15 weeks 1 day update.

 

Fifteen weeks one day update!!

I'm beginning to feel better, I'm only throwing up once or twice a day now. It's still horrible and my body aches for quite some time afterwards so I feel weak often but I'm getting through it. I got to weigh myself for the first time since before we concieved (we finally found batteries for our electric scales) where I was between 57kg -60kg I now weigh about 58.8kg, it's too difficult at this point in time to work out if I lost or gained... probably both.

14 weeks 6 day belly shot :)

I have been sleeping a fair bit lately, whenever my partner is off work he tells me to go sleep while he entertains the kids. I'm so grateful for him. I haven't felt so tired in a long time. There have been times where I can't really move around much. I suspect my iron levels are low. I look forward to when I don't feel so tired anymore...
I have literally NO appetite, yet I get hunger pains often. I'm trying so hard to eat well. I'm literally force feeding myself at the moment.
I've been playing with my doppler, I know I said I wouldn't use it much, but I haven't been using it much each time, just long enough to hear the heart beat. I find it reassuring when I have been feeling rather crampy, which is happening more often this pregnancy. The heart rate still jumps around a lot, anywhere from 130 to 170.  My womb feels incredibly heavy, we've tried to feel for the fundus and it seems to be up near my navel.. it's hard to tell though, I can't feel it too well right now because it's still pretty early and I can't do it the same as midwives on myself, and DF can't feel things too subtle (he's a chef, he's injured his hands a lot over the years...) but both of us think it's about 2-3cm below my navel. I knew a third pregnancy is supposed to be entirely unpredictable but seriously?Everything is so different this time.

I'm due to have the morphology scan some time in September, I've got to book it eventually. I'm so curious as to what the sex of the baby is... I don't really have any strong feelings anymore.. earlier it was girl, now I don't know...

Not much else is happening at the moment. So until next time.
Peace, Love & Light.

Before and After. Attatchment Parenting in my life.

I've been inspired by the latest post by Living Through Learning, Learning To Live, I've gone through many changes since having my kids. I've had to learn the hard way for many things. I wish I could say I've been an AP mum since the birth of my daughter. I haven't, I began parenting very much the 'mainstream' way.

I do not expect anyone to agree with everything I say, you are entitled to your own opinion too, which is why I ask that you remain respectful. I have tried to write this in the least offensive way possible, but I'm sure someone will still be offended somewhere, somehow. The links I provided are not intended to make you change your mind about anything, I only want to open your minds if my parenting 'style' seems wrong or odd to you.

BEFORE I discovered Attatchment Parenting.

I was/did:

Detatched.
I didn't hold her much, she spent a fair bit of time in her bouncer, part of this was the PPD I was too scared to hold her, part of it was because I didn't want to spoil her, everyone told me not to go to her the moment she would make a noise. And I listened. When I breastfed her to sleep, I wouldn't look at her, it would be dark, I wouldn't talk to her. It was just silence and darkness. That was when I breastfed her to sleep, other times she would get the dummy and be swaddled and put in the basinette. She spent a fair bit of time in her rocker, or on the floor playing with her toys while I sat and watched or wriggle a new toy in her face when she seemed bored, I didn't even think to cuddle her. I had no instinct, or so it felt like.

Scheduled feeds.
My daughter was put on a schedule for her feeds, it was our second day home and I remember turning to my partner as she cried 'But it's not time yet, she can't possibly be hungry!' Insert dummy
I gave my daughter formula, I didn't hold want her near my breasts. I think it was our 4th week, we gave her one or 2 bottles at night when engorgement made is absolutely impossibe to get her to latch. My breasts were like over inflated balloons, with flat nipples with deep cracks and a tongue tied baby, I was determined to keep going but I was losing the fight. I HATED breastfeeding. I don't know what kept me going. Even my partner was saying, 'We can always get formula' and it crushed me, I felt like such a failure. If I didn't scedule feeds it would have been much easier... but I only know that in hindsight. I did breastfeed for 16ish months, most of it was joyful and I was sad when she weaned.
Disposeable Nappies.
I used disposeables, and I didn't care much for the benefits of cloth. I was 11 weeks pregnant with DD when my mother in law suggested cloth, and I laughed and said there was only one way I would EVER use cloth, and that's if I didn't have to deal with poo (meaning not have to wash them haha) I was incredibly unaware how awesome cloth nappies were now, I was imagining the type you fold yourself and use pins.

