I've been inspired by the latest post by
Living Through Learning, Learning To Live, I've gone through many changes since having my kids. I've had to learn the hard way for many things.
I wish I could say I've been an AP mum since the birth of my daughter. I haven't, I began parenting very much the 'mainstream' way.
I do not expect anyone to agree with everything I say, you are entitled to your own opinion too, which is why I ask that you remain respectful. I have tried to write this in the least offensive way possible, but I'm sure someone will still be offended somewhere, somehow. The links I provided are not intended to make you change your mind about anything, I only want to open your minds if my parenting 'style' seems wrong or odd to you.
BEFORE I discovered Attatchment Parenting.
I was/did:
Detatched.
I didn't hold her much, she spent a fair bit of time in her bouncer, part of this was the PPD I was too scared to hold her, part of it was because I didn't want to spoil her, everyone told me not to go to her the moment she would make a noise. And I listened. When I breastfed her to sleep, I wouldn't look at her, it would be dark, I wouldn't talk to her. It was just silence and darkness. That was when I breastfed her to sleep, other times she would get the dummy and be swaddled and put in the basinette. She spent a fair bit of time in her rocker, or on the floor playing with her toys while I sat and watched or wriggle a new toy in her face when she seemed bored, I didn't even think to cuddle her. I had no instinct, or so it felt like.
Scheduled feeds.
My daughter was put on a schedule for her feeds, it was our second day home and I remember turning to my partner as she cried 'But it's not time yet, she can't possibly be hungry!' Insert dummy
I gave my daughter formula, I didn't hold want her near my breasts. I think it was our 4th week, we gave her one or 2 bottles at night when engorgement made is absolutely impossibe to get her to latch. My breasts were like over inflated balloons, with flat nipples with deep cracks and a tongue tied baby, I was determined to keep going but I was losing the fight. I HATED breastfeeding. I don't know what kept me going. Even my partner was saying, 'We can always get formula' and it crushed me, I felt like such a failure. If I didn't scedule feeds it would have been much easier... but I only know that in hindsight. I did breastfeed for 16ish months, most of it was joyful and I was sad when she weaned.
Disposeable Nappies.
I used disposeables, and I didn't care much for the benefits of cloth. I was 11 weeks pregnant with DD when my mother in law suggested cloth, and I laughed and said there was only one way I would EVER use cloth, and that's if I didn't have to deal with poo (meaning not have to wash them haha) I was incredibly unaware how awesome cloth nappies were now, I was imagining the type you fold yourself and use pins.
Vaccines.
I vaccinated on schedule, and felt incredibly guilty when she was just one week late. I even was the person who thought those who didn't vaccinate must be selfish and were putting their babies and everyone around them at risk, I was THAT person. I blindly trusted my doctor, from 3 weeks my DD started to get the most awful eczema, even the steriod cream wasn't enough sometimes, it has continued to stay bad into early childhood. I didn't know there are MANY side effects of vaccines, I didn't know what was in them or even how they worked. I believed once my daughter had the shot she would be immune, she would be 100% protected and if she didn't suffer an instant and severe reaction she wouldn't have any problems later on. I understand there are people out there who may believe the risks to the vaccine is worth the risk, that is absolutely their decision but if you don't know the facts how can you make the right decision. I didn't have the facts, I wasn't making an informed decision to vaccinate but when I did become informed, I stopped vaccinating immediately.
What changed?
Things changed once I started reading about different parenting styles. They, Attatchment Parenting and Evolutionary Parenting mainly, were mentioned in a breastfeeding support group I was a part of. I was very interested in their philosophy, it went against what I had been told by my family, but it sounded so right for my family. I love the idea of nurturing babies, it went against my instinct to do what I did with my DD but cultural norms drowned it out. I don't even listen to the cultural norms now, my instinct is loud and clear.
When I finally got past my breastfeeding struggles, by nursing as often as I could (this happened mainly AFTER my surgery as an attempt to relactate, I was sucessful and was nursing exclusively after a week or so), I started to understand the imprtance in responding to baby's needs. When I saw that if I nursed my DD as soon as she started to rub her mouth, and make the little squeaks if I fed her straight away she would be so much more settled. She nursed often but she stopped crying in between, we didn't need the dummy as often athough we couldn't get her to get rid of it until she was 2, well after weaning, a few months after my second was born. I started to enjoy breastfeeding, and the cuddles that came with it. We nursed into toddlerhood, something I NEVER imagined myself doing, I thought 12 months was normal for them to wean... how uneducated I was haha
We started to bond, but there was damage to her trust in me, because of the detatched beginning. She didn't need me like babies should. This still breaks my heart, and I try hard every day to fix that. It's working, AP is the parenting style she suits best, I regret listening to everyone else...
