Monday morning on the 23rd of March, somewhere between midnight and 3am I started to get crampy back pain, I dismissed it thinking it was nothing because I had some
back pain due to my hips loosening, so I went to sleep.
After a
restless sleep I woke up at 9 when my partner (OH) got up for work and still had
the back pain, after an hour I went to the loo and noticed a show, still
thinking it was nothing, because I believed a show isn't a definite 'you're in
labour' sign, real labour could start a few days from now so I went and
had a shower but told my partner, he didn't want to leave because he thought I
was in labour but I reassured him and he went to work. He sent
messages every half hour or less asking if I was ok and if it was time because when he left I was in a bit more
pain and every time I peed I got a bad cramp in my belly (not once did I
think it was a contraction)
I updated facebook status saying I might be in labour because the 'pain' was getting worse but I because the pain
was bad in my back I didnt really notice any contractions...any I
noticed were mistaken for BH.
Then it got to the point where I
noticed the contractions-sharp pains in my lower belly (not my whole
belly like BH which is what I expected) it was around 11am, so I texted mum saying I wasn't
sure if it was it but I would soon know...she rang and asked me
questions and said she'd come over (meanwhile I'm bawling my eyes out
because I didnt know what to think) she said it sounded like I was in
labour but I didnt want to believe it.
My partner texted me asking
again if I thought it was it, I said I still didn't know. Mum arrived and
then we chatted for a bit then went shopping for a few things (heat
pack for my back) and in the hope that if I was in fact in labour,
moving around would get things moving quicker.
We got home and my OH said he was coming home (he sent me a message while we were out
and mum told me to tell him it was the early stages, oh I was so excited!!!)
OH got home and I told my best friend I was in labour, she asked if I wanted her to come over, and because I was so excited I said yes. After a while OH convinced me to
call my midwife. I was having contractions about 5 minutes apart at this point I think, maybe a little further apart. I could still laugh through them so I wasn't too bothered by the pain, it really wasn't that painful. I expected OMG I AM DYING type pain, but this was like I'd just been running around and got a stitch. I was
struggling to keep out of everyone's way while they packed my labour bag
- I hadn't really bothered yet because I was only 37 weeks and 5 days
along and it was my first birth because I was so full of energy. I called my midwife and I started crying, overwhelmed with how fast everything seemed to go, she was on her way soon after to come check if I was in labour so could labour at home.
When my midwife
arrived she said she'd have to do an exam, I wanted to avoid them
but I was desperate to know if I was in labour and we both knew an exam was going to give me that information.
I
was 4cm dialated and my waters were bulging at bub's head and she was
fully engaged (as you'd expect) and I was in the active stage of labour!
I couldnt believe it, I was in labour and didn't even know it!! I
expected it to be much worse. I came out of the bedroom with my midwife laughing because I couldn't believe it.
My midwife expected that in 4 hours
I'd be at the hospital and ready to go but if the pain go too much, by
all means head in earlier just call ahead and tell them to page her
saying I'm on my way. She expected that bub would be here that night, she obviously knew my labour wasn't going to be a long labour. I
had to time my contractions, they were coming every 2 minutes and
lasting not quite a minute on average, when they were a minute or more I it would be the best time to head to the hospital.
I managed a few hours at home, I
am not sure exactly how much but I think it was about 5:30-6 when I
needed the bath in the birth centre and I wanted my midwife...even
though I had mum, OH and my friend there with me, it wasn't the right support.
We called ahead
and we left, by this stage I was having contractions every 2 minutes and
now lasting about a minute and they were agony during the car trip, I
spent the whole way crying, I needed to MOVE!. Every time I cried out OH panicked
and asked if I was ok, all I said was there was nothing I could do about
it and to keep driving. I thought it was pretty funny at the time.
We got to the hospital and I was dropped
off out the front while OH went to find a park (mum and my friend followed in their cars) I was apparently told to go up while they went
to find the park but I didn't hear so I paced out the front waiting
having quite a few longer and closer contractions. Several people asked
if I was ok, all I said was I'm in labour and I'm waiting for someone. I thought that was amusing too.
OH and mum finally came to me (after telling me I was told to go up
already and me insisting they didn't) and then we headed up to the Womens Assessment Clinic where we met my midwife. She got me to sign some papers, not
easy in the middle of a contraction but I got something that resembled a
signature on it, then we headed up to the birth centre where my MW checked my BP and bub's heartrate which were good and then I hopped in
the bath, without another exam...oh it was bliss on my backpain, but my contractions slowed
down..I didn't mind though and it wasn't an issue.
Then pretty quickly the
contractions started coming hard and fast with little or no break in
between and I was starting to hyperventilate which wasn't helping. I
called my midwife because I needed more reassurance that it would be
over soon, I wasn't coping too well and I asked for the gas
(something I really regret now) and she said she'd do another exam to see where I was at, probably well aware I was in transition. I got out of the bath, something I regretted instantly. I was almost fully
dialated, there was just a tiny cervial lip to go so I allowed her to break
my waters, I think this
was about 7:45. I didn't feel entirely supported at this time, my midwife let my 'supports' do all the reassuring and they sat back and watched. I really felt alone at this point, and freaking out because everything was hurting and so intense.
When she broke my waters it was the weirdest
feeling, in a way I regret allowing them to be broken because I wanted a
natural birth and this wasnt natural but in hindsight it's what kept me
going, I was young and although prepared for natural birth, had no idea what it was really like, I had never seen a birth before. She then sent me to the toilet telling me I needed to empty my
bowels so off I went, after a while of pushing all of a sudden I could
feel her head moving down. I freaked out and stood up and said 'I can
feel the head!!' Sitting on the loo helped move her down past the lip as it melted away, possibly speeding up the next stage, then the urge to push hit me.