Vaccines.
I vaccinated on schedule, and felt incredibly guilty when she was just one week late. I even was the person who thought those who didn't vaccinate must be selfish and were putting their babies and everyone around them at risk, I was THAT person. I blindly trusted my doctor, from 3 weeks my DD started to get the most awful eczema, even the steriod cream wasn't enough sometimes, it has continued to stay bad into early childhood. I didn't know there are MANY side effects of vaccines, I didn't know what was in them or even how they worked. I believed once my daughter had the shot she would be immune, she would be 100% protected and if she didn't suffer an instant and severe reaction she wouldn't have any problems later on. I understand there are people out there who may believe the risks to the vaccine is worth the risk, that is absolutely their decision but if you don't know the facts how can you make the right decision. I didn't have the facts, I wasn't making an informed decision to vaccinate but when I did become informed, I stopped vaccinating immediately.

What changed?

Things changed once I started reading about different parenting styles. They, Attatchment Parenting and Evolutionary Parenting mainly, were mentioned in a breastfeeding support group I was a part of. I was very interested in their philosophy, it went against what I had been told by my family, but it sounded so right for my family. I love the idea of nurturing babies, it went against my instinct to do what I did with my DD but cultural norms drowned it out. I don't even listen to the cultural norms now, my instinct is loud and clear.

When I finally got past my breastfeeding struggles, by nursing as often as I could (this happened mainly AFTER my surgery as an attempt to relactate, I was sucessful and was nursing exclusively after a week or so), I started to understand the imprtance in responding to baby's needs. When I saw that if I nursed my DD as soon as she started to rub her mouth, and make the little squeaks if I fed her straight away she would be so much more settled. She nursed often but she stopped crying in between, we didn't need the dummy as often athough we couldn't get her to get rid of it until she was 2, well after weaning, a few months after my second was born. I started to enjoy breastfeeding, and the cuddles that came with it. We nursed into toddlerhood, something I NEVER imagined myself doing, I thought 12 months was normal for them to wean... how uneducated I was haha

We started to bond, but there was damage to her trust in me, because of the detatched beginning. She didn't need me like babies should. This still breaks my heart, and I try hard every day to fix that. It's working, AP is the parenting style she suits best, I regret listening to everyone else...

When my son was born I was very much AP, I breastfed every hour or less for however long it took, and I never got as engorged as I did last time. As passionate as I am about breastfeeding, I don't think much of it now. It has become something so every day and normal to me, like driving a car, at first it's awesome and you're excited about it, after a while it's just how you do things, nothing that special. Except breastfeeding is always about the nurturing, the milky goodness, the snuggles and of course, knowing it's the best food you can provide, you can't do any better. I snuggled him ALL the time, I was addicted to my son. I wanted to spend every moment I could with him. I did love breastfeeding this time, from the beginning even when it was hard. It was easier because I knew HOW to. I'm happy to keep going through this pregnancy, as close to 2 as I can, we are at 16 months in a few days, almost the longest I have breastfed, and I am proud of that. If I can get to 18 months, just 2 months more and I will have reached my first goal, I was disappointed I didn't get that far with DD, even when even when I tried to keep going, I offered the breast often but over time, she lost all interest. I was glad she was the one who decided to wean in the end, even if we didn't make it to 18 months or 2 years. The whole point was for her to self wean.

DS less than 1 week old. I carried him like this everywhere I could.

I bought a baby sling after reading something about baby wearing when she was 3.5 months, it was one of those Australian Bubzilla slings. I LOVED it, I wore her everywhere, well into toddlerhood until I was pretty far along in my pregnancy and it was too uncomfortable. Babywearing was what I needed, it reminded me of being pregnant, but I could kiss their little head.

When my DS was little I made a moby-like wrap (see below) and we used it all the time, I even did housework with him sleeping in it. I would go out for the day and only take a stroller for my DD rather than a double pram. I loved it and will make a new one for #3, I gave the one in the picture to my best friend a few days before moving interstate, she had just had her baby boy and I couldn't think of a better gift (she always admired it and borrowed it a few times). She adores it, and uses it 6 months later :)

Having fun outside 5-6 months old.

As part of my growth, I began to develop my own parenting philosophy.

