17 weeks 5 days.
It's time for another update already!
My oh my, has this pregnancy gone so fast. I know, I say that almost every time.
So, breastfeeding has become a subject of my focus again. My milk seems to be drying up, but DS is not ready to give up it seems. I'm glad, I'm far from ready for him to wean, but I do think our breastfeeding adventure is nearing its end. I'm nursing as I type, DS is singing, he's ready for a nap, but lately he seems to fight it, or, nursing isn't doing what it used to. I wasn't going to let him be a twiddler, when he started around 13 months just prior to me getting pregnant I noticed how much comfort it gave him, so I didn't really make too much effort stopping him. Now, I'm glad I didn't, because boob itself isn't enough to fall asleep, twiddling AND boobie is... but only just. I'm not sure what will happen when he weans, when he gets upset, all I can do is nurse him.
I remember when DD weaned, my fears were realised. When she cried, I could do nothing but cuddle her. It was harder than what I was prepared for. I admit, I was counting on DS to wean when he was ready.. you know, able to settle without boob... so far, not happening.
I feel devistatingly sad at the thought of DS weaning. I've cried a lot over the past week, trying to come to terms with it. I'm really dreading it.
I've been trying to tell myself, well at least your nipples will get a break. At least he's older than 1. I've given him the absolute best start in life, I've done a great job getting through 18 weeks of pregnancy while nursing a toddler. No more accidental bites as DS drifts off into a deep sleep, just before he unlatches. No more all night nursing sessions. No more toddler nursing acrobatics, no more squished belly. But all I can think is:
I didn't have to get pregnant when I did, I could have waited we could still have our nursies the way they were. I am taking something away from him, I'm selfish to want another baby before DS was weaned. DS is not ready and it is all my fault that he is frustrated at the lack of milk. It's not his fault he likes to dance on the boobie, it's not his fault my boobs hurt. He's only 17 months.. still so young.
Someone tell me my feelings are valid? I feel like I'm being unreasonable...I guess I just want someone to tell me it is ok to feel confused and to be sad at the prospect of DS weaning...
So about the rest of the week. I'm not feeling as sick, quite frankly I'm thrilled about that. I'm carrying a bottle of water wherever I go now, I got dehydrated even when I was trying to drink more, I decided I should have no excuse if I have water with me all the time, and if I get through 2 in a day, I'm getting what I need.
I'm finding it hard to sleep, it's uncomfortable and I pee constantly. I'm trying to stay positive, at least I get naps.
I am still yet to book an appointment to get the referral for the ultrasound. I need to know my partner's work schedule so he can take us to the appointment (we have only one car). I'm running out of time to book in with the midwives at the local hospital - in case of transfer. I don't want to have to deal with OBs before I need them.
I'm starving all the time it seems, I'm gaining weight (over 60kgs now yay! 2 kgs in 3 weeks is pretty good considering my weight has stayed stable until now) I have a massive apetite so I'm eating non stop. I'm trying to keep it healthy, but I admit I have snacked on sweets. My belly is growing, slowly but surely. Suspicions of twins are out the window now, if there are 2 babies we'll be extremely surprised.
I have not used the doppler this week, there is no need. I can't feel any consistent movement yet but I have no reason to continue to blast sound waves at bebe.
Other than not much has been going on. So that's it for this update :)
Peace, Love & Light
xo
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Saturday, 1 September 2012
16 weeks 5 days
I'm 16 weeks and 5 days today. It's going pretty fast, maybe too fast. Soon I'll be halfway, or over half way if I birth before my 'EDD'.
I've started taking iron supplements, I'm not feeling quite as exhausted now. I actually feel pretty good. I've still got morning sickness, but it is getting so much better.
My belly is growing fast, I can feel a lot of stretching going on. It can get pretty painful, my skin is feeling quite tight too so I got some coconut oil and so far it's helping a lot. In fact, my skin has never felt so good. I usually have really dry skin, even though I live in the tropics. Now, my skin feels healthy, it's so weird! I love it. Now that my belly is getting bigger it is getting harder to do some things. My uterus is reaching my navel now, I can't wait until I can feel the kicks stronger. At the moment, I hardly feel a thing, a flutter here and there but nothing I notice too much.
I am still yet to book the ultrasound. I really need to get my butt into gear, I know I have no reason to believe there is a problem, but just in case. It's the only intervention I do agree with really, but I don't know what the statistics say about improving outcomes.
I'm still nursing, some days it's hard, some days it's easy. I'm taking each day as it comes. If DS nurses less during a day I feel sad at the though of him weaning already. Lucky for me he's not ready. I won't force him. I'm opening my mind up to tandem nursing, but I'll only do it with support from my partner, and he's not comfortable with it enough to support me, he's desperate for DS to wean as it is. He's not going to make me feel bad for not though, he is encouraging me to offer other things instead of a nurse though, at the moment DS nurses mainly to have a nap and during the night for comfort, so he's realised at the moment it's better to just let me nurse DS.
I watched a birth video the other day that had me a bit freaked out, honestly. It was one of the British TV shows called Home Birth Diaries. In one of the episodes,This on where the baby went into distress, baby was was born floppy and needed resuscitation. It was eye opening seeing it happen, and see the midwives work. It was good to see the skills used and to see how it is supposed to work. We're still doing a refresher course for our Senior First Aid though.
I am excited about the birth, I can't wait to see what my little baby looks like. Both my kids looked totally different, DD was blonde and had fuzzy straight hair and tiny, DS was chunky (he had fat rolls everywhere) and had black curly hair. It's impossible to imagine what my baby will look like. I'm expecting a chunky baby though, I know that at least, I am quite healthy like I was when I was pregnant with DS. I don't think too much about what labour will be like, mainly because I know it will probably be nothing like it. There's no point trying to guess what labour will be like, it works in mysterious ways ;)
DD is excited about having a new baby brother or sister, she likes to touch my belly and talk to baby. I wonder what is going through her mind when she does that... DS has no idea or ability to comprehend me being pregnant, he just knows mummy's milk is starting to change, and there isn't as much but he still gets boobie when he's tired and wants to sleep. He gets jealous when DD and I cuddle, sometimes I worry about how he will be with the new baby. He will still be relatively young, only 22 months... but I do remember DD was very different to how she was at 16 months as to 22 months. He's still got a lot of developing to do in a short time. I keep forgetting sometimes how much kids learn in such short spaces of time.