I tried to run over to the bed and I can't remember exactly what happened but I
ended up on my hands and knees pushing..I desperately needed someting to
grab onto, like a bar but there was nothing at the head of the bed
besides Apparently at one stage I was holding onto my OH and then
had a contraction and almost snapped his neck. I was screaming while I pushed, I was pretty scared at this time. I remember thinking with absolute horror that I had to push that baby out now.
Pushing was intense, because I was not on my back or standing up, there wasn't much pressure in my bottom so it never felt like a big bowel movement as is so often described (I experienced that second time around haha) I don't remember too much of it to be quite honest, I remember crowning and screaming, then all of a sudden she plopped onto the bed and my midwife scooped her up and passed her between my legs.
I had a tiny little purplish baby in my arms crying ever so sweetly, I just kneeled there for a moment and took her all in, I held her out from my body, not sure what to do next. She was here, I was a mum, and I had no idea what to do. This was the part that scared me most, even while pregnant.
I handed her to my partner, much to his shock and lied down and took her back for a cuddle. The cord was cut by her dad when it was limp and I birthed the placenta then my midwife noticed DD attempt the newborn crawl so she helped me start breastfeeding. It was then that I knew I was going to breastfeed, no matter what it took. Good thing too, our breastfeeding relationship was rough for the first 9 weeks, I had to relactate after surgery, deal with tongue tie and bad latch which ended up leaving me with huge scars on my nipples. At my 6 week checkup, my midwife said she was so proud of me for sticking through it, most people would have given up by then dealing with that. The more I learnt about breastfeeding the more important it was for me to continue, my first goal was 6 weeks, then it was 6 months, then 9 months, then a year, then it became 18 months but DD weaned a few weeks before. My ultimate goal was 2 years but I wasn't sure if I could get there, I didn't but that's no big deal.
After an hour or so, my midwife took her to get weighed, measured and injected with the hep b vaccine (something I had no choice in, I was never asked) I'm not entirely sure if she recieved the vitamin k shot or not. I'll have to look at her birth record in her baby book..
She weighed 2580g and was 48 cm long with a 32 cm head circumference.
My life changed that day. So much. But I didn't yet feel like a woman, I still felt like a child due to how I was treated in the hospital by the staff, I will post about that another time, I still need to process it as I have never written about it before.
So there you have it, my daughter's birth story.
Peace, Love and Light
Friday, 29 June 2012
7 weeks 5 days :)
Well, this is what everyone must be waiting for ;)
I got my BFP!!!!!!
Just when I was starting to REALLY doubt we were sucessful, since the odds are 25% chance each cycle for the average couple, as there's no garantee when the egg is released the fallopian tubes catch it. I was seriously preparing for AF to arrive, I started cramping a fair bit.
Just 2 days before AF was due I did another test, I had a feeling, it's rather difficult to explain, and so I did, this brand is particularly sensitive but I still waited a week after getting the false negatives. It was the middle of the day on the saturday when something in my head said, it's time, you'll get the positive today.
Lo and behold, I got my positive. BUT it's still a secret from family and most friends so if you are one of my friends reading this, please refrain from mentioning this on and social networking site. We're going to send a photo with a pregnancy announcement to our families interstate.
I am currently 7.5 weeks along, morning sickness kicked in on week 6, earlier than usual. It's awful, awful AWFUL! I don't remember being this sick with the other two. I hope this time my morning sickness goes away at least and not hang around the whole pregnancy. I am struggling to find something to eat that doesn't make my stomach churn, I'm going to buy ginger when we go shopping so I can make ginger tea, my life saver for morning sickness. I have horrible acne, I hope it clears up like it usually does once the first trimester is over, it's not just my face that's covered, my arms and back too, it's really depressing looking in the mirror or having a shower and seeing it...
I am still breastfeeding and am letting DS self wean, if he doesn't then I'll be tandem nursing. My OH isn't comfortable with the idea but I've become quite familliar with this so to me it's quite normal. He will not ask me to wean thankfully, he says it's my right to decide if I stop or keep going, so I said I'm going to keep it up. It's the best way to calm a distressed child :). I am sure if DS is still nursing when LO is born my OH will have become used to me nursing an older child and newborn, he will do what he always does when the boundaries placed by society fall away and he sees it for what it is, me feeding and comforting my children. He's a beautiful person, my undying support, I am so blessed to have him in my life.
I have a feeling this baby might be a girl, my partner keeps insisting twins - twin boys (haha he wishes). I'm a little afraid of twins, I don't think I have that much faith in birth that I'd freebirth twins, I'd have to really consider my options and learn more about twin births before even considering it to be quite honest, as much as I would love to, so I would have to go to the hospital. That, in itself, is terrifying to me. As I mentioned in a previous post the hospitals here are really awful for birthing women, I would bet they would insist on induction or a c-section simply because I have a history of fast births and there's twins... not that I would agree to either, spontanoues natural labour is how I roll ;) I don't fear actually birthing twins, just the care I would likely recieve. I don't think I have twins though, so I still am having a free pregnancy and freebirthing unless I discover my partner is actually right.
