It's official, I have just one month left until my due date. I'm starting to get nervous which is an absolute first for me, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that this is my first planned freebirth and I'm all too aware of the complications that could arise, even though I also know the likelihood of them actually happening are minimal.
I worry about severe tearing, not that I've had severe tearing with either of my kids, I was lucky I only had a 2nd degree tear with my second, a precipitous birth. I'm not entirely sure why it plays on my mind, I think mostly it's because bub is staying posterior most of the time and I know that increases the risk of tearing. I am having a waterbirth (assuming there's time and I feel like being in the water at the time) so tearing badly is not really that likely. I really want to avoid the hospital, it's not an environment I want to bring my newborn into if I can help it.
I worry about excessive bleeding, with precispitous births there's a higher chance of post partum haemorrhage, I barely bled after DS's birth which was a precipitous birth but I guess I'm going to be wondering if it will happen this time just becuse I know know it can happen. I have Shepherd's Purse tea on hand which will be made up and put in the fridge, if I begin to bleed a bit much there's no fussing around, it's already there ready to drink, I will also of course consume some placenta... as much as taking it raw really gives me the heebee jeebees. I do wonder if the increased risk includes induced birth or not, I'm guessing truly natural precipitous births don't happen often enough to get enough data to say for sure, including a physiological 3rd stage and baby being placed on the mother immediately.
I have dreams where he doesn't breathe like he should and I see myself sucking out the fluid and helping him breathe, he always pinks up and cries heartily but it scares me to dream it. I think my subconscious is reminding me that I do know what to do in certain situations, that I need not worry. I often dream he has a nuchal cord and I have to slip it over his head, always with ease. Other times he is born in the caul. Most often though, I dream his birth is very, very quick, I'll be out somewhere and suddenly labour starts and then all of a sudden I'm pushing with a whole lot of people around me.
I guess what I fear most, is having my privacy taken away from me.
We have a few things to prepare for before I feel comfortable giving birth, at the moment we're waiting for the go ahead to move. Where we are now is sending us broke and it is putting me under a lot of stress. Last time we moved when I was pregnant it was extremely stressful, I had hoped to avoid that but nope.. not going to happen it seems. I fear that stress is going to send me into labour and not the completion of my unborn son's lung development.
I have to still get something to weigh him with and I have to find something to tie off the cord with. I have to get the capsules for my encapsulated placenta but we have everything else.
Symptom-wise for this week, he's been moving a lot and hiccuping several times a day which is soooo cute. I'm still feeling rather tired and insomnia has kicked in big time. My hips are hurting a fair bit now, when I get out of bed I hear them crunch. Breastfeeding has become really uncomfortable, getting into a position that works is harder these days and my breasts have become sensitive again. It's on and off so I hope it goes away again. I'm so glad I stuck with it though, there have been times where only boobie is going to help him sleep or calm down. Also, there are some really sweet moments where I melt into a puddle of mum-goo, I wish I had this with my DD...Or that I remember them but because I had severe PND and PTSD I don't remember all that much of my daughter's first 2 years, and it breaks my heart.
I'm hungry a lot of the time, I eat to the point I feel like I'm going to explode even though it's not a huge amount of food and unfortunately due to pregnancy it takes longer to digest that food so I have to wait, making me ravenous by the time I feel comfortable to stuff my face again. I'm finding it difficult to drink enough water, I don't know how to explain it but it really takes some effort to drink what is needed. I'm never thirsty, which makes it more difficult to work out how much I need, I have always drank to thirst but it seems that's not enough because I don't pee enough and it's the wrong colour when I do...
I'm currently reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, I seriously love that woman! The more things I read where birth is spoken of as a normal thing, the less anxiety I have, when I make the mistake of watching a youtube video of a highly medicalised birth.. I stress just a bit, because that's how birth is seen for the rest of the population.. lying on a bed with monitors strapped to them , IV in the arm usually with Pit flowing, legs in stirrups while a doctor or nurse counts to ten as they purple push...it's seen as totally normal, but it's not.. it's actually really frightening to someone like me who has only ever experienced a normal physiological birth and the only time I was on the bed during my DD's birth was when my waters were broken and I discovered I was 9cm with a lip and then when I pushed on my hands and knees where the only noises were of me grunting and my mum, midiwfe and partner telling me I'm doing a great job.
I do get all teary when mum and dad meet their baby, regardless of whether it is a cesarean or not, whether it was a medicalised birth or not. Because those moments are always beautiful.
I can't wait to meet my son, the final addition to our family. I'm excited for the birth even though I feel some anxiety. I know it will hurt, but it is so, so worth it.