Babies are born with needs, these needs must be met for optimal emotional growth. Babies deserve more than to survive, they deserve to thrive. A baby's cry is precicely as urgent as it sounds, it's only logical, it's unnatural to be able to ignore it. I react when my kids cry, all I want to do is stop it immediately, I can't stand hearing crying and not do something to make it better. I did try cry it out/controlled crying/sleep training at one point when DD was 7 months. I detest that method now, it's a blatant disregard for their need to be near people when they sleep, it's uneccesarily putting mum and baby through incredible stress, NOT the magic fix all for a baby who won't sleep. It is also quite damaging to their brain. When they cry, they get stressed. When they get stressed the cortisol levels skyrocket and these high levels damage the brain. We all knew this, for a long time, remember the phrase 'Stress less, you'll live longer'? You can do your own research, but you can see here what I mean if you want http://www.livestrong.com/article/18695-effects-cortisol-brain/ I decided to NEVER EVER EVER EVER, do Cry It Out again, I even go as far as tell people NOT to do it, from my own experience, and from the research. What mother willingly puts her baby through that when she knows it isn't good for her baby at all? They're told it's the best thing to do, they're told it's important to teach baby to sleep on their own, they are told CIO won't hurt their babies.... they deserve to know the whole truth.

If you want to know what it's like for the baby? Read this, I found this when I was looking into CIO and it was what confirmed my deicision NOT to pracice CIO any more with my DD (we did it for a few weeks, right down to completely ignoring her scream until she fell asleep, the harshest way to do CIO.. I am forever guilty about not doing my research and putting my daughter through that). http://parentingredefined.blogspot.com.au/2010/12/letters-from-baby-please-dont-let-me.html

This isn't to say I let my kids walk all over me, absolutely not! I tell them NO quite easily, but I also tell others, no, too, so I'm not treating my kids with any less respect than any other person. They have boundaries but they also know I am ALWAYS there when they need me, they are ALWAYS safe, and they can always come to me no matter their emotional state. We all love a cuddle from someone we love when we're upset, it's no different for kids. My job as a mum is to raise emotionally secure, confident, compassionate people. To do that, I have to show them, otherwise they'll never learn.

I am 100% against any infant circumcision, for one it's a violation of their Human Right to Genital Integrity, and 2, it's completely unecessary and actually harmful. Don't believe me? Check out The Whole Network for more information, I highly suggest you inform yourself. My son is intact, mostly because it's just not really done here in Australia but because my father was very much a vocal intactivist, so I grew up knowing why it's unecessary and why it's wrong. I fought hard aganst my partner who is circumcised, and wanted his son cut too. He was quite pro-cutting, but, even he understood why not to do it and supported me. Now, when there is someone that mentions it (usually during a nappy change) he tells them quite simply 'It's not up to us to decide, his body his choice'. He didn't want to violate his son's Human Right, although even if he didn't agree with me, I would have refused consent anyway. My son was not going to be cut, I had a say, I had to protect my son so I wasn't giving in.

Another way things have changed?
About vaccines. I am extremely p*ssed off that I was told they were safe, I get p*ssed off when doctors even now tell me they're safe even after I state the facts from the government sites. When I know better, they AREN'T safe, if your child has any reaction then the risk is 100%, you only know after the damage is done.
The latest doctor to insist they are safe didn't like being told/reminded (assuming he ever knew a thing about them) that only between 1-10% of ALL reactions to vaccines are even reported. That there has never been a long term double blind study with a control done on vaccines and the long term effectiveness and safety so it is absolutely untrue to say they are 100% safe and it unethical to suggest/demand I vaccinate when they really don't know anything about them, or what could happen to my child. Why should I inject my child when something worse than the illness they are vaccinating against could happen? Why risk death or neural damage? Pertussus has come into the media a lot lately, so many people insist its important to get it. Yet more than 80% of the people who were infected were fully or partially vaccinated. The vaccine is useless, Australia no longer offers free pertussus vaccines because of its ineffectiveness. States ending free parent whooping vaccine.