I have updated my due date to the 11th of Feburary, since there were 6 days between the 2 due dates (the first being LMP and the second being from the last day ovulation was probable) I stuck with one in the middle. 6 days isn't enough for me to feel the need to use the latest due date, since I have so far not made it to 40 weeks, and I know the earlier due date is wrong and I can't bring myself to use a due date I know is inaccurate. I wonder how doctors manage to give out EDDs without knowing the length of a woman's cycle then try and justify induction if they're 'late', they can't even know if the baby is actually term or not until it's over, it's too often babies are supposedly late but appear premmature at birth. So, instead of 40 weeks, the mother could have only actually been 38 weeks. This is why is is NOT a good idea to induce before 42 weeks without medical indication. I'm sure mothers would wait just a bit longer if they knew they were risking a NICU stay for their baby.
I'm so happy to be pregnant, even though I feel so sickly. I'm noticing slight changes in my belly already, in a few weeks my uterus will begin to poke above the pubic bone, a few more after that I might start feeling the baby move and then a few more after that I'm having the morphology scan to confirm everything is where is should and I won't need to be in hospital for immediate care for my baby.
I'm a little bit nervous about giving birth, only because I know I dilate with BH contractions and last time I was at least 4cm before labor started (I checked myself a day before out of curiosity, I couldn't feel my cervix but I did feel bub's head and the bag of waters) so I'm REALLY hoping, I have enough time to fill the bath and have the water birth I have dreamed of having since I was pregnant with my daughter. I'm hoping I don't get stuck somewhere I don't want to give birth but am comfortable, I've had nightmares of visiting someone in hospital only to start labour and not being allowed to leave. Subconsciously I am afraid someone will try and take my rights as a birthing woman away, as is so common these days. Legally I'm covered, legally it's my right to say no, but there are people who ignore that and I am afraid of them. Birthing women are having to fight for our right to have a normal birth instead of an intervention filled drugged out birth, likely to end in a section. Drugs have a place in birth but NOT when the doctor tells the mother she needs it. We have to fight to say no to VOLUNTARY testing (emphasise voluntary because they aren't necessary for your baby's health or your own), we have a right to say no to IV's cervical exams and staying in bed. We are allowed to demand food for energy during labour, we're allowed to move around and help the baby out using gravity, we're ALLOWED to give birth at home with the caregiver we choose. It's the awesome thing about having rights to our sexual and reproductive health (which includes childbirth), and nobody has the right to take that away :)
I'm feeling a bit better, not quite so nauseated so I'm now going outside to play with the kids :)
Peace Love and Light.
I got my BFP!!!!!!
Just when I was starting to REALLY doubt we were sucessful, since the odds are 25% chance each cycle for the average couple, as there's no garantee when the egg is released the fallopian tubes catch it. I was seriously preparing for AF to arrive, I started cramping a fair bit.
Just 2 days before AF was due I did another test, I had a feeling, it's rather difficult to explain, and so I did, this brand is particularly sensitive but I still waited a week after getting the false negatives. It was the middle of the day on the saturday when something in my head said, it's time, you'll get the positive today.
Lo and behold, I got my positive. BUT it's still a secret from family and most friends so if you are one of my friends reading this, please refrain from mentioning this on and social networking site. We're going to send a photo with a pregnancy announcement to our families interstate.
I am currently 7.5 weeks along, morning sickness kicked in on week 6, earlier than usual. It's awful, awful AWFUL! I don't remember being this sick with the other two. I hope this time my morning sickness goes away at least and not hang around the whole pregnancy. I am struggling to find something to eat that doesn't make my stomach churn, I'm going to buy ginger when we go shopping so I can make ginger tea, my life saver for morning sickness. I have horrible acne, I hope it clears up like it usually does once the first trimester is over, it's not just my face that's covered, my arms and back too, it's really depressing looking in the mirror or having a shower and seeing it...
I am still breastfeeding and am letting DS self wean, if he doesn't then I'll be tandem nursing. My OH isn't comfortable with the idea but I've become quite familliar with this so to me it's quite normal. He will not ask me to wean thankfully, he says it's my right to decide if I stop or keep going, so I said I'm going to keep it up. It's the best way to calm a distressed child :). I am sure if DS is still nursing when LO is born my OH will have become used to me nursing an older child and newborn, he will do what he always does when the boundaries placed by society fall away and he sees it for what it is, me feeding and comforting my children. He's a beautiful person, my undying support, I am so blessed to have him in my life.
I have a feeling this baby might be a girl, my partner keeps insisting twins - twin boys (haha he wishes). I'm a little afraid of twins, I don't think I have that much faith in birth that I'd freebirth twins, I'd have to really consider my options and learn more about twin births before even considering it to be quite honest, as much as I would love to, so I would have to go to the hospital. That, in itself, is terrifying to me. As I mentioned in a previous post the hospitals here are really awful for birthing women, I would bet they would insist on induction or a c-section simply because I have a history of fast births and there's twins... not that I would agree to either, spontanoues natural labour is how I roll ;) I don't fear actually birthing twins, just the care I would likely recieve. I don't think I have twins though, so I still am having a free pregnancy and freebirthing unless I discover my partner is actually right.
I have updated my due date to the 11th of Feburary, since there were 6 days between the 2 due dates (the first being LMP and the second being from the last day ovulation was probable) I stuck with one in the middle. 6 days isn't enough for me to feel the need to use the latest due date, since I have so far not made it to 40 weeks, and I know the earlier due date is wrong and I can't bring myself to use a due date I know is inaccurate. I wonder how doctors manage to give out EDDs without knowing the length of a woman's cycle then try and justify induction if they're 'late', they can't even know if the baby is actually term or not until it's over, it's too often babies are supposedly late but appear premmature at birth. So, instead of 40 weeks, the mother could have only actually been 38 weeks. This is why is is NOT a good idea to induce before 42 weeks without medical indication. I'm sure mothers would wait just a bit longer if they knew they were risking a NICU stay for their baby.
