Today I am 34 weeks pregnant, perhaps only one moon cycle away from bringing forth a life earthside. My sweet little warrior baby, the star child that chose me to be his guardian in this wondrous dream we call life. It won't be too much longer until his body has grown as chubby as it can, the moment when his little lungs are ready to take on the outside world which begins the cocktail of hormones flowing through my body ready to bring baby earthside.
I have rediscovered the spirituality of birth, something I disconnected from when I lived through a less than pleasant experience. I feel like the magic within me has risen again, ready to go on a journey to the stars to greet my baby.
I have begun to reflect on my knowledge about birth, to get myself into the vital stage of mental preparation now that I feel ready. I am excited to feel the euphoria that comes with having a baby, despite the underlying worry that my baby may not be ok. I have decided I have spent enough time worrying, gentle nudges from the universe have reprogrammed my thinking and for that I am grateful I felt those nudges.
You see, in our culture it is normal and expected to feel anxiety about birth, about the condition of the baby and whether or not there is anything that they could do to prevent that. For most women, the fears of the unknown surrounding birth is a given, they worry that birth wont go well or that their baby will not cope with labour, even when all things point to everything going smoothly. These are fears I never truly experienced, in life my philosophy is 'why worry when there's no need to', so that when it was my time, I surrendered to the hormonal and physical dance that is birth and it unfolded as it needed to.
It is different now of course, there IS a reason to worry, but I need to let go again and put myself back into trusting the universe and whatever plans that come to me. I'm not a believer in fate to be honest, but I do believe that the energies that flow in the universe will always balance out. Whether there is a reason or not for what I am about to experience, I know that there will be joy to balance the despair.
I was asked a good question recently, about how I have now decided I will allow labour to begin naturally, 'how would I feel if something went wrong because of my choice not to be induced?' my answer was probably more simple than the asker expected.
I would feel less guilt than if something went wrong as a result of me being induced, at least I know it wasn't something I did. If I was induced and needed a cesarean due to fetal distress, I would always feel the anger and resentment at having been induced, because that is the outcome nature didn't have in store for me and then ultimately it was my fault. I prefer to be upset at the cards I was dealt by the universe and nature than the science available to me and my decision to go with that instead.
Not many people feel this way and it is isolating to say the least.
I have been asked to write my birth plan, and saying simply 'leave me alone until I ask' won't be enough. I know what I don't want, and I can only hope I will be listened to. I have already dealt with the frustration of a midwife who doesn't understand me. I don't know how many times in the time it took to do a blood pressure reading, I said I was not doing the GTT, that I have chosen to monitor my levels over nearly 2 weeks. I had already done it, yet she kept insisting I needed to get the bloods done, make an appointment because it would take an hour and that I would have to drink that nasty drink. I got my point across, but me saying I'm not doing it several times was too many. If I end up with a midwife like her, you bet I'll be demanding the shift coordinator comes to replace her with someone who will actually listen. It has affected my feelings about the midwife who will care for me, because I do not know who that will be or their comfort with my choices.
So now I have to write a plan, and introduce it so that I'm not met with defensiveness. I want the midwife who will be watching over me, to understand me, to trust me and let me do my thing until I need or want her. Essentially I want a midwife who will be happy sitting knitting in a corner, while I do what I am built to do.
I have spoken to the paediatrician, I have seen NICU and SCBU in the unlikely event he will need to spend time there, I have been reassured that the tests can wait and that I will at least be in my postpartum bed before they will want to assess him so our magical first hours shouldn't be rushed without a medical need. I have been reassured that we will not be separated, and if we are he will not be separated from his dad. I am comforted in the knowledge that a lotus birth isn't something they have never heard of, not that I plan to do it. I feel quite confident that my request for cord ties over clamps will be respected.
I am ready for this birth. I will try my hardest not to allow my fears to take over me again.
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