I did research into vaccines from the time my DD was 12 months, I got suspicious when I noticed they vaccinate for chicken pox at 18 months. I had chicken pox twice, older than the average (13 years old) and it didn't bother me at all, I remember it clearly. Why the heck should I vaccinate my child against something so mild as chicken pox? To protect the adults who might get sick? Well, um, hate to break it but it's like trying to eradicate the common cold. Nearly every kid will get it, someone will get worse off, why should I risk a reaction or autoimmune disease in my child for someone else they will most likely never come across. It's not that hard to keep sick kids away from immune compromised persons, especially if the symptoms arent masked like with the pertussus vaccine. People use the argument 'It will be less severe if I get it", yes, true, it also makes it harder to diagnose, meaning you could be walking around with a persistent cough sprading pertussus for ages before realising you have it, if you realise it.

Herd immunity, absolute myth. I can't help but laugh when someone tries that on me.

If you want something quick to read that you can start your research from, read this: If you are in support of vaccinations

I have legitimate concerns over the safety of vaccines. More and more research is indicating chronic illnesses are being caused my vaccines. As someone with a chronic illness (Crohn's Disease), I have to wonder if it was a result of being vaccinated. My daughter is, different to 'normal' kids, she's starting school next year and we don't think she's even close to being ready. She is having another asessment soon, at 18 months she was only slightly delayed but enough to recommend another asessment in the future. I have wondered if she is on the Autism scale, but she was too young to really tell until, well, now. I'm hoping it's normal developent, albeit slow, and she can cope well with school. I will not homeschool.

Currently, I am deeply researching vaccines, although I don't intend to vaccinate, I want as much information so that if people ask why, I can send them to a reliable source. I admit, I have not used medical journals for the links I have used in this entry, because mostly, this is my opinion and I'm not educating you, it's up to you to educate yourself. Mostly, they are places to start, you will find most if not all have references.

Most of my parenting journey has invoved extensive research, I can't ever change the past, I do regret how I started off parenting. I wish I prepared myself more. BUT I am here, doing my absoute best, there was no way I could have known any better. But now I do, I do better. Hopefully, by sharing my experiences, people will understand WHY I do what I do, so they're not so quick to judge.

We started using cloth nappies when DS was 5 months, I had enough of the smell of the bin, I was sick of wasting enormous amounts of money. One day I found out about modern cloth nappies, MCN's, besides saving thousands of dollars, it was only barely more expensive to buy cloth than it was to buy big boxes of disposeables. We spend $108 and within 2 weeks we had 30 pocket nappies with inserts, in a few months, I could afford to add to my Fluff. I have an addiction, and honestly, poop isn't that bad. It's nice to never run out too.

Cloth nappies make the best summerwear, and it looks cute ;)

Thank you, if you took the time to read this.

Peace Love & Light.

Facebook!

I've decided to start up a facebook page for anyone who reads this blog. I'll share bits of info I find interesting, from Freebirthing to Placenta encapsulation, if 'likers' want to know something I'll find out for them if I can. It's something I love doing, unfortunately my personal facebook is not the place to share certain things... not everyone wants to see a picture of a placenta ;).
I hope to have a big enough community where like minded people have a safe space to learn and share. I use facebook daily, so it will hopefully become a sort of, extra to the blog.

If there are enough 'likers' I will be looking into adding another admin, I want no trolling or harassment or bullying to take place, which is rare to come across but some of my favourites such as Birth Without Fear and Mama Birth manage to do it, so I know it can be done.

I hope my idea goes somewhere, I have time to dedicate to it, I just hope it's worth it.

So, please 'like' Diary of a Birth Greek :) Diary of a Birth Geek Facebook

Peace, Love & Light.

Fetal tones at 13+4

I played with my doppler today, and I got a lovely strong sound. For fun, I recorded it ;)
I am 13+4, bub likes to chill out on my right side. I am 100% sure I have another anterior placenta, it's sitting near the top, a little to the right, it's so easy to find when you can hear it, it's a slower whooshing sound, similar to the maternal pulse. Nowhere near as fast as baby.

So here it is, the fetal tones at 13 weeks and 4 days, with an anterior placenta. The first time I've EVER heart a heart beat at this gestation, because most midwives don't start checking until later in the pregnancy, I think with my first it was 14 weeks when the OB tried, she ended up getting the ultrasound so we only saw it, we heard it at 18 weeks, and about 18 weeks with DS. I'd be waiting another month if I was not doing it myself.