I'm so happy to be pregnant, even though I feel so sickly. I'm noticing slight changes in my belly already, in a few weeks my uterus will begin to poke above the pubic bone, a few more after that I might start feeling the baby move and then a few more after that I'm having the morphology scan to confirm everything is where is should and I won't need to be in hospital for immediate care for my baby.
I'm a little bit nervous about giving birth, only because I know I dilate with BH contractions and last time I was at least 4cm before labor started (I checked myself a day before out of curiosity, I couldn't feel my cervix but I did feel bub's head and the bag of waters) so I'm REALLY hoping, I have enough time to fill the bath and have the water birth I have dreamed of having since I was pregnant with my daughter. I'm hoping I don't get stuck somewhere I don't want to give birth but am comfortable, I've had nightmares of visiting someone in hospital only to start labour and not being allowed to leave. Subconsciously I am afraid someone will try and take my rights as a birthing woman away, as is so common these days. Legally I'm covered, legally it's my right to say no, but there are people who ignore that and I am afraid of them. Birthing women are having to fight for our right to have a normal birth instead of an intervention filled drugged out birth, likely to end in a section. Drugs have a place in birth but NOT when the doctor tells the mother she needs it. We have to fight to say no to VOLUNTARY testing (emphasise voluntary because they aren't necessary for your baby's health or your own), we have a right to say no to IV's cervical exams and staying in bed. We are allowed to demand food for energy during labour, we're allowed to move around and help the baby out using gravity, we're ALLOWED to give birth at home with the caregiver we choose. It's the awesome thing about having rights to our sexual and reproductive health (which includes childbirth), and nobody has the right to take that away :)
I'm feeling a bit better, not quite so nauseated so I'm now going outside to play with the kids :)
Peace Love and Light.
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Telling people I was pregnant with my first was TERRIFYING since I was still technically a teen..
Tomorrow AF is due. I'm getting depressed each day I do a test and it comes up negative. I still have hope, I don't feel ANY impending AF symptoms. Dum spiro, spero. While I breathe, I hope.
If I do get a postitive, I'll be keeping it to myself and my closest friends for a little while. I just want to have that little secret for a while, I never got that with my other two kids. Everyone knew practically immediately, and I never felt special when they did know.
With my first pregnancy I was in university, on my day off as usual I was spending time with my boyfriend. We were in the city and someone was walking in front of me smoking a cigarette, which normally doesn't bother me too much. This time just the fact that he was smoking made me furious, I wanted to kick him for smoking. Yep, I was moody, and yes, violence was an appealing thing. My boyfriend turned to me and said 'I think you're pregnant" to which I replied, NO WAY!
Ha, if only I knew.
He managed to convince me to allow him to buy a pregnancy test, I got faint lines for about a week but I didn't believe I was pregnant until the very last test. I went to spend the day with my best friend because we both had a day off uni and wanted to do a Pirates of the Carribean movie night. I was taking to her about the tests and how there were very light lines, but I wasn't sure if I was seeing things. So she tells me she has a spare test in her bathroom and I could use it and she would be my second opinion. I peed on the stick and before I got to the hallway I found myself saying "I don't think I need a second opinion" and bawled my eyes out. I said, I'm going to be a mum! The blue line was bright as day, I was definitely pregnant. I called my boyfriend that night when I got home, I had told him the previous tests were negative so I was nervous.
We had discussed abortion when we first thought I was pregnant, but in his words, 'You're not killing my baby" were all I needed to hear. Harsh words but I was scared he would tell me to have an abortion, I didn't see abortion as killing something because in my nursing mindset, it wasn't a baby yet (Of course I know better now, it is technically taking a life albeit underdeveloped). However, abortion was something I knew I would never be able to bring myself to do through with. I knew if I was pregnant, I was having a baby. Having him being entirely supportive and actually excited about having a baby meant more than the world to me. However, at the time, he didn't think I was pregnant since I had already told him the tests were negative.
Very very nervous. I called him and said "I know I said the tests were negative, well, I did another one today at my friend's place and, well, it has 2 lines, I'm definitely pregnant"
He was silent for a bit, we were in complete shock. We did NOT expect that, but thankfully we had already prepared for the idea I could be pregnant. And true to his promise, he stayed by my side and is now my wonderful fiance.
His mum is a smart cookie, she worked it out pretty quick. The docs suspected an ectopic pregnancy (outside the womb, can be very dangerous) so I was having a blood test every few days and had an ultrasound at the very end of the week, I was still very early, I was 5 weeks 3 days when I had the ultrasound. Nobody besides my friend knew, but the doctors appointments were a bit suss. I was spending a lot more time with my boyfriend, he was driving me to appointments and I was extremely stressed. So, his mum worked it out before we had a chance to tell people. My oh my was she excited! She said I could move in with Scott until we got out own place. She already adored me, as I did her.
When all the tests were over, I was indeed pregnant with a little blob with a yolk that was to become a baby and born around 8th April 2009. I began to relax, a little bit.
A few days later, my boyfriend tells me his mum worked out out. She was cool with it, but at the same time, not sure what to think. She allowed herself to get excited, and bought some baby clothes. To this day, I still have that little jumpsuit and socks.
