn't get cold while I ate and rested a bit. I swear most of the staff that came in 'just to grab one thing' used that as an excuse to come see R, one nurse told me we were 'the talk of the hospital' lol babies weren't born there, they really only saw the emergencies, the nurse told me it was nice to see the other side of things.

S had to get the placenta because they didn't believe me when I said I had checked it and it was intact.
When R was weighed, I couldn't believe them, 3650g which is 8lbs! He was 50cm long, which is longer than D and J who were only 48cm. R was my biggest baby yet :)

The male midwife (whom was really cool, he showed genuine interest when we talked about placenta encapsulation) asked us about the way he was born, curious about his position because he had a funny shaped head - he said it looked like he was posterior (the moulding was on the top, slightly to the right, the back of his head was rounded), I couldn't remember and felt like it didn't really matter so I said he came out normally and left it at that.

We went back home, and had our first night as a family of 5. I did have a nap and S took the kids out to get us some tea, he didn't feel like cooking, but I didn't sleep much, I was too in awe of R :P

I will never regret having an unassisted pregnancy and birth. I felt more in tune with my body and being entirely responsible was comforting. I never answered to anyone, I was never pressured into anything. It felt natural. I did miss having appointments with a midwife but it drove me to research more, anything I was uncertain about I looked up. I learnt so much about myself and about birth. I learned to trust birth even more than I had before. Above all else though, I learnt to trust my instincts as a mother. It's incredible how birth can change your life... no matter how many times you do it ;)

DD's birth story

Monday morning on the 23rd of March, somewhere between midnight and 3am I started to get crampy back pain, I dismissed it thinking it was nothing because I had some back pain due to my hips loosening, so I went to sleep.

After a restless sleep I woke up at 9 when my partner (OH) got up for work and still had the back pain, after an hour I went to the loo and noticed a show, still thinking it was nothing, because I believed a show isn't a definite 'you're in labour' sign, real labour could start a few days from now so I went and had a shower but told my partner, he didn't want to leave because he thought I was in labour but I reassured him and he went to work. He sent messages every half hour or less asking if I was ok and if it was time because when he left I was in a bit more pain and every time I peed I got a bad cramp in my belly (not once did I think it was a contraction)

I updated facebook status saying I might be in labour because the 'pain' was getting worse but I because the pain was bad in my back I didnt really notice any contractions...any I noticed were mistaken for BH.

Then it got to the point where I noticed the contractions-sharp pains in my lower belly (not my whole belly like BH which is what I expected) it was around 11am, so I texted mum saying I wasn't sure if it was it but I would soon know...she rang and asked me questions and said she'd come over (meanwhile I'm bawling my eyes out because I didnt know what to think) she said it sounded like I was in labour but I didnt want to believe it.

My partner texted me asking again if I thought it was it, I said I still didn't know. Mum arrived and then we chatted for a bit then went shopping for a few things (heat pack for my back) and in the hope that if I was in fact in labour, moving around would get things moving quicker.

We got home and my OH said he was coming home (he sent me a message while we were out and mum told me to tell him it was the early stages, oh I was so excited!!!)

OH got home and I told my best friend I was in labour, she asked if I wanted her to come over, and because I was so excited I said yes. After a while OH convinced me to call my midwife. I was having contractions about 5 minutes apart at this point I think, maybe a little further apart. I could still laugh through them so I wasn't too bothered by the pain, it really wasn't that painful. I expected OMG I AM DYING type pain, but this was like I'd just been running around and got a stitch. I was struggling to keep out of everyone's way while they packed my labour bag - I hadn't really bothered yet because I was only 37 weeks and 5 days along and it was my first birth because I was so full of energy. I called my midwife and I started crying, overwhelmed with how fast everything seemed to go, she was on her way soon after to come check if I was in labour so could labour at home.

When my midwife arrived she said she'd have to do an exam, I wanted to avoid them but I was desperate to know if I was in labour and we both knew an exam was going to give me that information.
I was 4cm dialated and my waters were bulging at bub's head and she was fully engaged (as you'd expect) and I was in the active stage of labour! I couldnt believe it, I was in labour and didn't even know it!! I expected it to be much worse. I came out of the bedroom with my midwife laughing because I couldn't believe it.

