I've never been afraid of birth before, but now I am absolutely terrified.
I am having nightmares every single night.
The unknowns are what scare me, and the knowns scare me more.
I suffer from PTSD so the thought of having procedures done to me, trigger that.
I don't want my water broken, I definitely don't want syntocinon, I don't want people touching me, I don't want to be watched... literally everything that causes me extreme anxiety are necessary for an induction... I might be lucky and avoid the drip but I don't like my chances, Cochrane says there isn't enough evidence to prove AROM is adequate to start labour, it's most often used with syntocinon (Pitocin/artificical oxytocin)
I have worries because I don't want to stress my baby out unnecessarily with that stuff, I also don't want to deprive him of natural oxytocin, while there isn't strong evidence to say the lack of it causes issues, it's linked to problems I would rather not contribute to.
I'm also petrified of a cesarean, I've had surgery before and it wasn't nice, never mind dealing with a sick baby, 4 other kids and my own disease with an extremely high risk of infection, one that could take my life.
I'm quite angry at times that I have to deal with this, that my baby is the sick one, that I am fighting my crohn's yet again, that I am in a position where control over my body is gone.... I'm sick of feeling like an experiment, like I am nothing more than a gestational carrier.
To be quite honest, sometimes I regret getting pregnant in the first place...
I just don't think I can do this anymore. However, it is way too late now.
I'm scared I will run away or hide in the bathroom the moment I get to the labour room.
I'm scared I will refuse consent to induction and be bullied into it and shut down.
I'm scared of having a complete stranger attend me, and touch me.
I'm scared there will be a midwife who doesn't like me, and treats me like a spoiled child.
I'm scared the midwife will have an accent that makes understanding them difficult.
I'm scared of the OB who will watch over and make decisions without my consent or input.
I'm scared I won't have anyone from MFM able to come and do things that need to be done.
I'm scared they will demand on an IV placement as soon as I arrive, rather than later.
I'm scared labour will start and I birth unassisted with a floppy, unresponsive baby.
I'm scared that labour wont start and I need a cesarean.
I'm scared of them breaking my water and nicking a vein causing a massive bleed, or worse, causing a cord prolapse.
I'm scared my baby will go into distress.
I am scared of a cesarean.
I'm scared if I need a cesarean it will be an emergency not emergent so I get put under.
I'm scared they will take my baby away even if he is fine, and send him to SCBU for hours.
I'm scared they will have to stab my baby multiple times unnecessarily, without my consent, bullying my partner into consenting.
I'm scared they will force me on the bed to push.
I'm scared they will try to coach pushing, and decide on an episiotomy for no reason.
I'm scared I will be frightened and end up pushing hard causing a massive tear,
I'm scared they will not allow any delayed clamping.
I'm scared they will rip out my placenta again.
I'm scared they will try to control me, control how I birth without a need because it's just how things are done.
I'm scared we will have to travel interstate straight away after birth.
I'm scared bub won't be ready for birth and ends up with related complications.
I'm scared we will miss the first breastfeed, or that it will be interfered with so much that we don't succeed and have to use formula.
I'm scared of freaking everything... I'm well educated, I know what can go wrong, I'm worried what can go wrong will go wrong.
I don't know how I can be ok with an induction, despite having a student midwife on my side. I feel so alone and isolated, I feel shut down every time I want to talk about it because 'you have to do it for the baby' even though I am unconvinced induction is a better option than going into labour naturally.... how do we even know labour will go fast!!!?? the anxiety I feel about his condition at birth is enough to make for a longer one for sure. I highly doubt it will be 20 minutes, because even then I had early labour.... plenty of time to get to the hospital...
Everything feels so unfair... and I still have about 10 weeks to stress about this...
Saturday, 14 April 2018
Saturday, 7 April 2018
a new normal
life has changed so much lately. there's always moments in life where there is something significant that happens and it becomes a defining moment. We have had a few these last few months.
I'm now in my third trimester, 28 weeks and one day today. I am feeling huge.
A few weeks ago we noticed bub wasn't growing as well as he could, so we had growth scans booked fortnightly to monitor things.
On the Thursday I saw my gastroenterologist and he decided since my crohns is active, we need to admit me to hospital and get treatment. I wasn't happy but considering bubs condition, I knew it was for the best. I managed to avoid being admitted that afternoon, preferring the coming Monday when my partner had time off work so I didn't have to rely on the in-laws to watch the kids.