Well, that's it for now. Hopefully I'll be able to update more often. It's quite relaxing to write, I really only get the time when the kids are asleep and my partner is at work though, this is alone time for me :)
Peace, Love & Light xo
I've started taking iron supplements, I'm not feeling quite as exhausted now. I actually feel pretty good. I've still got morning sickness, but it is getting so much better.
My belly is growing fast, I can feel a lot of stretching going on. It can get pretty painful, my skin is feeling quite tight too so I got some coconut oil and so far it's helping a lot. In fact, my skin has never felt so good. I usually have really dry skin, even though I live in the tropics. Now, my skin feels healthy, it's so weird! I love it. Now that my belly is getting bigger it is getting harder to do some things. My uterus is reaching my navel now, I can't wait until I can feel the kicks stronger. At the moment, I hardly feel a thing, a flutter here and there but nothing I notice too much.
I am still yet to book the ultrasound. I really need to get my butt into gear, I know I have no reason to believe there is a problem, but just in case. It's the only intervention I do agree with really, but I don't know what the statistics say about improving outcomes.
I'm still nursing, some days it's hard, some days it's easy. I'm taking each day as it comes. If DS nurses less during a day I feel sad at the though of him weaning already. Lucky for me he's not ready. I won't force him. I'm opening my mind up to tandem nursing, but I'll only do it with support from my partner, and he's not comfortable with it enough to support me, he's desperate for DS to wean as it is. He's not going to make me feel bad for not though, he is encouraging me to offer other things instead of a nurse though, at the moment DS nurses mainly to have a nap and during the night for comfort, so he's realised at the moment it's better to just let me nurse DS.
I watched a birth video the other day that had me a bit freaked out, honestly. It was one of the British TV shows called Home Birth Diaries. In one of the episodes,This on where the baby went into distress, baby was was born floppy and needed resuscitation. It was eye opening seeing it happen, and see the midwives work. It was good to see the skills used and to see how it is supposed to work. We're still doing a refresher course for our Senior First Aid though.
I am excited about the birth, I can't wait to see what my little baby looks like. Both my kids looked totally different, DD was blonde and had fuzzy straight hair and tiny, DS was chunky (he had fat rolls everywhere) and had black curly hair. It's impossible to imagine what my baby will look like. I'm expecting a chunky baby though, I know that at least, I am quite healthy like I was when I was pregnant with DS. I don't think too much about what labour will be like, mainly because I know it will probably be nothing like it. There's no point trying to guess what labour will be like, it works in mysterious ways ;)
DD is excited about having a new baby brother or sister, she likes to touch my belly and talk to baby. I wonder what is going through her mind when she does that... DS has no idea or ability to comprehend me being pregnant, he just knows mummy's milk is starting to change, and there isn't as much but he still gets boobie when he's tired and wants to sleep. He gets jealous when DD and I cuddle, sometimes I worry about how he will be with the new baby. He will still be relatively young, only 22 months... but I do remember DD was very different to how she was at 16 months as to 22 months. He's still got a lot of developing to do in a short time. I keep forgetting sometimes how much kids learn in such short spaces of time.
Well, that's it for now. Hopefully I'll be able to update more often. It's quite relaxing to write, I really only get the time when the kids are asleep and my partner is at work though, this is alone time for me :)
Peace, Love & Light xo
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
15 weeks 1 day update.
Fifteen weeks one day update!!
I'm beginning to feel better, I'm only throwing up once or twice a day now. It's still horrible and my body aches for quite some time afterwards so I feel weak often but I'm getting through it. I got to weigh myself for the first time since before we concieved (we finally found batteries for our electric scales) where I was between 57kg -60kg I now weigh about 58.8kg, it's too difficult at this point in time to work out if I lost or gained... probably both.
 |
| 14 weeks 6 day belly shot :) |
I have been sleeping a fair bit lately, whenever my partner is off work he tells me to go sleep while he entertains the kids. I'm so grateful for him. I haven't felt so tired in a long time. There have been times where I can't really move around much. I suspect my iron levels are low. I look forward to when I don't feel so tired anymore...
I have literally NO appetite, yet I get hunger pains often. I'm trying so hard to eat well. I'm literally force feeding myself at the moment.
I've been playing with my doppler, I know I said I wouldn't use it much, but I haven't been using it much each time, just long enough to hear the heart beat. I find it reassuring when I have been feeling rather crampy, which is happening more often this pregnancy. The heart rate still jumps around a lot, anywhere from 130 to 170. My womb feels incredibly heavy, we've tried to feel for the fundus and it seems to be up near my navel.. it's hard to tell though, I can't feel it too well right now because it's still pretty early and I can't do it the same as midwives on myself, and DF can't feel things too subtle (he's a chef, he's injured his hands a lot over the years...) but both of us think it's about 2-3cm below my navel. I knew a third pregnancy is supposed to be entirely unpredictable but seriously?Everything is so different this time.
I'm due to have the morphology scan some time in September, I've got to book it eventually. I'm so curious as to what the sex of the baby is... I don't really have any strong feelings anymore.. earlier it was girl, now I don't know...
Not much else is happening at the moment. So until next time.
Peace, Love & Light.
Monday, 13 August 2012
Before and After. Attatchment Parenting in my life.
I've been inspired by the latest post by Living Through Learning, Learning To Live, I've gone through many changes since having my kids. I've had to learn the hard way for many things. I wish I could say I've been an AP mum since the birth of my daughter. I haven't, I began parenting very much the 'mainstream' way.