My midwife expected that in 4 hours I'd be at the hospital and ready to go but if the pain go too much, by all means head in earlier just call ahead and tell them to page her saying I'm on my way. She expected that bub would be here that night, she obviously knew my labour wasn't going to be a long labour. I had to time my contractions, they were coming every 2 minutes and lasting not quite a minute on average, when they were a minute or more I it would be the best time to head to the hospital.

I managed a few hours at home, I am not sure exactly how much but I think it was about 5:30-6 when I needed the bath in the birth centre and I wanted my midwife...even though I had mum, OH and my friend there with me, it wasn't the right support.

We called ahead and we left, by this stage I was having contractions every 2 minutes and now lasting about a minute and they were agony during the car trip, I spent the whole way crying, I needed to MOVE!. Every time I cried out OH panicked and asked if I was ok, all I said was there was nothing I could do about it and to keep driving. I thought it was pretty funny at the time.

We got to the hospital and I was dropped off out the front while OH went to find a park (mum and my friend followed in their cars) I was apparently told to go up while they went to find the park but I didn't hear so I paced out the front waiting having quite a few longer and closer contractions. Several people asked if I was ok, all I said was I'm in labour and I'm waiting for someone. I thought that was amusing too.

OH and mum finally came to me (after telling me I was told to go up already and me insisting they didn't) and then we headed up to the Womens Assessment Clinic where we met my midwife. She got me to sign some papers, not easy in the middle of a contraction but I got something that resembled a signature on it, then we headed up to the birth centre where my MW checked my BP and bub's heartrate which were good and then I hopped in the bath, without another exam...oh it was bliss on my backpain, but my contractions slowed down..I didn't mind though and it wasn't an issue.

Then pretty quickly the contractions started coming hard and fast with little or no break in between and I was starting to hyperventilate which wasn't helping. I called my midwife because I needed more reassurance that it would be over soon,  I wasn't coping too well and I asked for the gas (something I really regret now) and she said she'd do another exam to see where I was at, probably well aware I was in transition.  I got out of the bath, something I regretted instantly. I was almost fully dialated, there was just a tiny cervial lip to go so I allowed her to break my waters, I think this was about 7:45. I didn't feel entirely supported at this time, my midwife let my 'supports' do all the reassuring and they sat back and watched. I really felt alone at this point, and freaking out because everything was hurting and so intense.

When she broke my waters it was the weirdest feeling, in a way I regret allowing them to be broken because I wanted a natural birth and this wasnt natural but in hindsight it's what kept me going, I was young and although prepared for natural birth, had no idea what it was really like, I had never seen a birth before. She then sent me to the toilet telling me I needed to empty my bowels so off I went, after a while of pushing all of a sudden I could feel her head moving down. I freaked out and stood up and said 'I can feel the head!!' Sitting on the loo helped move her down  past the lip as it melted away, possibly speeding up the next stage, then the urge to push hit me.

I tried to run over to the bed and I can't remember exactly what happened but I ended up on my hands and knees pushing..I desperately needed someting to grab onto, like a bar but there was nothing at the head of the bed besides Apparently at one stage I was holding onto my OH and then had a contraction and almost snapped his neck. I was screaming while I pushed, I was pretty scared at this time. I remember thinking with absolute horror that I had to push that baby out now.

Pushing was intense, because I was not on my back or standing up, there wasn't much pressure in my bottom so it never felt like a big bowel movement as is so often described (I experienced that second time around haha) I don't remember too much of it to be quite honest, I remember crowning and screaming, then all of a sudden she plopped onto the bed and my midwife scooped her up and passed her between my legs.

I had a tiny little purplish baby in my arms crying ever so sweetly, I just kneeled there for a moment and took her all in, I held her out from my body, not sure what to do next. She was here, I was a mum, and I had no idea what to do. This was the part that scared me most, even while pregnant.

I handed her to my partner, much to his shock and lied down and took her back for a cuddle. The cord was cut by her dad when it was limp and I birthed the placenta then my midwife noticed DD attempt the newborn crawl so she helped me start breastfeeding. It was then that I knew I was going to breastfeed, no matter what it took. Good thing too, our breastfeeding relationship was rough for the first 9 weeks, I had to relactate after surgery, deal with tongue tie and bad latch which ended up leaving me with huge scars on my nipples. At my 6 week checkup, my midwife said she was so proud of me for sticking through it, most people would have given up by then dealing with that. The more I learnt about breastfeeding the more important it was for me to continue, my first goal was 6 weeks, then it was 6 months, then 9 months, then a year, then it became 18 months but DD weaned a few weeks before. My ultimate goal was 2 years but I wasn't sure if I could get there, I didn't but that's no big deal.