My parents, well, quite frankly if I didn't have to tell them I wouldn't have. I was petrified of their reaction. I had a little drama with uni so for a weekend I went to stay with my parents, I was ill, depressed and not my usual self but they just dismissed it as depression and stress from uni. The weekend was alright, I told my mates who lived in town, they were all happy for me, and promised not to say a word to anyone just yet. I managed to keep it a secret from mostly everyone until I was 14 weeks :)
The day they took me back to my place, they finally met my boyfriend as we went past his work. Since they lived in the country it made it hard for them to meet him sooner. When they took me home we had a discussion about my uni, I told them I wanted to quit so they decided to take me back to theirs but I refused. I told them I was allowed to stay with my boyfriend, and that I wanted to, I told them I was afraid our relatioship would not last if I was to move to the country again. My mum, dad and younger brother were there, dad and my brother went to get some boxes for us while mum and I stayed back and packed. Mum was crying, the discussion we had brought up a lot of feelings, so while she was already crying, and moments away from her finding my pregnancy books and prenatal vitamins, I blurted it out.
"Mum, I have something to tell you" She looks at me, wary. "Mum, I'm having a baby". I was so glad she was already crying. She gave me a hug and sobbed. The first thing she said to me was, how far along to which I replied 7 weeks. We hugged again and she promised to wait until I wasn't with dad to tell him, as his reaction scared me most. What father, who was a teenage father himself, wishes for his daughter to be pregnant at 18, barely out of home and in a new relationship.
Turned out I had nothing to fear. After dropping me off at my new home, mum went to pick up dad and my brother (my stuff filled the car :P) and she told him. Since they were heading home, he called me and the conversation went like this:
"So, mum told me"
"Told you what?" Playing cool, thinking maybe he doesn't know yet.
"That you're pregnant, it's ok, I'm happy as long as you're happy, I love you"
Cue blubbering and thanking my dad until he hangs up.
My parents, we so cool with it! Nowhere near as scary as I thought it would be.
I waited until I was 14 weeks to tell my aunt, nervous about her reaction because she had a 1 year old son. Her birth was traumatic, after the birth of my DD she said she wished her traumatic birth on me....family is so lovely, huh? Just because I had an easy birth, I deserved to have that wished upon me.
She was 'ok' with my pregnancy, not that I cared about her opinion at that time anymore, I just wanted to tell her before it was too late. Even though I didn't tell my grandparents until I was 22 weeks and already knew I was carrying a girl.
I have some not so great family history so I won't go into the reasons why I waited so long right now.
Nobody believed I was ready, but they did say I was mature enough to make the right decisions. I found parenthood relatively easy compared what I expected. I thought I'd be pacing halls with a screaming baby for endless nights. I guess with co-sleeping and nursing on demand helped me avoid that ;) Breastfeeding became something I LOVED once I got past the nightmarish 9 weeks where I had no idea what I was doing let alone how to properly latch my baby on. Being a mum was the light in my life, even when major depression crept in. Everyone who thought I wouldnt be able to do it, were proven wrong, and they didn't like that. What a lovely culture I am a part of, where everyone doubts a woman's ablility to what she is designed for.
I loved being a mum so much that when I found out I was pregnant for the second time 15 months later, I was thrilled, even though it didn't happen the way I wanted it to.
So, there you have it, how I told people I was pregnant with my daughter, at 18 years old :)
I'll write about my son next, and how I found out I was pregnant with him and how announcing his existance was :)
Thankyou for reading my blog.
I apologise if my writing seems erratic, I'm in between writing and chasing kids :P
Peace, Love and Light x
If I do get a postitive, I'll be keeping it to myself and my closest friends for a little while. I just want to have that little secret for a while, I never got that with my other two kids. Everyone knew practically immediately, and I never felt special when they did know.
This post is about my first pregnancy, and how I told people.
With my first pregnancy I was in university, on my day off as usual I was spending time with my boyfriend. We were in the city and someone was walking in front of me smoking a cigarette, which normally doesn't bother me too much. This time just the fact that he was smoking made me furious, I wanted to kick him for smoking. Yep, I was moody, and yes, violence was an appealing thing. My boyfriend turned to me and said 'I think you're pregnant" to which I replied, NO WAY!
Ha, if only I knew.
He managed to convince me to allow him to buy a pregnancy test, I got faint lines for about a week but I didn't believe I was pregnant until the very last test. I went to spend the day with my best friend because we both had a day off uni and wanted to do a Pirates of the Carribean movie night. I was taking to her about the tests and how there were very light lines, but I wasn't sure if I was seeing things. So she tells me she has a spare test in her bathroom and I could use it and she would be my second opinion. I peed on the stick and before I got to the hallway I found myself saying "I don't think I need a second opinion" and bawled my eyes out. I said, I'm going to be a mum! The blue line was bright as day, I was definitely pregnant. I called my boyfriend that night when I got home, I had told him the previous tests were negative so I was nervous.
We had discussed abortion when we first thought I was pregnant, but in his words, 'You're not killing my baby" were all I needed to hear. Harsh words but I was scared he would tell me to have an abortion, I didn't see abortion as killing something because in my nursing mindset, it wasn't a baby yet (Of course I know better now, it is technically taking a life albeit underdeveloped). However, abortion was something I knew I would never be able to bring myself to do through with. I knew if I was pregnant, I was having a baby. Having him being entirely supportive and actually excited about having a baby meant more than the world to me. However, at the time, he didn't think I was pregnant since I had already told him the tests were negative.
Very very nervous. I called him and said "I know I said the tests were negative, well, I did another one today at my friend's place and, well, it has 2 lines, I'm definitely pregnant"
He was silent for a bit, we were in complete shock. We did NOT expect that, but thankfully we had already prepared for the idea I could be pregnant. And true to his promise, he stayed by my side and is now my wonderful fiance.