I do not expect anyone to agree with everything I say, you are entitled to your own opinion too, which is why I ask that you remain respectful. I have tried to write this in the least offensive way possible, but I'm sure someone will still be offended somewhere, somehow. The links I provided are not intended to make you change your mind about anything, I only want to open your minds if my parenting 'style' seems wrong or odd to you.
BEFORE I discovered Attatchment Parenting.
I was/did:
Detatched.
I didn't hold her much, she spent a fair bit of time in her bouncer, part of this was the PPD I was too scared to hold her, part of it was because I didn't want to spoil her, everyone told me not to go to her the moment she would make a noise. And I listened. When I breastfed her to sleep, I wouldn't look at her, it would be dark, I wouldn't talk to her. It was just silence and darkness. That was when I breastfed her to sleep, other times she would get the dummy and be swaddled and put in the basinette. She spent a fair bit of time in her rocker, or on the floor playing with her toys while I sat and watched or wriggle a new toy in her face when she seemed bored, I didn't even think to cuddle her. I had no instinct, or so it felt like.
Scheduled feeds.
My daughter was put on a schedule for her feeds, it was our second day home and I remember turning to my partner as she cried 'But it's not time yet, she can't possibly be hungry!' Insert dummy
I gave my daughter formula, I didn't hold want her near my breasts. I think it was our 4th week, we gave her one or 2 bottles at night when engorgement made is absolutely impossibe to get her to latch. My breasts were like over inflated balloons, with flat nipples with deep cracks and a tongue tied baby, I was determined to keep going but I was losing the fight. I HATED breastfeeding. I don't know what kept me going. Even my partner was saying, 'We can always get formula' and it crushed me, I felt like such a failure. If I didn't scedule feeds it would have been much easier... but I only know that in hindsight. I did breastfeed for 16ish months, most of it was joyful and I was sad when she weaned.
Disposeable Nappies.
I used disposeables, and I didn't care much for the benefits of cloth. I was 11 weeks pregnant with DD when my mother in law suggested cloth, and I laughed and said there was only one way I would EVER use cloth, and that's if I didn't have to deal with poo (meaning not have to wash them haha) I was incredibly unaware how awesome cloth nappies were now, I was imagining the type you fold yourself and use pins.
Vaccines.
I vaccinated on schedule, and felt incredibly guilty when she was just one week late. I even was the person who thought those who didn't vaccinate must be selfish and were putting their babies and everyone around them at risk, I was THAT person. I blindly trusted my doctor, from 3 weeks my DD started to get the most awful eczema, even the steriod cream wasn't enough sometimes, it has continued to stay bad into early childhood. I didn't know there are MANY side effects of vaccines, I didn't know what was in them or even how they worked. I believed once my daughter had the shot she would be immune, she would be 100% protected and if she didn't suffer an instant and severe reaction she wouldn't have any problems later on. I understand there are people out there who may believe the risks to the vaccine is worth the risk, that is absolutely their decision but if you don't know the facts how can you make the right decision. I didn't have the facts, I wasn't making an informed decision to vaccinate but when I did become informed, I stopped vaccinating immediately.
Things changed once I started reading about different parenting styles. They, Attatchment Parenting and Evolutionary Parenting mainly, were mentioned in a breastfeeding support group I was a part of. I was very interested in their philosophy, it went against what I had been told by my family, but it sounded so right for my family. I love the idea of nurturing babies, it went against my instinct to do what I did with my DD but cultural norms drowned it out. I don't even listen to the cultural norms now, my instinct is loud and clear.
When I finally got past my breastfeeding struggles, by nursing as often as I could (this happened mainly AFTER my surgery as an attempt to relactate, I was sucessful and was nursing exclusively after a week or so), I started to understand the imprtance in responding to baby's needs. When I saw that if I nursed my DD as soon as she started to rub her mouth, and make the little squeaks if I fed her straight away she would be so much more settled. She nursed often but she stopped crying in between, we didn't need the dummy as often athough we couldn't get her to get rid of it until she was 2, well after weaning, a few months after my second was born. I started to enjoy breastfeeding, and the cuddles that came with it. We nursed into toddlerhood, something I NEVER imagined myself doing, I thought 12 months was normal for them to wean... how uneducated I was haha
We started to bond, but there was damage to her trust in me, because of the detatched beginning. She didn't need me like babies should. This still breaks my heart, and I try hard every day to fix that. It's working, AP is the parenting style she suits best, I regret listening to everyone else...
When my son was born I was very much AP, I breastfed every hour or less for however long it took, and I never got as engorged as I did last time. As passionate as I am about breastfeeding, I don't think much of it now. It has become something so every day and normal to me, like driving a car, at first it's awesome and you're excited about it, after a while it's just how you do things, nothing that special. Except breastfeeding is always about the nurturing, the milky goodness, the snuggles and of course, knowing it's the best food you can provide, you can't do any better. I snuggled him ALL the time, I was addicted to my son. I wanted to spend every moment I could with him. I did love breastfeeding this time, from the beginning even when it was hard. It was easier because I knew HOW to. I'm happy to keep going through this pregnancy, as close to 2 as I can, we are at 16 months in a few days, almost the longest I have breastfed, and I am proud of that. If I can get to 18 months, just 2 months more and I will have reached my first goal, I was disappointed I didn't get that far with DD, even when even when I tried to keep going, I offered the breast often but over time, she lost all interest. I was glad she was the one who decided to wean in the end, even if we didn't make it to 18 months or 2 years. The whole point was for her to self wean.
I bought a baby sling after reading something about baby wearing when she was 3.5 months, it was one of those Australian Bubzilla slings. I LOVED it, I wore her everywhere, well into toddlerhood until I was pretty far along in my pregnancy and it was too uncomfortable. Babywearing was what I needed, it reminded me of being pregnant, but I could kiss their little head.
When my DS was little I made a moby-like wrap (see below) and we used it all the time, I even did housework with him sleeping in it. I would go out for the day and only take a stroller for my DD rather than a double pram. I loved it and will make a new one for #3, I gave the one in the picture to my best friend a few days before moving interstate, she had just had her baby boy and I couldn't think of a better gift (she always admired it and borrowed it a few times). She adores it, and uses it 6 months later :)
As part of my growth, I began to develop my own parenting philosophy.