After an hour or so, my midwife took her to get weighed, measured and injected with the hep b vaccine (something I had no choice in, I was never asked) I'm not entirely sure if she recieved the vitamin k shot or not. I'll have to look at her birth record in her baby book..

She weighed 2580g and was 48 cm long with a 32 cm head circumference.

My life changed that day. So much. But I didn't yet feel like a woman, I still felt like a child due to how I was treated in the hospital by the staff, I will post about that another time, I still need to process it as I have never written about it before.


So there you have it, my daughter's birth story.

Peace, Love and Light

DS's birth story - A precipitous freebirth.

A little back story:

I always knew I was going to be a mother, not so young of course but had I not had my daughter so early in my life, I would still be unsure of what I am going to do with my life. My daughter was born when I was 19, she was a complete surprise for my boyfriend (now fiance) and I, but we embraced parenthood. After all, it's not like having a baby is something you can walk away from. I was studying my Bachelor of Nursing at university, but I was already starting to think about a different career option, I had dreamed of being a midwife but had no idea if I had enough passion, I hadn't had babies, I had no experience so I wouldn't really be able to empathise with the mothers. I thought I wouldn't be any good at it. I was excited about being pregnant, it was not only MY baby growing in my belly, but because I could learn from experience.


We loved almost everything about the pregnancy, neither of us enjoyed my morning sickness for the entire pregnancy but we were creating a new life together, we were becoming a family. Life was good. I had no doubt in my ability to give birth. Everyone thought I was lying when I said I was looking forward to giving birth - to me, it was just an adventure with a reward at the end, sure I thought it was going to be agonizing pain but not a medical emergency.


DD's birth was a smooth ride, I had a natural birth in the Women's and Children's Birth Centre with a lovely midwife whom was my midwife all through my pregnancy. I think I got lucky, to be quite honest. I got a midwife who was not only supportive of natural birth, but a midwife who asked me once when I arrived at the hospital if I wanted to go naturally (notice she didn't offer pain meds?) Of course I said yes, I knew I could do it on my own. And, I did. It didn't hurt nearly half as much as I imagined... thanks to the media. Her birth story will be posted another time.



When I found out we were expecting another baby when DD was 17.5 months, she had literally just self weaned off the breast (unknown at the time but due to me being pregnant, my milk started to change immediately) We were in complete shock. I was already nearly 8 weeks, I just thought my period was wonky from DD weaning. Neither of us expected it, we were avoiding pregnancy but planned to TTC after my birthday. Which was a month or so away. The timing was fine with me (Perfect actually, I badly wanted another baby), the kids will be 2 years apart. 

At first, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle 2 kids I suffered PND and was undergoing treatment. I was in a bad place, but I felt positive for the first time in so long. I went through a lot in my first year as a mum, emotionally, and physically. When my daughter was 4.5 weeks old I had emergent surgery to removed my badly inflamed stone filled gallbladder. There was then an avoidable (someone messed up, badly, nearly costing my life) complication which meant my daughter and I were separated and she was formula fed for a few days while I was back in hospital. My milk supply dipped to almost nothing (not a great start as my supply hadn't established yet) I was left traumatised and extremely angry with the hospital (there is more to this story but now is not the time). I prefer to breastfeed, not only is it the biological norm for our species therefore the only food a human infant should have until they're ready for solids, it felt wrong to feed DD formula but there are times when artificial food is necessary for whatever length of time. That was one of those times. I nursed non stop for nearly 2 weeks without using a dummy as soon as I could, and I only gave formula if she cried too much to latch (which was once) before I once again, had an abundant supply. I feared I would have just as much of a hard time second time around, but I didn't expect it as I armed myself with information that would (and did) prevent that.

I knew having another baby was going to change things, I knew I would not be comfortable giving birth in hospital, where I had gone through so much trauma from the surgery. I knew I could give birth naturally with no help, I had proven it to myself already (even though I always believed I would). I started to look into giving birth at home, a totally new idea to me, but very enticing. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease when my daughter was 8 months old, and although I was in remission and feeling really healthy, the doctors at the Women's and Children's classed me as 'High Risk'. I, to this day, do not know why. The doctor LAUGHED at me when I mentioned a home birth and went on to tell me about severe tearing (which is rare) and Crohn's so I would HAVE to be in the hospital. This sounded wrong to me, very wrong. I was flaring from Crohn's for 2 years before having my daughter, she was fine, although perhaps a little small due to the restricted nutrients (could have also been caused by severe morning sickness), I was fine, barely a 1st degree tear no stitches necessary. I was in remission this pregnancy, so I was already better off than I was before.