DF is THRILLED we can do it ourselves, he loves the idea of checking the heart himself. Since catching his son, he's become more interested in birthy stuff, he understands things more (I've never had a C-section but he's very familiar with the terms VBAC and VBa2C, HBAC etc...I think he's aware I have a soft spot for VBACs) , and honestly, I LOVE teaching him this stuff, I get to talk birth as much as I want... except I'm not allowed to watch One Born Every Minute with him in the room, I yell at the tv a lot, as much as I cry like a baby when the baby is born. They treat birth like a xenomorph is going to explode out of the vagina... (if you have ever seen the Alien movies, you'll know what I mean) and as much as I am addicted to that first moment when mum meets baby it really does bother me, and I probably would be happier not watching it...

So anyway, there it is, my baby's heart beat at 13 weeks 4 days gestation. Something I thought I would share with the world :)

Peace, Love & light.

12 weeks 5 days

I am 13 weeks in 2 days, and I think I've pulled a muscle from throwing up.
I feel bruised and it's uncomfortable to move and breathe, it hurts worse after being sick, which is at least 4 times a day. Ginger isn't working so I'm focusing on getting food in and drinking plenty,  I feel great when the nausea goes so I know I'm getting enough in. I'm gaining weight and I've got a little round belly. 
DS is cutting down his nursing, he nurses about 4 times a day and sleeps almost through the night without waking to nurse. He's cutting his inscisors, all 4 currently, so I suspect he may cut down more, part of me is glad, another part of me desperately wants him to nurse as long as he wants not because I'm pregnant and milk supply is going. I love breastfeeding him, it settles him 99% of the time, not that he's an unsettled one, for the most part he's pretty chilled ;)

I'm taking each day as it comes, I hope to at least nurse DS until he is 18 months, I'd really be happy if he weans later rather than sooner. I won't mnd tandem if that means only nursing DS before he sleeps, but there's no way I can cope with a newborn and nursing DS as often as he does now. Because I'm running out of milk, I give him drinks of water rather than nurse, as much as I really didn't want to, I'm leading weaning. Hoping it happens slowly but not too slowly. We'll just have to see how things are going.

I'm waiting for my doppler to arrive, I can't wait to finally hear the heart tones. We only plan 1, at 20 weeks to check out how bub's growing and rule out things that may complicate birth and rule out things that would require immediate high care, something we cannot provide. We're not having the genetic testing, or any blood tests at all.

We are getting blood typing cards, because we should be able to use whatever cord blood there is (after the 3rd stage is over) to determine blood tupe. The ones we're looking at will tells us if he/she is rh neg or rh pos, it will be easy to call my gp or head to the hospital for the rh shot within 72 hours of birth, I'm considering having the shot at 35 weeks or maybe a little sooner, since it lasts for about 12 weeks but I'm looking more into it at the moment before I make my decision. I have plenty of time.

I'm going to get vit k supplements for myself, DS had the vit k shot after birth because he was very bruised, he looked red in pictures for a while, his eyes were very red they were too dark to see what colour his eyes were (see pic) at the time the red concerned me so I gave permission for the shot, the only one my son has had in his life (he is vax free).




DS less than 24 hours old

I am not sure of my family's history, but I am aware my father had an issue with bruising as a child (he would roll around and the floor and be covered) which was why I agreed to the shot and not asked for the oral vit k, I was concerned he was already bleeding. I need to find out exactly what the issue was with my dad, so I know if I should have the oral one on hand or if me taking extra will be ok. I don't intend to not have the vit k altogether.
I am currently saving to get  The Healing Passage, a book for midwives on tearing, I tore nearly 3rd degree, and although I know exactly why I tore that badly (I ignored my body telling me to pant while he was crowning) I want to know more. I tore internally, very unlike an episiotomy so I don't have scarring that I can feel/ massage prior to birth, I hope this means if I control the pushing stage, I can avoid tearing altogether like with my first (I only had grazes). I'm not afraid of tearing anymore though, it's way less painful than a broken coccyx ;)

That's it for now. DS has nursed to sleep so it's time to move him to bed.
Peace, Love & Light

List of birth supplies.

I've begun to write out a list of everything I can think of any everything I find out about and think might be useful for the birth and afterwards.