Until next time,
Peace, Love and Light, and thank you for following my journey :)
Friday, 11 January 2013
Thursday, 3 January 2013
34 weeks 4 days
So here we are, about 6 weeks left assuming like my last 2 pregnancies, baby is ready before his due date. I know I say this all the time but gosh it has gone so fast!
So recent symptoms...
Sleep has become near impossible to achieve, when I lie on my side bub kicks and stretches and it is quite painful. His little limbs go everywhere like I've got a little octopus in there. My partner and I have joked about the ultrasound being wrong and that there's 2 in there but I'm definitely not big enough for twins ;) As much as I love being able to feel him move so much more than I remember with my other 2, it is getting more painful the bigger he gets and I want him to rotate from posterior to anterior. So I've been crawling around the house and rocking on my gym ball, my partner thinks it is hilarious of course, me big and pregnant crawling around after the kids.
I'm waddling big time, I swear I give new meaning to waddling right now. I can feel my entire body rock left to right and there's not a thing I can do to stop it, I can't help but laugh at myself.
I'm feeling the dreaded 3rd trimester exhaustion, I want to sleep ALL THE TIME, but obviously I can't with 2 little ones running around.
My belly is stretching but no sign of new stretch marks yet, if my last 2 pregnancies are anything to go by I shall be seeing them pop up in the next 2 weeks, I'm not bothered by stretch marks in the slightest, I like having new ones each time, a mark on my body to remember the pregnancy. I have a tattoo (and plan more when I'm done breastfeeding) but I admit, there's nothing more beautiful to me than one nature gives me. My skin is looking a little red and under my belly button I have a strip where it's lighter than the rest, not unlike the linea nigra, just white instead, it's something I've never come across before. My skin itches like crazy after I've eaten, and I always seem to eat too much for the tiny space left for my stomach to expand. My ribs on my right side are spreading out more than the left, it's incredibly painful.
I've started to feel nauseated and have thrown up a couple of times in the last 2 days, I hope it doesn't continue. I've noticed it is much worse when I haven't had enough sleep, or a good enough sleep. DS is nursing still but once he's nursed to sleep he generally stays asleep until about 5am when my partner gets up and plays with him so I get to stay in bed and sleep (isn't he such a sweetheart :))
We have been discussing what is going to happen when bub gets here, I've pretty much told my DF that I will not be refusing to nurse DS. He was never totally ok with DS nursing past 2 (because unless it's happening it's hard to imagine, when DD weaned at 16 months I couldn't imagine nursing a 20 month old.. now I am and it's just as normal as it was to nurse a newborn), or tandem but has realised it's just out of our control if we don't want to resort to Cry-It-Out. I think he is still secretly hoping DS will wean but I know it won't be happening, he nurses to sleep most times and whenever he's hurt or upset.
We will be moving in the next week or so, so I'll finally be able to start nesting. I'm in love with the new place, there's a bath so I don't have to worry too much about needing a pool to labour and birth in. Also, it's not so close to any of the neighbours, we'll be on 1/2 an acre so I won't be worrying about the neighbours calling the cops thinking I'm being murdered or something horrible like that if I happen to roar my baby out this time.
I keep dreaming about the birth. Very strange dreams where my back is aching and all of a sudden I get the urge to push and pop, out comes baby. I can keep dreaming about a painless labour even though I know it's unlikely to happen. I catch myself thinking about what he will look like, whether he will cry or not (DS didn't cry, he just cooed and made those sweet little baby sounds newborns do), will he be an easy labour or will be be more difficult, will he be born in the caul or not, will my son and daughter be there or will they be asleep, will one be up and not the other, will labour begin at night or during the day... I try very hard not to focus on the negatives, like what if he needs help after being born, if I need help during labour, what if I need a c-section or something. I'm reading about complications constantly, reading out what I'm reading while my partner sits beside me and listens. We discuss what could happen, what we would do, what would need to happen if ____ was to happen. Necessary of course, we have a backup plan but I hope very much that we never need to resort to that.
My mother in law is coming up to visit, she's planning to come up a couple of days before my due date. I'm not entirely sure if I'll be asking her to attend the birth or not, assuming bub isn't born by then. She's fully aware we're planning to freebirth, she even knows I'm doing my own prenatal care, and you know what's cool about that?? She's totally fine with it!! She says she trusts us and trusts our baby will be born safely, whether or not it includes hospital transfer. My parents are ambulance officers so I have not and will not be telling them, I know they will only worry.