The doctor dismissing the home birth idea so rudely encouraged me to start researching my options. I looked into having a hospital birth, home birth and even free birth (no midwife or doctor attending). I looked up statistics, birth stories, everything I could think of. I was still early in my pregnancy, not even 20 weeks, I had time to decide. I put my name down for the Midwifery Group Practice where you are allocated a midwife who will attend the birth, just like I had with DD but I got a letter telling me I had missed out but they would keep my name down if a midwife becomes available.

It seemed like my only option was to accidentally on purpose have a home birth then head to the hospital (I even dreamed of it happening, right through my pregnancy) or have a hospital birth with an unknown midwife or doctor who I could not guarantee was going to support me and do their best to avoid triggering the PTSD.
I seriously started to think about free birthing, and hoping to know enough to feel safe doing it. I was comfortable with it, DF was not, I didn't push the issue as I needed all his support. 

Not even a month went by after getting the letter and I got a phone call from the MGP team leader telling me they had a midwife for me! I was beyond ecstatic, all the stress disappeared for a while. I told her I wanted a home birth but the doctors said I was HR, thankfully she said it didn't matter, Crohn's doesn't automatically make me high risk, my health at the time did and I was better than ever. The midwife I was allocated LOVES home births. I had the support I needed to have my baby at home!

So, I had planned a home birth with my  midwife, getting excited more as time passed but when I was 36 weeks we had to move and the new house was out of the catchment area. A home birth was no longer allowed (hospital policy), we were just 2 suburbs too far from the hospital. I was devastated for weeks but was happy enough to have a water birth in the Birth Centre at the hospital with my midwife – whom I had looked forward to sharing my birth with, she is the kind of midwife I want to be one day. Caring, passionate and respects the natural course of childbirth. I wasn't happy with the idea of any other midwife attending my birth so it was easier to decide to have bub in the birth centre, I trusted she would respect me, she had proven herself during the home prenatal visits. I was allowed to go home as soon as 4 hours were up, providing things were fine of course. Still devastated about not having a home birth, I was still looking forward to having a water birth in the birth centre with my midwife.



The funny thing about birth though, you can't expect anything. No two births are the same.


I had been contracting since 36 weeks, painless Braxton Hicks Contractions, but strong. I kept waiting for it to turn into actual labour, I was in a lot of pain in my pelvis and back, and I was just done. I can completely understand why so many women so easily agree to induction, even ask for it! But I do not believe in inducing unless true medical need, and we were in perfect health. I tried to embrace what could be the last days of my pregnancy and the one-on-one with my daughter, soon to be big sister, no longer an only child.


38 weeks and 6 days along, still nothing more than strong BH occasionally coming and going. I thought I had lost all of the mucous plug so I was expecting to give birth any time, my fiance even cut his hours just in case, so he isn't working to complete exhaustion by the time I went into labour. We were expecting a baby boy, I didn't need the ultrasound to tell me, I knew as soon as I realised I was pregnant. 
So there we were, every night I was bouncing on my gym ball, drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea as per the directions, waiting for my baby boy to start labour. I cried a lot, I was extremely emotional in the last 2 weeks. I even admit to crying just because I was still pregnant every morning. DD was born at 37+5 so I didn't expect to get to 40 weeks, even past 38 weeks. 

I was invited to (and planned to attend) a friend's wedding that day, the 16thm but something felt odd, I felt the need to stay home. I felt bad but DF distracted me by taking us to the playhouse cafe near us for a little while so DD could play and we could enjoy our time together. My back was feeling achy all day, worse than normal and I was in a bad mood. But I tried to stay happy. Something was happening, I just hoped I wasn't getting my hopes up over nothing again. We went for a short drive on a bumpy road, not thinking about helping labour at that time, but I did realise the bumps may help we then set off home, watched a few movies and then went to bed pretty late. Me, still cursing the fact that I was wrong again, I was going to be 39 weeks pregnant the next day, I had been pregnant more than a week longer than I had been with DD. It felt odd, but it felt right at the same time, I felt comfortable knowing the longer I was pregnant the better off my son would be.