His mum is a smart cookie, she worked it out pretty quick. The docs suspected an ectopic pregnancy (outside the womb, can be very dangerous) so I was having a blood test every few days and had an ultrasound at the very end of the week, I was still very early, I was 5 weeks 3 days when I had the ultrasound. Nobody besides my friend knew, but the doctors appointments were a bit suss. I was spending a lot more time with my boyfriend, he was driving me to appointments and I was extremely stressed. So, his mum worked it out before we had a chance to tell people. My oh my was she excited! She said I could move in with Scott until we got out own place. She already adored me, as I did her.
When all the tests were over, I was indeed pregnant with a little blob with a yolk that was to become a baby and born around 8th April 2009. I began to relax, a little bit.
A few days later, my boyfriend tells me his mum worked out out. She was cool with it, but at the same time, not sure what to think. She allowed herself to get excited, and bought some baby clothes. To this day, I still have that little jumpsuit and socks.
My parents, well, quite frankly if I didn't have to tell them I wouldn't have. I was petrified of their reaction. I had a little drama with uni so for a weekend I went to stay with my parents, I was ill, depressed and not my usual self but they just dismissed it as depression and stress from uni. The weekend was alright, I told my mates who lived in town, they were all happy for me, and promised not to say a word to anyone just yet. I managed to keep it a secret from mostly everyone until I was 14 weeks :)
The day they took me back to my place, they finally met my boyfriend as we went past his work. Since they lived in the country it made it hard for them to meet him sooner. When they took me home we had a discussion about my uni, I told them I wanted to quit so they decided to take me back to theirs but I refused. I told them I was allowed to stay with my boyfriend, and that I wanted to, I told them I was afraid our relatioship would not last if I was to move to the country again. My mum, dad and younger brother were there, dad and my brother went to get some boxes for us while mum and I stayed back and packed. Mum was crying, the discussion we had brought up a lot of feelings, so while she was already crying, and moments away from her finding my pregnancy books and prenatal vitamins, I blurted it out.
"Mum, I have something to tell you" She looks at me, wary. "Mum, I'm having a baby". I was so glad she was already crying. She gave me a hug and sobbed. The first thing she said to me was, how far along to which I replied 7 weeks. We hugged again and she promised to wait until I wasn't with dad to tell him, as his reaction scared me most. What father, who was a teenage father himself, wishes for his daughter to be pregnant at 18, barely out of home and in a new relationship.
Turned out I had nothing to fear. After dropping me off at my new home, mum went to pick up dad and my brother (my stuff filled the car :P) and she told him. Since they were heading home, he called me and the conversation went like this:
"So, mum told me"
"Told you what?" Playing cool, thinking maybe he doesn't know yet.
"That you're pregnant, it's ok, I'm happy as long as you're happy, I love you"
Cue blubbering and thanking my dad until he hangs up.
My parents, we so cool with it! Nowhere near as scary as I thought it would be.
I waited until I was 14 weeks to tell my aunt, nervous about her reaction because she had a 1 year old son. Her birth was traumatic, after the birth of my DD she said she wished her traumatic birth on me....family is so lovely, huh? Just because I had an easy birth, I deserved to have that wished upon me.
She was 'ok' with my pregnancy, not that I cared about her opinion at that time anymore, I just wanted to tell her before it was too late. Even though I didn't tell my grandparents until I was 22 weeks and already knew I was carrying a girl.
I have some not so great family history so I won't go into the reasons why I waited so long right now.
Nobody believed I was ready, but they did say I was mature enough to make the right decisions. I found parenthood relatively easy compared what I expected. I thought I'd be pacing halls with a screaming baby for endless nights. I guess with co-sleeping and nursing on demand helped me avoid that ;) Breastfeeding became something I LOVED once I got past the nightmarish 9 weeks where I had no idea what I was doing let alone how to properly latch my baby on. Being a mum was the light in my life, even when major depression crept in. Everyone who thought I wouldnt be able to do it, were proven wrong, and they didn't like that. What a lovely culture I am a part of, where everyone doubts a woman's ablility to what she is designed for.
I loved being a mum so much that when I found out I was pregnant for the second time 15 months later, I was thrilled, even though it didn't happen the way I wanted it to.
So, there you have it, how I told people I was pregnant with my daughter, at 18 years old :)
I'll write about my son next, and how I found out I was pregnant with him and how announcing his existance was :)
Thankyou for reading my blog.
I apologise if my writing seems erratic, I'm in between writing and chasing kids :P
Peace, Love and Light x
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Oops, I made a mistake.
Yesterday I started looking at my charts again, seems I made a mistake. Oops. I don't know why but I was assuming my cycle average was shorter than it actually was.
A few days off means I have been testing WAY too early. Disappointing myself for no reason.
It's quite depressing thinking it's the time when you 'should' get a positive but don't, I kept telling myself, maybe tomorrow I'll get a positive
I still have a week before I might know.
I'm feeling a bit odd still, pregnant feelings. This morning my coffee smelled like dirt and mouldy food, still tasted like coffee but not the same. I have a stuffy nose which may be contributing to inhibited smelling ability. I have achy breasts and am EXHAUSTED, but I have been waking almost exactly 5:30am every morning for the past week or so, and DS is nursing more very early morning due to a cold and teething, so it's hard to tell with broken sleep.
Just a few more days....
Hopefully.
Peace, Love and Light.
A few days off means I have been testing WAY too early. Disappointing myself for no reason.
It's quite depressing thinking it's the time when you 'should' get a positive but don't, I kept telling myself, maybe tomorrow I'll get a positive
I still have a week before I might know.