Babies are born with needs, these needs must be met for optimal emotional growth. Babies deserve more than to survive, they deserve to thrive. A baby's cry is precicely as urgent as it sounds, it's only logical, it's unnatural to be able to ignore it. I react when my kids cry, all I want to do is stop it immediately, I can't stand hearing crying and not do something to make it better. I did try cry it out/controlled crying/sleep training at one point when DD was 7 months. I detest that method now, it's a blatant disregard for their need to be near people when they sleep, it's uneccesarily putting mum and baby through incredible stress, NOT the magic fix all for a baby who won't sleep. It is also quite damaging to their brain. When they cry, they get stressed. When they get stressed the cortisol levels skyrocket and these high levels damage the brain. We all knew this, for a long time, remember the phrase 'Stress less, you'll live longer'? You can do your own research, but you can see here what I mean if you want http://www.livestrong.com/article/18695-effects-cortisol-brain/ I decided to NEVER EVER EVER EVER, do Cry It Out again, I even go as far as tell people NOT to do it, from my own experience, and from the research. What mother willingly puts her baby through that when she knows it isn't good for her baby at all? They're told it's the best thing to do, they're told it's important to teach baby to sleep on their own, they are told CIO won't hurt their babies.... they deserve to know the whole truth.
If you want to know what it's like for the baby? Read this, I found this when I was looking into CIO and it was what confirmed my deicision NOT to pracice CIO any more with my DD (we did it for a few weeks, right down to completely ignoring her scream until she fell asleep, the harshest way to do CIO.. I am forever guilty about not doing my research and putting my daughter through that). http://parentingredefined.blogspot.com.au/2010/12/letters-from-baby-please-dont-let-me.html
This isn't to say I let my kids walk all over me, absolutely not! I tell them NO quite easily, but I also tell others, no, too, so I'm not treating my kids with any less respect than any other person. They have boundaries but they also know I am ALWAYS there when they need me, they are ALWAYS safe, and they can always come to me no matter their emotional state. We all love a cuddle from someone we love when we're upset, it's no different for kids. My job as a mum is to raise emotionally secure, confident, compassionate people. To do that, I have to show them, otherwise they'll never learn.
I am 100% against any infant circumcision, for one it's a violation of their Human Right to Genital Integrity, and 2, it's completely unecessary and actually harmful. Don't believe me? Check out The Whole Network for more information, I highly suggest you inform yourself. My son is intact, mostly because it's just not really done here in Australia but because my father was very much a vocal intactivist, so I grew up knowing why it's unecessary and why it's wrong. I fought hard aganst my partner who is circumcised, and wanted his son cut too. He was quite pro-cutting, but, even he understood why not to do it and supported me. Now, when there is someone that mentions it (usually during a nappy change) he tells them quite simply 'It's not up to us to decide, his body his choice'. He didn't want to violate his son's Human Right, although even if he didn't agree with me, I would have refused consent anyway. My son was not going to be cut, I had a say, I had to protect my son so I wasn't giving in.
Another way things have changed?
About vaccines. I am extremely p*ssed off that I was told they were safe, I get p*ssed off when doctors even now tell me they're safe even after I state the facts from the government sites. When I know better, they AREN'T safe, if your child has any reaction then the risk is 100%, you only know after the damage is done.
The latest doctor to insist they are safe didn't like being told/reminded (assuming he ever knew a thing about them) that only between 1-10% of ALL reactions to vaccines are even reported. That there has never been a long term double blind study with a control done on vaccines and the long term effectiveness and safety so it is absolutely untrue to say they are 100% safe and it unethical to suggest/demand I vaccinate when they really don't know anything about them, or what could happen to my child. Why should I inject my child when something worse than the illness they are vaccinating against could happen? Why risk death or neural damage? Pertussus has come into the media a lot lately, so many people insist its important to get it. Yet more than 80% of the people who were infected were fully or partially vaccinated. The vaccine is useless, Australia no longer offers free pertussus vaccines because of its ineffectiveness. States ending free parent whooping vaccine.
I did research into vaccines from the time my DD was 12 months, I got suspicious when I noticed they vaccinate for chicken pox at 18 months. I had chicken pox twice, older than the average (13 years old) and it didn't bother me at all, I remember it clearly. Why the heck should I vaccinate my child against something so mild as chicken pox? To protect the adults who might get sick? Well, um, hate to break it but it's like trying to eradicate the common cold. Nearly every kid will get it, someone will get worse off, why should I risk a reaction or autoimmune disease in my child for someone else they will most likely never come across. It's not that hard to keep sick kids away from immune compromised persons, especially if the symptoms arent masked like with the pertussus vaccine. People use the argument 'It will be less severe if I get it", yes, true, it also makes it harder to diagnose, meaning you could be walking around with a persistent cough sprading pertussus for ages before realising you have it, if you realise it.
Herd immunity, absolute myth. I can't help but laugh when someone tries that on me.
If you want something quick to read that you can start your research from, read this: If you are in support of vaccinations
I have legitimate concerns over the safety of vaccines. More and more research is indicating chronic illnesses are being caused my vaccines. As someone with a chronic illness (Crohn's Disease), I have to wonder if it was a result of being vaccinated. My daughter is, different to 'normal' kids, she's starting school next year and we don't think she's even close to being ready. She is having another asessment soon, at 18 months she was only slightly delayed but enough to recommend another asessment in the future. I have wondered if she is on the Autism scale, but she was too young to really tell until, well, now. I'm hoping it's normal developent, albeit slow, and she can cope well with school. I will not homeschool.
Currently, I am deeply researching vaccines, although I don't intend to vaccinate, I want as much information so that if people ask why, I can send them to a reliable source. I admit, I have not used medical journals for the links I have used in this entry, because mostly, this is my opinion and I'm not educating you, it's up to you to educate yourself. Mostly, they are places to start, you will find most if not all have references.