At around 1:50AM on the 17th I woke to some rather intense sharp pulling sensation above my pubic bone and a deep ache deep in my pelvis, contractions. They were strong enough to pull me out of sleep, which I had just barely drifted off, remember how we stupidly had a late night. I stayed in bed for 2 or 3 but they hurt too much to lie still, how on earth any woman is able to stay in bed during labour is a mystery to me. I had a very easy painless start to my labour with DD, by the time I began timing them they were 15 to 20 minutes apart and only just getting strong enough to stop what I was doing, very different to this time around. I wasn’t timing them at this point but they were already very close, surprisingly and confusingly close. No more than a couple of minutes apart. This confused me because labour wasn’t 'meant' to start like this. Did this mean this labour would be more painful? Would I give in and get narcotic pain relief even though I knew it was not the best option for me or my son? I didn't think it would just go faster.

I went to the bathroom, and noticed a little bit of blood although no plug (I was looking for it because of the contractions trying to decide what stage I was in) and concluded it was early although established labour, I was certain I was past 4cm because of how things felt. I guessed I had about 5 hours ahead of me, we planned to leave as late as possible - the hospital is16 minutes away.
I left DF sleeping, he would need to be well rested. I posted a status on FaceBook about maybe having a baby later that day, I managed to reply to one comment and had a few more contractions before DF came out into the lounge finding me pacing in the lounge breathing through them. I wanted to relax as much as possible and not tense during the waves, I felt odd, and absolutely full of excitement. Although later on DF told me I reminded him of a wounded animal, pacing, searching for somewhere to birth. My baby was on his way earth-side. I told him I was in labour and the contractions were closer together than I expected, he walked up to me and said I should probably call my mum who was to watch DD for us while we were at the birth centre. I wanted to make sure she was ready to come when we were ready for her.

I gave my mum a call while still pacing in the lounge to let her know what was going on. The contractions were quickly becoming more painful. They were still tolerable though, I was finding it easy to hide them; or so I thought. I found myself spacing out a little while talking to her. I had several contractions and at one point mum asked how far apart they were, cottoning onto the fact that they were closer together than I was letting on. I was quite relaxed, and I admitted we hadn’t even thought of timing them yet. I remember telling her to take her time, things had only just started. She said she'll head over, obviously more aware of what was happening than I was. She had fast births, so I was 'at risk' of it too. I found this out later too.

After hanging up DF and I went to the kitchen because I wanted to have a cup of tea. Before the kettle had finished boiling, the contractions began to really hurt. I had to vocalise while having a contraction and I felt like I needed to be walking around and squatting during them. I was was feeling a lot of pressure, like I had a few bricks sitting on my pelvic floor. I knew I wouldn’t get to drink my tea before it was even made. DF tried to massage my back, knowing that last time I had wished for him to play a more active role in supporting me rather than standing back, but he only irritated me. I wanted to be left alone this time. I didn’t want to be touched, especially when I just wanted to move around and DF massaging me held me in place, or pushed me into a position that I found made the contractions intolerable until I pulled away. I was in a sour but excited mood. I wanted to be alone.

The contractions were rather intense and unrelenting, so I began timing them on my iPhone pregnancy app ‘Pregnancy Tracker’. They were around a minute and a half apart and lasting 45 seconds. DF started to get on my nerves, not fdor anything big either, he was just trying to help. I yelled at him, walked into the lounge and told him to leave me alone. I said I was going to give birth in the lounge and he wasn’t allowed to be with me. I still laugh about that. What on earth I was thinking don't know! I was very irrational, I felt stupid but I believe it’s pointless fighting emotions while in labour, that it is best to just let go and embrace it. I was starting to find it really hard to focus on anything else besides the pressure and the contractions. I tried really hard to forget the last and not think about the next one, and it helped me cope, somehow I still thought I had hours to go even though I was suspecting labour was closer to being over than starting. I lost track of time completely, I kind of expected it to be light outside, but it was barely past 2am.

It was then that he decided it was time to call my midwife and let her know I was in labour. We called the hospital and asked them to page my midwife; DF was on the phone for me because I was now at the point where I could not carry a conversation. The midwife wanted to talk to me, it was funny because it was then that I was beginning to push involuntarily through the contractions which were very very close together, and she still didn't get the fast that I was in the last stage of labour even while I was attempting to talk. I expected better from a midwife (I'm not even trained and I can pick the stage of labour by the sounds the mother is making), but didn't give it much thought until later. She said my midwife would call in 10 minutes so I asked her to hang up so we could wait. The whole situation was confusing, I was waiting for my mum, then we were heading to the hospital. What more needed to be said? If we didn't make it, we didn't make it, my mum is a trained ambulance officer so it's not like help wasn't going to be there. It wasn't like I had been shot, I was just having a baby.

