... labour worries..

I've never been afraid of birth before, but now I am absolutely terrified.

I am having nightmares every single night.

The unknowns are what scare me, and the knowns scare me more.
I suffer from PTSD so the thought of having procedures done to me, trigger that.
I don't want my water broken, I definitely don't want syntocinon, I don't want people touching me, I don't want to be watched... literally everything that causes me extreme anxiety are necessary for an induction... I might be lucky and avoid the drip but I don't like my chances, Cochrane says there isn't enough evidence to prove AROM is adequate to start labour, it's most often used with syntocinon (Pitocin/artificical oxytocin)
I have worries because I don't want to stress my baby out unnecessarily with that stuff, I also don't want to deprive him of natural oxytocin, while there isn't strong evidence to say the lack of it causes issues, it's linked to problems I would rather not contribute to.
I'm also petrified of a cesarean, I've had surgery before and it wasn't nice, never mind dealing with a sick baby, 4 other kids and my own disease with an extremely high risk of infection, one that could take my life.

I'm quite angry at times that I have to deal with this, that my baby is the sick one, that I am fighting my crohn's yet again, that I am in a position where control over my body is gone.... I'm sick of feeling like an experiment, like I am nothing more than a gestational carrier.

To be quite honest, sometimes I regret getting pregnant in the first place...

I just don't think I can do this anymore. However, it is way too late now.

I'm scared I will run away or hide in the bathroom the moment I get to the labour room.
I'm scared I will refuse consent to induction and be bullied into it and shut down.
I'm scared of having a complete stranger attend me, and touch me.
I'm scared there will be a midwife who doesn't like me, and treats me like a spoiled child.
I'm scared the midwife will have an accent that makes understanding them difficult.
I'm scared of the OB who will watch over and make decisions without my consent or input.
I'm scared I won't have anyone from MFM able to come and do things that need to be done.
I'm scared they will demand on an IV placement as soon as I arrive, rather than later.
I'm scared labour will start and I birth unassisted with a floppy, unresponsive baby.
I'm scared that labour wont start and I need a cesarean.
I'm scared of them breaking my water and nicking a vein causing a massive bleed, or worse, causing a cord prolapse.
I'm scared my baby will go into distress.
I am scared of a cesarean.
I'm scared if I need a cesarean it will be an emergency not emergent so I get put under.
I'm scared they will take my baby away even if he is fine, and send him to SCBU for hours.
I'm scared they will have to stab my baby multiple times unnecessarily, without my consent, bullying my partner into consenting.
I'm scared they will force me on the bed to push.
I'm scared they will try to coach pushing, and decide on an episiotomy for no reason.
I'm scared I will be frightened and end up pushing hard causing a massive tear,
I'm scared they will not allow any delayed clamping.
I'm scared they will rip out my placenta again.
I'm scared they will try to control me, control how I birth without a need because it's just how things are done.
I'm scared we will have to travel interstate straight away after birth.
I'm scared bub won't be ready for birth and ends up with related complications.
I'm scared we will miss the first breastfeed, or that it will be interfered with so much that we don't succeed and have to use formula.

I'm scared of freaking everything... I'm well educated, I know what can go wrong, I'm worried what can go wrong will go wrong.

I don't know how I can be ok with an induction, despite having a student midwife on my side. I feel so alone and isolated, I feel shut down every time I want to talk about it because 'you have to do it for the baby' even though I am unconvinced induction is a better option than going into labour naturally.... how do we even know labour will go fast!!!?? the anxiety I feel about his condition at birth is enough to make for a longer one for sure. I highly doubt it will be 20 minutes, because even then I had early labour.... plenty of time to get to the hospital...

Everything feels so unfair... and I still have about 10 weeks to stress about this...