Most of my parenting journey has invoved extensive research, I can't ever change the past, I do regret how I started off parenting. I wish I prepared myself more. BUT I am here, doing my absoute best, there was no way I could have known any better. But now I do, I do better. Hopefully, by sharing my experiences, people will understand WHY I do what I do, so they're not so quick to judge.
We started using cloth nappies when DS was 5 months, I had enough of the smell of the bin, I was sick of wasting enormous amounts of money. One day I found out about modern cloth nappies, MCN's, besides saving thousands of dollars, it was only barely more expensive to buy cloth than it was to buy big boxes of disposeables. We spend $108 and within 2 weeks we had 30 pocket nappies with inserts, in a few months, I could afford to add to my Fluff. I have an addiction, and honestly, poop isn't that bad. It's nice to never run out too.
Thank you, if you took the time to read this.
Peace Love & Light.
I do not expect anyone to agree with everything I say, you are entitled to your own opinion too, which is why I ask that you remain respectful. I have tried to write this in the least offensive way possible, but I'm sure someone will still be offended somewhere, somehow. The links I provided are not intended to make you change your mind about anything, I only want to open your minds if my parenting 'style' seems wrong or odd to you.
BEFORE I discovered Attatchment Parenting.
I was/did:
Detatched.
I didn't hold her much, she spent a fair bit of time in her bouncer, part of this was the PPD I was too scared to hold her, part of it was because I didn't want to spoil her, everyone told me not to go to her the moment she would make a noise. And I listened. When I breastfed her to sleep, I wouldn't look at her, it would be dark, I wouldn't talk to her. It was just silence and darkness. That was when I breastfed her to sleep, other times she would get the dummy and be swaddled and put in the basinette. She spent a fair bit of time in her rocker, or on the floor playing with her toys while I sat and watched or wriggle a new toy in her face when she seemed bored, I didn't even think to cuddle her. I had no instinct, or so it felt like.
Scheduled feeds.
My daughter was put on a schedule for her feeds, it was our second day home and I remember turning to my partner as she cried 'But it's not time yet, she can't possibly be hungry!' Insert dummy
I gave my daughter formula, I didn't hold want her near my breasts. I think it was our 4th week, we gave her one or 2 bottles at night when engorgement made is absolutely impossibe to get her to latch. My breasts were like over inflated balloons, with flat nipples with deep cracks and a tongue tied baby, I was determined to keep going but I was losing the fight. I HATED breastfeeding. I don't know what kept me going. Even my partner was saying, 'We can always get formula' and it crushed me, I felt like such a failure. If I didn't scedule feeds it would have been much easier... but I only know that in hindsight. I did breastfeed for 16ish months, most of it was joyful and I was sad when she weaned.
Disposeable Nappies.
I used disposeables, and I didn't care much for the benefits of cloth. I was 11 weeks pregnant with DD when my mother in law suggested cloth, and I laughed and said there was only one way I would EVER use cloth, and that's if I didn't have to deal with poo (meaning not have to wash them haha) I was incredibly unaware how awesome cloth nappies were now, I was imagining the type you fold yourself and use pins.
Vaccines.
I vaccinated on schedule, and felt incredibly guilty when she was just one week late. I even was the person who thought those who didn't vaccinate must be selfish and were putting their babies and everyone around them at risk, I was THAT person. I blindly trusted my doctor, from 3 weeks my DD started to get the most awful eczema, even the steriod cream wasn't enough sometimes, it has continued to stay bad into early childhood. I didn't know there are MANY side effects of vaccines, I didn't know what was in them or even how they worked. I believed once my daughter had the shot she would be immune, she would be 100% protected and if she didn't suffer an instant and severe reaction she wouldn't have any problems later on. I understand there are people out there who may believe the risks to the vaccine is worth the risk, that is absolutely their decision but if you don't know the facts how can you make the right decision. I didn't have the facts, I wasn't making an informed decision to vaccinate but when I did become informed, I stopped vaccinating immediately.
What changed?
Things changed once I started reading about different parenting styles. They, Attatchment Parenting and Evolutionary Parenting mainly, were mentioned in a breastfeeding support group I was a part of. I was very interested in their philosophy, it went against what I had been told by my family, but it sounded so right for my family. I love the idea of nurturing babies, it went against my instinct to do what I did with my DD but cultural norms drowned it out. I don't even listen to the cultural norms now, my instinct is loud and clear.
When I finally got past my breastfeeding struggles, by nursing as often as I could (this happened mainly AFTER my surgery as an attempt to relactate, I was sucessful and was nursing exclusively after a week or so), I started to understand the imprtance in responding to baby's needs. When I saw that if I nursed my DD as soon as she started to rub her mouth, and make the little squeaks if I fed her straight away she would be so much more settled. She nursed often but she stopped crying in between, we didn't need the dummy as often athough we couldn't get her to get rid of it until she was 2, well after weaning, a few months after my second was born. I started to enjoy breastfeeding, and the cuddles that came with it. We nursed into toddlerhood, something I NEVER imagined myself doing, I thought 12 months was normal for them to wean... how uneducated I was haha
We started to bond, but there was damage to her trust in me, because of the detatched beginning. She didn't need me like babies should. This still breaks my heart, and I try hard every day to fix that. It's working, AP is the parenting style she suits best, I regret listening to everyone else...
When my son was born I was very much AP, I breastfed every hour or less for however long it took, and I never got as engorged as I did last time. As passionate as I am about breastfeeding, I don't think much of it now. It has become something so every day and normal to me, like driving a car, at first it's awesome and you're excited about it, after a while it's just how you do things, nothing that special. Except breastfeeding is always about the nurturing, the milky goodness, the snuggles and of course, knowing it's the best food you can provide, you can't do any better. I snuggled him ALL the time, I was addicted to my son. I wanted to spend every moment I could with him. I did love breastfeeding this time, from the beginning even when it was hard. It was easier because I knew HOW to. I'm happy to keep going through this pregnancy, as close to 2 as I can, we are at 16 months in a few days, almost the longest I have breastfed, and I am proud of that. If I can get to 18 months, just 2 months more and I will have reached my first goal, I was disappointed I didn't get that far with DD, even when even when I tried to keep going, I offered the breast often but over time, she lost all interest. I was glad she was the one who decided to wean in the end, even if we didn't make it to 18 months or 2 years. The whole point was for her to self wean.