I started to feel even more pressure deep in my pelvis, I swore I needed to go to the toilet so I went to the bathroom and then I decided I could not handle the contractions without water and needed to be in the shower. I was amazed at the relief I felt when I first got in the bath while in labour with DD, so I knew the shower would help until I would have to get into the car – Which terified me, I was certain that ride would be hell. But, I was focused on that bath in the birth centre where I was planning to give birth, I wanted a water birth with my daughter so badly but due to miscommunication with my midwife, it didn't happen, but at least I birthed in a position comfortable for me (Hands and knees). 

I decided I would wait for my mum while in the shower (we have one of those baths with the shower over it but to fill the bath would be a waste of time, so we thought) I couldn’t have cared less if she was to walk in and see me naked. I was detaching myself from reality and sinking to another consciousness completely. I let my conscious mind let go, I wasn't really thinking, just doing.

In the shower I remember telling DF  as soon as we got to the birth centre, I wanted the drugs, epidural maybe, even though I had a drug free birth before, I absolutely believed could not do it anymore. I kept saying ‘I can’t do this’ over and over until the peak of the contraction took over and I just stood there moaning, grunting and crying in pain. DF reassured me, bringing me back down to my calm place before the next contraction. He kept telling me I CAN do it, this was what I wanted. And he was right.

I have felt worse pain than labour (my history includes gallstones, perforated bowel and a major bowel obstruction), but at the time I did NOT want to be in labour, I wanted it to end, or at least for the pain to go away. 
Then a moment of clarity, I enjoyed it, I embraced the waves, they didn't hurt and then something made me loose focus again - most likely the bright lights and DF taking on the phone a few times. The contractions at this time are impossible to adequately describe, not totally unbearable but very hard to deal with without that focus. It felt like one long contraction that got more intense then slowly eased but before ending it started up and got more intense again. I was a little worried labour was going to be this intense and get worse for hours but I was starting to understand the situation better, DF was still trying to time the contractions for me but not knowing when they began exactly and when they ended, it was pointless.
My midwife called but I can’t remember what happened there, I do remember being told she would meet us at the BC but she didn't think I would make it in time by just listening to me in the background.

Still waiting for my mum, we just hung out in the bathroom; DD woke so DF had to settle her, I was alone for a bit, I was at ease but still not really wanting DF to be out of the room. I don’t remember hearing DD cry, she has never liked seeing me cry, it always upset her. I do remember being a little sad that she was going to miss the birth of her baby brother, but I believed I would upset her or scare her. Even though I had tried to prepare her for the birth, I had shown her birth videos because I had wanted her to be a part of the home birth. This was nothing like those videos, I was making a hell of a lot of noise and cursing a lot. My word of choice was the F word, the less clear DD hears that the better. 

The contractions were getting a little overwhelming and the pressure in my pelvis was insane. I started to complain and turned the hot water up because it wasn't hot enough to give relief. Still standing, every contraction made my whole body shake, and at the very end of each contraction I found myself squatting or leaning right over with my hands on the edge of the bath.

Something in my mind clicked. I realised I was already pushing; although it felt different than last time, I wasn't pushing with the contractions. I could feel bub's head coming down, I could feel the bag of waters with my hand, it took me a moment for everything to sink in, and then told DF to check it out. DS was almost crowning already! I thought it was the coolest thing ever, he didn’t think so, I think it grossed him out more than anything. He went back on the phone to page my midwife again, a little freaked.

I felt a strong urge to push with the contractions. Realising DF had no idea I was pushing, I told him and he told the woman on the other end of the line – the midwife who pages the group practice midwives, and she told him he legally had to call an ambulance. This is not true, she was obligated to recommend calling them, but we did not legally have to do anything. 

Hearing him say he had to call the ambulance, I panicked a little, I didn't want anyone else there at this time and began pushing even harder , harder than I needed to – big mistake, it made my waters forcefully break soon after. When my waters broke, it really stung!. It made me a little afraid to push because it kept stinging but it was too late to keep fighting the urge. My whole body took over and my conscious mind disappeared once again. I was just following my instincts. It felt so good.