When my son was born I was very much AP, I breastfed every hour or less for however long it took, and I never got as engorged as I did last time. As passionate as I am about breastfeeding, I don't think much of it now. It has become something so every day and normal to me, like driving a car, at first it's awesome and you're excited about it, after a while it's just how you do things, nothing that special. Except breastfeeding is always about the nurturing, the milky goodness, the snuggles and of course, knowing it's the best food you can provide, you can't do any better. I snuggled him ALL the time, I was addicted to my son. I wanted to spend every moment I could with him. I did love breastfeeding this time, from the beginning even when it was hard. It was easier because I knew HOW to. I'm happy to keep going through this pregnancy, as close to 2 as I can, we are at 16 months in a few days, almost the longest I have breastfed, and I am proud of that. If I can get to 18 months, just 2 months more and I will have reached my first goal, I was disappointed I didn't get that far with DD, even when even when I tried to keep going, I offered the breast often but over time, she lost all interest. I was glad she was the one who decided to wean in the end, even if we didn't make it to 18 months or 2 years. The whole point was for her to self wean.
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| DS less than 1 week old. I carried him like this everywhere I could. |
I bought a baby sling after reading something about baby wearing when she was 3.5 months, it was one of those Australian Bubzilla slings. I LOVED it, I wore her everywhere, well into toddlerhood until I was pretty far along in my pregnancy and it was too uncomfortable. Babywearing was what I needed, it reminded me of being pregnant, but I could kiss their little head.
When my DS was little I made a moby-like wrap (see below) and we used it all the time, I even did housework with him sleeping in it. I would go out for the day and only take a stroller for my DD rather than a double pram. I loved it and will make a new one for #3, I gave the one in the picture to my best friend a few days before moving interstate, she had just had her baby boy and I couldn't think of a better gift (she always admired it and borrowed it a few times). She adores it, and uses it 6 months later :)
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| Having fun outside 5-6 months old. |
As part of my growth, I began to develop my own parenting philosophy.
Babies are born with needs, these needs must be met for optimal emotional growth. Babies deserve more than to survive, they deserve to thrive. A baby's cry is precicely as urgent as it sounds, it's only logical, it's unnatural to be able to ignore it. I react when my kids cry, all I want to do is stop it immediately, I can't stand hearing crying and not do something to make it better. I did try cry it out/controlled crying/sleep training at one point when DD was 7 months. I detest that method now, it's a blatant disregard for their need to be near people when they sleep, it's uneccesarily putting mum and baby through incredible stress, NOT the magic fix all for a baby who won't sleep. It is also quite damaging to their brain. When they cry, they get stressed. When they get stressed the cortisol levels skyrocket and these high levels damage the brain. We all knew this, for a long time, remember the phrase 'Stress less, you'll live longer'? You can do your own research, but you can see here what I mean if you want
http://www.livestrong.com/article/18695-effects-cortisol-brain/ I decided to NEVER EVER EVER EVER, do Cry It Out again, I even go as far as tell people NOT to do it, from my own experience, and from the research. What mother willingly puts her baby through that when she knows it isn't good for her baby at all? They're told it's the best thing to do, they're told it's important to teach baby to sleep on their own, they are told CIO won't hurt their babies.... they deserve to know the whole truth.
If you want to know what it's like for the baby? Read this, I found this when I was looking into CIO and it was what confirmed my deicision NOT to pracice CIO any more with my DD (we did it for a few weeks, right down to completely ignoring her scream until she fell asleep, the harshest way to do CIO.. I am forever guilty about not doing my research and putting my daughter through that).
http://parentingredefined.blogspot.com.au/2010/12/letters-from-baby-please-dont-let-me.html
This isn't to say I let my kids walk all over me, absolutely not! I tell them NO quite easily, but I also tell others, no, too, so I'm not treating my kids with any less respect than any other person. They have boundaries but they also know I am ALWAYS there when they need me, they are ALWAYS safe, and they can always come to me no matter their emotional state. We all love a cuddle from someone we love when we're upset, it's no different for kids. My job as a mum is to raise emotionally secure, confident, compassionate people. To do that, I have to show them, otherwise they'll never learn.
