Birth of baby E

Once again, it has been a long time between posts. I apologise for that.
It has been a long journey since I last wrote. I had my baby boy, a perfect healthy little boy who has stolen my heart.

In all honesty, I don't know where to start. His birth was amazing but postpartum as very difficult... 

I had an uneventful end of my pregnancy. The drug induced lupus went away once I discontinued the culprit drug and I started on Humira. I did fine with that, no side effects. I was surprised I was able to inject myself because I have always hated needles.

I knew baby would come sooner than my last one, I just had a feeling. I knew I would birth somewhere after 38.5 weeks but before my due date.
 37 weeks came and I became incredibly emotional, it was very much like severe depression, which I have gone through before. I could barely get myself out of bed and I cried a lot. I just knew I was at the end. I cried to my mum and she came over with plaster to do a belly cast since I had always wanted to do one.
I spent a lot of time trying to work out what music I wanted playing while I laboured. I fell in love with Merlin's Magic, I would dance to it and meditate in the bath while listening to it on my headphones.
For about a week before E was born, I had nightly contractions that fizzled after 2h, I never once thought I was going into labour but I hoped of course. To distract us from the prodromal labour we would watch a movie right before bed and just chill. Just 2 days before E was born I had a lot of discomfort, the prodromal labour felt like early labour with a badly positioned bub so I spent much of that in the bath trying to move him. I was never able to accurately pinpoint his position, I just knew he was head down and not anterior.
The day before, 6th March, it was my dad's birthday and a full moon. I knew there was something significant about that date. I was 38 weeks and 5 days on that day. I had what would be my last antenatal appointment after I picked my daughter up from school. The midwife said to come straight in once labour started and I said straight out I had no plans to do that. She didn't say anything. I was getting lots of tightenings and bub was 3/5ths engaged, no surprise to me because I was doing my own prenatal care at home (measuring belly and palpating position) I was really wasting my time going but I still went to prove we were both fine.
That night I sat on the bench outside and watched the full moon, talking to my baby and then walked around to my partner who was doing something with the car and mentioned the full moon and how my dad had sent me a message saying there was still time for him to share his birthday. I thought it was cute, my dad was very excited about his new grandson. My partner was off work because he had been sick but was going back the next morning, he was joking around how it would be cool if bub came so he didn't have to go to work the next morning.
I had yet another round of prodromal labour start around 8pm, I was almost convinced it was 'it' until 11pm and it suddenly stopped. I had a bath, went to bed rather grumpy and convinced I was going to be the first person to be pregnant forever. Hilarious considering I was only 38 weeks.
I slept soundly, even R slept well only waking once or twice in the night to nurse. When my partner left for work at 5am I woke as he kissed be goodbye, I fell back asleep and didn't wake until 8am.

Almost on the dot, 8am, I woke up needing to pee and I was having a tightening. Of course I ignored it and got brekky for the kids and made myself a coffee. A slow start, it was Saturday morning and we had no plans.
As I was making breakfast I felt more tightenings with a lot of pressure, I started to wonder because they were different. After about half an hour I was almost sure but it definitely wasn't active labour, I sent a message to my partner saying I thought it was the day but I would let him know when I wanted him to come home. He would normally finish around 10 and be home half an hour later. I sent a message to my mum, even though I wasn't certain I wanted her and my sister there for the birth.

A little while later the tightenings were getting more pushy, not as in baby coming out but baby pushing down and cervix opening. I checked myself but nothing was different and I started thinking I was getting ahead of myself but also saying to myself that dilation meant absolutely nothing. Very early labour I thought to myself.

I put a movie on for the kids and started some housework. I did the dishes and in the middle of that I was certain baby was coming that day and things were moving slower than last time. I called S and the first thing out of my mouth was 'I hope you're thinking of leaving soon' he was packing up and about to leave, he knew that for me to say something was up meant baby was on his way. He knew me better than myself in early labour.
I called my mum and said it was definitely the day, I ended the call saying I would get back to her when I wanted her to come. She was supposed to be there to watch the kids, and my sister was to come so she could see the awesomeness of birth.

I kept cleaning, this was me nesting. I started vacuuming just after 10. I had to hum and sway through some contractions because it was hard to ignore them but they were so irregular and lasted under 30 seconds. I'd be holding onto the vacuum as I swayed, once it stopped I kept going. I was peaceful but in disbelief I was actually in early labour.

Just as I put a sheet over the couch (they were old and stained, I hated them uncovered) S pulled up the driveway. I greeted him at the door and he gave me a kiss all excited. he touched my belly and then we just chatted while I had contractions. I was sitting on my gym ball and noticed that sitting made them quite strong.
Not too long after my parents turned up, it was 1130 and they were just checking in before hanging out in town nearby. Then my sister came and we all just chatted and laughed. it really didn't feel like I was labouring rather than they were there visiting. It was really nice.
I was getting pretty uncomfortable not too long after they came, I sat on my ball and stopped trying to relax and gritted my teeth as I had a contraction. it hurt but not like I had experienced before.

I started to get thirsty, I asked my partner to go to the shops (why I didn't ask or go get a drink I don't know). He and my dad went outside, I assumed they left.
It was just me, my mum and my sister sitting in the lounge bathed in sunlight. It was just before midday and it was a beautiful day.
My mum reminded me to breathe through contractions and then recorded me pacing around during one because sitting was too intense. I laughed at her because she said 'well you wanted a memento right?'... I did, but it felt so weird labouring in front of her, I'd had 2 babies without anyone watching me, it was surreal.