I was quite happy being at home, and being with nobody but my partner was comforting. I was at the point where I didn't want to be anywhere else, I knew everything was going perfectly and because my waters were clear, I had no reason to worry if DS was in distress – which I read can often happen with precipitous births. I was more than happy to keep going as things were, I made the decision when I started to push that I was staying put, we were doing it on our own. I knew what to do and got DF to go get some towels and then turn on the heating light in the bathroom so it was warm when he was born. In my head, I was birthing, on the outside I was preparing. A strange place to be in. I never thought I would me making orders like that while pushing.

Now that I was pushing with the contractions I was feeling so much relief, it would be over soon, and it also felt really good. Like a cold drink on a hot day.

I was pushing on my hands and knees, and then stood up between pushes (There was no holding my breath and pushing to the count of 10, there was absolutely no need, if anyone had said that to me then I would have not hesitated to kick them in the face), I tried pushing once while standing but felt his head move down better when I was on my hands and knees. I don’t get why, after all, gravity is meant to help them move down; obviously not in this case. 

DF was still on the phone to 000 - they told him not to hang up so they could give instructions that he never listened to, when someone starts interfere with the natural process, things can go very wrong (when things are fine otherwise of course, there are rare circumstances that make interference necessary), my midwife called back and then he was on the phone to 2 people at once while I was pushing. I forgot he was there until he spoke to me. I was getting jelly legs from standing so long (as full of energy as I was, I was so tired) I was focused on getting this baby out.

On my hands and knees I felt DS start crowning, I was glad we have the shower over the bath, immediately after his head was out I suddenly needed to get my leg up; the edge of the bath was the perfect height. DF dropped the phones and then got ready to catch his son. I knew the rest of his body was born with the next push so we waited as long as needed, which was only long enough to stand and take a few breaths. Gripping onto the walls, leg up on the side of the bath; I got the final urge and I pushed.
He came out in a rush, I felt him slide out and immediately I reached for him. It was such a relief, and I was in ecstasy, DS was finally here. With only a few pushes.  DF took a moment to gaze at his son then handed him to me where I immediately placed him on my chest, stroking his back checking him over waiting to see if he would cry – knowing not all babies need to. I watched him quickly turn pink as he looked at me, with those eyes it was like he was looking into my soul, already knowing me, already knowing him. I didn’t want to move him too much but I did check his sex, having already had an ultrasound saying he was a boy and my intuition telling me he was a boy, I wanted to confirm it.

DS was born at 3:13am, about 90 minutes, no more, of labour.

He was finally here, and I was feeling on top of the world. I did it, and I got the home birth I thought I wasn't going to experience, and we did it on our own. DF said something about waiting for the ambulance outside, letting DD out of her room to meet her brother.

DD came into the bathroom, staring in wonder at this tiny little person in my arms. She looked at the scene, maybe remembering the birth videos, and acknowledged what had happened, “Baby” she says, pointing to DS. Until then, baby meant my belly.

I knew I tore, I could feel it there. I was stinging with every slight movement of the cord, and so I stayed squatting under the shower holding my little boy, saying ‘Hello’ over and over for about 10 minutes, looking at his tiny perfect little self when the ambulance officers finally arrived. I was so relieved they were too late. The attending officer was a bit disappointed, after 15 years as an officer; he just missed out on his first delivery. They kinda messed with my high because of all the questions. I wanted to get cleaned up, get a blanket and snuggle with my little boy in bed and nurse him. But I knew I would probably need to be sutured and my midwife was waiting for us. We never thought to ask for the ambulance officers help to get me out of the shower, they just stood in the doorway, chatting to us deciding what to do. I was not pleased to be squatting in the shower under running water, naked in front of two strange men, shaking, and holding my son while waiting to see what was going to happen next. I didn’t know what I was expected to do. I knew what I wanted to do, get in bed and snuggle with my little boy.

It was decided we would get in the ambulance and they would take us to hospital, we only had one car seat and felt we had to leave with them. They started deciding what they were going to do first. Cutting the cord was, for some reason, the first thing they thought of. Not getting us dried off and warm like we needed to be. I was very tired and could barely feel my legs anymore. I had to beg for help to get out of the bath, DF was dealing with DD at the time.