I'm feeling a bit odd still, pregnant feelings. This morning my coffee smelled like dirt and mouldy food, still tasted like coffee but not the same. I have a stuffy nose which may be contributing to inhibited smelling ability. I have achy breasts and am EXHAUSTED, but I have been waking almost exactly 5:30am every morning for the past week or so, and DS is nursing more very early morning due to a cold and teething, so it's hard to tell with broken sleep.
Just a few more days....
Hopefully.
Peace, Love and Light.
Sunday, 3 June 2012
Jumped the gun a bit.. make it a 3 week wait.
4th June. I think I jumped the gun and tested way too soon.
I have done yet another test, again it was negative. I'm thinking I was supposed to have another long cycle, I having many early pregnancy signs (as previously mentioned) so I am guessing I've tested WAY too soon. DF thinks so too, he says I'm more emotionally like I was in early pregnancy with both kids. He says he has this 'feeling' I am pregnant and expects to see a positive test instead of AF.
Assuming I concieved between the 21st and 23rd, implantiation might not (probaby didn't) have occured not 8 days like I assumed but later than that. I am currently approximately (at most) 15 DPO, if implantation occured even 10 or 12 days after conception I still have a few days at least before HCG levels would be high enough to read on a test. I remember doing an early test with my DD when I had long cycles (up to 45 days, after giving birth they went to 31 days and stayed that way until last month) and I got faint lines a few days before AF was due. AF, assuming a 35 day cycle, I still have a week before AF is due.
So, highly possible I am indeed pregnant, and just a bit early to tell. I am waiting until Wednesday to do another test. Then another Friday if negative. Rather than the 2 week wait, it's a 3 week wait. Curse these long cycles :P This would drag on so much less if I didn't occasionally get a long cycle, I would know by now...
Having early pregnancy symptoms, to be honest, makes me wonder if it's all in my head or it's tied to my cycles rather than pregnancy, and when I do get pregnant it'll be completely different. My nipples are still sensitive, my cervix is very high, closed and softer than usual, I'm getting sligh nausea and I am completely and utterly exhausted. Emotionally I'm all over the place, crying one minute, angry the next and then dileriously happy another.
Crazy emotions are certainly not unusual, I did suffer severe PND after my first, not quite so bad second time aorund, so having moods all over the place is something I am very familliar with. I found out I was pregnant with DS when I was 7.5 weeks along, I was 10 days late and because PND was really bad at the time I thought I was losing my mind when suddenly I felt worse. Turned out the extra emotional-ness (I'm creating a word, I know) was due to being pregnant. I'm not depressed anymore, it took several years, many different medications and then deciding to stop the meds and move interstate to finally find peace. I'm not completely 'normal' I still have bad days, just now I can look back and say 'Oh wow, I was in a really dark place back then, I feel like I'm awake now" Anybody who suffers depression, I want you to know that recovery DOES happen, just not fast or usually the way you would expect it to. I thought the medication was going to help, it didn't, moving away and having a new lifestyle has made a huge difference. People living with those with depression, be there for them, wait patiently for recovery, they NEED you right now, to be their undying support.
Now that I am 'better', I am noticing my emotions more now, part of me fears I'm going back to that place, another part of me is certain I am pregnant and I'm not going crazy.
So, now I wait, while I feel these crazy emotions slowly take over me, while I hope I have succeeded in creating a new life.
Peace, Love and Light.
I have done yet another test, again it was negative. I'm thinking I was supposed to have another long cycle, I having many early pregnancy signs (as previously mentioned) so I am guessing I've tested WAY too soon. DF thinks so too, he says I'm more emotionally like I was in early pregnancy with both kids. He says he has this 'feeling' I am pregnant and expects to see a positive test instead of AF.
Assuming I concieved between the 21st and 23rd, implantiation might not (probaby didn't) have occured not 8 days like I assumed but later than that. I am currently approximately (at most) 15 DPO, if implantation occured even 10 or 12 days after conception I still have a few days at least before HCG levels would be high enough to read on a test. I remember doing an early test with my DD when I had long cycles (up to 45 days, after giving birth they went to 31 days and stayed that way until last month) and I got faint lines a few days before AF was due. AF, assuming a 35 day cycle, I still have a week before AF is due.
So, highly possible I am indeed pregnant, and just a bit early to tell. I am waiting until Wednesday to do another test. Then another Friday if negative. Rather than the 2 week wait, it's a 3 week wait. Curse these long cycles :P This would drag on so much less if I didn't occasionally get a long cycle, I would know by now...
Having early pregnancy symptoms, to be honest, makes me wonder if it's all in my head or it's tied to my cycles rather than pregnancy, and when I do get pregnant it'll be completely different. My nipples are still sensitive, my cervix is very high, closed and softer than usual, I'm getting sligh nausea and I am completely and utterly exhausted. Emotionally I'm all over the place, crying one minute, angry the next and then dileriously happy another.
Crazy emotions are certainly not unusual, I did suffer severe PND after my first, not quite so bad second time aorund, so having moods all over the place is something I am very familliar with. I found out I was pregnant with DS when I was 7.5 weeks along, I was 10 days late and because PND was really bad at the time I thought I was losing my mind when suddenly I felt worse. Turned out the extra emotional-ness (I'm creating a word, I know) was due to being pregnant. I'm not depressed anymore, it took several years, many different medications and then deciding to stop the meds and move interstate to finally find peace. I'm not completely 'normal' I still have bad days, just now I can look back and say 'Oh wow, I was in a really dark place back then, I feel like I'm awake now" Anybody who suffers depression, I want you to know that recovery DOES happen, just not fast or usually the way you would expect it to. I thought the medication was going to help, it didn't, moving away and having a new lifestyle has made a huge difference. People living with those with depression, be there for them, wait patiently for recovery, they NEED you right now, to be their undying support.