I am 100% against any infant circumcision, for one it's a violation of their Human Right to Genital Integrity, and 2, it's completely unecessary and actually harmful. Don't believe me? Check out
The Whole Network for more information, I highly suggest you inform yourself. My son is intact, mostly because it's just not really done here in Australia but because my father was very much a vocal intactivist, so I grew up knowing why it's unecessary and why it's wrong. I fought hard aganst my partner who is circumcised, and wanted his son cut too. He was quite pro-cutting, but, even he understood why not to do it and supported me. Now, when there is someone that mentions it (usually during a nappy change) he tells them quite simply 'It's not up to us to decide, his body his choice'. He didn't want to violate his son's Human Right, although even if he didn't agree with me, I would have refused consent anyway. My son was not going to be cut, I had a say, I had to protect my son so I wasn't giving in.
Another way things have changed?
About vaccines. I am extremely p*ssed off that I was told they were safe, I get p*ssed off when doctors even now tell me they're safe even after I state the facts from the government sites. When I know better, they AREN'T safe, if your child has any reaction then the risk is 100%, you only know after the damage is done.
The latest doctor to insist they are safe didn't like being told/reminded (assuming he ever knew a thing about them) that only between 1-10% of ALL reactions to vaccines are even reported. That there has never been a long term double blind study with a control done on vaccines and the long term effectiveness and safety so it is absolutely untrue to say they are 100% safe and it unethical to suggest/demand I vaccinate when they really don't know anything about them, or what could happen to my child. Why should I inject my child when something worse than the illness they are vaccinating against could happen? Why risk death or neural damage? Pertussus has come into the media a lot lately, so many people insist its important to get it. Yet more than 80% of the people who were infected were fully or partially vaccinated. The vaccine is useless, Australia no longer offers free pertussus vaccines because of its ineffectiveness.
States ending free parent whooping vaccine.
I did research into vaccines from the time my DD was 12 months, I got suspicious when I noticed they vaccinate for chicken pox at 18 months. I had chicken pox twice, older than the average (13 years old) and it didn't bother me at all, I remember it clearly. Why the heck should I vaccinate my child against something so mild as chicken pox? To protect the adults who might get sick? Well, um, hate to break it but it's like trying to eradicate the common cold. Nearly every kid will get it, someone will get worse off, why should I risk a reaction or autoimmune disease in my child for someone else they will most likely never come across. It's not that hard to keep sick kids away from immune compromised persons, especially if the symptoms arent masked like with the pertussus vaccine. People use the argument 'It will be less severe if I get it", yes, true, it also makes it harder to diagnose, meaning you could be walking around with a persistent cough sprading pertussus for ages before realising you have it, if you realise it.
Herd immunity, absolute myth. I can't help but laugh when someone tries that on me.
If you want something quick to read that you can start your research from, read this:
If you are in support of vaccinations
I have legitimate concerns over the safety of vaccines. More and more research is indicating chronic illnesses are being caused my vaccines. As someone with a chronic illness (Crohn's Disease), I have to wonder if it was a result of being vaccinated. My daughter is, different to 'normal' kids, she's starting school next year and we don't think she's even close to being ready. She is having another asessment soon, at 18 months she was only slightly delayed but enough to recommend another asessment in the future. I have wondered if she is on the Autism scale, but she was too young to really tell until, well, now. I'm hoping it's normal developent, albeit slow, and she can cope well with school. I will not homeschool.
Currently, I am deeply researching vaccines, although I don't intend to vaccinate, I want as much information so that if people ask why, I can send them to a reliable source. I admit, I have not used medical journals for the links I have used in this entry, because mostly, this is my opinion and I'm not educating you, it's up to you to educate yourself. Mostly, they are places to start, you will find most if not all have references.
Most of my parenting journey has invoved extensive research, I can't ever change the past, I do regret how I started off parenting. I wish I prepared myself more. BUT I am here, doing my absoute best, there was no way I could have known any better. But now I do, I do better. Hopefully, by sharing my experiences, people will understand WHY I do what I do, so they're not so quick to judge.
We started using cloth nappies when DS was 5 months, I had enough of the smell of the bin, I was sick of wasting enormous amounts of money. One day I found out about modern cloth nappies, MCN's, besides saving thousands of dollars, it was only barely more expensive to buy cloth than it was to buy big boxes of disposeables. We spend $108 and within 2 weeks we had 30 pocket nappies with inserts, in a few months, I could afford to add to my Fluff. I have an addiction, and honestly, poop isn't that bad. It's nice to never run out too.
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| Cloth nappies make the best summerwear, and it looks cute ;) |
Thank you, if you took the time to read this.
Peace Love & Light.