I didn’t want them to cut the cord, I wanted to wait until the placenta had been born before cutting it, for a minute I thought they were going to lie and tell me they had to but thankfully they didn't force the issue. I planned to delay cord clamping regardless of where I gave birth, my midwife was very supportive so I didn't want things to change just because I accidentally gave birth at home. There are more benefits than risks when it comes to delaying cord clamping/ cutting. DS was never jaundiced and I honestly believe it is because of that – he got all the blood he needed from the placenta before it was cut. 1/3rd of your baby's blood is stored in the placenta during birth - when they're being squeazed the blood can't stay in the baby's body but they need it back once out
.

When they (finally) helped me out of the bath there was a small gush of blood as I stood, this let me know the placenta had detached but I was not ready to deliver it, I was too sore, felt too vulnerable and we had nothing to catch it in. I got wrapped up in blankets and towels, with large gaps so I was very cold. I walked out to the drive way where I had to try and get on the stretcher, they didn't really touch me to help (I should have waited for my mum and drove to the hospital myself, the most they did was drive us there, not worth the $900 bill)

The APGAR was then done in the back (I seriously think they were trying to find things to do, this was not even useful info for my midwife, it was done too late to count) and, bub scored a 10, of course. My mum then arrived, just moments after DF said he would wait for her at home with DD then head up to meet me at the hospital. I was relieved because I didn't want to go alone. I was afraid of going alone.

In the back of the ambulance I began to feel the after pains. I never felt them with DD. They were like contractions, but weaker. My MW later said they would be more painful than if I had a normal length labour because my uterus works in 'fast forward'. A heated wheat bag worked wonders in the birth centre, unfortunately I didn't have that in the ambulance, and so I cringed and squirmed through the pains, getting irritated at the officer in the back with me. DS then began the newborn breast crawl; he was a bit stuck to my chest so I gave him a hand and so we had our first nursing session in the back of the ambulance. It was a bit tricky helping him latch because of all the blankets weighing us down but we managed, more oxytocin flooded my body. I felt so much love inside me, it's hard to explain.

When we arrived at the hospital my midwife met us at the door, saying 'Well, you got your home birth!" I vaguely remember saying I wish she had been there but thinking the opposite, although I really loved my midwife. We went straight up to the BC to get checked over.
I delivered the placenta there in the birth centre after he finished nursing. I wanted to get off the stretcher but couldn't until the cord was cut so I took DS off but he didn't care, he was back on as soon as I was on the bed. DF cut the cord I got off the stretcher and got on the bed while my midwife dismissed the officers. 

second breastfeed, just after delivering the placenta, still wrapped up in the ambulance blankets, about an hour after giving birth

DF was then weighed after I had enough time with him, my arms were so tired. I was a bit shocked because my fundal height had been measuring 2 weeks behind but I had a perfectly healthy 3.5kg (7lbs 11oz) baby. DD was on the smaller side, weighing in at 2.58kg (around 5lbs 10oz) so with DS we were expecting a *maybe* 3kg baby.

I ended up with a second degree nearly 3^rd degree tear (not bad considering the speed DS shot out) I got stitched up, which was terrifying, I hate needles, and tearing was a secret deep fear of mine. My midwife distracted me enough to easily numb the area. I was extremely grateful it was still a second degree, anything worse required a doctor and separation from my son. I then had a shower, I almost fainted from exhaustion so it was a very short one, but it was relaxing. 
We were both in perfect health and were allowed home at 8am, just 4 hours after the placenta had been born. To pass the time we all slept in the birth room until we could go. DS was separated from me for a short time, he was taken (with super proud daddy following) to a little room in the midwives station (the office is in the entrance to the birth centre rooms so he was technically just outside the room) to do the newborn exam and lie on a warming bed. His temperature had dropped a bit much on the way to the hospital as he was wet and we were badly wrapped. 
At 9am my mum arrived to pick us up. I realised at 7:30am that we hadn't organised a way to get home, thankfully one of my best friends was working night shift and finished not long before I called so she was able to get her son and watch DD until mum brought us home. Then, finally we went back home. Barely able to believe our son was here, after such an exciting birth.

Baby J (DS) was born on the 17th April 2011, 3:13am, weighing 7lbs 11oz, 48cm long and his head was 34cm round.

I got my perfect birth, the first person to touch my son was his dad, my daughter got to meet him before we left and we did it on our own at home. It's been 13 months and I'm still on a high! I can't wait to do it again.


So there's my son's birth story. A precipitous, last minute free birth at home.