Here's the start of my list:
Bath - to birth in
Warmed recieving blankets (wrap in foil and put in oven to warm just prior to the birth, a tip I learned from Peggy Vincent's book Baby Catcher)
Towels (obvious reasons)
Shepherd's purse tincture if I haemmorage (growing and making this myself)
List of emergency numbers, probably on speed dial too.
Doppler
Emergency Childbirth manual
Possibly suction bulb
CAMERA, I will not miss out on getting this birth on camera lol
herbal sitz bath + peri bottle
skin glue + herbal remedies for small tears, larger tears I'm yet to read up on, havent got the book I need yet.
Scales and tape measure to measure and weigh baby
Maternity pads
Hot wash cloths for PP swelling (Ice was useless for me, only caused pain from the cold and it's just so messy)
Bowl for placenta
sterile scissors to cut cord
cord clamps or tie, i'm not keen on putting  plastic clamp when I don't really need to though so it will probably be a piece of pretty material :P
rubbish bags (for all the bloody towels, not sure if i will try to remove the blood with peroxide or just throw out)
smelling salts (I felt faint after my last birth but i felt better when sitting)
Blood typing card, I am RH negative and if I can get some of the remaining cord blood to type bub's blood I will know if I need to immediately make an appointment to recieve the Anti-D (even though I currently have no plans for any more children)

Papers to write down APGAR and the usual newborn test results (They have it all written down in my other kid's baby's health records what they check, so I won't have to have it prior to the birth to know what to look for)
Birth registration papers
Conscious objector form..


I'm sure I'll be adding and removing things as times goes on and I learn more things.

I am 12 weeks pregnant now, I've just started looking for a doula. It's quite difficult, hopefully I find one....I purchased my doppler, just waiting for it to arrive. I'm getting lots of headaches, so I'm finding it hard to sit at the computer often now... like now, oh my it's starting to hurt, so I'm taking a break.

Peace Love & Light.

Overcoming breastfeeding obstacles, my breastfeeding jouney with my first child.

So nursing moms.. how long have you been going? How many babies have you nursed? How many "obstacles" have you overcome?


This question popped up on my facebook feed this morning, and it got me thinking about my first breastfeeding experience with my DD. It was pretty rough in the first few months, I'm not sure why I kept breastfeeding, I didn't actually know if I would EVER breastfeed without pain. Before giving birth, I never gave breastfeeding much thought I just assumed I didn't need to/couldn't prepare myself until our first try. I knew I was going to try it, I knew how important it was to breastfeed for at least 6 months. I wish I at least watched a youtube video before giving birth, I could have avoided so much pain.


I'll start from the beginning.
Straight after giving birth, once I was lying down and comfortable my midwife latched on my DD, I was not really focused on much, everything was a blur around me. I remember talking to my dad on the phone and then looking down at my daughter nursing. This was the part that had frightened me during pregnancy, and while I was pushing. She was born, it was time to take care of her. Because I had never spent much more than an hour with a newborn in my life, I had no idea what I was doing, I was extremely vulnerable to advice, I listened to EVERYONE. 

My mother in law had told me what it was like for her to nurse my partner, and I am so greatful she didn't sugar coat it, I would not have breastfed past a few days if not. I am sure of that. She told me how his latch was bad for the first few weeks it was agony and how she was nursing him and he was drinking blood from her cracked nippes. She told me this was ok, and that it's something that can be fixed, the blood won't make the baby sick. I held onto that information, close to my heart. It didn't help me gain the corouge to ask for help when I was experiencing the same thing, I had to get everything perfect because I was a teen mum, I didn't want to look like it was hard. My logic astounds me now.

The first night my nurse told me because my daughter was very small (2580g, just 80g less and she would be classed as low birth weight), I was not to let her sleep for more than 4 hours without a feed. In my sleep deprived state (it was 11 at night when I was moved to the postpartum ward - DD was born at 8:21pm) I heard 'Feed her every 4 hours' it stuck in my head, so that's what I did, even after we went home, I never let her comfort nurse I didn't know what it was. Every 4 hours she would come in to check our vitals and I'd wake my DD and the nurse would get her out (with my tailbone any movement was excruciating, even with pain meds) and she would help me nurse. By help, I mean pinching my nipple and shoving it into my DD's not quite wide open mouth. It hurt so much, I cried every time.