I am planning to record the birth, I may or may not edit to share on youtube but I want people to see physiological birth.
And that's all for now, DS is nursing to sleep but it's difficult to type and nurse a toddler while pregnant ;)
So recent symptoms...
Sleep has become near impossible to achieve, when I lie on my side bub kicks and stretches and it is quite painful. His little limbs go everywhere like I've got a little octopus in there. My partner and I have joked about the ultrasound being wrong and that there's 2 in there but I'm definitely not big enough for twins ;) As much as I love being able to feel him move so much more than I remember with my other 2, it is getting more painful the bigger he gets and I want him to rotate from posterior to anterior. So I've been crawling around the house and rocking on my gym ball, my partner thinks it is hilarious of course, me big and pregnant crawling around after the kids.
I'm waddling big time, I swear I give new meaning to waddling right now. I can feel my entire body rock left to right and there's not a thing I can do to stop it, I can't help but laugh at myself.
I'm feeling the dreaded 3rd trimester exhaustion, I want to sleep ALL THE TIME, but obviously I can't with 2 little ones running around.
My belly is stretching but no sign of new stretch marks yet, if my last 2 pregnancies are anything to go by I shall be seeing them pop up in the next 2 weeks, I'm not bothered by stretch marks in the slightest, I like having new ones each time, a mark on my body to remember the pregnancy. I have a tattoo (and plan more when I'm done breastfeeding) but I admit, there's nothing more beautiful to me than one nature gives me. My skin is looking a little red and under my belly button I have a strip where it's lighter than the rest, not unlike the linea nigra, just white instead, it's something I've never come across before. My skin itches like crazy after I've eaten, and I always seem to eat too much for the tiny space left for my stomach to expand. My ribs on my right side are spreading out more than the left, it's incredibly painful.
I've started to feel nauseated and have thrown up a couple of times in the last 2 days, I hope it doesn't continue. I've noticed it is much worse when I haven't had enough sleep, or a good enough sleep. DS is nursing still but once he's nursed to sleep he generally stays asleep until about 5am when my partner gets up and plays with him so I get to stay in bed and sleep (isn't he such a sweetheart :))
We have been discussing what is going to happen when bub gets here, I've pretty much told my DF that I will not be refusing to nurse DS. He was never totally ok with DS nursing past 2 (because unless it's happening it's hard to imagine, when DD weaned at 16 months I couldn't imagine nursing a 20 month old.. now I am and it's just as normal as it was to nurse a newborn), or tandem but has realised it's just out of our control if we don't want to resort to Cry-It-Out. I think he is still secretly hoping DS will wean but I know it won't be happening, he nurses to sleep most times and whenever he's hurt or upset.
We will be moving in the next week or so, so I'll finally be able to start nesting. I'm in love with the new place, there's a bath so I don't have to worry too much about needing a pool to labour and birth in. Also, it's not so close to any of the neighbours, we'll be on 1/2 an acre so I won't be worrying about the neighbours calling the cops thinking I'm being murdered or something horrible like that if I happen to roar my baby out this time.
I keep dreaming about the birth. Very strange dreams where my back is aching and all of a sudden I get the urge to push and pop, out comes baby. I can keep dreaming about a painless labour even though I know it's unlikely to happen. I catch myself thinking about what he will look like, whether he will cry or not (DS didn't cry, he just cooed and made those sweet little baby sounds newborns do), will he be an easy labour or will be be more difficult, will he be born in the caul or not, will my son and daughter be there or will they be asleep, will one be up and not the other, will labour begin at night or during the day... I try very hard not to focus on the negatives, like what if he needs help after being born, if I need help during labour, what if I need a c-section or something. I'm reading about complications constantly, reading out what I'm reading while my partner sits beside me and listens. We discuss what could happen, what we would do, what would need to happen if ____ was to happen. Necessary of course, we have a backup plan but I hope very much that we never need to resort to that.
My mother in law is coming up to visit, she's planning to come up a couple of days before my due date. I'm not entirely sure if I'll be asking her to attend the birth or not, assuming bub isn't born by then. She's fully aware we're planning to freebirth, she even knows I'm doing my own prenatal care, and you know what's cool about that?? She's totally fine with it!! She says she trusts us and trusts our baby will be born safely, whether or not it includes hospital transfer. My parents are ambulance officers so I have not and will not be telling them, I know they will only worry.
I am planning to record the birth, I may or may not edit to share on youtube but I want people to see physiological birth.
And that's all for now, DS is nursing to sleep but it's difficult to type and nurse a toddler while pregnant ;)
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