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| DS less than 1 week old. I carried him like this everywhere I could. |
I bought a baby sling after reading something about baby wearing when she was 3.5 months, it was one of those Australian Bubzilla slings. I LOVED it, I wore her everywhere, well into toddlerhood until I was pretty far along in my pregnancy and it was too uncomfortable. Babywearing was what I needed, it reminded me of being pregnant, but I could kiss their little head.
When my DS was little I made a moby-like wrap (see below) and we used it all the time, I even did housework with him sleeping in it. I would go out for the day and only take a stroller for my DD rather than a double pram. I loved it and will make a new one for #3, I gave the one in the picture to my best friend a few days before moving interstate, she had just had her baby boy and I couldn't think of a better gift (she always admired it and borrowed it a few times). She adores it, and uses it 6 months later :)
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| Having fun outside 5-6 months old. |
As part of my growth, I began to develop my own parenting philosophy.
Babies are born with needs, these needs must be met for optimal emotional growth. Babies deserve more than to survive, they deserve to thrive. A baby's cry is precicely as urgent as it sounds, it's only logical, it's unnatural to be able to ignore it. I react when my kids cry, all I want to do is stop it immediately, I can't stand hearing crying and not do something to make it better. I did try cry it out/controlled crying/sleep training at one point when DD was 7 months. I detest that method now, it's a blatant disregard for their need to be near people when they sleep, it's uneccesarily putting mum and baby through incredible stress, NOT the magic fix all for a baby who won't sleep. It is also quite damaging to their brain. When they cry, they get stressed. When they get stressed the cortisol levels skyrocket and these high levels damage the brain. We all knew this, for a long time, remember the phrase 'Stress less, you'll live longer'? You can do your own research, but you can see here what I mean if you want http://www.livestrong.com/article/18695-effects-cortisol-brain/ I decided to NEVER EVER EVER EVER, do Cry It Out again, I even go as far as tell people NOT to do it, from my own experience, and from the research. What mother willingly puts her baby through that when she knows it isn't good for her baby at all? They're told it's the best thing to do, they're told it's important to teach baby to sleep on their own, they are told CIO won't hurt their babies.... they deserve to know the whole truth.
If you want to know what it's like for the baby? Read this, I found this when I was looking into CIO and it was what confirmed my deicision NOT to pracice CIO any more with my DD (we did it for a few weeks, right down to completely ignoring her scream until she fell asleep, the harshest way to do CIO.. I am forever guilty about not doing my research and putting my daughter through that). http://parentingredefined.blogspot.com.au/2010/12/letters-from-baby-please-dont-let-me.html
This isn't to say I let my kids walk all over me, absolutely not! I tell them NO quite easily, but I also tell others, no, too, so I'm not treating my kids with any less respect than any other person. They have boundaries but they also know I am ALWAYS there when they need me, they are ALWAYS safe, and they can always come to me no matter their emotional state. We all love a cuddle from someone we love when we're upset, it's no different for kids. My job as a mum is to raise emotionally secure, confident, compassionate people. To do that, I have to show them, otherwise they'll never learn.
I am 100% against any infant circumcision, for one it's a violation of their Human Right to Genital Integrity, and 2, it's completely unecessary and actually harmful. Don't believe me? Check out The Whole Network for more information, I highly suggest you inform yourself. My son is intact, mostly because it's just not really done here in Australia but because my father was very much a vocal intactivist, so I grew up knowing why it's unecessary and why it's wrong. I fought hard aganst my partner who is circumcised, and wanted his son cut too. He was quite pro-cutting, but, even he understood why not to do it and supported me. Now, when there is someone that mentions it (usually during a nappy change) he tells them quite simply 'It's not up to us to decide, his body his choice'. He didn't want to violate his son's Human Right, although even if he didn't agree with me, I would have refused consent anyway. My son was not going to be cut, I had a say, I had to protect my son so I wasn't giving in.
Another way things have changed?
About vaccines. I am extremely p*ssed off that I was told they were safe, I get p*ssed off when doctors even now tell me they're safe even after I state the facts from the government sites. When I know better, they AREN'T safe, if your child has any reaction then the risk is 100%, you only know after the damage is done.
The latest doctor to insist they are safe didn't like being told/reminded (assuming he ever knew a thing about them) that only between 1-10% of ALL reactions to vaccines are even reported. That there has never been a long term double blind study with a control done on vaccines and the long term effectiveness and safety so it is absolutely untrue to say they are 100% safe and it unethical to suggest/demand I vaccinate when they really don't know anything about them, or what could happen to my child. Why should I inject my child when something worse than the illness they are vaccinating against could happen? Why risk death or neural damage? Pertussus has come into the media a lot lately, so many people insist its important to get it. Yet more than 80% of the people who were infected were fully or partially vaccinated. The vaccine is useless, Australia no longer offers free pertussus vaccines because of its ineffectiveness. States ending free parent whooping vaccine.
I did research into vaccines from the time my DD was 12 months, I got suspicious when I noticed they vaccinate for chicken pox at 18 months. I had chicken pox twice, older than the average (13 years old) and it didn't bother me at all, I remember it clearly. Why the heck should I vaccinate my child against something so mild as chicken pox? To protect the adults who might get sick? Well, um, hate to break it but it's like trying to eradicate the common cold. Nearly every kid will get it, someone will get worse off, why should I risk a reaction or autoimmune disease in my child for someone else they will most likely never come across. It's not that hard to keep sick kids away from immune compromised persons, especially if the symptoms arent masked like with the pertussus vaccine. People use the argument 'It will be less severe if I get it", yes, true, it also makes it harder to diagnose, meaning you could be walking around with a persistent cough sprading pertussus for ages before realising you have it, if you realise it.