This continued through to the shift change the next morning, this new nurse did very much the same thing as the previous nurse, I would buzz and she would get my DD out of the cot and help latch her on. I had my family visit, I didn't really talk much, I really only wanted to sleep while they had a cuddle. My partner came first thing that morning, he had to leave at 12 the night of the birth  which was one of the reasons I planned a homebirth next time around, he took a video of me attempting to breastfeed, struggling to get her to wake up. This make me sad when I see it, I was drowning and only I know I was. I did everything I could to get my DD to latch on my own, but I kept failing. I was getting blood blisters and my milk was coming in. I had to get it right before engorgement set in, I told myself. I broke down on the night of my day 1 when my partner left. That night I co-slept, I had a great nurse she helped me co-sleep safely so I didn't have to hurt myself getting out of bed and she was a bit more helpful with breastfeeding, she guided me rather than latched her on for me, I could see what I needed to do but still didn't quite get it.

The next day, I tried our nursing on my own, it still hurt like crazy but it looked better, my nipples went numb after a few minutes so I thought 'Great, I got this!' because it didn't 'hurt' exactly. I wanted to go home. I had enough of the hospital and demanded they discharge me. We gave DD a bath then we were discharged. (A paediatrician saw DD twice while we in hospital, the day after the birth and the day we left)
I was so glad to be home, I thought I was starting to 'get' breastfeeding, I knew to try to get her to open her mouth wide. I was engorged the next morning and I had deep bleeding cracks by the afternoon. In the first week I almost got by without a dummy, but gave in, week 2 was hell but I had some sanity back from the dummy, I could calm her down better before I nursed her. I was a mess every single time she would wake, which we end up having to calm DD down because I'm stressing out so much. The moment she would sound like she was hungry I cried and started to shake. I was dileriously sleep deprived, at one point I was terrified of her. Then my midwife visited. She saw the cracks told me to try the football hold and to use paw paw ointment to help the cracks heal and to express milk and put that on the cracks then air dry. She helped me with the football hold and it was much much better. I didn't have gums chew me anymore. She said because my breasts are big and DD was so tiny, the clutch hold I was doing won't really work yet. She encouraged me and assured me DD was gaining well. I had strength to keep going. I don't regret giving her a dummy, even though I refused to use one with my DS, I do wish I had experienced comfort nursing with her because they can be such sweet moments, especially when they drift off to asleep.

Near the end of week 2 I was nursing her in the football hold every single feed and because I had broken my tailbone during the birth I spent most of those times perched on the end of the bed with a towel underneath my bottom hunched over holding her to my breast. Possibly the worst position to try breastfeeding in. I would do it the whole half hour or so it took for her to get full and I would be shaking from the pain before the end. I was learning by trial and error. I joined a Livejournal breastfeeding comminity - back in the day before there were the facebook groups we have today - and begged for advice. I was sent links, videos and lots of engouragement and advice. I wasn't alone anymore, some of these women have had gone through so much, I felt confident again.

I watched a youtube video (I can't find it anymore but if I do I'll link it) and I finally understood what breastfeeding was all about, it's more than just food, I CAN enjoy it. I started to get it but it still was so painful, I began to suspect tongue tie but didn't mention it until her first lot of vaccinations, my doc assumed all was well with breastfeeding (remember I was pretending it was easy) he said it wasn't necessary and we didn't discuss it further. By week 3 I was ready to throw in the towel, it was in the middle of the night and I just couldn't do it anymore. DF was doing everything he could to support me, he would be up all hours sterilzing my breastpump because DD wouldn't latch when I was too full. When I gave up, he supported me too, knowing how much I needed it as much as it killed me. We drove to the all-night service station and grabbed a tin of formula, secretly screaming at myself 'NO, DON'T!'. I was relieved when we tried to pay and the card was declined, we didn't have enough money, no cash, so we left quite embarassed to be honest. The assistant offered to give us a discount but we declined because I had I told my partner it must be a sign, I'm supposed to breastfeed. We got home and feeling better, I continued to breastfeed.

My first week alone was difficult, I'd get stuck on the couch with my DD sleeping on my chest because of my tailbone, it was still very painful, by now I had worked out it was broken. I was also very uncomfortable holding her and moving her. I was scared I would hurt her. If it was time for DF to get home from work I would wait for help but if not, I'd hurt myself getting up. I learnt not to lie down with her. The cracks were beginning to heal and now I was better at breastfeeding. I hadn't mastered lying down yet, I found I couldn't get her to latch right that way. Then I started getting pains in my upper abdomen, it was a slow start to what was leading up to a traumatic and painful time of my life.

To be continued in part 2.