I was getting a bit annoyed and when I was told my dad and S were out the front talking about cars of all things I said they better get a move on or I won't get my drink (I wanted gatoraide or something hydrating, I didn't have any). Mum went out to tell them and then as I was standing taking to my sister after a contraction 'pop' went my waters. I thought it was hilarious and thought they'd gone early this time. I giggled as I waddled down the hallway, dripping amniotic fluid as I went. My sister followed me and wiped up my mess with a towel and then went outside to tell S and my dad to not go anywhere. They'd literally just pulled out of the driveway.
I took my pants off and saw my waters, the smell of birth washed over me. I peed standing because I felt a lot more pressure than before and S walked in. He knew birth was very close and started filling the bath for me. I told him to have the taps all the way on because it wasn't going to fill fast enough, I had a contraction and I yelled through it, I heard my dad call out that I was ok. He didn't know how close his grandson was to being born or that that was the most intense contraction I'd had. A proper labour contraction that I didn't want to do again. After that was over S walked out to check the kids or something, I don't actually know.

I stayed on my hands and knees feeling the pressure, it didn't go away even with contractions coming and going.
With my sister and mum standing in the doorway I ignored them and checked myself and felt bub's head. it didn't exactly click that he was coming but I knew it was close. My sister was clicking away with her camera and my mum got embarrassed because she realised what I was doing. S came back in and held my hand, the contraction didn't stop. I got in the bath (squatted) and took off my crop top. I was naked. I had a rather intense contraction and said I felt like pooping and didn't care if I did (I knew I was pushing but since R took a while I thought E would too). My sister and mum walked out and I had another contraction and it hurt a lot more than the rest, I made a pushy sound and I heard someone say I was pushing but I was off with the fairies at this point.

All of a sudden I felt his head right 'there' and felt it all bulging. I tried not to push but his head was coming and suddenly popped out, I said OMG his head's out and to keep it under the water. A few moments later I realised he wasn't coming out with me squatting in the bath and stuck a leg out and lied back and out came the rest of him in a whoosh. As we pulled him out the water my parents and sister came running in and fortunately someone got a picture of us pulling him out of the water before we got the nuchal cord off. I mentioned the cord and my dad gasped but I said it was fine.
We popped him on my chest and he just lied there on my chest looking around, my mum came over and rubbed his back a little and I insisted he was ok, it would take him a moment to cry because he came out so fast, his cord was providing what he needed.
My first thoughts were that he was so little, almost prem compared to R who was 8lbs. Then he let out a cute but hearty cry and I heard my dad say 'that's what we want to hear'. I imagine it felt like an eternity, considering I never prepared him for the realities of birth. He only had his ambo training and his own children's births to go by. I birth differently and my expectation are less medicalised.

I was overwhelmed with joy and cried as I held him. It was really cool to share that moment with them. My dad walked over to the bath, he thanked me for letting him be there and I saw tears in his eyes. It was a special moment I never in a million years could have guessed would happen.

I got out of the bath, I didn't want to be in there and felt a bit lightheaded because of it and E had his first boobie. They took pictures and we all had a good look at him. We went into the lounge, E still boobin' and after the cord was empty I cut it and we waited for the placenta.

I did it, I had a water birth (I didn't plan on it), my son was earthside safely and surrounded by the people who loved him most.

I did go to the hospital before the placenta came, the cord was cut in preparation, I was very lightheaded, my BP dropped and I made the call to go. I knew if I was at risk of bleeding due to the speed of birth and it wasn't the ideal quiet dark environment I needed and didn't feel like everything was 100%. I just needed to lie down but we were all a bit shocked because none of us expected E to pop out within 10 minutes of my water breaking. I was ok but the stranger midwife did pull on the placenta out of panic, it hurt very much. I said to stop multiple times and was ignored but I did report her for violating me in that way. No means no, stop means stop....

I knew the placenta wasn't ready, it was not even an hour after birth and my BP had stabilised so she was unnecessarily pulling. I grew terrified she would cause exactly what I was there to make sure didn't happen. It hurt a lot, I am certain she pulled it off too soon and I did bleed a lot but not too much (I was quite anaemic afterwards needing an infusion a couple of months after when I saw my specialist for my crohn's, I had very good iron levels at 36 weeks) The excuse for why it hurt was that I had a mild accretia (slightly imbedded into the uterine wall, deeper than it should but not enough for a manual extraction), which upon inspecting the placenta I know to be untrue. She just didn't wait. If she was worried I would have let her give syntocin but she never explained herself. I felt like I was being punished for having him at home.

The visit to the hospital was horrible, I will go into it more later but not in this post, it is long enough and I don't want to ruin an otherwise good birth story. I have postpartum depression and my PTSD was triggered. It took 6 months before I didn't cry at the memory but I've got a way to go before I'll be ok.

I don't regret anything, if anything I have been taught more than I hoped. I will one day be a midwife and I'll be more careful with how I treat my mothers and babies.

Baby E was born at 12:16, on Saturday the 7th March. Active labour was under half an hour, with a nice easy early labour. E was 7lbs and 49cm long and his head was 35cm (bigger than all of them but no big  tears  even though his big head came so fast, I had only a minor internal tear I chose to leave unsutured and it has healed well.

I do not plan to have another baby, but if I ever did I will be having a private midwife. I could have used a person I trusted to care for me when I wanted it.

So this the end of my story. I am considering writing a different blog, because I have a lot going on in my life which I want to write about. So if you're interested in learning more about me, I will share a link if I choose to start a new one.

Until then
Peace, love and light x