Herd immunity, absolute myth. I can't help but laugh when someone tries that on me.
If you want something quick to read that you can start your research from, read this: If you are in support of vaccinations
I have legitimate concerns over the safety of vaccines. More and more research is indicating chronic illnesses are being caused my vaccines. As someone with a chronic illness (Crohn's Disease), I have to wonder if it was a result of being vaccinated. My daughter is, different to 'normal' kids, she's starting school next year and we don't think she's even close to being ready. She is having another asessment soon, at 18 months she was only slightly delayed but enough to recommend another asessment in the future. I have wondered if she is on the Autism scale, but she was too young to really tell until, well, now. I'm hoping it's normal developent, albeit slow, and she can cope well with school. I will not homeschool.
Currently, I am deeply researching vaccines, although I don't intend to vaccinate, I want as much information so that if people ask why, I can send them to a reliable source. I admit, I have not used medical journals for the links I have used in this entry, because mostly, this is my opinion and I'm not educating you, it's up to you to educate yourself. Mostly, they are places to start, you will find most if not all have references.
Most of my parenting journey has invoved extensive research, I can't ever change the past, I do regret how I started off parenting. I wish I prepared myself more. BUT I am here, doing my absoute best, there was no way I could have known any better. But now I do, I do better. Hopefully, by sharing my experiences, people will understand WHY I do what I do, so they're not so quick to judge.
We started using cloth nappies when DS was 5 months, I had enough of the smell of the bin, I was sick of wasting enormous amounts of money. One day I found out about modern cloth nappies, MCN's, besides saving thousands of dollars, it was only barely more expensive to buy cloth than it was to buy big boxes of disposeables. We spend $108 and within 2 weeks we had 30 pocket nappies with inserts, in a few months, I could afford to add to my Fluff. I have an addiction, and honestly, poop isn't that bad. It's nice to never run out too.
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| Cloth nappies make the best summerwear, and it looks cute ;) |
Thank you, if you took the time to read this.
Peace Love & Light.
Friday, 10 August 2012
Facebook!
I've decided to start up a facebook page for anyone who reads this blog. I'll share bits of info I find interesting, from Freebirthing to Placenta encapsulation, if 'likers' want to know something I'll find out for them if I can. It's something I love doing, unfortunately my personal facebook is not the place to share certain things... not everyone wants to see a picture of a placenta ;).
I hope to have a big enough community where like minded people have a safe space to learn and share. I use facebook daily, so it will hopefully become a sort of, extra to the blog.
If there are enough 'likers' I will be looking into adding another admin, I want no trolling or harassment or bullying to take place, which is rare to come across but some of my favourites such as Birth Without Fear and Mama Birth manage to do it, so I know it can be done.
I hope my idea goes somewhere, I have time to dedicate to it, I just hope it's worth it.
So, please 'like' Diary of a Birth Greek :) Diary of a Birth Geek Facebook
Peace, Love & Light.
I hope to have a big enough community where like minded people have a safe space to learn and share. I use facebook daily, so it will hopefully become a sort of, extra to the blog.
If there are enough 'likers' I will be looking into adding another admin, I want no trolling or harassment or bullying to take place, which is rare to come across but some of my favourites such as Birth Without Fear and Mama Birth manage to do it, so I know it can be done.
I hope my idea goes somewhere, I have time to dedicate to it, I just hope it's worth it.
So, please 'like' Diary of a Birth Greek :) Diary of a Birth Geek Facebook
Peace, Love & Light.
Fetal tones at 13+4
I played with my doppler today, and I got a lovely strong sound. For fun, I recorded it ;)
I am 13+4, bub likes to chill out on my right side. I am 100% sure I have another anterior placenta, it's sitting near the top, a little to the right, it's so easy to find when you can hear it, it's a slower whooshing sound, similar to the maternal pulse. Nowhere near as fast as baby.
So here it is, the fetal tones at 13 weeks and 4 days, with an anterior placenta. The first time I've EVER heart a heart beat at this gestation, because most midwives don't start checking until later in the pregnancy, I think with my first it was 14 weeks when the OB tried, she ended up getting the ultrasound so we only saw it, we heard it at 18 weeks, and about 18 weeks with DS. I'd be waiting another month if I was not doing it myself.
DF is THRILLED we can do it ourselves, he loves the idea of checking the heart himself. Since catching his son, he's become more interested in birthy stuff, he understands things more (I've never had a C-section but he's very familiar with the terms VBAC and VBa2C, HBAC etc...I think he's aware I have a soft spot for VBACs) , and honestly, I LOVE teaching him this stuff, I get to talk birth as much as I want... except I'm not allowed to watch One Born Every Minute with him in the room, I yell at the tv a lot, as much as I cry like a baby when the baby is born. They treat birth like a xenomorph is going to explode out of the vagina... (if you have ever seen the Alien movies, you'll know what I mean) and as much as I am addicted to that first moment when mum meets baby it really does bother me, and I probably would be happier not watching it...
So anyway, there it is, my baby's heart beat at 13 weeks 4 days gestation. Something I thought I would share with the world :)
Peace, Love & light.
I am 13+4, bub likes to chill out on my right side. I am 100% sure I have another anterior placenta, it's sitting near the top, a little to the right, it's so easy to find when you can hear it, it's a slower whooshing sound, similar to the maternal pulse. Nowhere near as fast as baby.
So here it is, the fetal tones at 13 weeks and 4 days, with an anterior placenta. The first time I've EVER heart a heart beat at this gestation, because most midwives don't start checking until later in the pregnancy, I think with my first it was 14 weeks when the OB tried, she ended up getting the ultrasound so we only saw it, we heard it at 18 weeks, and about 18 weeks with DS. I'd be waiting another month if I was not doing it myself.
So anyway, there it is, my baby's heart beat at 13 weeks 4 days gestation. Something I thought I would share with the world :)
Peace, Love & light.