That Monday I also had an echo booked, apparently in error because it wasn't meant to be until this week but we got more information from it. I had a growth scan booked the day after and an antenatal, the Tuesday. It wasn't fun having to taxi between the hospitals...
The most that happened when I was admitted for my crohns that Monday is they put in a cannula and drew blood. I arrived after my echo, where they decided while I was there they would do the growth scan too, to save me coming back the next day, even though I was already having to come back - what I didn't know was I could pop into MFM whenever, we're family now apparently, so I didn't have to come back the Tuesday... even though I did. My crohns is not ok right now, I have been passing blood and that's unacceptable even not pregnant. they started me on steroids on Tuesday night but decided on Thursday, the day I was discharged, they weren't happy with me on them and switched to doubling Humira and back on budesonide, the crap that hasn't worked for me at all so far... I'm still frustrated, I'm still in agony and I'm still passing blood. The midwives and OB have decided they will get a physician to see me next antenatal, see if they can do something on their end.
the echo was interesting, I saw nothing overly new, there is a concern baby doesn't have a spleen and his liver is central instead of to the right. Now there's the possibility bub actually has a condition called right atrial isomerism, a condition with a 40% survival rate, but the cardiologist said he wouldn't say his is that low because his heart is in much better shape than they would hope. This condition would explain the other malformations, and has a risk for gut malrotation where it could unexpectedly twist, surgery is a necessary preventative, I'd rather it done before it becomes an emergency situation. It would also explain why his heart appears to be 'right sided' as in, why the major arteries are on the right and why there are blood vessels that are meant to be on the right are on the left. If he doesn't have a spleen (there is the possibility its just not being seen rather than not there) he would be on antibiotics for the rest of his life.... this scares me, I know way too much about superbugs, and for him to be on antibiotics puts him at huge risk...
basically right atrial isomerism is where very, very early on in development, when he was nothing more than about 20 cells, they would normally be 'told' where to go, be the right side and be the left side, there was a communication error and they both became right.... the only way to know if he has this condition is to have scans and a blood test at birth, until then it's just a possibility, one I am hoping isn't a reality.
Because they did the growth scan, I got the opportunity to have pics of the ultrasound. I saw his little face, his little nose and mouth looks exactly like R. I'm beginning to bond with him more, I have been a little detached because I am so scared I'll lose him.... I don't think its going to hurt less if we do, but I think it's instinctual. I have no real control over it.
When I went for the antenatal the next day, they noticed his growth was dipping a little, it could mean he is just little or he is restricted in some way, despite good blood flow from the placenta. So we had scans booked fortnightly from then on. Every day from then I asked him to please grow, to please not stop growing because things will be hard enough on us all and if he has to be born premature, it would break my heart. I ate non stop, still do, every calorie is hopefully helping him get bigger. I want him to be as big as he can be.
This was about two weeks ago, I had the next growth scan/antenatal on Wednesday and he has grown, he will just be a little baby. He was just under a kilo at 27.5 weeks, not low enough to worry but low enough that the scans are necessary. My eldest was a tiny baby, but he will be a little smaller.... I'm hoping he grows enough, I'm hoping they're wrong and he has a growth spurt during the last trimester and is a decent size....
I wont give up hope.
Next antenatal I meet the student midwife, I spoke to her on the phone last week and I feel she is a great fit for us. She's as naturally minded as I and I cant wait to meet her in person. I didn't get this vibe from the other students I spoke with, or even the heartkid mum/doula. She has a background in nursing, is a natural practitioner and acupuncturist with her own practice so, I'm going to ask if she is able to bring acupuncture to my birth to help labour along before moving onto more intervention. I'll throw all the money I have at her if I need to haha I want to try absolutely everything before moving on to the artificial oxytocin, I'm still not ok with it, and want to avoid it at all cost.
I feel like I have more to say, and should probably edit for spelling and grammar errors but I've got insane rib pain and need to get moving... plus E has put on an awful kids show and I need to turn the TV off before my brain dies....and I have to feed the little ones... so editing is far less important :P
I'm now in my third trimester, 28 weeks and one day today. I am feeling huge.
A few weeks ago we noticed bub wasn't growing as well as he could, so we had growth scans booked fortnightly to monitor things.