Now that I am 'better', I am noticing my emotions more now, part of me fears I'm going back to that place, another part of me is certain I am pregnant and I'm not going crazy.
So, now I wait, while I feel these crazy emotions slowly take over me, while I hope I have succeeded in creating a new life.
Peace, Love and Light.
Friday, 1 June 2012
Choosing an unassisted pregnancy.
The more and more I think about going unassisted for my birth, I think about also going unassisted for my pregnancy.
I am so very strongly drawn to it, it's like a burning desire I can't ignore.
So, when I get pregnant, I'm not seeking out a prenatal carer. Previously, I believed I would need prenatal care through a midwife and desperately searched for hours for a midwife. Alas, there are none within a 3 hour radius of here. Since I already decided to freebirth, I felt it was unecesssary to hire a midwife to do things I can do myself.
I can check fundal height and accurately determine the position of my baby - my last midwife taught me how during my last pregnancy. Each prenatal appointment felt more like I was being taught the tools of the trade rather than being tested or checked. I am buying a doppler not only to use in labour but in pregnancy, I am aware of my blood type and when it is neccessary for me to get the Anti-D shot. I am O negative, where my blood is incompatible with a positive blood and can cause serious issues for future pregnancies (not that I plan any more, but there is always the possibility I'll want another) if my blood were to mix with positive blood. The Anti-D injection is supposed to last 12 weeks and must be given within 72 hours of birth where blood may have mixed. I know it doesn't have to be given immediately, my baby's blood type can be checked because, like my last birth, my child may be negative also making the needle unecessary.
Having been pregnant twice already, I already have an idea of what is normal for me, anything abnormal will of course be checked out.My birth geekiness has helped me learn how to get in tune with my body and learn what is normal.
Getting my pregnancy confirmed by a GP is the first step once I get that BFP (whenever that happens) and then I will begin my own prenatal care. Since making my decision, I feel more at peace, and am now looking forward to being pregnant more than I have in the past.
As a side note, since I used the Fertility Awareness Method to avoid pregnancy, and then to try and concieve. I've noticed a few changes. I am waiting for the 4th to do another pregnancy test, I've done a few because I wasn't entirely sure when I might have concieved, and they were all negative. I guess between the 21st and the 23rd, implantation may have been from the 29th to the 31st. I have been having a few 'early pregnancy' symptoms, as of the 29th I began peeing more often, feeling crampy, had heartburn, slight nausea and tender breasts. My cervix is completely different to normal today, high, soft and closed, everything feels swollen and looks a bit darker than normal, where normally it would be low, medium, firmness and open, ready for menustration. The 4th will be day 32, on average I have 31 day cycles except for last cycle which was 44 days but stress and the supermoon played a role in the delay (my cycles seem to coincide with the full moon). I can't wait to finally know for certain.
I'm hoping my next entry will be a 'Yay, I'm pregnant', I'm trying not to get my hopes up, just in case.
Thanks for reading my blog :)
Peace, Love and Light
I am so very strongly drawn to it, it's like a burning desire I can't ignore.
So, when I get pregnant, I'm not seeking out a prenatal carer. Previously, I believed I would need prenatal care through a midwife and desperately searched for hours for a midwife. Alas, there are none within a 3 hour radius of here. Since I already decided to freebirth, I felt it was unecesssary to hire a midwife to do things I can do myself.
I can check fundal height and accurately determine the position of my baby - my last midwife taught me how during my last pregnancy. Each prenatal appointment felt more like I was being taught the tools of the trade rather than being tested or checked. I am buying a doppler not only to use in labour but in pregnancy, I am aware of my blood type and when it is neccessary for me to get the Anti-D shot. I am O negative, where my blood is incompatible with a positive blood and can cause serious issues for future pregnancies (not that I plan any more, but there is always the possibility I'll want another) if my blood were to mix with positive blood. The Anti-D injection is supposed to last 12 weeks and must be given within 72 hours of birth where blood may have mixed. I know it doesn't have to be given immediately, my baby's blood type can be checked because, like my last birth, my child may be negative also making the needle unecessary.
Having been pregnant twice already, I already have an idea of what is normal for me, anything abnormal will of course be checked out.My birth geekiness has helped me learn how to get in tune with my body and learn what is normal.
Getting my pregnancy confirmed by a GP is the first step once I get that BFP (whenever that happens) and then I will begin my own prenatal care. Since making my decision, I feel more at peace, and am now looking forward to being pregnant more than I have in the past.
As a side note, since I used the Fertility Awareness Method to avoid pregnancy, and then to try and concieve. I've noticed a few changes. I am waiting for the 4th to do another pregnancy test, I've done a few because I wasn't entirely sure when I might have concieved, and they were all negative. I guess between the 21st and the 23rd, implantation may have been from the 29th to the 31st. I have been having a few 'early pregnancy' symptoms, as of the 29th I began peeing more often, feeling crampy, had heartburn, slight nausea and tender breasts. My cervix is completely different to normal today, high, soft and closed, everything feels swollen and looks a bit darker than normal, where normally it would be low, medium, firmness and open, ready for menustration. The 4th will be day 32, on average I have 31 day cycles except for last cycle which was 44 days but stress and the supermoon played a role in the delay (my cycles seem to coincide with the full moon). I can't wait to finally know for certain.
I'm hoping my next entry will be a 'Yay, I'm pregnant', I'm trying not to get my hopes up, just in case.
Thanks for reading my blog :)
Peace, Love and Light
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