Friday, 3 August 2012
12 weeks 5 days
I am 13 weeks in 2 days, and I think I've pulled a muscle from throwing up.
I feel bruised and it's uncomfortable to move and breathe, it hurts worse after being sick, which is at least 4 times a day. Ginger isn't working so I'm focusing on getting food in and drinking plenty, I feel great when the nausea goes so I know I'm getting enough in. I'm gaining weight and I've got a little round belly.
DS is cutting down his nursing, he nurses about 4 times a day and sleeps almost through the night without waking to nurse. He's cutting his inscisors, all 4 currently, so I suspect he may cut down more, part of me is glad, another part of me desperately wants him to nurse as long as he wants not because I'm pregnant and milk supply is going. I love breastfeeding him, it settles him 99% of the time, not that he's an unsettled one, for the most part he's pretty chilled ;)
I'm taking each day as it comes, I hope to at least nurse DS until he is 18 months, I'd really be happy if he weans later rather than sooner. I won't mnd tandem if that means only nursing DS before he sleeps, but there's no way I can cope with a newborn and nursing DS as often as he does now. Because I'm running out of milk, I give him drinks of water rather than nurse, as much as I really didn't want to, I'm leading weaning. Hoping it happens slowly but not too slowly. We'll just have to see how things are going.
I'm waiting for my doppler to arrive, I can't wait to finally hear the heart tones. We only plan 1, at 20 weeks to check out how bub's growing and rule out things that may complicate birth and rule out things that would require immediate high care, something we cannot provide. We're not having the genetic testing, or any blood tests at all.
We are getting blood typing cards, because we should be able to use whatever cord blood there is (after the 3rd stage is over) to determine blood tupe. The ones we're looking at will tells us if he/she is rh neg or rh pos, it will be easy to call my gp or head to the hospital for the rh shot within 72 hours of birth, I'm considering having the shot at 35 weeks or maybe a little sooner, since it lasts for about 12 weeks but I'm looking more into it at the moment before I make my decision. I have plenty of time.
I'm going to get vit k supplements for myself, DS had the vit k shot after birth because he was very bruised, he looked red in pictures for a while, his eyes were very red they were too dark to see what colour his eyes were (see pic) at the time the red concerned me so I gave permission for the shot, the only one my son has had in his life (he is vax free).
I am not sure of my family's history, but I am aware my father had an issue with bruising as a child (he would roll around and the floor and be covered) which was why I agreed to the shot and not asked for the oral vit k, I was concerned he was already bleeding. I need to find out exactly what the issue was with my dad, so I know if I should have the oral one on hand or if me taking extra will be ok. I don't intend to not have the vit k altogether.
I am currently saving to get The Healing Passage, a book for midwives on tearing, I tore nearly 3rd degree, and although I know exactly why I tore that badly (I ignored my body telling me to pant while he was crowning) I want to know more. I tore internally, very unlike an episiotomy so I don't have scarring that I can feel/ massage prior to birth, I hope this means if I control the pushing stage, I can avoid tearing altogether like with my first (I only had grazes). I'm not afraid of tearing anymore though, it's way less painful than a broken coccyx ;)
That's it for now. DS has nursed to sleep so it's time to move him to bed.
Peace, Love & Light
I feel bruised and it's uncomfortable to move and breathe, it hurts worse after being sick, which is at least 4 times a day. Ginger isn't working so I'm focusing on getting food in and drinking plenty, I feel great when the nausea goes so I know I'm getting enough in. I'm gaining weight and I've got a little round belly.
DS is cutting down his nursing, he nurses about 4 times a day and sleeps almost through the night without waking to nurse. He's cutting his inscisors, all 4 currently, so I suspect he may cut down more, part of me is glad, another part of me desperately wants him to nurse as long as he wants not because I'm pregnant and milk supply is going. I love breastfeeding him, it settles him 99% of the time, not that he's an unsettled one, for the most part he's pretty chilled ;)
I'm taking each day as it comes, I hope to at least nurse DS until he is 18 months, I'd really be happy if he weans later rather than sooner. I won't mnd tandem if that means only nursing DS before he sleeps, but there's no way I can cope with a newborn and nursing DS as often as he does now. Because I'm running out of milk, I give him drinks of water rather than nurse, as much as I really didn't want to, I'm leading weaning. Hoping it happens slowly but not too slowly. We'll just have to see how things are going.
I'm waiting for my doppler to arrive, I can't wait to finally hear the heart tones. We only plan 1, at 20 weeks to check out how bub's growing and rule out things that may complicate birth and rule out things that would require immediate high care, something we cannot provide. We're not having the genetic testing, or any blood tests at all.
We are getting blood typing cards, because we should be able to use whatever cord blood there is (after the 3rd stage is over) to determine blood tupe. The ones we're looking at will tells us if he/she is rh neg or rh pos, it will be easy to call my gp or head to the hospital for the rh shot within 72 hours of birth, I'm considering having the shot at 35 weeks or maybe a little sooner, since it lasts for about 12 weeks but I'm looking more into it at the moment before I make my decision. I have plenty of time.
I'm going to get vit k supplements for myself, DS had the vit k shot after birth because he was very bruised, he looked red in pictures for a while, his eyes were very red they were too dark to see what colour his eyes were (see pic) at the time the red concerned me so I gave permission for the shot, the only one my son has had in his life (he is vax free).
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| DS less than 24 hours old |
I am currently saving to get The Healing Passage, a book for midwives on tearing, I tore nearly 3rd degree, and although I know exactly why I tore that badly (I ignored my body telling me to pant while he was crowning) I want to know more. I tore internally, very unlike an episiotomy so I don't have scarring that I can feel/ massage prior to birth, I hope this means if I control the pushing stage, I can avoid tearing altogether like with my first (I only had grazes). I'm not afraid of tearing anymore though, it's way less painful than a broken coccyx ;)
That's it for now. DS has nursed to sleep so it's time to move him to bed.
Peace, Love & Light
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