On the Thursday I saw my gastroenterologist and he decided since my crohns is active, we need to admit me to hospital and get treatment. I wasn't happy but considering bubs condition, I knew it was for the best. I managed to avoid being admitted that afternoon, preferring the coming Monday when my partner had time off work so I didn't have to rely on the in-laws to watch the kids.
That Monday I also had an echo booked, apparently in error because it wasn't meant to be until this week but we got more information from it. I had a growth scan booked the day after and an antenatal, the Tuesday. It wasn't fun having to taxi between the hospitals...
The most that happened when I was admitted for my crohns that Monday is they put in a cannula and drew blood. I arrived after my echo, where they decided while I was there they would do the growth scan too, to save me coming back the next day, even though I was already having to come back - what I didn't know was I could pop into MFM whenever, we're family now apparently, so I didn't have to come back the Tuesday... even though I did. My crohns is not ok right now, I have been passing blood and that's unacceptable even not pregnant. they started me on steroids on Tuesday night but decided on Thursday, the day I was discharged, they weren't happy with me on them and switched to doubling Humira and back on budesonide, the crap that hasn't worked for me at all so far... I'm still frustrated, I'm still in agony and I'm still passing blood. The midwives and OB have decided they will get a physician to see me next antenatal, see if they can do something on their end.
the echo was interesting, I saw nothing overly new, there is a concern baby doesn't have a spleen and his liver is central instead of to the right. Now there's the possibility bub actually has a condition called right atrial isomerism, a condition with a 40% survival rate, but the cardiologist said he wouldn't say his is that low because his heart is in much better shape than they would hope. This condition would explain the other malformations, and has a risk for gut malrotation where it could unexpectedly twist, surgery is a necessary preventative, I'd rather it done before it becomes an emergency situation. It would also explain why his heart appears to be 'right sided' as in, why the major arteries are on the right and why there are blood vessels that are meant to be on the right are on the left. If he doesn't have a spleen (there is the possibility its just not being seen rather than not there) he would be on antibiotics for the rest of his life.... this scares me, I know way too much about superbugs, and for him to be on antibiotics puts him at huge risk...
basically right atrial isomerism is where very, very early on in development, when he was nothing more than about 20 cells, they would normally be 'told' where to go, be the right side and be the left side, there was a communication error and they both became right.... the only way to know if he has this condition is to have scans and a blood test at birth, until then it's just a possibility, one I am hoping isn't a reality.
Because they did the growth scan, I got the opportunity to have pics of the ultrasound. I saw his little face, his little nose and mouth looks exactly like R. I'm beginning to bond with him more, I have been a little detached because I am so scared I'll lose him.... I don't think its going to hurt less if we do, but I think it's instinctual. I have no real control over it.
When I went for the antenatal the next day, they noticed his growth was dipping a little, it could mean he is just little or he is restricted in some way, despite good blood flow from the placenta. So we had scans booked fortnightly from then on. Every day from then I asked him to please grow, to please not stop growing because things will be hard enough on us all and if he has to be born premature, it would break my heart. I ate non stop, still do, every calorie is hopefully helping him get bigger. I want him to be as big as he can be.
This was about two weeks ago, I had the next growth scan/antenatal on Wednesday and he has grown, he will just be a little baby. He was just under a kilo at 27.5 weeks, not low enough to worry but low enough that the scans are necessary. My eldest was a tiny baby, but he will be a little smaller.... I'm hoping he grows enough, I'm hoping they're wrong and he has a growth spurt during the last trimester and is a decent size....
I wont give up hope.
Next antenatal I meet the student midwife, I spoke to her on the phone last week and I feel she is a great fit for us. She's as naturally minded as I and I cant wait to meet her in person. I didn't get this vibe from the other students I spoke with, or even the heartkid mum/doula. She has a background in nursing, is a natural practitioner and acupuncturist with her own practice so, I'm going to ask if she is able to bring acupuncture to my birth to help labour along before moving onto more intervention. I'll throw all the money I have at her if I need to haha I want to try absolutely everything before moving on to the artificial oxytocin, I'm still not ok with it, and want to avoid it at all cost.
I feel like I have more to say, and should probably edit for spelling and grammar errors but I've got insane rib pain and need to get moving... plus E has put on an awful kids show and I need to turn the TV off before my brain dies....and I have to feed the little ones... so editing is far less important :P
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